My $10,000 Baby

You know that I went on a date with The Engineer, right? And that it was...different. He was shy and charming and smart and a perfect gentleman. We laughed and talked about so much including, faith and family. As hard as I tried, I couldn't find one thing wrong with him. He even asked me out on a second date before the first was over. When I told him that it'd have to be in the afternoon, he said that he was definitely thinking night. And thus, the "Friend Zone" was successfully dodged.

He cancelled our second date hours before it should have begun. The demon, skepticism, came out and I was sure it had less to do with car trouble and more to do with him not knowing how to bow out gracefully. The hour came when we would have been sharing a pizza and my computer pinged. It was him. IMing me. We talked for over an hour and I went to bed placated.

Monday came and he lamented having to go to his company's Christmas Dinner alone. Naturally I assumed that he would ask me to accompany him. (Who am I if not a girl that jumps to ridiculous conclusions?) In the end we both agreed that it was a lot soon to meet the people he worked with and he asked me if we could start again.

Only a fool would say no.

We've talked everyday and made plans for Thursday (tonight!). He promised to tell me where we were going so I'd know how to dress. But honestly? I'd already picked up on his vibe. It would be nice. Grown-up even. Like, shave-your-legs-and-wear-a-dress-in-the-winter worthy. I was super excited. Wednesday came and I still didn't know where we were going to have dinner so I asked. And he didn't respond. All. Day.

Panic crept in and made a home in my heart.

I told my sister, my therapist, the girls at work, the birds, and the rain that it was over. I had been played. How? I didn't know but I was sure that the fairytale was over and I would never date again. Then, my phone chimed.


It was him. He was on his way back from Cleveland - a short business trip - and wanted to see me that night! Could I be there by 7p? No. But definitely by 8. Or 8:05. It definitely would have been 8 if I hadn't needed to try on four different pairs of shoes before going with my black knee-high boots. He called at 8:02 to make sure I was OK. And was waiting outside, like a gentleman, to walk me in.


We sat and he made it known that this date was in addition to and not replacing the one planned for Thursday. And it went perfectly. We were able to have intellectual conversations and a mutual exchange of opinions. Plus, he thinks I'm "stunning". Even when I dropped food on myself at dinner, he told me that it was OK and I finally felt better when I saw a shower of rice fall from his lap.


He walked me to my car and I stood there willing him to kiss me. I honestly don't' think I could have wanted it any more than I did that very moment. I had to literally restrain myself from grabbing him when he said goodnight and turned to walk away. Instead, I yelled out, "Wait! Um, where are we going tomorrow?". He looked at me, looked at the sky, and fumbled around for words and then looked at me and then... he kissed me.


Just a little. Just a peck. But it was absolutely perfect.


And now I've got to get ready for tonight!

I've only been dating for two weeks and already I'm disheartened and tired.

Toasty was perfect. Cute, tall, charming, understanding, and an amazing cuddler. He said all these wonderful things. Like how he wants kids, would be willing to move to my town (He lives about 90 minutes out), that I deserve the best of everything, that I'm gorgeous. But then, on our second date, he wore sweatpants, made no plans, and expected me to put out.

I can't even tell you how upset I was. The man who said he didn't smoke, left to get cigarettes. "I only smoke when I drink", he said. But he'd also told me that he'd quit drinking. You know, after his second DUI and all. However, I did watch him single handedly down a bottle of Beringer White Zin.

Let's all be serious for a second. A grown man drinking pink wine is a major turn off. Especially, when it's something as cheap as Beringer. And let's not talk about how it was the 1.5 liter bottle. That's the equivalent of TWO bottles for those of us who know anything about wine. Two bottles of wine and five cigarettes in less than 2 hours by a man who quit drinking and doesn't smoke.

Then he asked if I wanted to "f**k" him and when I rejected his charming advance, he said, "That's OK. You can just get me off in the morning". Now, I'm not opposed to manual or oral stimulation but I was absolutely floored by his audacity.

Add in the fact that he told me that he was openly talking to other women and you can see why our two week relationship hit the rocks. His goodbye text went like this, "Hey.. Sorry I didn't get back to you.. I not sure about us.. I mean, you turned me down on alot of stuff.. I dont want a woman that turns me down.."

