Every year seems like it's more painful than the last but I can say with certainty that birthday four has broken my soul into even more pieces than it had already been broken. I have spent many hours doing the painful gut wrenching crying that I remember so well from the beginning. I haven't had one of those awful screaming bawling fits in a while. But it wasn't hard to let myself feel it this year. I needed to feel it.
I've been trying to do this post since his birthday. And here we are almost to Christmas and I'm just able to finish what I started writing on November 2nd. I'm just starting to feel a little more like myself again. Except now Christmas is next week and I want so much to be labeling gifts for Aiden to place under the tree with his brothers' gifts. I want to have more for his stocking than just notes from Nygel, my sister, my mom, and I. I wish he had so much more in that stocking- that cards were coming in for him from family and friend the way they do for Mason and Caden. I want to see him squeal with excitement while opening the shiny remote control car he begged me for at Target. I want to see him and Mase covered in Nutella from their chocolate covered waffles on Christmas morning. I want so much.....
Mostly I just want to know him. I want to know what kind of little person he would be at age 4. I want to know if he would have the same smile as his brothers and eyes like his mom. I want to know if he would still have the same calm laid back personality he had in the womb- so much like his daddy. I want to know who my son would be today. And it is heart breaking that I never will. Not today not ever.
Mason's teacher lost her mother to brain cancer last week. They found out in May that she was sick and in October they gave her until December 9th to live. She passed away on December 10th. As I hugged her at the school yesterday I thought about the pain this 23 year old is experiencing. She kinda leaned into me and I felt her pain, oh my God, the pain. Her grief journey is very different from mine but I have great empathy for her as she starts her way down the horrific road of loss. I know 4 other people who have lost loved ones in the last 2 weeks. Heartbreaking. One of the things that I know I've gained from losing Aiden is even more compassion for the pain of others. Life is so damn hard and so damn unfair. I can't stop thinking about why it seems that so many awful things happen around this time of the year. Why do the holidays have to be this dark and unforgiving? I literally spend from Halloween to way after New Years in a painful funk but yet still trying to make the holidays enjoyable for my family. This grief journey is truly a life sentence. I am so very tired sometimes.
More than anything I miss my boy. I wish I could have him here.
This year for Aiden's birthday I made peach pie because peaches were his favorite food. I would eat like 15 a day while I was pregnant with him. I remember waking up in the middle of the night eating 2 peaches and going back to sleep. I spent many lunch breaks picking the perfect peaches from the store. Everyone liked the peach pie plan (and the pie of course) so I think this will be a birthday tradition for Aiden. We also released balloons for him and Mason was able to write his big brother a note from him and Caden. We grilled burgers and hot dogs and the kids spent the afternoon playing in the back yard. It wasn't what it should be but it was a good day for our family. I did spend some time with my sister sobbing on the couch for what we all have lost. And that was hard. But we mostly celebrated Aiden and that's how I wanted the day to be. It was what I needed.
Dear Aiden,
I miss you so much son. I celebrate you on your birthday and every day. I love you so very much and I hope you can always feel that. I don't know what you think when you look down on us but I hope you're proud of your family and I hope you know that we will keep your memory alive until we're gone from this world. You are an incredible part of our family.
I love you to the moon my sweet boy. Forever and ever.
Love,
Mama
I've been trying to do this post since his birthday. And here we are almost to Christmas and I'm just able to finish what I started writing on November 2nd. I'm just starting to feel a little more like myself again. Except now Christmas is next week and I want so much to be labeling gifts for Aiden to place under the tree with his brothers' gifts. I want to have more for his stocking than just notes from Nygel, my sister, my mom, and I. I wish he had so much more in that stocking- that cards were coming in for him from family and friend the way they do for Mason and Caden. I want to see him squeal with excitement while opening the shiny remote control car he begged me for at Target. I want to see him and Mase covered in Nutella from their chocolate covered waffles on Christmas morning. I want so much.....
Mostly I just want to know him. I want to know what kind of little person he would be at age 4. I want to know if he would have the same smile as his brothers and eyes like his mom. I want to know if he would still have the same calm laid back personality he had in the womb- so much like his daddy. I want to know who my son would be today. And it is heart breaking that I never will. Not today not ever.
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More than anything I miss my boy. I wish I could have him here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This year for Aiden's birthday I made peach pie because peaches were his favorite food. I would eat like 15 a day while I was pregnant with him. I remember waking up in the middle of the night eating 2 peaches and going back to sleep. I spent many lunch breaks picking the perfect peaches from the store. Everyone liked the peach pie plan (and the pie of course) so I think this will be a birthday tradition for Aiden. We also released balloons for him and Mason was able to write his big brother a note from him and Caden. We grilled burgers and hot dogs and the kids spent the afternoon playing in the back yard. It wasn't what it should be but it was a good day for our family. I did spend some time with my sister sobbing on the couch for what we all have lost. And that was hard. But we mostly celebrated Aiden and that's how I wanted the day to be. It was what I needed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Aiden,
I miss you so much son. I celebrate you on your birthday and every day. I love you so very much and I hope you can always feel that. I don't know what you think when you look down on us but I hope you're proud of your family and I hope you know that we will keep your memory alive until we're gone from this world. You are an incredible part of our family.
I love you to the moon my sweet boy. Forever and ever.
Love,
Mama
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