Hello Ladies!
Let me just say that I love you all. I really do. You're all so supportive and understanding and I am moved everyday by the compassion and love that you show to each of us in the community.
First, I'm in therapy. I had a major meltdown in July that had me ready to end it all. I took a week off work and just wallowed in my sorrows, lying on the couch, and trying to come up with a way to end my life that still allowed my family to collect the insurance money. Depression is a dark and dangerous place. And the crazy part is that it's curable. But when you're going through it, when you are deep in the throws of your despair, you feel like not only does no one understand but no one will want to help you either. I had gotten so low that I sat up on my couch and finally reached my hands out toward my chosen device. And then. Then I thought about my baby. The one I would never have if I chose to leave this life by my own hand. So, I picked up my phone instead and wrote an email to my boss telling him I needed help because I couldn't do it on my own anymore. His response could have killed me. But instead he told me that I was a valuable part of his team and that he would do anything to get me the help I needed. That's why I can write this today. Because in two sentences he made me feel more loved than I'd felt in six months time. Love saved my life.
I have changed medications several times. The first just flat-out didn't work. The second took away all feeling. (And that's something I wouldn't allow.) The third made me manic. But this one is the key. I have ups. I have downs. And I have days in between. I live in a world of feelings for the first time in my life. I lived for years only feeling angry and notangry. Now, I can be happy, joyful, irritable, fatigued, calm, flirty, insecure, refreshed and even scared but never depressed. I love the new me. I love having feelings. I have reasonable conversations with people including my mother. I never thought this day would come but I'm so glad it did.
Second, my sister is having a baby. She'll be 16 weeks tomorrow. Her stomach still doesn't look pregnant because she was always so thin. At 5'9" she was 125 lbs. Now, she's a whopping 129.9 lbs. It's all belly and boobs. Ha! She's still with her fiance' but her eyes are slowly opening up to who he is right now. She asked me today if I thought she should get married. I told her that decision is hers alone and I will not comment on it. She has called off their wedding for the third time. Please pray for a miracle here. I believe she and bambina will be better off without T and his ridiculousness.
I start school tomorrow. One day the heavens opened up and the angels sang. I knew why I was put on this earth. Social work. I am going to help people. I will be their olive branch. Their lighthouse. Their two sentences. And it will be magical. I've been very open with my employer and again they are supporting me fully. None of them want to see me go but they have always known that my tenure wouldn't last forever. Seven years of hating what you do is more than enough, don'tcha think? Social work. And I start tomorrow. There are full grown albatrosses in my stomach.
The Boy and I are so much more than done. The bridge between us has been doused in kerosene, burned to ash, pissed on by wildlife and tilled into the earth. There is no coming back. The nagging little feeling I had. The one where I thought that he was turning this into a relationship? It was real and genuine and justified. He spent the night in my bed with me tucked under his arm, his breath on my skin. I was getting soft kisses and warm embraces. I was introduced to the family for real. All to find out that I was the other woman. Now, I'm a lot of things but I'm not a cheater. And he turned me into a cheater. Into a mistress. Into a side chick. and to say that I unleashed the fires of hell all over him would be an understatement. I feel relieved.
So, now, I am a twenty-seven year old, single, black, female, college Junior. (Already having a Bachelor's means that I have all of my electives out of the way and can move directly into my core classes! Yay!) I'm starting my life over. No more wasting time. I finally have the clarity I've spent my whole life looking for and I'm not going to waste it.