So, I told him that I want a man that's willing to compromise. Not someone who insists on controlling the remote even though I've expressed that I hate this particular show. Or who wants to take a picture of my naked breasts. Or who thinks that he's going to be having sex with me while chatting up other women.

He seemed so promising. He really put on an excellent show. And the whole time I was with him all I could do was wonder where the wonderful man I'd met just days before had disappeared to and what I would have to do to get him back. But there's no getting back. The only option I have is to date someone else. Hoo-effin'-ray.

I finished the class with a 99% average. You get two answers wrong on a final and your grade plummets. Awesome.

The good news is that I now have the skills to leave the industry that I'm in. The bad news is that I haven't scheduled my state exam or even collected applications at new places. I'm just full of win right now.

I also decided that it's time to get back in the saddle. And I chose, in my infinite wisdom, online dating. And then, because I'm super smart, I chose Plenty of Fish.

There's this guy and he's really cute and has great arms, a great smile, blonde hair, and blue eyes and I'm smitten. If I could only be sure that I've had my last first date, I'd be a happy girl.

I have all of next week off work and will use it to do awesome stuff like sleep, study, sleep, clean, sleep, see friends, blog, and most importantly, sleep.


But before I go to bed, I owe you a story. There was this lawyer named Chase. My mom loved  him. I'm pretty sure that's why she set us up. Except, I think he's a pompous ass. This is where Mom and I disagree. She thinks that being a pompous ass is just a harmless character trait and that I should accept him as he is. I think being a pompous ass is an awful character trait and he should be an ass with someone else. It's my life, so I win.

Everything about him was awful to me. His hair. His insistence on wearing suits AT ALL TIMES. The way he ordered my dinner. (I've been eating for 28 years, I don't need you to order for me.) The way he just assumed that I would stop working and quit school to have his children and cook his meals. The way he never listened when I spoke and said I didn't make sense. It bothered me the way he was just never right for me. And so after 6 incredibly long weeks, he started hinting at something long-term.

Like a proposal, long-term.

I was devastated.

The idea that I would have to spend the rest of my life being patronized and not listened to frightened me to the high heavens. So, we had the world's most ridiculous fight. (I just didn't want to meet each others' parents during the holiday weekend! Why is that so unreasonable?!)

It's not. Which is why I broke up with him.

And I can't even be sure that he knows I broke up with him. It almost seemed like he didn't believe me. Maybe it was the laughter or the "You can't be serious?" but something tells me that he was taken aback by the fact that I, a lowly non-lawyer, would break up with him, an almighty lawyer.

Yeeeeaaaaahhhh.

Mom thinks I'm crazy and that I should feel lucky to have a lawyer want me in the first place. She says that I have impossible standards and will never find anyone better. And I'm going to prove her wrong even if it kills me.

Hello Ladies!

Let me just say that I love you all. I really do. You're all so supportive and understanding and I am moved everyday by the compassion and love that you show to each of us in the community.

First, I'm in therapy. I had a major meltdown in July that had me ready to end it all. I took a week off work and just wallowed in my sorrows, lying on the couch, and trying to come up with a way to end my life that still allowed my family to collect the insurance money. Depression is a dark and dangerous place. And the crazy part is that it's curable. But when you're going through it, when you are deep in the throws of your despair, you feel like not only does no one understand but no one will want to help you either. I had gotten so low that I sat up on my couch and finally reached my hands out toward my chosen device. And then. Then I thought about my baby. The one I would never have if I chose to leave this life by my own hand. So, I picked up my phone instead and wrote an email to my boss telling him I needed help because I couldn't do it on my own anymore. His response could have killed me. But instead he told me that I was a valuable part of his team and that he would do anything to get me the help I needed. That's why I can write this today. Because in two sentences he made me feel more loved than I'd felt in six months time. Love saved my life. 

I have changed medications several times. The first just flat-out didn't work. The second took away all feeling. (And that's something I wouldn't allow.) The third made me manic. But this one is the key. I have ups. I have downs. And I have days in between. I live in a world of feelings for the first time in my life. I lived for years only feeling angry and notangry. Now, I can be happy, joyful, irritable, fatigued, calm, flirty, insecure, refreshed and even scared but never depressed. I love the new me. I love having feelings. I have reasonable conversations with people including my mother. I never thought this day would come but I'm so glad it did.

