LittleIsMuch

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of things unseen."  Hebrews 11:1

Hope is a dear friend of mine.  Someone who, first, sat with me during some of the darkest days of my childhood.  In those days, I thought for sure I was all alone. I thought I was useless, broken.  Hope reminded me that the Lord promised to never leave us or forsake us.  Hope told me that not only was the Lord WITH me, but He had a huge plan for my future.  Even as a child, I was thankful for those reminders.

I clung to those promises day after lonely day until the first time I actually FELT His presence.  The warmth of His arms around me brought a peace to my heart that I can never adequately express.  The coolness of His Spirit in my room that day renewed me & filled me until I could no longer contain the joy of His presence any more.  I couldn't wait to share with Hope that it finally happened.  He FINALLY came!  Hope was not surprised, but was certainly thrilled that I had truly found the only One who could pour enough of Himself into me to fill all those broken places within.  Hope & I shared together the joy from those moments I had experienced with my Savior.  Hope reminded me that this would not be the only time I would ever need to come to Him; but that even when darker days would come, He would always be right there.

Hope was right.  I never was alone.  I grew up knowing Hope, but more importantly, knowing the One who brought Hope into my life in the first place.  Sure, there were more difficult days to come, but Hope ALWAYS reminded me of that first significant encounter with the One I needed most.  Hope never let me forget my need for more days like that.  Hope was what carried me through the hollow numbness following the deaths of our unborn children.  Hope celebrated with my husband & I when we finally looked into the perfect little face of our firstborn son.  Hope carried me through little things like sleepless nights & laundry woes and Hope carried me through bigger things like schooling, job changes, & the life altering decision to do foster care & adoption.

I have to say that there have definitely been days over the years when I honestly couldn't FEEL the Lord in the room with me, but Hope has been faithful to remind me that He was there.  By experience, I know I can trust Hope.  I have never actually SEEN Hope, but Hope has never disappointed me in the past & I have no reason to believe that Hope will disappoint me in the future.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; & character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."  Romans 5:1-5

They say, "people who live in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones."  That's probably true to an extent.  However, I would say that people who truly live in "glass houses" actually have the least to lose if stones are thrown. In addition to that, I would say that those who truly live in "glass houses" will likely be the LAST to throw stones.   They know the risks.  It seems to me that people who truly live in "glass houses" are people who are transparent--authentic. Authentic people are already "out there" so-to-speak, for others to see.  Not to be put on a pedestal, or to be viewed for "viewing's sake" but to be REAL.  In my opinion, it seems that being REAL with others does much more in the long run when it comes to building lasting relationships & even building the Kingdom, than hiding behind walls will EVER do.


People who build walls are fragile, yet proud & are typically the 1st to fire stones at others.  It's SAFER behind a wall.  No one can see you.  No one can reach you. No one can hurt you. You can put in a window or a door & have control over who sees what, when it comes to the real you.  You can easily see the weaknesses in those who are transparent, while keeping your own frailties hidden.  The problem with walls, is that you're alone inside them.  Even if one or two people are sitting in there with you, you're really never able to become comfortable with who you are.  Why?--Because whatever we think we have to protect ourselves from never goes away as long as the walls are there.  What we don't realize while we're sitting inside our thick, carefully constructed walls, is that the enemy we perceive to be lurking on the other side of those walls, is really inside our own heads.  In effort to keep the enemy on the outside, we're really locking him right in there with us.  Taunting us.  Lying to us.  Keeping us captive.



Freedom only comes when we open ourselves up to the world around us.  Once the walls begin to fall, you feel exposed at first.  It's risky.  It's scary.  BUT, once the walls come down, you're finally free.  Free from bondage.  Free to move about.  Free to BE.  I don't believe God ever intended that we lock ourselves behind walls.  We don't need manmade layers of protection.  We only NEED the protection of the Father.  The One whose wings, span our every worry & cover our every fear.

With this new freedom comes responsibility.  We're not free to spat off every annoyance & every critical suggestion we feel we have earned the right to.  We ARE free, however, to extend the grace & mercy we have found towards others who might be desperately seeking it.  We are free to help others climb out from behind their own self-constructed walls & into the abundant freedom we now enjoy.  We are free from shame.  Free from fear.  Free with our time.  Free with our will.  Free with our love.

