未完成的一切

This is the first time we take a flight and go for a vacation. Last time you brought me to Sg. I’m glad that we can make it this time.

I’m not sure whether there is a 3rd time.

I love you. But I don’t think I can stand anymore. Of cos I really hope we can be together, but from what I observed you won’t leave ur Gf. And rmb u said u tot of making decision after all your trips, which I keep thinking its soon the deadline. Seems like everything going to end. Maybe u haven’t decided but I really feel that I can’t take it.

But when I think that ok its almost the time, I feel so heavy hearted. My tears drop. I know it’s gonna be a hard time.

And I know u will be fine with ur girl.

I love you.

While you are playing with your new toy, DJ-ing all the music that I like, my mood is so down. 

“I’M SORRY. ALL YOU WANT IS JUST ME SAYING SORRY…”

that’s the way we communicate? Maybe you think it’s not a big deal saying sth like that, but for me, I feel so hurt. You make me keep thinking whether all I want is just a SORRY? or for you to understand what I think or feel than just a sorry?

I’m trying so hard to hold my tears now. When I said leave me alone, I really feel like leaving after you say those hurtful words. I think there is no point to stay if you really think I’m so unreasonable all this while. 

I think I shouldn’t talk, there is no point to talk as well. If I tell more, you will just think that all I want is just a word “sorry” from your mouth. So what’s the point to get a “SORRY” if it’s not sincere and you don’t mean it. 

Am i really that over-analyzing?
I know I analyze, I read their words, because words–> sentences that representing your thoughts

But does it mean that everytime when I say something, it’s totally just because i m being over analyze?

Sometimes I really confused.

When I’m confused, I will like giving up.

Anyhow between me n him , i already felt like giving up, not only just because of the argument.

We are not meant to be together.

Thanks

16/12

It’s so difficult to be strong. I have been trying so hard to make myself happy, but actually i know i m not happy.
I laughed, I laughed much louder and harder than the rest. I know I’m quite a successful actress.

Am i actually acting? Am i really that upset until the extent that I cant be happy from the bottom of my heart?
I start to confuse. iConfused. I tried my best to not letting my tears fall so easily. End up what did i get?

When people ask me “how are you recently?” i know what you wanna know. I will say “surviving” “i’m ok” but am I really ok?

You are not OK, honey. You are just used to the upset and the unhappiness which you can’t deal with it. And you just keep aside in your heart.

3 months, I have been surviving. I know he changed from Alyssa to Erica, even flew to Taiwan just to visit Erica. But I already expected, and I just faced this calmly. (used to the feeling?). and now he changed to a new girl, Joselyn Lee. From the moment he changed the status from single to married, aren’t you expected that to happen? Yes. I can even chatted with frens and said he is busy with new gf and even to please the girl. And he even updated status, saying that he wanna settle down. From these, i think he is quite serious bout her, probably? From the ‘he’ that i understand, he is quite serious as he willing to post it up in fb and letting Alyssa and Erica, the whole world know bout it. “indulgence moment” he posted, with her. and photos today. When i saw it, i feel so uncomfortable.

3 months, few girls have been into his life. Why are you keeping all the memories? all these are rubbish! Just delete it, jen. It doesn’t count. I know you have good memories together, but most of them are lies. It’s pointless to remember all these. Honestly, he shouldn’t have given me high hope. He shouldn’t have said he wanna marry me, and treated me too well.

Why am i so useless? Why am i still feeling upset with this? Can’t I just leave it? Why are you crying?

Move on pls! Move faster pls!! I really need a shoulder. I’m not a strong girl, even since i was born. I just want a shoulder and cry. 😦 i wish i can move on within a short period. I don’t want to have any, any kind of feeling on him. I dun wanna cry or be upset over the same person again n again. Pls help me to be strong. I can’t do it alone.

why did u break my heart? why did u tear my heart apart?
i cant find my lost pieces, i m gone. No one understands me, not even you.

Since i met u, i no longer afraid to watch sentimental movies, love stories. But now i go back to the origin, i dun watch love stories, sentimental movies, i do not want to cry.

