Tuesday, April 22, 2014
another hiatus
[ listening to: The Perishers - Trouble Sleeping ]
well i'm back for a little visit. i haven't forgotten about this blog even though i haven't posted anything here since the end of 2012.
i guess life has gotten to a point where it's either so bad/secret that i've been posting in a private blog instead, or it's so frivolous that i've been posting in my Wordpress blog, or it's just so fleeting that it all goes on social media.
in any case, this isn't neglect, it's just a change in needs.
these days i try to keep my angsty/emo thoughts either to myself or in discreet (hah) phrases within 140 characters. i guess it's my way of addressing my feelings and moving on quickly. i did write a rather bleak letter to myself on my pseudo-lifestyle-blog recently though. it was probably better suited for this site, but it was meant to be a shared, open letter, and i don't want for this blog to be too much in the public eye since most of the stuff is closing in on a decade old, and frankly quite embarrassing now that i'm 26 (or 25 depending on how you look at it).
i suppose now's as good a time as any to find a new purpose for this blog. i don't want to leave it behind completely after all.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
departure
[ listening to: The Postal Service - Brand New Colony ]
strange that i can't find a single post on any of my journals about my feelings toward my departure from the band.
guess i was really numb at the time....or just didn't have the motivation to blog at that point in my life.
either way, feelings unspoken still remain today.
i don't think it's very necessary that i tell the whole tale, but sometimes it's difficult and painful trying to keep all my feelings bottled up and buried. and things in their current state do NOT count as "coming full circle". what the hell. we are not the same person.
i can't believe i softened for that brief moment. things have not changed since your returns, much less so improved. if anything, it has shown me how sincere you really were when you said we should meet up after your month away, and if i still know you like i did before, i see that the letters were more like an easy way out, as well as your golden ticket to getting what you wanted.
up till now, i still don't have a good response to give either of you because i don't owe you any explanations nor excuses, and i can't find any reason to reach out to you either.
and so i'll keep silent once more.
can't sleep
[ listening to: The Postal Service - Recycled Air ]
it's almost 4am and i have to be up in 4 hours' time, but i'm currently looking through old stuff on my old multiply site after i stumbled upon a friend's. really funny stuff, looking through old posts that you've written and recorded every detail, but you can't even remember them now.
i gave the Parousia guys sunflowers and cards at their last gig??
i guess i should turn in now.
oh and by the way, hello again blog. (:
Friday, March 09, 2012
so bitchy
[ listening to: Lupe Fiasco - Instrumental (feat. Jonah Matranga) ]
amusing myself by reading someone's blog. so bitchy and contradictory to the point where it sounds funny to an outsider like me. there's a time and place for everything, and putting certain things out on the internet (publicly) is just not..right. yeah yeah, freedom of speech. but there's also morals to consider.
Thursday, March 01, 2012
it's been a long time
wow i've neglected this for almost a whole year. been posting stuff to my "style" (hurhurhur) blog:
http://poppycocksandhollyhocks.wordpress.com/
check it out. maybe i'll start posting other stuff here again..
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
clarity
i think i'm looking for things in the wrong places.
the things i should try, i don't. the things i'm not meant for, i try anyway.
that makes me terribly inefficient.
the things i have, i don't take good care of. the things i want, i can't have.
does that make me ungrateful?
i live not knowing how my life is really going to turn out.
i'm always uncertain about decisions that i make.
even the ones that seem as right as..i don't know. i can't think of a metaphor.
the clock is ticking..
thoughts.
incompetence is neither a sin nor a capital crime. but it is as loathsome as taking a man's life.
counter the strong with something stronger.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
the only difference is
[ listening to: Anberlin - *fin ]
i'm still the same broken person as i was.
still in search of the true meaning of happiness.
i think i'll never find it here.
be still and know that I am God.
the past
[ listening to: Anberlin - Inevitable ]
right now i'm wondering why people like to keep souvenirs of their past.
they could come in the form of photographs, journal entries or ticket stubs. you get the idea.
i'm admittedly one of these people.
photographs with a digital camera, phone camera, analog camera. i have them all. videos, too.
this blog.
receipts and movie ticket stubs that were memorable to me at some point in time.
text messages on my handphone that are 3 years old.
i fill in the empty squares of my moleskine with events that have already taken place just for posterity's sake.
and right now i wonder why i, like many others, do this.
looking back at some of these things gives me an empty feeling in my stomach.
they're no longer around.
why do we still look back?
what is the point of having such memories when all they're going to remind you of is how much has changed and how much you've lost?
move on.