It's not until darkness is exposed, that it can be destroyed by the light.  Don't just open the door & let the light shine in.  Allow God to destroy the walls & then be FILLED with His light.

"Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works & praise your Father in Heaven..."  Matthew 5:16

Healing is a funny thing.  Sometimes it happens instantaneously.  Sometimes it happens slowly over time.  Other times, it seems as though it never comes.  I know of some people right now who are praying for physical healing.  Physical healing is something that's usually visible and measurable.  Physical healing is often achievable via medical means--not always, but sometimes.  I pray for my friends who have physical needs because I know the needs are there.  In some cases, they're obvious because of a visible sign or perhaps a hospitalization or appointments with a physician. Not only do we know TO pray for physical needs, but we usually know HOW to pray for physical needs.  If there's pain, we ask the Lord to take it away.  If there's a lack of function of an organ, we ask the Lord to correct the situation or at least enable the doctors to correctly diagnose the problem & work towards a solution.

I my own life, I have experienced physical healing & will never forget the joy that it brought when I realized God had performed a medical miracle.  After the birth of our 2nd biological daughter, I experienced immense lower back pain, which an MRI showed was the result of 1 bulging & 1 crushed disk in my vertebrae.  The next step was surgery.  Following a prayer & anointing, however, I felt my pain gradually disappear.  A 2nd MRI confirmed that the discs "repaired themselves" which I knew meant that the Lord had done a work in my body.  Of course, I praised Him & we shared our miracle with as many people as we could.  There was no social media at the time, so it was limited to just people I could physically see or telephone the "old fashioned" way.  Nevertheless, we celebrated that healing in every way that was available to us at the time.

As much joy as that healing brought to me, there has been a MUCH greater, more significant healing within me which has taken years for the Lord to perform.  The Lord has healed me to the point that I am not even a recognizable version of the girl I used to be.  As a child, I was broken.  Circumstances beyond my control altered me in such a way that I was forced to take every measure possible to shield myself from further hurt.  I lived my childhood & teen years surrounded by a protective covering of laughter & activity, never truly opening myself up to anyone.  I never truly felt "safe" anywhere.  I never truly experienced "trust" with another human.  I never felt "worthy" of anything good & I certainly never saw myself as having any real "value" to anyone other than my parents.

Not even really knowing that I was broken, I didn't actually seek after healing, per se, but rescue.  In my seeking for rescue, I found the One I knew held my solution in the palm of His hands.  Hour after hour, night after night, I spent listening to music & just being held by my Savior.  There are people who claim that the Holy Spirit is imaginary, but once you find yourself physically held by Him, there will never be a shred of doubt in your mind that He's absolutely real.

Heading into college, I had an assurance that the Lord would take care of me, regardless of the fact that my family could not support me financially.  I knew because that same One who held me all those years was speaking to me & giving me the courage to do something that I never would have done on my own.  In college, I had countless decisions to make regarding my future.  A future I only wanted to spend with the One who held me.  For the first time, He brought me to a place where I could finally be "real" with someone.  He enabled me to open up for the first time about my brokenness.  These people held me up in prayer & I will forever be thankful for their friendship at such a critical period of my life.

Today, I can tell you that I have been healed.  I am whole.  I cannot point to a scar & tell you HOW God did whatever He did, but I can tell you with unspeakable JOY, that it happened.  I can also tell you that He does this kind of thing ALL THE TIME.  It's kind of His specialty.  Just ask the Woman at the Well.  She had wounds within her that she couldn't even put her finger on, but Jesus could.  He not only put His finger on them, but He HEALED them.  She left the well that day one hundred percent different from the way she came.

I say all that to say this:  You or I never know what someone is carrying around within them.  Behind that smile & those sparkly eyes may be someone with brokenness who desperately needs an encounter with the One who can bring healing to their soul.  You could be the one the Lord uses to bring Himself to those who need Him most.  Listen more than you speak.  Love more than you correct.  Learn more than you teach.

If you're that one who's still carrying around your hurt & brokenness, I can tell you that life on the other side of that is SO MUCH better than holding onto it.  Open yourself up to an encounter that will bring you healing.  There's so much freedom once you do.

