Tuesday, January 03, 2017
2017
一年就這樣過去了。
回想著2016年，還真的發生了不少事。高興的、快樂的、悲傷的、難過的。2016年十二月前，我覺得一切都好好，好到我覺得即使這樣過一生都ok。但之後，一切都改變了。
我想，我依舊擺脫不了矛盾悲觀的個性。即使有10萬件好事發生，一件不好的事卻足以影響一切。而我的人生在十二月以後，迷路了。
我看不到任何希望與光芒。我無法不去想像接下來的日子會是怎樣。甚至，我已經開始想著該如何結束這一切。我，原來真的很軟弱。
今天讀到怪獸媽媽過世的消息，原本埋藏的情緒又再次一觸即發。看著他在演唱會悲傷的眼神，我似乎感受到了什麼，而我想我能夠體會那種心情。讀到他在臉書上發表的文字，即使悲傷，卻有一絲絲的欣慰。他身邊有五月天（或更多的朋友）陪著他，好好。有著可以依靠的人，無論精神上或心靈上，好好。他真的好堅強，好好。
悲觀的我，讀著他的文字，不禁讓我想到自己。雖然不能也不該比較，不過我依然忍不住想著自己有多可悲。活了將近30年了，我覺得自己真是一事無成啊，連一個能分享心事的朋友都沒有。好幾次忍不住想對我身邊的朋友訴苦，坦白一切的心事，但話到嘴邊，一個字也說不出來。或許大家會覺得是我個人的問題，我不說，有誰會知道。可能我太過敏感吧，當我感受不到對方想聽的意願，我也就什麼也不會說了。畢竟大家都有著自己的人生，自己的故事，我是誰，誰會感興趣，誰會關心。大家都只想當說故事的人，有誰願意當聽故事的觀眾？
或許，我自己也本來就不是一個很好的朋友，沒辦法給朋友所謂的依靠。我本來就是一個人，從來都只是一個人。
這些話，我或許永遠不會對任何一個人說。或許十年二十年後，讀著這些文字的我，也會覺得自己很荒謬，但此時此刻的我，只想把這些心情紀錄下來。
這次來到台灣，我覺得我想明白了很多事情。看了兩場五月天演唱會，也看了蘇打綠休團前的演出。我很慶幸自己是如此的依賴著他們的音樂。之前，我只覺得自己是個瘋狂的老粉絲，都幾歲了還迷偶像。但經過1月1日的兩場演出，我似乎能夠明白自己為何如此迷戀著他們的音樂。因為他們的音樂，給了我誰也給不了的力量。
1月1日的演出，青峰有說，大家應該放大美好的、不應該只把焦點擺在不好的而將它無限放大。當下聽到，不禁流淚，因為這些話完完全全安慰了我。突然覺得我好不應該把悲傷放大，而忘了所有的快樂。更不應該只顧著難過，而浪費了現在如此寶貴的時間。
同一天五月天的演出，莫名其妙在好多歌落下眼淚。五月天的歌，總能把複雜的心情描寫得淋漓盡致。歌曲所產生的共鳴，讓我覺得自己並不孤單。那晚，他們說的話都好感性好溫柔。即使我已記不住他們說了什麼，我只記得當下，我很感動，也覺得很安慰。那種感覺，就像是他們在對我說，'嘿，我都懂'。有人懂你，真的好好。
過了今夜，我會把心裡一切的不安與悲傷埋藏起來，繼續好好的生活。即使我知道這道傷痕永遠也不會痊癒，即使我依舊沒辦法看見光亮，即使我還是非常的難過。
我不想再想以後會怎樣怎樣，我只想過好現在的每一分每一秒。累積越多快樂的回憶，我就會有更多力量走下去。
把悲痛藏起來吧，所有人都是如此的，有誰沒有悲傷呢？好希望時間能夠慢慢的過，讓我好好的記住一切一切。
寫在1月3日凌晨2點。
02:49
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Thursday, December 03, 2015
A Year!!
