"The longest trip ever taken is by a parent, leaving the hospital without their baby securely fastened in the backseat." ~ M. Watson
Well it's February. That means in just 25 days, it will have been 365 full days since I held Ava in my arms. Where has the time gone? This has truly been the shortest and longest, most agonizing yet life changing trip of my life. Our first year of "firsts" without our second daughter has almost come to a close, and I can't believe it! Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to one year from now and just take a peek in on my life. But I'm also scared to see what I will find! What other tragedies and heartbreak is in store for our family? I hope it will be nothing but good things from here on out! All I can say is that I am glad that we have made it through this first year alive. Because those first few days and weeks, I just wasn't sure how it was going to be possible to live again. But we are here, we are alive, we are healthy, and things are looking up! That's hopeful to me!! : )
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Happy Birthday Emma!
If you read this blog, then you have no doubt read all about our second born, Ava, and how she came into our lives. But today, I thought I would take the time to share about our firstborn, Emma. It's her birthday today! She turns the big 3! I can't believe how quickly the past three years have seemed to fly by. It's amazing!
Well to start, we found out we were pregnant in May 2007. We were very excited to become parents! I was nervous to become a mom, I was worried I wouldn't know what to do with this precious new life that I was going to be entrusted with. What do I do when she cries? What if she gets sick? All the wonderful thoughts went through my head on a daily basis, but I knew I would just figure it out somehow. I was very lucky to have a problem free and very easy pregnancy.
On January 24th, 2008 I was home by myself and realized I started feeling some weird aches in my belly. Funny, it took me a few hours to realize these were actually contractions! FINALLY, something was happening! I continued throughout the day and kept feeling these contractions get more painful and more frequent. Eric got home from work that evening and we ate dinner as usual, and decided to just try to relax the rest of the night. Afterall, I had heard many stories of new moms going to the hospital only to be sent away because it wasn't time. So around 11:00, contractions still coming, I decided to try to go to sleep. That didn't last long! At this point, the contractions were still about ten minutes apart, and they were pretty painful. So I decided to call the nurse. They told me to go ahead and come in to the hospital, but I might be sent home because I hadn't been laboring for long. So, we grabbed the hospital bad (just in case) and headed to the hospital.
We arrived at the hospital just before midnight. They could tell I was indeed having contractions, but they weren't close together so I might be sent home. But the nurse decided to check me just in case. Thank goodness she did because I was already five cm! They went ahead and gave me an epidural, and that was the best thing ever! No more pain! : ) The next few hours were just waiting and waiting. Contractions continued, but I didnt feel a thing. Then, around 6:30 am, my water broke. Around 7 am, it was time to push!
Finally, at 7:51 am, on Jan 25th (her due date) our little Emma Rae was born! She weighed 7lbs, 1 oz, and was 20 inches long. She was the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen. Of course I was a little biased, but she really was! As soon as I held her, all those fears just seemed to insignificant. I was her mommy, and this was my daughter, and it would be ok. I just knew it would. She was bright eyed and bushy tailed from the moment she was born. Only cried when she was cold or hungry, and she managed to stay awake for hours after she was born. It was like she was just taking it all in. Her new world was all around her, and she was enjoying every minute of it. And three years later, I have to say she has not changed a bit. Happy Birthday to my beautiful firstborn, Emma Rae! Mommy loves you!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Accomplishment!
My back hurts, my hands are tired, and my house is a mess... but all for a great reason. I finally finished Ava's scrapbook! I have been working on this thing since....we came home from the hospital! I would do a few pages here and there but never had the motivation to get it done. But with her "birthday" coming up in just about a month, I wanted to complete it. It is my gift to her. Now I'm only wishing I did a digital scrapbook....so you all could see it! HAHA
Friday, December 31, 2010
It's Just Not Fair!
I don't know how to sum in up any other way, but it's just not fair! I want to be a blissfully carefree pregnant woman. I want to stroll down the baby aisle just dreaming of the things my new baby might need, and happily anticipate the gender of this child. But that's all been robbed from me. I came so close. Ava came so close. She was almost here. So instead of doing all the fun things pregnant girls do, I just pray everyday that my baby is still alive. It's so awful! How did this happen? How is this my life? It's hard for me to anticipate "when" this baby gets here, it's more like "if" in my head!
