anchor-hold

there was a shootout between two of the guards in our subdvision last saturday.a 21-year old guy who was on his way to the store got hit by a stray bullet and died on the spot.one of the guards is in the hospital while the other one fled and is still in hiding.they brought his body to the chapel last sunday so now everytime i go out, i see several people gathered for the wake.
wakes give me the creeps.whenever i go to one, i rarely look at the coffin but instead stay at a safe distance in the back.and on those rare ocassions that i do get to look, i always end up having nightmares and a paranoia that they'll show up at my back when i'm taking a bath.i've been blessed(?) never to have had to attend a wake of a close relative. or if ever i did, i was too young to remember, like my great-grandmother's wake.all i can remember is a dark house with lots of candles.
i found out about the shooting early sunday morning.i woke up at 6 to get back at my noisy neighbors and their kids.if they're not shouting at each other or playing their loud lousy music, their kids are either screaming, yelling or crying or worse, hanging by the grills of our house.i want to strangle those kids.i hate children, well most of them.and i can only stand the cute, behaved ones.anyway, i took out a cd with a compilation of all the loud "novelty" songs my friend gloi compiled for me.it had all my favorite songs from masculados' lagot ka to the sexbombs' spaghetti and bakit papa anf to sheryn regis; come in out of the rain.i could almost imagine my roommates cringinf once again at my taste of music.oo, jologs na ako.anyway, i put the cd in and turned up the volume to the max and started playing.i was secretly giggling in bed at the thought of my neighbors being roused from their sleep while bayani was doing his otso-otso.yes, i was mean.but you have to understand where i'm coming from.anyway, when my aunt came back, she told me about the shooting and i instantly felt remorseful about my petty act of vengeance.
the shootout according to the talk going on began with what was an unspoken, almost little known animosity between the two guards.and it ended up taking people's lives.after hearing about it, it kinda puts things in perspective.that's not to say, i don't hate the noise or the kids, but i'm trying to stretch my patience.

like galadriel who walked away from the one ring, i feel triumphant for walking away from my one recurring ghost. it wasn't so much of a struggle anymore but more of an inclination, like dropping a pair of shoes you suddenly realized you never really wanted before you actually paid for it.
*****
louie points out that it's a matter of proximity and our choices, well most of them, should always factor in what is easiest and most convenient for us.being the idealistic atenista that i am, i say it's about what's right and true.and i rest my case at that.i am too exhausted to philosopize.but it was a suggestion well worth considering.
*****
and on to other pleasant news from coupledome, where i don't belong to.i just found out one of my dormmates is getting married in july or august.which one is it chabs,please make up your mind, i just might be able to attend.no babies on the way for the sudden announcement, just the fact that they are both in love.from what i gather, they broke up in highschool when the guy moved to the states but they got back together when my friend moved to states.congrats chabs!
and another one of my friends from work, i heard, got a sony clie pda with camera from her boyfriend who came back from japan after being an intern there for a year.a gesture which, like gloi is bound to make me swoon and gush.
*****
little red riding hood's mother warned her not to talk to stranger.you'd think that after years of hearing that fairy tale, i would've taken that lesson to heart.the creepy feeling from knowing someone knows where you live and work is just not worth the free ride.
*****
and i completed my first ticket today!hurray for me.i'll be working from 11pm to 8am next week which means i will be online during those times.so if you're online, please do im or email me.i promise to answer immediately even if i'm busy.
*****
i was a bit disturbed when i read the article on sef gonzales from an email forwarded by mabel who has a new blog.if you don't know who sef gonzales is, read the papers, google, or im me.i promise to give a comprehensive explanation.and on a side note, how come you have time to read my blog but no time to know about sef when he's practically in all of the headlines?he killed his family.maybe that's enough to motivate you to read up on him.