I can't believe it had been a year since I'd written anything in this blog. Writing about my life used to be an enjoyable thing that I must do since I was 18. But I guess when you grow older, other priorities start to take over, until you don't even realise what you like doing anymore.
Anyway, major updates in my life:
(1) Finally graduated from NTU. People keep telling me that I'd been always studying and my studies never seem to end. So yes, now I can announce to all people that it had finally ended, sadly. I missed NTU, I missed school by the way. Although I may not be socially active, but I've definitely made a few good friends. Good friends that would stay with you for life I think. I've learnt things that I always wanted to learn. I've experience university life, exchange life. I do not at once regret going into NTU although I am overage there. If I really need to mention one bad memory about NTU, it would be not working hard enough. I mean really hard. And I pay for this, by missing first class honors by a mere 0.02. Nonetheless, I was glad that I am able to complete a minor in Translation.
(2) Finally had my first grad trip. I did not have one when I graduated from NYP. So, I made it up by going to 2 countries with 2 of my best friends in university. Japan and Taiwan. Love the countries, enjoyed the trip and accompaniment. Would definitely want to visit there again, and again, and again!
(3) Managed to secure a job position within 6 months of graduating. It may be long as compared to others, who managed to secure jobs even before graduation. However, I am satisfied with my current job now, one that I really like and look forward to. Hopefully, I will make this a sustaining career. People questioned me when they realised that I am back to healthcare industry again. I do not understand why. Why would you want to question your friend's decision? I had always loved healthcare industry. Leaving nursing does not mean that I hate the industry. It's just too tiring for me. Or maybe I am just too weak to sustain through it. Choosing communication studies is to fulfill the dream I always had, to experience the media, or rather music industry. It does not mean I need to work in the same industry. I don't understand this cliche thinking that you must practice what you study. Why can't we just study something we like? And not study because you want to work in the industry? Is it wrong to just like studying? It may be a waste of money to others, but, I am the one paying for it. Thus, please stop questioning my decision.
Anyway, I am happy in my job now. It is a mixture between healthcare as well as communications. I think this is a good position to be in thus far.
3 months into working. Finally applied for my first leave in this new job. It was exciting. Haha. Going to visit Taiwan again, with my mum this time as she complained she had not gone overseas for some time. It is quite a good timing to go overseas I supposed, January, especially when my sister is away in Shenzhen for work until CNY. I wanted to plan for another trip in March, but could not find anyone to go with me at the moment. Sighs. The rare moment I felt a bit lonely. Nevertheless, I would consider going on a solo trip if I really cannot find anyone ultimately.
This post pretty sums up everything I'd experienced in year 2015. Hopefully, it would not be another year before I update again.
16:09
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Friday, December 19, 2014
It has been long.
I have long forgotten the feeling of writing a blog to note down my daily life. Nothing interesting has happened. I am still the same old me, with a bit more experiences. I am left with one more semester in university before graduating. Time is passing fast, as usual. I am still unclear of what I want to do in the future, as usual. But, one thing for sure now, I am happier than before. I guess that is the biggest realisation I have in this year of 2014. I may have forgotten why did I left nursing, why did I choose to study again, why did I choose to be this person now, but one thing important is, I am indeed happier than before. I cannot say for sure what will I become if I have not chosen this path, but I'm sure that I would definitely not be as happy as I am if I have chosen to remain in the old path. Is this new path better? I don't know, it seems that the unchosen road would always seem better and brighter. This is how human is, never contented.
6 more months till graduation and new job, I hope.
5 more months to Japan and Taiwan again.
For now, FYP is taking over my life, no matter how much I disallowed it.
11:06
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Monday, May 05, 2014
Mid of internship
Internship is coming to an end in 5 weeks time. Looking forward to the holidays, and also final year of school. I don't what I will do in the future, I just want to live everyday to its very fullest. Honestly, who knows what will happen to me the next day, the next moment?
I don't know what's more to update. Just feel like typing the first post of my 2014. Just want to record something down. I am tired, stressed, unhappy at times, but still I am way happier than before. That's the most important point of this post.