Monday, January 03, 2011
fuckyeah2011.
[ listening to: Kevin Lester - You're A Winner (feat. Tim De Cotta) ]
hello happy new year it's 2011!
A LOT has happened in 2010. i probably would say this about every other year that has passed, but it really feels like my life has gone off the beaten path and i'm going through a whole new adventure that has stretched into the opening hours (or days) of 2011.
i love this. it's kind of bittersweet, but it's a life that i'm really embracing, and learning to continue embracing.
in 2010, i hurt, i cried, i practically went insane. but i also found love, joy and happiness - the three things i wished for on my 21st birthday. that was in 2009, but better late than never.
i'm still adjusting to this semi-new life. it's a little trying at times especially when there are still things that i don't understand, but im going to keep on keeping on.
there's no turning back. just soldier on in 2011.
my thoughts are a little incoherent cos there are so many things i want to talk about or refer to but they're all coming out at once.
i really wonder what 2011 will bring. i'm going to graduate in the middle of the year and another major change will take place. it's a scary thought and i haven't been making sufficient arrangements as to what to do when that happens.
one thing at a time....for now.
Monday, November 08, 2010
everything i was, i no longer am
[ listening to: Train - Marry Me ]
as the title suggests, i've been looking back at myself and the things i used to do and had accomplished.
and i think i've changed a lot. i'm sure everyone would say that of themselves, and i'm no different.
actually what triggered this mini retrospection was a question i asked and answered myself when i was in the shower.
"did i ever tell my parents that i wanted to be a musician when i grew up? no? well then, too bad."
then it got me thinking as to whether i REALLY wanted to be a full-time musician. and the answer is i'm not sure.
i'm still so insecure and unconfident about myself and capabilities, if any, that i wouldn't dare to even try and make my dreams become a reality.
i'm afraid that i'll suck, people won't like me, but most of all, i'm afraid that my parents will discourage me from doing what i want to do.
which is a very possible...possibility.
okay so back to the main topic.
everything i was, i no longer am.
i used to be good at the violin when i was a kid. i got to play solos in my primary school ensemble. but suddenly i let it go and everyone caught up and got better than me. now i don't even touch my violin although i sometimes reminisce about the good old days and wish i was back in an orchestra.
i used to be good at singing. i wasn't fantastic. i don't think i was a very vital part of my secondary school choir, but i could hit the high notes and all that shit. i used to be able to sound like Amy Lee. and then i didn't pursue choir in JC when my JC had the best choir in Singapore, the region, and possibly the world. what a decision. well i missed string orchestra. but then i found that i had become mediocre at it. now i'm merely decent, i'm still not fantastic, and i really don't see how my ability to strum a few chords on the guitar do anything to value-add to my voice. which leads me to my next point.
i used have a keen interest in learning to play the guitar. now that i can play a bit, i've not been spending a lot of time on improving my skills or learning new songs that i can actually play off the top of my head. i just do what i can and hope for the best. i've been told numerous times that i need to work on my tempo. that's the main problem i have. other shortcomings (to me, anyway) include not being able to play a decent solo, not being able to read notes...yeah surprise!! i can't read notes on a guitar. piano and violin, yes. guitar, no. i'm weird that way.
i used to be good at English. i was the top in English when i was..primary 4? i got A1 for my O Levels. but then i sucked at GP in JC, and although i still managed to get into mass comm with my B3 for GP, i'm overwhelmed by the literary power of all my peers. i'm an average student in a course that requires plenty of intellect and a strong command of the English language. things that i used to have.
i could go on and on about this, but it's 5:32am and i have to sleep if i'm going to wake up in time for my 10am lecture. maybe i'll be 15minutes late again. see. i used to be punctual for class in year 1. well..that was 3 years ago.
what's happening to me?
you know what they say about people who peak too early in their life?
okay they don't really say say stuff. it's just..you peak too early and that's it.
look at Mozart.
shitballs.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
been a while
[ listening to: Fort Minor - In Stereo ]
has it really been this long since i updated my blog?
well, yeah, probably.
i guess newer forms of social media have taken over my life.
there's nothing much to post here anymore, but i'll still keep this blog around since it does hold a lot of memories (many juvenile ones at that).
for posterity's sake, yes?
find me elsewhere by clicking HERE.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
the usual fuckery
[ listening to: Paramore - Decode ]
below is an email that i just sent to my bandmates. it should be publicly viewable for obvious reasons.