Second, my sister is having a baby. She'll be 16 weeks tomorrow. Her stomach still doesn't look pregnant because she was always so thin. At 5'9" she was 125 lbs. Now, she's a whopping 129.9 lbs. It's all belly and boobs. Ha! She's still with her fiance' but her eyes are slowly opening up to who he is right now. She asked me today if I thought she should get married. I told her that decision is hers alone and I will not comment on it. She has called off their wedding for the third time. Please pray for a miracle here. I believe she and bambina will be better off without T and his ridiculousness.

I start school tomorrow. One day the heavens opened up and the angels sang. I knew why I was put on this earth. Social work. I am going to help people. I will be their olive branch. Their lighthouse. Their two sentences. And it will be magical. I've been very open with my employer and again they are supporting me fully. None of them want to see me go but they have always known that my tenure wouldn't last forever. Seven years of hating what you do is more than enough, don'tcha think? Social work. And I start tomorrow. There are full grown albatrosses in my stomach.

The Boy and I are so much more than done. The bridge between us has been doused in kerosene, burned to ash, pissed on by wildlife and tilled into the earth. There is no coming back. The nagging little feeling I had. The one where I thought that he was turning this into a relationship? It was real and genuine and justified. He spent the night in my bed with me tucked under his arm, his breath on my skin. I was getting soft kisses and warm embraces. I was introduced to the family for real. All to find out that I was the other woman. Now, I'm a lot of things but I'm not a cheater. And he turned me into a cheater. Into a mistress. Into a side chick. and to say that I unleashed the fires of hell all over him would be an understatement. I feel relieved.

So, now, I am a twenty-seven year old, single, black, female, college Junior. (Already having a Bachelor's means that I have all of my electives out of the way and can move directly into my core classes! Yay!) I'm starting my life over. No more wasting time. I finally have the clarity I've spent my whole life looking for and I'm not going to waste it.

As you all know, I need to lose weight.

As only some of you know, I bought TurboFire - the Deluxe kit. What can I say? I'm a sucker for add-ons. Plus! I got the weighted gloves!! Whoot! I was gonna buy 'em anyway so why not get them with the Recovery drink (which I will not shell out $49.95 per month for thank you very much), 5 additional workouts, the lower body band, and the Turbo Tracker (a guide to record food and workouts in)? It doubles the price of the program but I'll tell ya that it was a great decision. I had everything I needed to get pumped and get started right away.

So, for anyone who's not a professional athlete, they include the Prep Schedule. It's 9 weeks of training that leads up to you doing the HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) classes. And I said, "Pfffftt!!! I'm no wimp!" But then I figured I would just sit and watch the first HIIT class before I actually did it aaaaand.... yeah... I'm on the Prep Schedule. The Prep Schedule doesn't go anywhere near a HIIT class until week 7. That should give you an idea of how intense it is. The first HIIT workout is only 15 minutes but it's 15 full minutes of jumping, leaping, running, and full-on calorie burning that I know I'll need all 7 weeks just to gain the self-confidence to want to take it on.

But I am one whole week into the program and I will say that I love it. And I'm down 2 pounds!! My appetite is better and I'm sleeping better than I have in months. I'm in love with TurboFire and I don't care who knows it!

I've only had one bad experience and that was last Saturday. There's a 20-minute core workout and it really is ALL CORE ALL THE TIME. Each move engages at least three muscles in your core simultaneously. Seriously, you spend the entire 20 minutes down in a squat with your pelvis tucked. And then you bend and stretch and lean and engage the other core muscles. Like I said earlier, I've learned to watch all of the DVDs before I do them the first time. So after watching this one I knew I'd need support. My core is... squishy. Yeah, squishy.

I called The Boy (He's a personal trainer. Did I tell you that already? Because he is) and told him that I wanted him to work out with me. He was game because TurboFire is one of the few Beachbody products he hasn't personally tried. (He tries to take on each televised fitness program to stay educated about the goings on in his field. Plus, his clients always have questions about the latest, greatest thing in fitness). So, he came over and of course his abs look great and mine are just in there somewhere. We're doing the workout and he's talking me through it and cheering me on and I'm glaring at the TV and trying to block out the sound of his voice so I can remember to breathe.