23:55
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Friday, December 13, 2013
Crazy Yes I Am
Counting down 2 more weeks to Taiwan! Yeah again I know. It was quite a random decision in October when I am all stressed up in school. Decided then that I need a break, from the harsh weather then, and from the piled up amount of work. And so, I just booked the tickets to Taiwan, Kaoshiung to be specific just like that. I think my mum wants to go also, hahaha, and so yup, she is going with me. Then the coincidence came when Mayday announced a few weeks later a concert in Kaohsiung. Wow, all the excitement really starts setting in then. Tickets snatching is horrible. I got mine purely by luck, really. Luckily I decided to go for 1st Jan 2014 session only. I think the Dec 31st session is worse, more people eying that show. But I do want to countdown at their free concerts there. Haven't decide which countdown to go to. Probably, start at Tainan, then go back to Dream mall for fireworks and countdown. Tainan mainly, my mum wants to watch sodagreen, and so do I. HAHAHA.
This is truly quite a random post. I don't think I have posted updates like this since years. Haix, well, I should not always post reflections and emotional stuff perhaps, makes me more upset actually. But mood is really good recently. Too many nice songs to listen to. Strongly recommend Hebe's and Cheer's new album. Truly great works. Got a few other nice songs also. Makes my life really fulfilling by hearing such great songs.
PI starting after I come back from Taiwan. A bit uncertain, and worried. But who won't?
12:35
2 comments
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Defining Friends
Can't believe this is only my 4th post of year 2013, and it is soon coming to an end. Well, I am glad that the 3/4 of my 2013 are spent in happiness, doing things I like, being with friends I loved. And yup, here comes the emo time of the year again. I don't want to feel this way but I can't help to feel this way.
I always thought I have made quite a few good friends after I entered university, and this feeling got stronger after coming back from the exchange. But now, I think I may need to rethink my definition of friends in my personal dictionary. Perhaps it is just my problem once again, that I am someone who is hard to get along with and thus such things keep happening again and again. Or is it the way that I think about friends is far too optimistic, and that I really overestimate our relationships at times? I am not too sure, how would you define someone as your good friend? Aren't good friends supposed to share and talk about more things, be it good or bad? I think the statement that says true friends are those who tell you the ugly truth is definitely invalid. Honestly, who can stand someone who keeps putting you down, your ideas down and not want to listen to you, or simply just give you the feeling that you must shut up even when you have not even talked yet?
I supposed this is not an exaggeration of my problems. I like to listen to all my friends talk, I respect their feelings, and I listen always. But, there is seriously no freaking one person who is very willing to listen to me at all, I thought I had, but actually no sadly. Not that I always have a lot to say, not that I always have significant life events to say, but not that all my friends have anyway, but I still listen. Yet, when I try to talk about random mundane stuff, I get no answer no response, or worst, answers like "what has it got to do with me", "you say already like never say". I don't think that's the correct attitude to treat someone whom you regard as good friends, or to be honest, I don't think you should even treat any of your friends in this manner.
I understand that sometimes it may be because that person is in bad mood or what, but so? It does not mean that I need to take all the crap or nonsense from you just because you are not happy and thus don't want to hear me talk. Honestly, do you really think that everytime I listen to you talking talking about random stuff I am in the best of mood? I do reply and entertain all sorts of random stuff that you tell me, even if I am not feeling good, because that's the way I feel that relationships should work. I don't think that I should ignore, or hurt anyone by giving such remarks just because I am in a bad mood.
It makes me depressed when such things happen. Despite not wanting to think more about it, the hurt feeling just remains. Now, I don't know what kind of feelings should I engage when I face such people again? I don't think I can talk in the way I used to with them anymore, and I don't think I can truly treat them with an open heart anymore. Perhaps once their bad mood go away, they will be talking randomly to me again, and maybe they will listen to me again, but not for me. I don't think I will ever treat them in the same way I did before again. Well, my heart opens to every friends that I made, and I treat every single relationship as important and dearly. But, people rarely do the same thing to me. It goes back to the same question again that perhaps I do not deserve any love and respect from anyone. I am simply just annoying and problematic?
