Apache Adoption Agency

William: "You'n not inbizzes to my berfthday party!" (The ultimate threat, effective June 15, 2009.)

Clara, on why she climbed onto the roof to get the badminton birdie: "Well, somebody had to do it."

Isaac, after Jacob angrily called him a girl: "Ooo, am I a pretty one?"

Jacob: "Mom, it would be okay if someone stole Clara. They'd just bring her back."

Isaac, after I leaned down to kiss him and thank him for something sweet he did for William: "Mom, I love you too, and your breath is especially rotten."

Clara, on why she wet: "Well, I was in the middle of something. I'm not going to stop just to go to the bathroom. Sheesh!"

William, with a scream, hands on head: "Ahh! You're all making me crazy!!"

James, new favorite word: "Uh-oh."

James, new word for Mommy: "Nah-nah."

William: camera's ready, say... "Chinese!"

Clara: "Mmm, I like this chicken skin, Dad. It tastes like human skin."

Isaac: "Mom, which would you rather eat: peanut butter off of a hobo's foot, or earwigs off Clara's teeth?

Jacob, introducing himself to a neighbor: "Hi, my name is Jacob Allen. That's my sister, Clara. She's distracting."

Me: "Wow, Jake. You can sing lower than me."
Jacob: "Yes, that's because I'm a man."

William: "Today I am a chameleon lissard. You can pet me if you want to, but I might bite you."

Isaac, upon hearing that dandelions are edible, promptly took a bowl, went out to the yard and began harvesting dandelion leaves. He came inside, smothered them with dressing, sat down with a fork and ate the whole bowl. "How was it, Isaac?"
"Gross."

Jake, upon finding Clara peacefully asleep in her bed after being sent to her room:
"I guess punishment just ain't what it used to be. 'Eh, Mom?"

Mom: "Whoa, Will. You stink!"
William, grinning: "That's because it was a raptor tootie."

Jacob confided one evening that Meara at school told him she had a crush on him. He didn't like it. He asked for advice from his family.

Mom: "Tell her your mom said she can't have a crush on you. You're not sixteen."

Clara: "Tell her she's a stinker!"

Michael: "Tell her that that's very nice of her but that it makes you feel uncomfortable, so to get a crush on someone else."

Isaac: "Tell her to take her crush and stomp on it and throw it in the trash!"

William fell down a few stairs with a crash yesterday and landed with his head in the toy basket.

As I cradled him in my lap, I said, “Oh Will, I’m so sorry you got hurt. Do you think you’ll survive?"

His little hand flew to his chest and he concentrated for a moment.
Then with a mournful look replied, “Nope. Sorry, Mommie. My heart is not beeping anymore.”

In the car today William says: "Momma, do you know what my thavorite fthing is? It's Thanily Hone Eveling."

Isaac: "That's not how you say it, Will. It's called Family Home Eveling!"

Clara: "Nu-uh, Isaac. That's not right. It's supposed to be called Family Hone Evening."

Jacob rubs his eyes and mutters to himself: "I'm completely surrounded by morons."

Isaac: "William, you're so weird!"

Me: "Isaac, be nice."

Isaac: "Mom, that was nice. It's good to be weird. Otherwise, you're just
a boring guy who sits around all day and spends money."

(As related by the babysitter...)

Clara, after staring for a long time, finally came out with it: "Are you an albino?"

Babysitter: "Nope."

Isaac: "Well, maybe you're half albino."

Babysitter: "I'm not an albino at all. See, my hair is black."

Jacob, practically: "That's not saying much. Anybody can dye their hair."

Babysitter: "I promise, you guys, I'm not an albino and I didn't dye my hair."

(Raised eyebrows and suspicious looks followed her the rest of the evening...)

Clara, to her cousin: "Sheesh, Laney, just because we're mean to you,
doesn't mean you have to be mean to us."

William and Auntie Kathryn:
AK, with a hug: "William, can you tell me how a lizard says 'I love you'?"
W: "No, but I can tell you how a snake says 'go away'."

(As related to me by the former Primary president, the Bishopric 1st counselor, the executive secretary, and a few others as they sat with the kids waiting for me to come out of a meeting with the Bishop)

PP: "William, what's your middle name?"
William: "I don't know."
PP: "Well, what does your mother call you when you're in trouble?"
William: "I don't know. Dumb. Sometimes Brat."

Disclaimer: This information, while quoted verbatim, is false. (Though I did commend Will for his attempts at getting me released from my current calling.)

Jacob, describing what happened when he fell into
Grandma's pond in his church clothes:
"Just before I jumped I saw the sparkling on the rock that was ice. Then all of the sudden panic just took me by the hair and I was cold. Then I realized: I had fallen into the water." Laughs.