i suppose someday i could pat myself on the back for my grand exercise of courageous honesty over the weekend. but not today. today, i just feel like banging my head on the wall and giving myself a good i-told-you-so-you-should've-known-better-what-were-you-thinking lecture.might i add that i am but a fraction of a nudge away from standing in the middle of ayala ave(no less!) and wait for the next bus to run me over?
but actually, i did tell myself but i felt compelled to do it anyway and take one of the last remaining risks i have like a cat down to its last few remaining lives. i figured, what are risks for if you don't take them anyway?besides, as i've believed and proven, it was a risk well worth taking.yes, i knew better. i knew that i hated second-guessing, that some things just have to be said.that though there is a surmountable possibility that shit happens and reality bites, there is a minute possibility for magic and surprises.because i am unapologetically optimistic, i placed my bets on the latter.and contrary to what may seem to be a reckless, impulsive and rash action, i did think about it.a lot.over the past few weeks.
but still, there is a twinge of disappointment and self-recrimination because things didn't turn out the way i hoped it would.when did it ever anyway?like my financial plans, i either seem to overestimate or underestimate.although more often than not, i tend to expect more, peg things at a higher value than they actually are.i guess that's why at the end of the day when it's time to account for losses, i always end up shortchanged and broke.poor grasp of reality, you might say.maybe you're right, i'll say.in my mind, i can hear john mayer say there's no such thing as the real world, just the lies we have to rise above while i start to sway to the music in my head.
the weather's more agreeable today. in fact if you probably hang your clothes out to dry, they will dry and smell all crisp and fresh.but me, i'm still stuck in my own storm-stricken island of pensiveness, wallowing in a huge puddle of self-pity.no more storm, just a slight drizzle and really menacing dark clouds.maybe tomorrow i can sail on to better, calmer days.
sigh, thank god for sighs.such a short but concise,almost abrupt word, that can best say what we really mean when it just has to be said and all other words fail.this is gonna be one sighful day.sigh.

i started working in hp last monday and for the past few days, i've been swinging between trainings, being pleasant and adorable to people and setting up everything from my accounts to my laptop(yey!). thus, the absence of a blog entry for the last few days.
a few noticeable differences from nec during my first week - there's more of almost everything. one, there's more people. i think hp's occupying about 5 floors here in robinson summit and i don't know how many else in petron and 6750. at first i thought more people means more more boys but i forgot about proportion, how as the number of boys increases so does the number of girls. the age bracket of people here also cover a broader range. unlike in nec where there were around only 6 people who are married and have a family, here the reverse is true. only 6 are not married. at least in my team. everyone seems to be married, engaged, pregnant or in a relationship.
on my first day, we were asked to introduce ourselves and this girl says, "hi, i'm katherine and i just got engaged". to which i replied, "hi, i'm jeanie and i'm not engaged" which elicited a few laughs from the rest of the new hires. one of my teammates just got married, another one's pregnant and someone i was in the same org with in college is also pregnant. my aunt says it might be a good sign that i will be in a relationsip, engaged, married or pregnant too in a year's time.
i've done some initial occular inspection of our floor and i've spotted some cute guys (according to universal standards), other cute guys(according to my standards) and others who are not cute but whatever standards.but, no crush for me yet.although i've already set out to match some of my new officemates with some of my previous officemates.i'm hoping it might change the course of my lovelife karma.
then, there are more more elevators and longer elevator trips here. in my old office in the fort, there were only three floors and we used the elevator to get to the canteen which was only two floors away. then of course, there's more space, the pantry in our floor is twice or thrice as big as our old pantry.and there's even a coffee vending machine which is great for me because i love coffee.then there's more choices of restaurants to go to during lunchtime.there's a canteen on the seventh floor with a wide range of food choices from binalot to bento and sushi to mister donuts. the other day, i had lunch with my officemates in enterprise (which hasn't changed much since my practicum days) and in pbcom tower. a while ago, we had a kfc bucket with free powerpuff lollipop.
then the perks are undeniably better, phone, laptops, bonuses, you name it. although it also means more work and more pressure which i don't mind really. i feel that i'm young, carefree and unattached enough to be stressed and overworked.i don't mind working myself off for the next five years or so. because after that, i feel that i can take it easy when i get married and my market value has upped a few notches that i can have enough bargaining power to dictate my employment terms.wahaha.or if that doesn't work out,i can always go to hongkong and marry a rich chinese businessman. i was watching extra challenge the other day and some of these domestic helpers who've been there for a while end up marrying these chinese businessmen. apparently, they're not as discriminating as the chinoys here.but that's the back-up plan in case i'm still penniless, single and desperate in five years.
but more doesn't always mean better and finally getting what you once wanted don't always a happy girl make.i miss my teammates and my friends from my previous work.i've emailed some of them the other day and sadly, only a few replied.and worse, some of the people i was hoping would reply didn't even bother to reply with even just a one-liner.and it's more pathetic and depressing because you used to be the one who cringe and didn't care about those things.and now you've become that kind of person and you see people react with the same lack of enthusiasm.even worse, they don't react at all.and that's when even more can't make up for those things that mean a lot more.