SO what defines a good friend? What defines a friend? I think I need to redefine everything in my heart again. I think that I should not take the world too optimistically anymore. I think I need to rethink my position and status in others' life, that I am not as important or as a "good friend" I thought I am. Yeah, perhaps if I don't invest feelings, I will not be feeling so troubled anymore.
18:59
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Monday, August 19, 2013
台灣交換紀錄
不知不覺，我已經回來一個月又兩天了。依然能記得當初家人送我到機場的畫面，還有許多點點滴滴，像如何適應新環境、習慣華語上課、填地址時寫的是新竹縣竹北市。好多好多美好的、愉快的、孤單的、興奮的、不捨的回憶。沒有時間一一寫出，就寫幾個印象最深的事蹟吧！
1. 終於實現了騎單車環旗津島的願望了。 單車技術只有“爛”字能形容的我，也騎著車環了綠島，和台南的一小部分。
2. 去了最想去的澎湖（承認是因為看了五月天 ok la 被影響的），還有台東（被蘇打綠影響）。偶像的誘惑。
3. 騎了機車（真的機車）在澎湖環島，雖然大部份我是被載的那位，不過騎著車，逆著風，舉著雙手，真的太爽了！
4. 看了生平第一次的星空，美到無法形容。
5. 短短五個月，看了有史以來最多場演唱會，包括：五月天兩場JLI，MP射手，Alin，G－Dragon， 蘇打綠Take Me Home，春浪，SHE。
6. 去了好多簽唱會，一個人，跟朋友都有，幾乎每一場都要特地從新竹到台北。
7. 去了具有代表性的音樂頒獎典禮，Hito 和 金曲獎。Hito 最值得了，看了非常多大牌藝人。
8. 夜排了三次。第一在相信音樂公司，第二是從新竹殺到台中，第三在新竹縣政府廣場排了超過將近30小時，還搭帳篷，超誇張的，而且都是為了五月天。
9. 參加了我人生中第一場歌唱比賽，還得了第二名。
10. 終於如願在台灣生活了五個月。
還有很多很多，不過有點想不起來，畢竟五個月裡發生了很多事啊。美好的時光總過得特別快。如今已回到新加坡，也開學了。不過，真的非常慶幸自己能夠經歷這美好的一切。
23:00
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Monday, April 15, 2013
寫在台灣的某一晚
好久沒更新這裡了，感覺時間越多，能做的事情越少。之前一直嚷嚷著要來台灣交換的事，現在一轉眼已經到台灣兩個月又兩天了，真快。台灣新竹真是一個不一樣的地方，來到這裡，腳步放慢了，很多事情看得更清楚，有些事想得更開了。
