The Journey of Life

 Sweet 16 today! In just a few days you will go to take your road test and (hopefully) get your driver's license and then before I know it you will be driving away. It doesn't seem possible, yet here we are. I've spent some time over the last year riding in the passenger seat while you learn to drive. I won't lie. It's been a nerve-wracking experience. There have been times I felt certain the car was going right off the road as you went around a curve. Times I felt certain you would not stop in time at the red light. My palms have been sweaty. My foot has stomped the imaginary brake over and over. My knuckles have been white as I've gripped the door handle. I've never been a very nervous passenger, but when your child is driving the car, it's a little different. I mean look at that face up there- how can he be in control of an entire automobile all by himself? He's still supposed to be in the back strapped in the booster seat.  What a metaphor for these wild teenage years. 

It feels like in a blink of an eye I've gone from buckling you in your car seat- completely in control- to buckling my seat belt while you take the driver's seat- completely out of control. That is a very hard part of parenting. You grow an entire human being inside your body from a tiny cell, and from the moment they are born every breath, every step pulls them further and further from your grasp and from your protection. It happens so gradually that you barely even notice that it is changing and then all of a sudden you blink and realize that everything is different. The truth, of course, is that they were never truly within your grasp or your protection, but parents try to convince themselves that we are in control. While they are tucked inside your womb kicking and turning- yours alone- you convince yourself that they are safe and then they are born and although you are so happy to see their little face and kiss the little feet that have been kicking you, a part of you grieves that protection that is lost now that they are here in the big scary world. As you hold that baby in your arms and carry them everywhere they go, you convince yourself that they are safe in your arms and then they take their first steps and you are so happy and excited and proud, but a part of you grieves those first bumps on their little bottoms and heads as they try and fall and try again. And so it goes... first time to school, first bike ride, first overnight stay, first camp... every first is a step away and a little more realization that that illusion of control that we thought we had as parents is slipping away. Boy, have I had some hard lessons about that this year- and many of them had nothing to do with driving. I'm sure as we look back at this time, you and I both will remember that this has been a very tough and rocky year. You and I both have had to learn that there are many things beyond my control. 

But as I prepare to watch you drive away that first time in a car all by yourself, I know who is in control. I remember so well how I felt on my 16th birthday. I felt free, full of hope, the whole world open before me on an open road. I want that for you, too, but your world is different than mine. You have been faced with things that I would have never wished for you. That I would have never chosen for you if I were in control.  As I watch you struggle with things much much harder than a 16 year old should ever have to face, I have had to accept I am not in control. But I know who is in control. I know who holds your future. It is the same One who formed you in my womb and knew every hair on your head before you were ever created. And I know He has a plan for you. I trust that He has a perfect plan for you and that although we may not know or understand that all things will work together for His glory. So, whether driving or navigating life, I pray that you will seek His will and guidance and follow His path. I pray He will protect you and keep you. I pray He will make his face to always shine upon you. I pray He will calm my nerves and help me to remember who is in control. 

Take your place in the driver's seat, son. The open road lies before you. There will be twists and turns and roadblocks and traffic jams and wrong turns and maybe even some U turns here and there, but it will be an amazing journey- this I am sure! Be free, but be safe. And let Jesus take the wheel!!!

I love you so very much, Evan. Happy sweet 16th birthday! 

Love, 

Your very anxious mom

 Today you are one whole hand old! Five years old! What a great year you've had! You loved pre-K and grew so much up until schools were closed for Corona virus. We were so lucky to get our fabulous Disney trip in right before things went crazy. You had such a wonderful time and it was so magical! I will forever be thankful we were able to take that trip as it now looks like it may be quite a while before we are able to go back and I know how quickly the magic changes as you grow. You met all your favorite princesses and were able to be transformed into a princess yourself at the Bippity Boppity Boutique. After a year of pretending to be a lion, you were able to become a lion at Animal Kingdom! 

This trip, full of magic and imagination, describes you to a T right now. These are magical days for you. Everyday full of pretend and excitement and joy. I love being able to be a part of these magical days. Dress-up and silliness and turning everyday objects into boats, cars, rocket ships. The one good thing about our COVID-19 shutting everything down has been being home with you every day. 

