Pursuit of Happiness

I was talking with a friend this week, and I let a tear fall as I told her, "Sometimes, when I realize I am FOURTY, I meet that knowledge with sadness."  She asked me why.

I told her that I felt like I had invested a lot of time, effort, love, dreams, plans... and execution in my life, and when I looked around my peers, 40 for them, looks so different.  I feel panicked about that.  I feel stifled.  Mostly though, I feel embarassed, and like a failure.

Recently, I have considered selling my camera to make a car payment.  I have asked former husbands to loan me money.  I have fallen back into the pattern of only eating one time a day.

I worked really hard to never, ever do that.

I wanted more for myself as an adult.

I did no take the short cuts or cheat my way through.  I worked hard, I got back up **every** time I was knocked down, even if I was humiliated.

I am not bragging, I am trying to explain why being "here" hurts so much.

It hurts because I invested, and so far, that is just about all I have done- with little return on those investments.

My friend though, she said something that I have never heard anything close to.  It was so profound that I must write it here.





"When you start life, so far back from the START line, you have a LOT of catching up to do, so of course, you are behind where you should be.  When you dont have loving parents, or a family who is happy you are part of it, and your whole life is ducking and hiding, and reading people to figure out if it is ok to ask if you can eat, you start way behind the start line.  You will get there though, because you know what? You dont give up.  Even when you want to.  You feel something and you dont give up."

I am not sure if I will ever be "where" I want to be, but I have a little hope now that maybe I will be.  Will you help me? Will you cheer me on when I need it? Will you tell me if I have brought a smile to your face, even once? Or a feeling of love to your heart?  Will you sit with me, if I need to cry and offer me a hug? A safe place to land?
What I know for sure, is that I can not do this alone... but I also realize, I never have done it alone. The most amazing people are in my life, and that has been my reward for starting so far behind the start line.

I took a part time position teaching a night class, and on the first day, I was told about one of my students "she may have to put down her dog- who is a service animal.  If that happens, she may be sad."  That night, I met the very quiet, very cozy Sampson, who was carried around by his mom.  I knew from his response to my approach of him, that he was not well.

Sure enough, a few days later, my student called me- a follow up image showed his condition had not improved, and he had to be put asleep the next day.  I excused her from class, and could tell that she was going to have a very hard time.

One week later, I got to class, and my student was laying on the floor, crying.  She was in the throes of sadness.  She came into class.  We had a few videos to watch, and during the first, I hugged her and told her "it will really help you if you find another dog.  I went through this 5 years ago.  The only thing that helped my heart was getting a new dog."  That is true.  Luken and Mischa....

By the end of class, she was interactive, talking, and much, much better than when we started.

4 days later, my BFF, Tobhiyah told me she wanted me to help her get a new puppy in Ontario (Oregon).  We ended up doing a lot of things, but not having time for me to go with her to get a puppy.  She called me and told me that she drove up and picked up her puppy though- he was outside with his siblings, under a plywood shelter- in the very cold weather.  He is a short-haired chihuahua mix, and I could not stop thinking about how lucky this little puppy was, and how much my student would benefit from a puppy.






The next day, I had decided to try to entertain myself, and had a spent hours writing out Christmas cards.  I was to meet my friend Brittany for family pictures with her sons, and she was running late.  I told her to take her time, that I would stay warm in my car, and that was totally fine.  I was feeling overwhelmed with lots of feelings pertaining to hopes, dreams, holiday magic...

My phone rang.  It was my student.  She said she was a "mess" and needed me to tell her what she was responsible for for class.  Then she told me she would need to text, because she could not talk.

I asked her to listen to me.  I told her about the puppies, and that she needed to adopt one.  I told her they were in ontario, and that I would get her a phone number and photos if she was interested.  She said she was interested.

I called tobhiyah, and in a few minutes, I had a phone number and photos to send my student.  When I texted my student, she was already on the road to Oregon.  a few hours later, she messaged me that she had her puppy.  The next morning, she messaged again, the nightmares were better.

I have heard from her every day about the timing of this little puppy and how good/perfect/seamless she has fit into her life.  It is a true Christmas Miracle.

Boise is considered to have a semi-arid climate, with for quite distinguishable seasons. Boise experiences summer tempertures of 100 °F (38 °C) eight days in a typical year, and 90 °F (32 °C) on 51 days.  Yet because of the aridity, average temperature variations can exceed 30 °F (17 °C) in summer, making for perfect romantic summer nights.  To add to this, in the height of the summer, dusk does not arrive until nearly 10 PM. 