I am silent much of the time on this blog because I generally feel like it's presumptuous to think that I have anything so valuable to say that anyone else needs to take the time to read it.  Well, today, I think I figured out something that might be of value to all of us, so here goes...

Now that we're entering the Christmas season, I see all the articles being thrown around about how to keep CHRIST in Christmas vs. "Happy Holidays" and materialism vs. simplicity.  I see all the Elf-on-the-Shelf pictures and see all the reasons why Santa has no place in the "truly" Christian home.  I also see (& feel) the pressure for all the musicals, "holiday" concerts, Nutcracker performances, the shopping and overall hustle & bustle that this season brings.  With all this going on, the reality is, Christ really does tend to get lost among all the clutter we have crammed into our lives.

I think it is time for those of us in this position to stop for a couple of minutes each day & do something together.  Look for Christ.  I am committing to stopping every single day (not just this season, but always) and look for HIM.  He is here.  He is here even today.  He is ACTIVE.  He is active even now.  What is He doing around you?  Are you still near to Him, or do you need to draw closer?  Am I working alongside Him or have I gotten distracted & wandered off on a tangent?  In our effort to raise children & be successful, have we remembered the reason, not only for this season, but for our very existence in the first place?  We exist for HIM.  We exist to bring praise to Him.  We are an extension of HIS hands & feet.  We live to point others towards Him & not towards our successes.  We are HIS people, the sheep of HIS pasture (Psalm 100:3).  We need to look for where He is and BE THERE.

So let's go!  I'll start.  Today, I saw Jesus right before staff meeting.  I was wrestling with a recent attack of sorts and in my Scripture reading, the Lord led me to a section of His Word which confirmed that my heart is seeking His will as it should.  I needed that confirmation today.  I thank His Spirit for bringing comfort to me right when I need it.  He not only did that for me today, He has done it countless times before.  He is faithful.  Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness.

Now it's your turn.  Where did you see Him today?

Being a mother to children you did not birth can lead a person to some unusual emotional places.  With children you give birth to, there is an inescapable bond which makes it more natural to have insight into what the child needs.  There is literally a part of you inside that child somewhere which connects you emotionally and you at the very least have some sort of "hunch" as to the origin of the particular behavior, attitude or action.  It's not that there is a greater love for natural children as opposed to adopted ones, but simply a greater ability to understand the child.

The inability to understand my children who did not come from me has been weighing heavily on my heart lately.  I try very hard to look them each in the eye as much as possible to see if there is some new light into who they are becoming as they are growing older.  They say the eyes are the window to the soul.  I'd like to meet the guy who said that & have him live in my house for a while.  There are times when I feel like I'm nowhere closer to understanding their souls than I was when they first came.

Yesterday was one of those days.  I felt like I have failed my children.  I am at a loss to know what to do next with a couple of them and it all just hit me like a brick wall.  I don't love them any less than any of my other children, but love is a choice.  Understanding is not.  I can choose love and that love increases & strengthens over time.  I can choose to understand all day long, but unless somehow the light is turned on for me, I cannot understand any more tomorrow than I do today.

Today I am seeking after the One who has the light to shed some of it into this broken momma.  As I prayed for my children today on their 1st day of school, I was led to a passage in Isaiah which most likely has nothing to do with children, but God used it to open my eyes to what He is doing in our family.


My take away?
First of all, what I'm asking of God takes "time."  In my mind 6 years is a lot of time, but in the grand scheme of my children's lives and the whole of history...It's really not that long. Okay, Lord, I will wait for the time of your favor.

Secondly, He will KEEP me!  This process is NOT going to destroy me...Even though I felt destroyed yesterday.  He has me right in the palm of His hand.  There is no better place to be than that!

The final thing struck me like lightning!  He is making ME into a COVENANT for my children...to RESTORE them and "reassign their desolate inheritances."  They have come from desolate places with genetic wiring that I cannot understand, but He is reassigning them to their new origin!  WOW!  I guess it's not only a work in THEM that needs to come to completion, but there's a serious work in ME which needs to take place as well.  How in the world can I possibly be a COVENANT for my children?  Lord, make me into whatever YOU need me to be for the sake of my children.  My own understanding is not nearly as important as my BEING who You need me to be so that You can use me to make them into who they need to be.