As the days turned warmer and warmer, you dove right into learning to swim this year. It only took a little while and then you were swimming around everywhere. So, of course, now you are convinced you are a mermaid. We were so fortunate to get to socially distant at a beach this summer. We had a wonderful, relaxing vacation and you were able to play with a few little friends each day. You became the social butterfly at the condos and everywhere you went, we heard... "It's Caroline!". You and your friends played mermaids in the pool each day. 

This year you were so excited to plan your birthday and have your friends come over! We had to keep it kind of small due to social distancing guidelines, but you had so much fun! 

Now you are on to more adventures... kindergarten and you are beginning ballet this year. I can't wait to see all of the things you learn and how you grow this year. In the words of the great Dr. Suess (Oh the Places You'll Go):

You're off to great places! Today is your day! 

Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way!

It is such a joy to be your mommy each and every day. You make me so happy!

Happy birthday, punkin!

Love, 

Mommy

 Dear Chloe,

Today you are 12 years old and you will be entering into 7th grade. You are an excellent student- you make our lives easy as far as academics go. You are responsible and conscientious and always make all A's. I'm so proud of you for working hard in school and excelling. Even with virtual education from March until the end of the year, you did great and was always on top of what you needed to do. 

In your usual fashion, you are exploring some new activities this year. You decided you would like to swim again this summer, and you are competing on the brand new Lenoir City Betta Swim team. You are competing with a few familiar faces from the Tellico Village team, but also making new friends as well. You are swimming with the 11-12 year olds, which means 50 yard swims in every category, but you are doing great! You hate the butterfly stroke, but they like to see you compete in it and you have even won some ribbons!

You also decided you would like to give competitive gymnastics a try this year. You will be competing with the Tennessee Elite Gymnastics Excel Team in the Silver category. Although, Excel is a little less intense than a junior olympic track of competition, you are still practicing 6 hours a week in the gym. After just one year of classes in "real" gymnastics- with bars, beam, vault, floor, etc- they invited you to join the team. Sometimes you worry that you are not good enough or not making progress quickly enough, but you have mastered all of your silver level skills and are just refining and perfecting. I watch you get stronger and stronger every day and I am amazed by you!

You are also back in Horse Camp this year and want to continue riding lessons as soon as we can. So, you have been a very busy girl this summer- some days you have practiced swim from 7:00-9:00, gone straight to a full day of horse camp, and then practiced gymnastics from 4-7. I don't know how you do it! But, we feel fortunate that you are able to do these since we have been without any extracurricular activities since March. Everything is just starting to pick back up and of course it looks very different. But it is a relief after having to miss so much in the spring. 

We are still in the middle of a global pandemic and although we are no longer quarantined to our houses except for necessities, we are limited to the number of people who can gather and required to wear masks in public in most places. This means everything looks different- swim meets, gymnastics practice, horse camp, shopping, birthday parties... everything. But, at least we are slowly getting back to being able to do the things we love and see some friends and family. 

I won't lie- the pandemic is tough. Lots of time indoors. Not much time with friends. Way too much social media- but it's the only way to stay in touch with friends. You have founds some new ways to occupy your time and socialize. You have embraced some friends in the neighborhood and you guys have formed a little bit of a "bike gang". You even created a random clubhouse with chairs and twinkle lights in the middle of a random neighbor's HUGE fir tree (I really hope that neighbor doesn't mind). I enjoy seeing you active and out of the house with friends. It reminds me a little of my own childhood and makes me a little nostalgic. 

But, there are many things you face right now that are very different from my childhood. Social media is one thing. Social issues are another. More and more tweens/teens are dealing with or hearing about very complex issues right now and we have very complex issues in our world right now- race issues in our country, protests, the pandemic, and many other issues of identity that our tweens/teens are facing way too early. Many teens/tweens are struggling with mental health and you and your friends are not different. I'll be honest, this is soooo scary for me as a mom and I worry so much about you. I know you are trying to figure out who you are. I see you "try on" different images... different clothes, different friends, etc. This is no different than it has ever been for teens/tweens- I used to try out different looks, handwriting, even nicknames and names! But, today, there are so many really serious identities to try out and I worry as I see you wrestling with some of these ideas- some that I honestly don't think you are ready to wrestle with. 