But i still cry. I’m needy. Getting worse n worse. I wish there is a shoulder for me. I hold my tears, I mentioned your name to show that I’m alright. But am I? I’m not sure about it. I can’t justify. I just dun wan others to worry bout me. And i dun wan to listen all those theoretical staffs which I know years ago, it doesn’t help.

Pls god, help me~ I want to be free. Not confusion whether I’m ok, but I want to be ok~

Jen,

Please remember that date as below:
11/9/2011- the day that he was back. but also the date that you found out bout him & alyssa (bitch). they stayed together in uk

13/9/2011- the day that he let you go. he broke up with u

20/9/2011- the day that those taiwanese went back to taiwan. and he mailed Erica, asking her to start a relationship with him, while Erica actually has a bf in taiwan.

within that 2 weeks, Alyssa found out that Anthony actually got another girl, Erica. Somehow i feel yeah, thats ur karma, bitch! And bitch, pls dun come n interrupt my world again. Fuck off!!

After we broke up, I nvr texted him anymore. the first msg i sent to him was bout the shampoo that he helped me buy in uk. he gave some of them to his mum n sister.

2nd msg that i sent to him was on 1st oct 2011, wishing him good luck in his first job.

3rd msg was sent on 7th oct 3.30am. I was screwed by mum 99, and i felt nobody else know bout my background better than u do. So i decided to text you by just send a msg “are u asleep”. But u didnt reply at all, at all~~

eh? so in fact, i sent 3 msgs in a month. Fuck that. i shouldnt have done that. BUT…I LIVE WITH NO REGRET

I hope u rmb what u have learnt from this lesson.

1. Nvr merajuk for non sense. U think it’s just normal but it’s pressure for him if this happens again n again. Eg he always say call u back but he din. U make noise n purposely din want to text n reply. Ya. He din call u but he texted u. But u make noise why din he call instead. But have u tot if he din text u is even worse?

2. He tot he told u that he gonna be busy. So when u din text him at all, he tot it’s just bcos u be understanding. So he thinks is fine.

3. Be more understanding. He doesn’t talk to you much but he is like that. Is fine if he is in comfort zone.

4. Dun always try to make him change since u know he is playful…if u really love him n accept him.

5. Do not pressure him when he is in pressure. Other pressure like work n studies n family he must take it. So end up ur the only pressure that can let it go.

6. Do not always say things like “u r wasting my time.” “if u dun care just let me go. Dun waste my time”

Today I find out that both of us the same. We like to hurt each other, even we claim that we love each other. That day the argument was started bcos u always say that u call me later but u forgotten. Then I ignored u for few days. But u were the same to me. Even I asked how come u treat me like that, then u din call me as well. Then I getting angry n u still the same. Then thing goes worse n worse. Until the day u were in London, apparently that was ur fault to ask me wait but wait again. End up I fed up. And I said it.

Next day I tot bout our loves, our happinesS. We were alright when we both together. The moment when my family had war, i mailed u n u comfort me n made me happy. The moment I went uk n drunk in nott, u carried me home. The moment I leaving uk, n u told me u feel heavy hearted.

I thought of telling u that I find out why u not willing to talk to me. Maybe bcos I’m pushing too hard, the tone of mine wasn’t good enough. U trying to avoid things that u think is small, but I making it big. I’m always like that, n you always act like u r.

Unfortunately when I called u when u were in airport, I know u r leaving me, from the way u talk. If this is the karma that god gimme, I know what it is. I said it to you, n now U say it to me. I feel eth, like eth that was built now all gone. N all the effort we both put in, now we gonna say bye to each other.

U told me to wait that day when u having lunch in London. Ya. I regret that I din. And I bring things to here.

Dun say sorry. It’s not fully ur fault. I ll accept it if u wanna leave me, nth else I can do if u wanna leave. But lemme know ASAP, I scare I can’t tahan this way for too long, both my mental n physical.

Maybe in the future I dun have chance to say that again, I love you.