Thank you, Lord for making today a WHOLE NEW day!  I gladly leave yesterday in Your hands. 

My Big Junior Highers on their first day of school

My Littlest Munchkins on their 1st day of school

As a child I remember being excited to try little pranks on April Fool's Day.  For many years as a teacher, I would pull little tricks on my classes, but eventually the "fun" of that day sort of wore off.  There is one April Fool's Day, however, which is the most memorable one of my life.  It's the day we received our very first placement in foster care...April 1, 2004.  We had NO IDEA what we were doing.  All we knew was that for some reason, God had asked us to open our home to little people without a home.  It didn't make sense.  Some might even say it was foolish.  Nevertheless, that day, a case worker brought four blonde headed little boys into our home and our family would NEVER be the same.

These four boys, while they only lived with us for a period of four months serve as an eternal reminder that the "wisdom of this world is foolishness to God" (I Cor. 3:19).  People asked us regularly if we were crazy.  The truth is, most likely YES.  We cannot help ourselves when it comes to saying "yes" to the Lord.  It doesn't always make sense according to our human reasoning, but somehow in God's mind, it is EXACTLY RIGHT.   After all, what kind of King lays in a manger and grows up as a pauper?  What kind of a King stands mute as He's ridiculed, beaten beyond recognition & even killed over nothing?  Certainly not any kind of king WE can think of!

God's plan is almost never something we can even imagine with our own feeble minds.  There are times, even, when it doesn't make sense in hindsight.  However, I seem to remember hearing/reading "somewhere" that faith is "being certain of what we do not see" (Heb. 11:1).   I believe God does not reveal His full plan to us up front because there are things about His plan which are too overwhelming and would frighten us away.  However, as we remain faithful and obedient, He gives us more and more glimpses of His plan, increases our faith and strengthens us more and more. 

So...on this April Fool's Day, I challenge you to be "foolish" for the Lord.  Open your heart up to WHATEVER He leads you to do, whether it makes "sense" or not.  Take a step.  Trust HIM!

Well, the past two years have been INSANE!  In addition to our "new addition" and my "new calling" I have been working diligently to complete my master's in ministry and educational requirements for ordination through The Wesleyan Church.  I'm DONE!  I do have one last 2 1/2 day class to take in April, but my master's is DONE and everything else is DONE!  I know there's a chance that no one will read this because I've dropped off any blog radar there may be, but I'm using this as a chance to restart, nonetheless.

As a mom, the past couple of years have been stretching to say the least.  God has stretched me to the very edge of who I am so many times, I'm not even sure I'm recognizable anymore.  That's a GOOD thing...Just different.  My children are growing so quickly.  There are things we have discovered about a couple of them which have caused us to realize that sometimes damage cannot always be "undone" but that sometimes we have to learn how to operate and move ahead regardless of the past and regardless of what we can fully understand. 

Here's a short summary of a small part of the Good, the Bad & the Ugly from the past 2 years:  Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Reactive Attachment Disorder are REAL.  They do not just go away over time.  Disorders and Syndromes, however, are NOT beyond the scope of God's control nor His power.  We are clinging to that now more than ever before.  Even though it was not our direct choices which have brought about these circumstances into our lives, we still must pay the price and be faithful.  We have a choice on how we move forward.  We can move ahead with hopelessness and allow "nature" to run its course, whatever that may be or we can choose to cling to the hope of an all powerful God who can give us wisdom, strength and endurance to run the race marked out before us (Hebrews 12:1-2). 

I believe God can and desires to save the souls of ALL EIGHT of our children (II Peter 3:9).  I cling to the hope that He will.  I determine that I will operate under the fact that suffering is temporal  and that we are working and striving for things which are eternal (II Corinthians 4:17-18).  I will store up the tiniest of advances and allow the collection of them to strengthen my hope.  I will say OUTLOUD every day: The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God:, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold (Psalm 18:2).  I will allow HIM to carry us and not my own strength or wisdom (Psalm 46:1 & I Corinthians 1:25).

I pray that wherever you find yourself at this moment in time, that you can understand that we all have our struggles.  They may look different from one family to the next, but God is the same God to each of us.  There IS victory in HIM alone for all who are willing to call upon His Name!