There is a movie night every Friday night during the summer at Settler's Park

Winters are moderately cold, with a December average of 30.7 °F (−0.7 °C), and lows falling to 0 °F (−18 °C) or below on an average of three nights per year. Snowfall averages 19 inches (48 cm), but typically falls in bouts of 3 inches (8 cm) or less.  While the kids will not be out of school, or even delayed often, just 30 minutes away, is great skiing at Bogus Basin Recreational Association, a non-profit organization.  Extremes have ranged from −28 °F (−33 °C) on January 16, 1888 to 111 °F (44 °C), as recently as July 19, 1960; temperatures have reached −25 °F (−32 °C) and 110 °F (43 °C) as recently as December 22, 1990 and June 28, 2015, respectivel

Snow covers the mountains outside Boise, with plenty of skiing at Bogus Basin

Both the spring and fall are mild. Autumn is brief; while the awakening from winter to spring is gradual.  It is a regular site to see people out, enjoying the milder weather during both the fall and the spring.

Boise, the City of Trees, puts on a spectacular show of beauty when fall arrives

The cherry blossoms are among the first blossoms of spring, as seen here, at the Eternal winds sculpture of Boise State

Precipitation is usually infrequent and light, especially so during the summer months. It averages approximately 11 inches annually, as compared to 37 inches, which is the average across the entire United States.  This necessitates the need to water your lawn and garden regularly, as only 88 days per year, on average yeild any measureable precipitation.  The good news is, that Boise has approximately 209 sunny days every year.  Another benefit of less precipitation is less humidity.  Our comfort index, which is based on humidity during the hot months, is a 68 out of 100, where higher is more comfortable. This is significantly better than the US average of 44.





Tornadoes are rare in Ada County and the Boise area. Since 1950, only twelve (12) tornadoes have been documented within the county, and four of those were during the same storm on August 3, 2000, which is also the most recent date a tornado was documented in the area. None of the tornadoes have been ranked higher than an "F1" on the Fujita scale, with and no injuries or fatalities ever documented.

 The climate is ideal for all sorts of gardening from spring through the summer.  Most vegetables thrive, with regular watering.  This includes tomoates, onions, carrots, broccoli, squash, kale, mint, chives, and of course potatoes.  It is not uncommon to see fruit trees, heavy with plums, peaches, nectarines, cherries, apples and pears at the end of the summer, as fruit trees of many varieties do extremely well in this climate.



As such, there are several gardening clubs, as well as food preservation cooperatives.  There is also a weekly Farmer's Market downtown Boise, which is extremely popular with the local residents.

The Boise Farmer's Market is a wonderful opportunity to find local products, including fresh fruits and vegetables

Thank you for the prompt, Ann Dee Ellis.

On my window sill sits a little menagerie.  It is a collection of small gifts I have received over the years.  There is an adorable teeny glass frog sitting on a teeny toilet.  His face is smily and his eyes, tiny, and adorable.  It made me laugh when I got it, it makes everyone who sees it for the first time laugh, and it makes me smile looking over at it now.  He was a gift from Toshi. Toshi is from Japan.  Land of all cute, small things.  Toshi and I worked in a frog lab together- determined to learn the secrets of the vertebrate embryo.  He was my best friend when he was in Charlottesville.  I miss him dearly.

Next, is a small elephant, carved from golden wood.  This elephant is precious it it's own right, but if you look inside the intricate carving, there is a tiny elephant.  A baby.  It is breathtakingly beautiful.  This elephant is from Pradeep.  in 2011, his wife was diagnosed with leukemia, and he was teaching a full load.  I took all of his labs and taught for him for the entire semester.  I watched his wife's caring bridge page every day, and after becoming extremely sick from the bone marrow transplant she needed in order to live, she slowly improved.  She is now working full time at the same university that Pradeep and I worked.  Pradeep and Pranav too a trip to India and brought back for me, a carved momma elephant.  It was a perfect gift.

I also have a glass clear and green elephant.  Valerie bough him for me on her first field trip without me- which was in 6th grade.  She went to Williamsburg, armed with a special packed lunch and money for a souvenier.  She brought back 2- the frog, and a tree necklace- both for me.  This girl and I love each other.  I miss her so much...

I have also, an orange, white and black glass frog reaching out in movement.  He is from Nichole Brady.  She was seen as "a problem" in primary.  The teacher before me asked to be released from teaching her class because of Nichole and a little boy.  I loved that class so much.  Nicole loved me.  When her class went to the Chezch republic in 2006, she brought back this teeny glass frog for me.  It reminds me how I won her over every time I look at it- she asked if she could read her scripture in her "evil" voice.  I looked over it, and it was about Satan, so I said sure.  From then on, the girl loved me.  It was mutual.

I also have a framed photo of Alexis, McKenzie, Brooke, Christopher and I after my talk in Silver Spring.  That was an amazing talk, and I was surrounded my some of my biggest student fans.  They came all the way with me for the trip, we had a wonderful triumphant dinner, and 4 weeks later, I told them I was moving to Idaho.  They printed our photo and gave it to me as a going away present.  I love those kids.  So much.

Finally, I have a Willow Tree mom and daughter, and Mom and Son.  They are precious to me.  This little menagerie is of gifts given to me that mean the world to me.  IT is my precious place.