William: "So, what do you think of my bottom?"
Auntie Miriam: "Well, I think it's pretty cute. What do you think of it?"
William: "Yeah, I guess it is cute. But mostly it's just good. It's a pretty good bottom. I guess I really like it.
I guess I really like it. And it's cute, too."

Clara (to Isaac, in an effort to retaliate for some slander):
"I'm so happy we have so many girls in our family."
Isaac: "We don't though."
Clara, with a smile: "Oh yes we do. There's grandma, and me, and mom,
and the baby in mom's stomach, and you!"

William, after a halting end to wrestling with his dad:
"Aww, sorry Dad! I just got you in the batteries!"

(The following is for documentation purposes.)
Isaac, with supreme enthusiasm: "Mom, thank you SO MUCH for forcing me to do my homework! (Proceeds with details of the reward they received if they had turned their work in on time...)

Anna: "Clara. If I find Seamus in the dryer one more time you're in big trouble. Capiche?"

Michael, as he sifted through his closet: "I'm getting rid of this shirt. I just can't wear it. It looks like I've got a onesie on!" (The charm in this comment is picturing a disgruntled Michael wearing a onesie.)

William, on finding out we missed the office complex Easter egg hunt:
"That is so not darn fair! I dinent even get one little tiny egg!"

What do you think of your baby sister?

Jacob: "I'm just so...words are failing me, Mom!"

What does your sister think about her?

Jacob: "She's just had the biggest smile all morning. I'm worried her face might split in two."

After dumping a bowl of table scraps from our chicken dinner into the coop, Jacob came running in and exclaimed: "It's horrible! They're eating their own kind like candy!"

Isaac: "Jacob. I'm sorry to say it, but you can't talk to me like that.
It doesn't make me feel like you love me."

William: "Clara, stop asking me over and over again for my candy. It's inappropriate!"

Isaac: "Mom, Audrey smells bad. She sort of smells like earwax."

William, at the dinner table: "Excuse me, guys. I feel a story about a lizard coming out..."

Jacob, with mounting alarm to his chicken: "Yuck, Snowball ... no, Snowball, don't peck at your poo ...
no Snowball! I beseech you!"

William, crying: "Mom, Isaac is so mean! He said I'm a giant blueberry!"

William: "Your baby is loud."
Auntie Liz: "Yep, she's pretty noisy."
Will: "No. She's not pretty."

Will: "Mom, I was dry last night. Does that mean I get three candies?"
Me: "Sure does."
Will: "Lizard was dry too, so he'll be needing three candies also."

Will: "James, you can't give Lizard a high-five. He's allergic to babies."

Me: "William, you're such a cute little bug!"
Will: "No I'm not. I'm a cute chameleon lizard. Jimmy's a bug 'cause he bugs me."

After a long week of ill health, I moaned to Michael that I was going to die.
Michael: "I'd resuscitate you but you haven't brushed your teeth in three days. Sorry."

In attempting to chide the kids for excessive joking at the dinner table about Winnie the Pooh and his cousin, Winnie the Peeh (spelling specified by Isaac to avoid getting in trouble),
Michael exclaimed: "Okay kids! Fun is fun until it stops being fun anymore!" (Bursts of laughter followed, Jacob claiming that he'd just won the Deep Thought of the Week award.)

Will: "Mom, what does 'scamper' mean?"
Me: "It means to run around quickly. Why?"
Will, crestfallen: "Oh, I was hoping it was some kind of lizard."

Will, announcing to the family at the dinner table: "I think you all should know that I'm the kind of William that's a lizard. A big chameleon lizard. With big eyes. And a long tongue. And I bite."

Discussion in the back seat:
Clara: "...Well, when I turn 18 I'm going to change my name anyway,
so I'm just deciding what I want it to be."
Isaac: "Why will you have to change your name?"
Clara: "Because that's what girls do when they turn 18. Mom's used to be Anna Mikkelsen.
Mine's going to be Sassafras. Sassy for short."
Me: "I wasn't 18 though. And what about Auntie Lizzie?
She was almost 24 when she changed her name."
Clara, conclusively: "Well, she just didn't know any better."

William, with gumption addressing the general public:
"Everybody! Just so you know, my room is completely off lemons!"

William, about a friend's baby boy: "I don't want him to play on my bed!
I hate small things that move on my bed!"

Jacob: "Mom, I'm going to save up my money to buy a Wii. I think I'll have each person in the family contribute to my fund for the privilege of playing it--with my permission, that is. You and Dad can cover Jimmy's and Audrey's contribution.

Clara, mid-discussion with her friend in the back seat: "I'm going to ask Santa for a pony. I'm sure he'll give me one. I was going to ask my folks, but I don't think they can afford one because whenever I ask my mom about it she always says that she wants one too, but we need to be patient."
Friend: "Where are you going to put it?"
Clara: "Oh, it's all planned. It's going in our garage. I'm moving out all the stuff.
Then I'm going to use the straw for the chicken coop on the floor.
It'll be warm too because our clothes dryer blows air into the garage."
Friend: "Where will you ride?"
Clara: "Oh, you know, all over the place."