One thing that has always stood out about you is your self-confidence. You have always believed you could do anything, and when you put your mind to it, you pretty much did. There are so many times I have stood in amazement because you seem completely fearless, when I'm often afraid. I've never seen you back down from a challenge or fail when you wanted to achieve something. You have also always been confident in just being Chloe. You don't have to follow the crowd. You are ok to go it alone, yet you are also able to get along with and work with a variety of people from all different "crowds". I still see this in you, but I also see it somewhat wavering. I see the doubt and the fear creeping in. I see you worry more about what people think. I see you worry more about if you are good enough, pretty enough, nice enough.... just enough. 

I want you to know that you are always enough. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and you are EXACTLY who God intended you to be. He has instilled in you unique gifts and talents that are yours alone and He desires you to use them for His glory. No matter what anyone else ever tells you, no matter what it seems the world may say in the media, no matter if people like you or don't like you (because there will always be those that don't), I hope that you always remember that you are a princess. I know, I know... right now the last thing you want to be is a princess (the girly, girl image is out right now). But, like it or not, sister, you are because you are a daughter of a King and He will never leave you or forsake you. Even your dad and I will disappoint and hurt you. Sometimes it may feel like we do that a lot right now and you may not understand us at all, and sometimes you probably don't even like us or respect who we are or what we believe. That's ok. In fact, it's normal and it will probably get worse as you are firmly and pre-teen right now and on the cusp of what will no doubt be some tumultuous years for us. The truth is, we don't know it all either. Sometimes we are right and sometimes we may be wrong. We try to guide you the best we know how and we try to keep you from making mistakes that we made, but in the end you will figure these things out for yourself. It is not our opinion of you or your beliefs that matter. It is not your friend's. Your worth is found in the fact that God was willing to send his son to die to save you. He created you and gave you unique gifts. And He finds you worthy and beautiful. So, no matter what else you may feel, always be confident that you are enough because of Him. Hold firm in that promise and the weight of the world's opinions will begin to slide off your back. I just heard this song and it is perfect for how I feel. 

"Hey there beautiful one, you there shining with glory

Would you let your heart hear, if I sang about you

Did you know that every fairy tale you loved they have borrowed your story

Of a maiden so lovely, and a hero so true

It's just that this world is hollow

And it wants to swallow

Any memory of who you really are

Always remember to never forget

When you look in the mirror, the answer is yes

Yes you are pure as gold, yes you are beautiful

So always remember to never forget

Always remember to never forget

Like a treasure in the deep, your heart is a diamond

And your hero will do what it takes to find it

So he can hold it tenderly, and become your defender

Even lay down his life, just to make your heart his

It's just that this world is hollow

And it wants to swallow

Any memory of who you really are

Always remember to never forget

When you look in the mirror, the answer is yes

Yes you are pure as gold, yes you are beautiful

So always remember to never forget

Always remember to never forget"

-Christy Nockels

Happy birthday to my beautiful Chloe. I love you more than you can ever know!

Love, 

Mom

 Here is a confession. The date on this post is going to say May 24, 2020 because I like to keep things nice and tidy, but the truth is that I am writing this on November 13, 2020. Partly because I've been busy, but mostly because I honestly haven't known what to say. Also because I am so far behind on updating, your 14 year old letter was one of the last posts. As I read through that letter to you... so full of hope and excitement for your upcoming journey into high school... a little trepidation, sure... but positive you were beginning the best years of your life, and when I reflect back on the last year I feel, honestly so sad. 

The last year has taken the breath out of all of us. I'm certainly not going to hash it all out here in this letter that I want you to cherish for the rest of your life. But, you will remember what I mean when I say the last year has been rough. On you. On me. On your dad. On your sisters. On our family. Rough. And it is not because of the pandemic- although that has not helped. You have been treading through some dark waters. Some of them your choices, some of them beyond your control. We have tried to tread beside you. Honestly, I've tried to wrap my arm around your neck and haul you to shore... but in all honesty, I think it has just caused us both to slip further into the water. So, today, I saw this devotional. And finally, I felt like I knew what to say....

"I would have pulled Joseph out. Out of that pit. Out of that prison. Out of that pain. I would have cheated nations out of the one God would use to deliver them from famine.

I would have pulled David out. Out of Saul's spear-throwing presence. Out of the caves he hid away in. Out of the pain of rejection. I would have cheated Israel out of a God-fearing king.

I would have pulled Esther out. Out of being snatched from her only family. Out of being placed in a position she never asked for. Out of the path of a vicious, power-hungry foe. I would have cheated a people out of the woman God would use to save their very lives.

