On August 20th, when I was about 10 weeks along, I went to the doctor.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"Terrible," I admitted. "I cannot believe I brought this on myself."
My doctor laughed. He probably hears the same sob story 30 times a day. "You should be over it within the next few weeks, " he said as he pulled out the doppler and ran it across my tummy.
Every time I see the doctor for the first time, I hold my breath a little until he finds the heartbeat. And, sure enough, this time after just a second of searching, there was that awesome sound of a tiny heartbeat fluttering strongly. In all my pregnancies, it has been in this moment that a baby has become real to me. It never ceases to amaze me, that at just ten weeks, when my baby is about the size of an olive, a strong and steady heartbeat can be heard. Completely miraculous, I tell you.
This time was no different; my own heart grew a few sizes as I listened to that tiny heartbeat. Even after this many pregnancies and babies, I still felt humbled and amazed to know I was growing a baby inside me.
Due to my "advanced maternal age" my doctor suggested I go the following week to get a first trimester screening. It would involve a simple blood test and an ultrasound. No big deal.
So, the next week, on Thursday, August 30th, I went in for my screening. It was a pretty routine thing, so I left Andrew at home with the kids. The tech had me come into a room where she took some blood from my finger as she asked me a few medical history questions and chatted with me about my kids.
Then it was time for me to "hop" up onto the table for my ultrasound. The lights in the room dimmed and on the screen in front of me, I saw the familiar blurry ultrasound images of life inside me. I lay there for a second, waiting for the tech to explain to me what I was seeing, but I was not prepared for what she said.
"Oh," she said. "Did you know you are having twins?"
Let me type that again.
"OH, DID YOU KNOW YOU ARE HAVING TWINS?"
"Are you kidding?" I asked.
"No," she said. "There are definitely two babies in here."
And then I said the only thing that popped into my head. "My husband is going to kill me." (After all, I knew I was pushing my luck when I got him to agree to one more baby - but still what a silly thing to say.)
The rest of the ultrasound was a blur.
I know I kept repeating, "I cannot believe this. I am freaking out. I cannot believe this. I am freaking out. I cannot believe this. I am freaking out." And I really was. All I could think of was what kind of car we could possibly get - because frankly - I've never dreamed of driving a Ford Econoline van.
From the ultrasound it looks like they are fraternal twins and luckily everything looked perfect and healthy on both of them, but let me repeat: WE ARE HAVING TWINS! That means we will have SEVEN children. It's just so crazy.
I left the ultrasound in a state of shock but was so excited to tell Andrew the news.
When I walked in the door, Andrew was on the phone and needed to send someone an email, but I REALLY wanted him to come look at ultrasound pictures with me. We sat down on the couch together and he started going through the pictures. "Look at that one," I said casually. "Doesn't that profile just look like one of our babies?" He mumbled some half-hearted agreement. Finally he came to the last picture (the one above) and just looked at it.
"Are you kidding?" he asked. And then we both started laughing and kind-of crying all at the same time. It was awesome. We were both in shock but laughing as though the biggest practical joke of all time had just been played on us.
It has been so fun telling people since then. People have been pretty shocked to hear about the pregnancy in the first place, but to then tell them about twins has been hilarious.
I have been on a roller coaster of emotion. On the one hand, I am so excited and grateful and thrilled beyond words - but I have also felt totally overwhelmed by every aspect of our life. Our car is too small. Our house is too small (seriously, we currently have five kids sharing two rooms, I think we'll really be pushing our luck with seven.) I can't figure out how I will take care of two newborns all night long and then take care of five other kids during the day. It's all a bit much for me to comprehend right now.
But even through all the overwhelming emotions, there is faith and comfort in knowing that these things are small details that will work themselves out and in the end, we will be blessed with two new babies in our family. And those two babies will grow into toddlers and into children and teenagers and adults and our life will be forever blessed because of them.
I'm a lucky mama - a lucky, overwhelmed, fairly unorganized, slightly frazzled, but happy mama.
Now, if I can just get through the pregnancy.