哈，真可笑，現在的我開心時並不想也不會來這裡寫點什麼，反倒是不開心時比較想來這抒發一下。有些話不說並不代表沒發生，也不代表我不在乎，而是我真的已經懶得再說些什麼了。其實，我並不是那麼不開心的。我依然很享受現在的一切，我喜歡在台灣的生活，所有事情得親力親為，努力學習著獨立。我喜歡上課時後的慢步調，還有自由不心虛的發言權利。我喜歡時不時就有心愛的歌手表演，到處都能聽到美妙的音樂。
我不知道，以上描述的似乎都是很表面的東西。有時候模糊地看待一切好像比較快樂簡單。什麼事情一旦深入探討，好像就不會顯得如此美好了。人也是一樣。
說真的，從以前到現在，我真的真的搞不清楚我身邊的人到底是人是鬼。當然指的不是那種鬼啦。當你與某些人越熟時，你就會覺得自己越不了解她／他。活了1/4世紀，還是不會辨別人心啊。我不喜歡無謂的對不起，因為沒誠意的道歉真的很噁心。我不喜歡那些所謂嘲諷的玩笑話，因為開別人玩笑也要有分寸，我不出聲不代表無所謂，而且同一句話說個1、2遍就算了，每天都重複是想怎樣？我不喜歡那些場面話，因為虛假的噓寒問暖我真的不需要，而且這些話聽多了就只是煩。我不喜歡不問自取的行為，難道沒人教過你那相等於偷竊嗎？我不喜歡所有的事情都是雙面的，所有人都是雙面的，我搞不清楚到底誰是真誰是假。我不喜歡容易哭泣的人，因為那對我來說只是懦弱的表現，哭泣到底能解決什麼？換來的只是一句安慰，或許一個肩膀一個擁抱，然後呢？
有時候相處在人群之中反而顯得更加寂寞。在吵鬧的喧嘩聲中，更能聽見內心的輕聲，時時刻刻提醒我不要投入太多情感／時間在這些人事物上。對不起聽多了會膩，話說多了不被理會也會膩。我不是一個有趣的人。我習慣一個人聽歌散步偶爾和朋友出外走走。我身邊熟悉的朋友都是值得相信的，所以我有好幾個認識多年的朋友。相反的，認識的新朋友都讓我很迷惘，我不知道該不該相信。試著多認識人，說多點話，然後呢？不被理會，不被注重，不被關切，不被放在眼裡？還是每天說著那些沒什麼營養的話語開一些其實自己想哭的玩笑？最終我不知道那些朋友算什麼？
對，或許我真的像他們所說得一樣老了，對啊，我時時刻刻都被提醒著自己真的年級大了，好像不應該多說話，不應該出國交換，甚至不應該讀書了。那我是不是應該找間養老院算了，還是在家裡自怨自哀歲月為何那麼不饒人 ？我不知道，我從來都不懷疑年齡會成為什麼的障礙，因為心裡怎麼面對不是最重要的嗎？要踏出穩定的生活去追求一個未知的人生是要多大的勇氣，而我最終得到的不是那些所謂朋友的支持而是諷刺。玩笑開多了後並不好笑而是可惡。我好擔心本來就沒什麼定力的我會因此動搖。
可是更諷刺的是，這些話我可能一輩子也不會當面對這些人說。有時候想大聲表示，你憑什麼說我？但懦弱的我，不可能說出口。在這裡寫著這些，眼淚也得默默往眼裡流，因為哭泣是更懦弱的。深夜裡，好想念新加坡的家人朋友，特別想念妹妹和媽媽和爸爸。
然而明天起床後，還是得帶著笑容過生活。我並不是不開心，只是這些小小的遺憾不免讓我有點心寒。交換生活過了快一半了，我不能讓這些無謂的一切影響我的心情，應該要更努力地過每一天。我要更堅強一點，面對所有虛假的笑容。有些事，不說出口並不表示我不知道，只是，我真的不想拆穿你們那噁心的面貌，因為如果你們連那一層可悲的面具都被戳破了話，我真不知道你們到底要以什麼來過活。
01:16
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Tuesday, January 01, 2013
2013!!!
