Anachronistic Dreamer

Untitled, 2024

Just like a broken record… It’s been a long time… yet again.

I have multiple life updates at the back of my head but I don’t quite know how to begin this entry.

And yet some things don’t change. Writing at goddamned unfriendly hours for one. But oddly inspired.

My creativity is a stuck cog in the wheel as I’ve been trapped in the cage of technical writing for quite some time now which is why I’m having trouble getting the words out.

I want to force the words out but my mind feels dead. And wasted. Because it’s goddamned 1AM.

But I can’t sleep. So I got up to study but I found myself here instead. Yes I’m back at school. Back at work. THAT work. Long story, some other time.

I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift as TTPD just came out a few days ago. Very much inspired. It regurgitated my desire to write from the deep bowels of… whatever it is. I’m turning 36 in a few weeks and I’m still questioning life choices. It doesn’t really end does it? The questioning…

It’s just white noise.

[DREAM JOURNAL] 4

January 7, 2023

Buzzing. I think it came from the lights. Do lights buzz? I find myself in front of my dresser. I look into the mirror but I don’t see my reflection. I also don’t see my (kikay) stuff on top of the table. I am annoyed. I call out to my Mother. Silence. I call out again. Odd. I don’t hear my voice. I notice the lights. Why are they on? I know I turned them off before I went to sleep. Sleep. I’m sleeping? Yes, I’m asleep. This is a dream.

I saw myself flickering white like a flame fading in and out of consciousness. I was getting pulled towards the bed, my body folding into a sleeping position. It was dark. I tried to speak. I heard myself groan. I tried to move. I sat up. I shouted but there was no…

Like a flock of birds, a barrage of black numbers and triangles attacks my vision pushing me supine onto the bed. I’m still asleep? Wake up, myself! I cry out breathy grunts, each one more forceful after the other. I will my left arm to move. Move muscles, move! I cry out louder and louder still, and then…

I awoke. 4:40 am.

xxx

P.S. Nothing like a f*cked up dream to force me out of writing hibernation. I blame the “Better Call Saul” finale!

Throwback Travel Log: TaiWandered – Part 1

Taiwan. This trip dates way back March 2018. Cherry blossom season was about to end. We were supposed to visit again last year, already bought tickets and all, to introduce some youngins to the joys of traveling. But pandemic happened so goodbye plans!

We took advantage of the visa-free trial period for Pinoys to visit the land of bubble tea and Meteor Garden. This may be one of the most INSANE itineraries we ever did. And also one of the most interesting given that among other things, we got lost, went Amazing Race mode, and were even stranded in the middle of nowhere.

[In Quarantine] A Life Update

I left my job by the end of last year. I figured, I should post about this for closure given my previous In Quarantine posts about being on leave. Initially, I was hush hush about it on my socials because I wasn’t comfortable talking about it to… people. Well, the common reaction I got was shock. Like, why would you ever leave a permanent high-level position? In government? In the middle of a pandemic? It’s unthinkable!

For one thing, it wasn’t sudden. It was actually something I’ve decided upon the end of my 20s (almost) 3 years ago. I had one of those lightbulb moments after going through the clichéic quarter-life crisis. I realized, I had something I wanted to do, not just something I felt I had to. That my position and the direction my career was heading into were no longer in line with my passions. But I didn’t know how to suddenly switch over so I decided to prepare for it slowly while in the meantime, work was still hectic. Fast forward 2 years later, pandemic happened, all hell broke loose, and I was spiraling downwards.

Moving on, the pandemic got me thinking about my priorities which led me to finally take that end-of-my-20s-decision seriously. Also, since my workplace was in a hospital (but I’m not a frontliner), I didn’t want to continue physically reporting when work-from-home was no longer an option, while I’m living with senior citizen parents. I was losing my mind trying to juggle everything that I felt the healthiest thing for me to do was to give up something, and that was my job.

By the way, that end-of-my-20s-decision isn’t anything grand. It may seem like I’m building it up into something amazing when actually it’s really not that big of a… thing. I just don’t want to announce it so often so as not to jinx it.

Anyway, yesterday, the Mother asked me “Nagsisisi ka ba na umalis ka?”. Thinking about it, I’ve been with that job for 8 years! There were definitely fun times. I made life-long friendships, learned a lot, and literally grew up in it. And honestly, this job isn’t totally unrelated to that end-of-my-20s-decision-which-must-not-be-named thing.

But it’s funny going from a corporate uniform and being called Ma’am by juniors to an oversized t-shirt and shorts, being called Beh by my sukis in the neighborhood talipapa. My call log, previously from clients and superiors now replaced by calls from Shopee deliverymen. And as I was reading a previous post where I said I was nowhere near okay at the time, I realized that not just being okay, I’m actually happy now (and calm!). It’s not a perfect happiness and I don’t know about the future but… I’m happy. And I don’t regret anything.