About 8 minutes in my body turns on me and I think I'm having contractions! But then I remember I'm not pregnant. I'm doubled over and yelling "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" He grabs my arm and asks me what's wrong. Through clenched teeth I yell, "It hurts! Ohmigod! Get it off! Get it off!". So then I stand up but it hurts. I drop to my knees but that hurts. I lay on my side and it hurts. It's just the worst cramp I've ever had and its in my lower abs so it's almost like a menstrual cramp but worst. Keep in mind that I'm flailing my limbs the whole time and I'm groaning so loudly that I can't hear what he's saying.

Finally, he just grabs me and helps me stand. Then he tells me to lay down on the couch. I tell him to sit down with me and then sprawl out across his lap. I'm still clutching my belly so he pulls my arms over my head and he presses on my stomach. I start whining, "Noooooo... don't touch it! Rub it!" and he does. He made me reach my arms over my head to stretch the muscles and I loved him for it. I'm now eating a banana a day to make sure I have enough potassium in my system. Plus, he customized a pre-core-workout stretch program that he wants me to do until my abs are stronger. This is why I keep him around.

Today is rest day but I'm a bit stressed so he cleared me for cardio, especially since yesterday I only did yoga. I'd like to make this a weekly thing - telling you about my progress. I hope you don't mind if I veer off the baby track every once in awhile. But I guess this isn't really veering is it? Every step, every kick, every cramp is all for the baby so she'll have a safe, healthy place to grow in.

Until next time my lovelies.

xoxo

In all the years The Boy and I have known each other, we've yet to do the official "meet the family". Just never got that far, ya know? He is insanely patient and believes that you need to be "sure that this ship will make it across the sea" and I am not nearly as patient and lost interest in the whole thing before we got there.

He has met my family but that was during the time my mom was transitioning into buying a house and I was taking over her townhouse. Even though my mom loves him like a son (and quite possibly more than she loves me) and would give her life if it meant that The Boy and I would be together forever, they don't interact on a regular basis. My sisters can't stand him. They don't really believe he's changed and they know how much gruff I take from my mom because of him. All of my brothers want to punch him in the face (proven by the wall that surrounded me when we crossed The Boy and his female "friend" in the mall last March <--- *this* is a story that I must tell you.) And my daddy, God love him, just wants me to have whatever I want as long as it makes me happy. But he too would punch The Boy in the face if given the green light.

So Sunday, when I went to his flag football game, I didn't expect that I would have an impromptu meet-and-greet with his family. All I wanted to do was strike up a conversation with the two young ladies that were there. It was a very windy day and the three-year-old girl they had with them was cold and hungry. I'm nothing if not prepared so I offered to let her wrap up in my blanket and my banana for a snack. The team had a case of water (and I would fight the man who denied water to a child) so she was all set.

Then half-time came and I was so excited because I thought it was over. I was tired of being cold and ready to go but stuck it out. By now, I've met the young ladies' two brothers and I know that they've come with their dad. We missed most of the game because we were talking but our boys brought it home 14 - 6. With a win like that you can't help but be excited that its over. Get out on top, I say. But one of the girls assured me that there was another game.

My heart broke. I told her that I respected her but I just had to know for myself because when The Boy asked me to come to the game, he didn't say that there'd be two of them. So, when he walked off the field I said, "The Boy, is it over now?" and he replied that the one game was over but they had another immediately following on the opposite field. Then he picked up the toddler I'd been playing with all day.

It clicked.

This little girl was his niece. Which would make these girls his sisters. Those are his brothers. And that man... staring at me... with The Boy's eyes and nose... that's his father. Things were officially awkward. At least for me. The Boy had already walked away like I hadn't been made the focus of his entire family's attention. I felt a fury boiling up inside me and it was stoked by the constant staring. So, I left.

Later that night, he texted me to thank me for coming out to the game which I appreciated. But I also told him how weird it was to have unknowingly been around his family that day. At first, he thought it was funny and that I was overreacting. But I told him that I would never want to meet his family that way (meaning by accident). And that I think it inappropriate for me to meet them at all. I feel like things are already complicated and adding family to the mix would just compound upon it while putting bonds in place that don't need to be there.

I don't know if he agrees with me and I really don't care. Right now, I don't even want to be around him. It's all just too weird. Plus, I'm thinking that he's around too much anymore. I can't be sure of what's in store for us individually but I am sure that I don't want to re-visit having a relationship with him. Not right now.