+++++++++++
Hey guys,
As I mentioned in my sms, the society that shall go unnamed gig is off. "The usual fuckery" means that we'll not be paid, and yet the organizing committee wants us to bring our own equipment too. Before we brush this request aside, I need you guys to know why I personally cannot stand event organizers who expect such things from us. I'm not being a diva or unnecessarily fussy. There are very practical reasons for which we shouldn't accept any kind of gig that we are offered, especially now that we have had plenty of exposure in and out of our university. At this point, the majority of our gigs are still unpaid and while I don't mind performing for free, the sound equipment should at least be provided. It doesn't make sense for us to go through all the hassle of bringing our own equipment (because we essentially have none that are suitable) or helping the organizers liaise with a vendor to get cheap equipment (that environmentally friendly event was a PAIN IN THE ASS even if we did get paid for this one).
This is not the first time we have gotten such a request, and it won't be the last. I'm not saying that we immediately reject gigs that require us to bring our own equipment, but at least be more discerning in who we bother pressuring to squeeze money out of their "tight budget" for equipment. I have to remind myself of this too.
It's sad that a lot of event organizers don't see the importance of getting a good sound system and equipment, and automatically assume that it will drop from the sky, along with a band to entertain them on a zero budget. The reality is that you could set aside hundreds or thousands for the band set up and think "WALAO why does the band get so much!" But the fact is that the band doesn't get anything. It all goes to renting the equipment. This is a true story. Remember the inter-hall clubbing event's set that could've been?
Below is my reply to the one of the local universities girl. The parts in blue are what I typed but decided to leave out because while it is most certainly informative to her, she may not appreciate my good intentions, i.e. she'll think I'm a bitch.
--------------------------
Hey so and so,
I'm sorry but while our band is open to giving unpaid performances, we require equipment such as amplifiers and a drum kit to be provided, on top of the sound system for the microphones and speakers. Most of the time we even do without stage monitors. The reason being that our own equipment is unsuitable for external performances, especially in a venue like yours. The wattage of our personal amps is too low to sufficiently carry the sound from the stage, and our drum kit is in quite a bad condition (not to mention that it's in our hall band room which is out of bounds due to YOG preparations). We could do our best to perform but if the equipment we're using makes us sound bad, it reflects badly on you too, and we'd hate for that to happen.
We do have contacts with external sound rental companies, but a standard stage set up by external vendors will set us back by at least $1000. If it were just rental of amplifiers and a drum kit, it's also a couple of hundred. We, the band, do not have that kind of budget to spare, and neither does it make sense for us to pay to play for someone else.
For your information, should you organise future events with the intention of hiring bands to perform, it would be best to set aside some budget for equipment rental, i.e. guitar and bass amplifiers, a standard drum kit, mics, mixer, speakers, and if you can fit stage monitors in, that would be really helpful so that the band can hear themselves.
Also, it'll be nice if you could set aside a token sum for bands who perform for you. Not all bands have the luxury of having their own band room to practice in. Apart from hall bands and some rich people, the rest of us have to book jamming studios to practice, and that costs money out of our own pockets and time out of our personal lives. Of course some bands wouldn't mind performing for free, but it actually means that they make a loss rather than not gain anything at all.
Hope you understand our position on this. Have an awesome D&D k!
Cheers!
--------------------------
The more extreme version of gig/event organizers being total wankers can be read here: http://jbarks.com/2010/05/how-to-treat-your-bands-right/
Convo I had with that person on twitter:
Me: i'm really sick of gig organisers expecting bands to provide their own amps+drumkit. are they daft??
Jbarks: You shld hv a tech rider tt specs what u need. We didn't hv guitar stands at our launch because it wasn't in our rider. True story.
Me: D: whoa. thanks! i'll do one up..
Jbarks: gigs in aus, US- u bring yr own backline, u set it up, u tear it down, no matter how indie u are (except *maybe* for fests).
Me: but are you paid?
Jbarks: yes. Culture there is such that musicians are recognised. More than singapore ever will be
Replies I got from other musicians:
Shaun Khiu (who helped us at some sporting event): yes they are. You shd stop calling them gig organizers too haha cos they certainly aren't.
Dharma (from West Grand Boulevard): in SG usually organizers provide everything but when I was playing in the US we brought our own stuff. Mics/stands/drums/amps etc
I will be doing up a tech rider shortly. But now, it is 3:48AM.
Goodnight, y'all. See you on Sunday!