I would have pulled Jesus off. Off of the cross. Off of the road that led to suffering and pain. Off of the path that would mean nakedness and beatings, nails and thorns. I would have cheated the entire world out of a Savior. Out of salvation. Out of an eternity filled with no more suffering and no more pain. 

And oh friend (my son). I want to pull you out. I want to change your path. I want to stop your pain. But right now I know I would be wrong. I would be out of line. I would be cheating you and cheating the world out of so much good. Because God knows. He knows the good this pain will produce. He knows the beauty this hardship will grow. He's watching over you and keeping you even in the midst of this. He's promising you that you can trust Him. Even when it feels like more than you can bear.

So instead of trying to pull you out, I'm lifting you up. I'm kneeling before the Father and I'm asking Him to give you strength. To give you hope. I'm asking Him to protect you and to move you when the time is right. I'm asking Him to help you stay prayerful and discerning. I'm asking Him how I can best love you, and be a help to you. I'm believing He's going to use your life in powerful and beautiful ways. Ways that will leave your heart grateful and humbly thankful for this road you've been on."

-Kimberly Henderson Proverbs 31 Ministries

Evan, it is still honestly hard to find words to talk about this last year. I've been so afraid, so sad, so worried. And I know that what you have been going through has likely been just as bad if not worse. I have wanted to pull you out, so much. I have tried to pull you out in all the ways I think it should happen. I have reasoned. I have punished. I have yelled. I have cried. I have begged. I have threatened. I have agonized over what to do, how to parent. I have felt so alone. I have felt like such a failure. I have been embarrassed, ashamed. I have felt like I was watching you slip away. Watching a beautiful, promising future slip away. And everything I did, every decision I made, every word I said, sometimes even the breath I breathed seemed to be wrong and to make it worse. So very worse. This devotional hit home so hard because... honestly... now I understand what I've been doing wrong. I can't pull you out. I am going to have to lift you up. Don't get me wrong, I've prayed.. oh how I've prayed this past year... but I don't think I've been praying in the right way.

We've had a good week this week. You seem to be edging toward the light. Beginning to swim all on your own. I am going to stop trying to drag you and instead I'm going to swim beside you. When you need it, I'll give a helping hand... if you ask for it. I'll make sure you have a life vest... if you'll take it. But, I understand now that this is your journey and something you have to figure out on your own. It may not happen the way I want it to. It may not have the outcome I want it to. I will accept that. 

And I will pray that God will give you strength, give you hope. I'm asking Him to protect you, begging him to protect you. I'm asking Him to move you when the time is right. I'm asking Him to help you stay close to Him... not to drift too far away. To stay discerning. And most of all, I'm praying for Him to show me how best to love you and to be a help to you. And I pray that someday we will both look back on this time and see the beauty in the ashes. 

I do trust Him. I trust in His word and in His promise. The promise I quoted for you last year... my favorite verse... is still true now. I know He will give you hope and a future. I love you so much, Evan. I hope someday you will understand how very much I love you and how scary that love can be sometimes as a parent. How fierce and and how all-consuming and how absolutely terrifying. 

That love causes a parent to feel the most unignorable desire to pull you out. Pull you out of the crib when you cry for us. Pull you into our arms when you are hurt. Pull you away from danger. Pull you out of a painful situation. Pull you away from failure and heartbreak. We hold tight to your hand so that we can pull you at a moment's notice when you are little. When you start to let go of our hand, we hold tight in other ways.... until the day when you are beyond our grasp. We can no longer pull and the truth is, we probably should have not been pulling all those times... so please forgive me. Forgive me for hurtful words that may have been said, for trying to help but only making it worse.  Forgive me for all the mistakes I have made and please believe me when I say they have been made out of love. No more pulling... only lifting from here on out. I promise you I will do my best to only lift and to be there for you, to go through it with you because I understand that may still be hard times to come. 

I love you, Evan. Happy birthday, buddy!

Love, 

Mom

Jeremiah 29:11 “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

Happy 4th birthday, sweet girl! You are so smart and funny and beautiful. You amaze me every day with the words you learn and use and the funny things you say. You love to play with your toys and make up little stories with them and I love to hear your sweet little voice.

This year was your first birthday party with your friends there and you had such a wonderful time. You are a sweet friend and I'm so glad you have been able to make friends in your preschool class this year.