Me: "William, what would you like to do this morning?"
Will: "I would like to have an adlizard."
Me: "A what?"
Will: "An adlizard. You know, Mom, it's like an adventure only with lizards."

Isaac, when asked how he likes school now that we've made some adjustments: "I love it. I'm an independent man now."

Willliam, referring to himself and James when Clara was served first for lunch: "What? But what about the men?"

Michael, to his cat: "Seamus, I remember when you were just a kitten. You've grown up to be quite the man cat."

William, very shaken up from being sent outside to retrieve James for lunch and not being able to find him (he was playing in the car): "Mom, I felt really sad about Jimmy getting lost because I knew that some day I would love him."

Clara, as she lovingly caressed his beard: "Hey Dad, what if you had whisker lice?"

James, after bonking his elbow: "Awwe! My skumip hurts!"

Teacher: "Jacob, do you know what a polygon is?"
Jacob: "Sure, it's a girl named Polly who is...um...gone!"

William, when Clara pulled out her front tooth:
"Let me see, Meg. Oh, you look so beautiful with your teeth like that!"

I especially liked Michael's fortune cookie from our Friday night date:
"Focus in on the color yellow tomorrow for good luck!"

Will, in a moment of self-pity: "Mom, guess what I am right now. I know you're probably thinking
'Oh, he looks just like a lizard,' but no. I don't. I look like an idiot."

Jacob: "Clara's new smile is so great, that huge space with the little drip of flesh in the middle."

To his Uncle Jay, who is half Mandan Indian (much to Isaac's fascination and delight)
during our mini-Mikkelsen reunion:

Isaac, when he found out Jay would be sleeping in tents with them:
"Whoa, do you think he'll let me see the inside of his? I've never been in a teepee before!"
(His disappointment was tangible when he saw the large Coleman on the outside.)

While showing Uncle Jay the large bull snake he caught, "I bet you're really good at catching snakes.
So, what do you do with them? Do you eat them and use their skins for things?"

When he saw Michael teaching Jay how to shoot his hunting bow:
"Um, Uncle Jay, shouldn't you already know how to do that?"

Clara: "Mom! I just saw my bus driver!"
Me: "How nice. Did you say hi?"
Clara: "Yes, but she didn't answer me."
Jacob: "Of course the bus driver wouldn't say hi.
It would ruin her reputation."

James: "Mom, I just ate a baby grape--like me!"

Shell station employee, after I thanked him for cleaning the windshield,
did a half bow and said: "You're very welcome, my lady."

Clara, as we walked home from a neighborhood party:
"My favorite cookies were the M&M ones, but I only ate half of mine.
Me: "Oh? Why is that?"
Clara: "Because a weird little kid carrying a naked doll came up and took it out of my hand and ate it!"

Michael, during a late-night drive home from Medford: "Is anyone alseep?"
Isaac: "Will's asleep back here, but I'll fix that as soon as I see a slug bug."

Clara, wistfully: "When I grow up I want to own a slug bug so that I can
watch kids slug each other any time I look out my window."

Isaac, crying at his bad luck for having to endure his mother's cleanliness check before school,
and him being found wanting: "Why should I be put through such agony?"

Will to Clara, observantly: "I sometimes look into your eyes and I don't think you're thinking anything."

Clara: "Mom, I would love to go to the moon! Did you know it said in a book I read that one step on the moon is a giant leap for man? I think like a frog. A giant frog.

James with exceeding concern, when water dripped on his head off Jacob's wet hands from behind,
"Oh! Mom! Our house is melting!!"

Clara, jamming ice cubes into her sandwich:
"I'm sorry, Mom, but you just made this grilled cheese sandwich way too hot!"

An email I received while abroad:

Jacob: Hey Mom and Dad! How you guys doing? I hope you're having a good time in England! It's been great here. We've been having a good time with the Aunts. We miss you, though. Well, anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEAH!!!!! Well see you later and I love you both!

Isaac: Hiyas, Mum! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! How is it in England? I've got a joke. What did the stoplight say to the car?...........Don't look. I'm changing. So just to sum it all up, Happy Birthday and have a good time in England. Oh yeah, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! From: Isaac

Clara: Hi Mom. I wish you'd come back soon. Tell Dad "hi" for me. By the way, Hi Dad. Come back soon, Mom. I wish you'd make the list 9:30 instead of 7:30 (for bedtime). I love you Mom and Dad. Happy Birthday, Mom. There are a couple of houses for sale in the neighborhood. Lily has this new electric scooter. I sometimes use it to walk Heidi around the park. Bye Mom and Dad. Love your daughter, Clara

William: Happy Birthday, Mom! I hope you get a safe drive home. I really miss you. Things have been going really good. Scarlett was being kind of bossy and so far everything has been good. And Dad, I love you too and miss you too. Love, William.