2013終於來臨了。我相信這會是一個很棒的一年。期待已久的台灣之行即將展開，而且還是5個多月，真的是超期待的。另外，倒數依然是看著五月天倒數，感覺很好。想起了去年在小巨蛋與他們一起倒數，那個倒數一生難忘，因為是個誤時的倒數，哈哈。今年還多看了一個團體，也就是蘇打綠。2012年真的很不錯，學業蠻順利，而且認識了不少新朋友，也接觸到了更多更棒的音樂。其中就有831，棉花糖，當然還有蘇打綠。既從五月天後，蘇打綠是另一個帶給我許多力量的樂團。真的非常感謝這些很棒的音樂陪我度過每一個艱難的日子。
看著台灣跨年晚會的網絡直播，讓我更期待啟程到台灣。未來會發生什麼事或許是個未知數，但我會更勇敢的走下去的。新的一年，分享我第一刻所聽到的歌，蘇打綠在義大跨年晚會所唱的“這天”。
夠深刻了嗎? 來躺下吧
讓我輕撫你安慰 傷害我後的疲累
夠尖銳了嗎? 看我的疤
用溫柔包覆勇敢 給喘息的你笑臉
生命從來不覺得自己對誰該負責任
(我們看了編造的謊言 就如此輕易將彼此劃成碎片)
太多虛偽情節的表面模糊陌生的眼
請讓我在你身邊 一起穿越這條街
請讓我在你身邊 一起紀念這一天
夠痛快了嗎? 我知道啊
躲在你利刃之內 驕傲的自卑作祟
夠鮮豔了嗎? 血染的花
被你刺滿的雙手 此刻擦乾你眼淚
總有一天我們都死去 丟掉名字的回憶再沒有意義
總有一天我們都忘記 曾為了一個越演越爛的故事傷心
總有一天我們都嘆息 笑著緬懷有過的愚蠢的美麗
就讓現在過去
讓我握你的手 徹底了解顫抖
讓你握我的手 你會知道我
(透過我的眼淚看你的臉
自由是我們需要的特權
你笑了 我笑了)
希望在新的一年，所有人能夠更真誠更真實的面對自己面對他人，也希望自己能握緊身邊每一個重要的朋友家人。
00:52
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Monday, December 24, 2012
near the end of 2012
And so the end of world did not occur after all, not that I believed in it in the first place. But I really thought that the idea of everyone perishing together is not that bad actually, because if everyone was to die together, at least, sorrow and grief will not surface, since everyone is gone. Together. The most painful, scary thing about death is to leave your loved one alone living while you're gone, or to see your loved one leaving while you cannot do anything about it. The idea of being left behind. So, if there is really a day which everyone can disappear together, perhaps, this will not be a bad day after all.
Anyway, life still needs to go on. Soon 2013, a new year will arrive. Time to do a year end reflection post. I think my 2012 just revolved around school most of the time. Y1S2 in the beginning of 2012, seriously I cannot recall much things about it, oops. After that was an "I dunno how to describe it" experience of internship as a production assistant for 3 months before school starts again as Y2S1. This semester was fast-moving. My time was spent meaningfully in my opinion, 3-days school week was both relaxing and hectic. Rushing around for classes due to jamming of classes together in 3 days, 6 modules were a bit straining but still manageable, had wkw friends together for translation classes was more fun, knowing some friends better through some modules, experience of radio practicum was awesome and enjoyable. In summary, I enjoyed my Y2S1, and almost everyday I woke up feeling great :) One week after exams, I started work again at the clinical lab. Most probably I will continue working until CNY next year.
Reading stories about friends on exchange make me so excited for mine. Seeing those nice pictures taken during their trips make me wonder whether mine will be as exciting. Sometimes I wonder I should really apply those western countries instead in the first place, because those places are really beautiful and I may not have many chance to explore them in my whole life. Whereas Taiwan is a place which I'd been to many times. Nonetheless, these are just some thoughts. I am still looking forward for my exchange in Taiwan, and to explore those places which I've never been to. Although I'd visited Taiwan quite a no. of times, there are still a lot of places I've never been to. I must make use of the few months there to visit them all. And, Chinese is still the language I am most comfortable with. Haha.
A lot of things to be planned though, and I've not started yet. I should start looking for places that I wish to visit and do some research on them. Then, I need to write a to-pack list. Just thinking through what I want to bring there feels heavy and overloaded already. I don't want to buy everything from there though, so I'll probably try to pack most of the things I need there, and of course to the weight which I can carry. I do not want to drag heavy suitcase and baggage up and down the stairs at train stations again. Yup, writing here is a form of procrastination already haha. I am always lazy to really go get things done, especially with work starting 0730 so tiring. Haha.
Hmmm, perhaps, I should go get some things done now. Shall stop here, hehe, hopefully I will diligently update here when I go for exchange. Or should I open up a new tumblr blog just for simple updates? Shall think about it. Haha. Oh ya, results releasing this Friday, really not looking forward to it. Have this bad feeling bout screwing up some modules. Haix, hopefully not.
14:21
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