Oh boy... this one talks about doing or saying something unexpected.  I remember the day very clearly...  (thank you Ann Dee Ellis, for the prompt).

Thanksgiving, 1994.

My grandfather and I, just a few months before, had driven to Missouri to get my mom, and 3 youngest brothers and help them move back to Virginia, to live with us.  My mom had finally gotten out of a very abusive relationship, and I desperately wanted my little brothers closer to me.  I had spend a lot of my adolescent years truly scared for them.

Anyway.  Thanksgiving.


I do not remember a ton about the day, but I remember what happened when it was dessert time.  My grandmother was bitchy to all of us, except uncle Ron 100% of the time, every day.  After dinner was cleared, it was time for pie.  Grandma said something like " I made 2.  Pumpkin and Mincemeat"

Michael was 6 years old "I want pumpkin!"

Grandma "Well GOOD! I didn't want you to have any of the mincemeat ANYWAY"

silence.  No one said anything.

grandma had put Joshua an Michael at a kids table next to the bigger table... although, truth be told, there was no need for that.  There was plenty of room at the bigger table... that is, after all, where we had dinner every night.  I digress.

Well, after very awkward silence and a couple minutes grandma barked again, "Why the heck are you CRYING!?!" to my little brother.

silence. again. except I just couldn't anymore.

"WELL IF YOU WERENT SO RUDE TO HIM, HE WOULD NOT BE CRYING!"

There was probably more silence as we got/ate our pie, but what I remember is after the pie.  I took Michael into my room and put in his favorite tape and we sang... but one by one, everyone in the family ended up in my room to give Michael hugs, and tell me thank you.

That was an adventure I was terrified about while I was talking back to grandma, but I was also so proud for finally saying something.

When we talk about it now, Michael and I still remember that day.

The 8 minute memoir from Ann Dee Ellis seems a bit random, but...

I grew up split about 1/2 and 1/2 between various towns in Kansas and Missouri.  Most of my Kansas time was in and around Russell, Kansas, where I was also born.  That small town is also right off of interstate 70, so... I saw a lot of billboards growing up.  Honestly, they were the most interesting thing to see often, when we were on long trips... but now, long is a relative term.  30 miles to Hays was long, now, that is less than my commute to work...

I remember seeing signs for STUCKEYS, which advertised all sorts of delicious treats. I remember always secretly hoping we would stop there when I was little.  We did, and it was just a boring convenience store.

I also remember seeing signs for Waffle House... visions of fluffy, delicious waffles made my mouth water.  The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams... when we finally DID stop at a Waffle House, I was with my grandfather, after having driven to Missouri, to deliver my brother, David, to my mother's house in Cassville.  We were on our way back to Virginia, when we stopped at Waffle House.  It was a very sad let down...



HA! But back then I was like O.O 'yessss'


I also remember seeing all sorts of signs for South of the Border while driving from Virginia into the coastal areas of North or South Carolina.  They have the BEST signs... but just like Stuckey's and Waffle House, South of the Border, is in fact, quite a let down.




So... now that I have spent some time thinking about it, in my experience, billboards over-promise and under deliver.

Thank you for the blog prompts Ann Dee Ellis.

This is the thing I regret most, in my life so far.  I do not remember much at all, about Valerie until she was 7.

I have a pop of memory here and there, a vague echo in my brain with her little voice asking for me to design "act-tick-ities" for her... I remember her naming my best friend"Tiffy," I remember she spit up a lot, and had chronic ear "confections" (and a fear of the dr), and I remember her giving me a "new kind of kiss!" LOL!!!  I took a ton of photos, which play in my mind like a slide show, but they are not actual memories. They are evidence that I was there, but even now, I feel so detached from my life- all of it- not just as her mom... from 20-28.  I was way too freaking busy.


I remember flashes of pregnancy- I only let pictures be taken of me pregnant... at 20... one time- my baby shower and really, if I was assertive, I would have had no pictures taken of me then either.  I was terrified.  How was I going to take care of this baby and go to school, and make money?

I wish I remembered her better.  It is like looking through my mind in slow-motion.  Like viewing life with open eyes, but while peering up from the bottom of a pool.  Muffled sound, shimmers of memory.

Several years ago, Valerie found a box of video tapes I had made when she was super little.  I remember feeling very relieved when she played them.  There I was patty-caking with her.  There I was kissing and hugging and giggling with her... but all the while I had THREE (one full time) jobs, 18-23 credits per semester, and then graduate school at the same time I was mom.  I am so glad I kept up with my education, but dammit, I wish I had not been so busy when she was little.  She was my strength, because she deserved the best, and in my mind, that could only come from the kind of paces I put myself through... was I right? Probably not, but I did my best with what I had.  I realized though, by the time she was 2, that I had to wait until I was finished with graduate school to have another child.  THAT, I was right about, because I remember Asher.