James: Hi. Happy Birthday, Mom. I have my Lego guy. I really like her, my mom and dad. I want to go with you at the store. I want to love her (speaking of you, Anna).

Clara, spotting me after William had finished doing my hair:
"Oh Mom! Look at you? Your hair looks so...exciting!

Jacob: "You know, I like these granola bars. You really could live on them,
they have everything: grains, fruits, fiber. All they're missing is the protein.
I guess you'd just have to eat a few bugs to get that."

James: "Mom, I turned out to be a good guy who doesn't steal."

James, on his birthday: "Mom, the birthday boy is done with dinner.
It isn't hungry and it isn't thirsty anymore."

Isaac: "If I had to get a tatoo I wouldn't get one of those dumb dragon ones.
Mine would say, I.A. loves Baby Cakes."

Isaac informatively to William while doing yard work: "Will, don't worry about these ants.
It doesn't really hurt when Oregon ants bite you, unless it's your tongue."
Me: "Your tongue?"
Isaac: "Yeah, I'd know--it happened to me once."
Me: "How did an ant come to bite your tongue?"
Isaac: "I was trying to eat it and it bit my tongue. I don't really blame it though."

Audrey, upon entering any room: "Here I is!"

William, reflectively, after family reading of Jacob 5: "Mom, I think I know why they died."
Me: "Why who died?"
W: "The trees in the vineyard."
Me: "Oh, why?"
W: "Because the master dunged them, and dung has germs in it."

James: "Gaahhh! Mom! Audrey kicked my lip with her shoe and now I have lipstick on!"
(Referring to the redness of his lip, which bothered him infinitely more than the kick.)

Clara, after a screech from Audrey next in the car next to her:
"Oh. Well. That might explain why my ears are ringing!"

Isaac, during breakfast: "Uhhh, Will! I can't eat when you're facing me with that dirty ear!"

Isaac: "Well, you can go Selko your auto loan, Will" (quoting a local radio ad).
William: "Do you even know what an auto loan is?"
Isaac: "No, but it sounds pretty insulting to me!"

Clara: "Mom, I'd like to buy something at the school book fair."
Isaac: "You really shouldn't, Clara. It's really expensive. I mean, they charge you five bucks for a poster!"
Clara, incredulous: "I don't want to pay five dollars for a dumb poster! I want to buy that big rubber band.
The poster comes with it for free!"

James, frantic: "What to the heck! I can't find my swimming soup!"

Clara, complaining: "Mom, Audrey kept me awake last night by singing Happy Birthday to me,
with impolite noises in between lines!"

Me, during morning inspections: "Will, how are your nails?"
William: "I clipped my fingernails yesterday."
Me: "How 'bout your toes?"
William: "Oh, I didn't even check. I don't use those very often."

James, when served last night's leftovers for breakfast: "Oh no! This is worse than love letters!"

Audrey: "What's a wasp?"
James: "Aurdrey. A wasp is a bee that don't have any fur."

James: "Aurdrey, I willn't take your stickers. I promise I willn't!"

William: "Mom, you know how you said this morning was beautiful and shining?
Well, my caterpillar isn't shining, but he sure is beautiful!"

James, on his birthday: "Well, the birthday boy is done with dinner. It isn't hungry and it's not thirsty anymore."

Michael: "Will, what do you think it means to be a man?"
William: "Well you have to be old. You have to be mature.
And you have to be able to use chop sticks and like spicy food."

Michael: "I haven't had a Yorkie (mint patty) in a year! Or at least a week and a half."

William: "Who is Albert Einstein? I've heard of her, but I have NO idea who she is!"

Audrey: "Oh Mom! What is that? (pointing to a scratch on my face) Did you get hit by a car?"

Isaac: "Mom, did you know that some lizards can smell better than a bloodhound?"
Me: "Nope. That's cool."
Isaac: "Yes. It is. Respect the lizard."

Audrey, as a giant white stretch limo drove past on prom night, "Whoa! That family has a lot of kids!"

James: "Mom, may I please have a big mac? [long pause] What is a big mac?"

Clara, as I walked out the door with curlers in my hair, "Are you going to pick up the boys like that?"
Me: "Yep."
Clara: "Oh, that'll be funny! A lady with a crooked nose, blush and
curlers in her hair driving down the road! Hilarious!"

Will, freshly potty-trained: "Mom, I need you to change my diaper."

Clara: "Mom, I need to go to the bathroom! ...Never mind."

Isaac: "Mom, is this how knife fighters do it?"

Jacob: "Mom!! Guess what Clara did..."