Isn’t that how life should be? Not living to work, but working to live.

What I am…

Listening to

It’s been a while since I listened to a new artist. Folklore occupied my ears (and decimated my heart) a few months back and I haven’t felt the mood for anything else since. But then, CL came out with these new tracks (+HWA+ & +5 Star+) last October, which jolted me back towards Korean music.

So I also got curious about DPR (Dream Perfect Regime) during this time because CL made a cameo in this music video which then got me going down the rabbit hole real deep. I thought they were a rappers collective at first but they’re actually an independent multi-genre music and video group (of friends). So the rapper/artist is “DPR Live” while the rest of the crew have different roles in the music and video productions. Though their visual director, DPR Ian is also now coming out with his solo music (which I also loved). Oh and their videos are 4k resolution INSANE.

These were the ones I was bopping to the most:

Continue reading “What I am…”

[In Quarantine] What I Learned Last August & September

I know I’ve mentioned previously about wanting to post more regularly but August was too cruel and I was unable to update. I realized though that my mental faculties are becoming dull and I had to use my brain.

I was sick the whole of August until September 1st week. What started as allergies turned into an entire digestive system flare-up. I don’t know what exactly triggered the first symptoms but it was like a series of dominoes crashing down from then. There was pain, some blood, and excessive belching which turned out to be GERD (I thought I was just gassy) that just wouldn’t go away for days. Later on, the acid lacerated my throat and I couldn’t eat properly for almost a week.

Initially, I tried to deal with it through the typical Filipino way of enduring. At the end of the second week, I finally messaged an SOS to my brother to hook me up with his doctor friends because it got to a point where I kept waking up every 2 hours for consecutive nights.

[In Quarantine] D-136 Update

Reached peak brain fog this weekend amidst allergies and taking supposedly anti-drowse meds. A moment of clarity came when my computer chair broke and I fell backwards short of banging my head hard on the floor. No injuries but it did cause a bit of paranoia that I would suddenly pass out and… you know. Anyway, I slept fine that night and woke up after dreaming about mass spectrometers, laboratory experiments, and politicians.

Continue reading “[In Quarantine] D-136 Update”

Throwback Travel Log: Coron (Palawan)

Since this blog’s inception, a truth I’ve realized through the course of various blog entries is I will never make it as a travel writer. Yes, I’ve developed a love for travel. Yes, I’ve also tried writing about it. But I am too lazy to follow through. Like very, very, very lazy.

I think the problem lies with me lacking the brevity skills needed to be “professional” about travel blogging, which I’ve been trying to fix.

No, sorry that’s a lie. I am nowhere near fixing it.

Anyway, I tend to post each travel destination into multiple parts otherwise, it will be too damn long. The thing is, I usually get in the mood to write about my travel stories immediately right after I went. If a considerable amount of time have passed, I won’t feel up to writing about it anymore. Going the “Budget Travel Guide” route is also out of the question since “budget” is non-existent in my travel dictionary.

Then I thought, it might work if instead of posting the blow by blow account of whatever the heck happened from these trips, I only post a few memorable anecdotes. It could be one of those “throwbacks” since most of these places would’ve changed significantly (or insignificantly) by now. Given also, that our world and the concept of “travel” is undergoing such a massive change during this pandemic, it might be interesting at this time to look back on things that used to be. Plus, I also miss travelling.

And so, I decided to begin with a few local destinations where I felt all my travel escapades were first sparked and inspired by and then, some international ones will follow later on. First up…

Continue reading “Throwback Travel Log: Coron (Palawan)”

[Some New Words] Schnitzels & Vegetables

So this series became a monthly thing instead of weekly.

I haven’t been consuming media as much as I would’ve liked because it’s been busy these past few weeks. I made a few life-altering decisions which had induced not just a bit of on and off anxiety, and I’ve been physically reporting to work three times a week now while working from home for two. On my off days, if not running errands for the house (because I’m the only one allowed to leave), I’ve been plotting future life paths and well…

Anyway, here are some new words (for them word lovers)!

Continue reading “[Some New Words] Schnitzels & Vegetables”

My Quarantine Watched List

Just to make things a bit lighter in this blog (because I’ve been too “honest” with my posts recently) and in an effort to update regularly, I thought about posting the shows I’ve watched (and some “currently watching” ones) during the past two and a half months in quarantine, and what I’ve felt and thought about each of them. I also thought this would be an easy post to write (well easier than the rest I’ve been planning to do) because seriously, I have not been watching much. [Edit: 1 hour later, NO IT’S NOT EASY!]

I’ll try not to be too spoiler-y but if I can’t, well consider this a warning.
[SPOILER ALERT!!!]

Continue reading “My Quarantine Watched List”