You seem to grow and change before my very eyes! It is exciting to see you learn and grow and do so many new things, but I also want to cherish you as you are right now. Your sweet little hands, your arms around my neck.. your sweet little voice. You tell me "I love you" all the time and I love it so very much. You love to snuggle with me at night in my bed. You give the best hugs and kisses. And you are so happy and grateful for everything.

I love to see the world through your eyes. Next year, you are coming to Mommy's school for pre-K. I honestly can't wait. I can't wait to be with you every day to see you learn and grow and make friends and to share it all with you.

Happy birthday, sweet Caroline! I love you so very much! Thank you for letting me see the world through your beautiful eyes!

Love,

Mommy

3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:3

Today you are eleven years old. This has been a great year for you! You sailed right into middle school without a care in the world. You have done so well in school and you have developed some new interests. You decided to play basketball this year, and you grew so much. It was so fun watching you and your brother play under the same number this year.

You also decided to join drama club this year and you were amazing! It was a small number of you performing "The Wright Sisters", but you were so calm and cool... even in front of the entire school! You also joined the band this year and you have done well learning to read music and play the clarinet. You seem to like music and have also been teaching yourself the ukelele.

You and your friends are so smart and funny and witty! I love to listen to you guys together. You love writing stories and poetry, and creating movies together.

Middle school can be a tough time and I hope it is not for you. Right now, you are full of confidence and I love that about you! You work hard and try hard at all that you do and you don't much care what anyone else thinks or says. I hope you keep that confidence in yourself. Because you are right... you can do anything you put your mind to and work for... always believe that and I promise I will believe it for you, too.

I love you so much Chloe. You make me so very proud to be your mom.

Happy birthday, Bug!

Love,
Mom

“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.” - Ecclesiastes 9:10 (NIV)

How is it possible that you are finished with middle school and headed off to high school? More than ever, as I watch all of your middle school "lasts", I feel as if time is slipping through my fingers so quickly and no matter how much I try to hold onto it, I can't. What will the next 4 years bring?

I expect it will bring lots of new "firsts" for you and for us. I know your dad and I will have to learn to navigate parenting an increasingly independent young man. Balancing between letting you go, letting you decide, letting you act and holding on, holding back, advising. It's a tough place to be as a parent- especially for the first time.

Four years. Four years is what we have left with everything just the way it is right now. Four years with all the birds in the nest. Four years to get you ready to fly. Four years for us to get ready to fly. When I think of that, it terrifies me, to be completely honest.

Before you went to kindergarten, I remember this feeling of panic... that you weren't ready. The time had been too short. I had not done enough, taught you enough. I was not ready. I have to admit I feel a little bit like that right now, too. It feels like the beginning of an end, but I'm trying my best not to think of it that way.

Four years. There is a lot of life and love to happen in four years. Four years ago you were turning 10. Still a boy, but beginning to transition into "tween". I can still see that big smile that you still threw away so easily back then. The boy voice from that 10 year old has gone.. it seemed to change overnight. The thin arms and legs are becoming muscular. The soft boy face and jaw replaced by something... harder, firmer, more decisive. Yes, four years goes by quickly, too quickly even... but I'm so grateful for four years. We have a lot to do, a lot to learn in four years and I can't wait for it.

It has been so fun watching you and your friends over the last few weeks of middle school. I'm so glad you have wonderful friends. You are getting ready to enter four of the best years of your life. I know it will not always feel that way, but these next four years are going to be full of fun and amazing memories for you and your friends. I pray that these friendships will continue to strengthen and that you will make friends that will last your whole life.

It is hard for me to even close my eyes and imagine what the next four years will bring... fun, memories, school spirit, driving, dating.... learning, growing, changing. Yes, we both have a lot to do in the next four years. We both have a lot of getting ready to do. But I know we are up to the challenge. I pray that as we learn and grow and change, we do so together and not apart.

Just as I watched you take your first steps away from me... your first steps into school... this fall I will watch you take your first steps toward something else. Something all your own and less of me. Yes, I worry... are we ready? But ready or not, here we go!

Deep down, I know you are. I know you will do amazing things and just as it has been for your entire life, it will be my privilege to watch you learn and grow. I love you so much, Evan. Happy birthday, buddy!

Love,
Mom

Jeremiah 29:11 “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”