Ugh. Those are just my thoughts of today, hopefully tomorrow will be better...
P.S. It's the last day of 2010! My second daughter was born in this year, and I got to see her beautiful face, but I also had to say goodbye. I am almost finished with the first year of "firsts" without her. It's been awful, I don't know how else to say it. I am just ready for a fresh start!
Ugh. Those are just my thoughts of today, hopefully tomorrow will be better...
P.S. It's the last day of 2010! My second daughter was born in this year, and I got to see her beautiful face, but I also had to say goodbye. I am almost finished with the first year of "firsts" without her. It's been awful, I don't know how else to say it. I am just ready for a fresh start!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Hope.
Today, I am feeling hope. It might be gone tomorrow, in "true pregnancy after loss" style, so I will go ahead and write about it today : )
We had a very uplifting doctor appointment yesterday. It was our first time with the high risk doctor. Yikes! High risk! Scary thought, yet reassuring at the same time. I can't even tell you how comforting it is to know I will be at the doctor just about every two weeks for a few months....then once and twice a week at least during the final trimester. I feel like we are doing every single thing possible to make sure this baby stays safe. It's all we CAN do! Anyhow, back to the appointment. We had a 13 week ultrasound, and of course I was worried sick before we even went into the room. I just can't face another silent and still ultrasound screen. I hope I never have to again. I held my breath as she put the wand on my belly. We had a big screen TV on the wall to see the baby, and all I could think about was, "if this baby is dead too, I'm going to see it's lifeless little body on that huge TV." I said a final silent prayer in my head....and then I heard that wonderful sound! It was the heartbeat galloping away just as it should. I took a sigh of relief. The baby looked great! He/She was waving to us and cooperating with the u/s tech. They did the NT scan (measurements and bloodwork to determine the risk for chromosonal abnormalities). The physical measurements were all in the normal range. Another huge relief. Then, the doctor came in and introduced himself. He had already reviewed my chart, and then looked at the baby's results. He said "well I'm excited!" I never expected him to say that! He sat down with us and I think he could just read my fear. He told me he felt very good about this baby, and our outcome. He was so optimistic and reassuring! Then I felt the tears just pouring out! I didn't even know that was going to happen, but I just couldn't stop! It was such a bittersweet moment! Here I was, completely devastated that we lost my perfectly healthy baby girl for no good reason, and this doctor is telling me that this baby looks great and he thinks everything was going to be fine. He isn't God, he can't tell me that for sure, but I needed to hear it. I NEEDED it!!
So our appointment yesterday has put me in a good mood for now : ) I feel lots of HOPE that this baby just might get to join us at home in June. It might be hard for some of you to understand these feelings, especially if you have never had a loss. I truly hope you never have to live in this fear. To all the pregnant women whose biggest concern is "boy or girl?"...I envy you. I wish I had that complete joy and confidence that everything will be ok. But the truth is, nobody is safe, and I know it all to well. But for now, my focus is HOPE. I HOPE this baby comes home, I hope yours does too. And today I am full of hope! : )
We had a very uplifting doctor appointment yesterday. It was our first time with the high risk doctor. Yikes! High risk! Scary thought, yet reassuring at the same time. I can't even tell you how comforting it is to know I will be at the doctor just about every two weeks for a few months....then once and twice a week at least during the final trimester. I feel like we are doing every single thing possible to make sure this baby stays safe. It's all we CAN do! Anyhow, back to the appointment. We had a 13 week ultrasound, and of course I was worried sick before we even went into the room. I just can't face another silent and still ultrasound screen. I hope I never have to again. I held my breath as she put the wand on my belly. We had a big screen TV on the wall to see the baby, and all I could think about was, "if this baby is dead too, I'm going to see it's lifeless little body on that huge TV." I said a final silent prayer in my head....and then I heard that wonderful sound! It was the heartbeat galloping away just as it should. I took a sigh of relief. The baby looked great! He/She was waving to us and cooperating with the u/s tech. They did the NT scan (measurements and bloodwork to determine the risk for chromosonal abnormalities). The physical measurements were all in the normal range. Another huge relief. Then, the doctor came in and introduced himself. He had already reviewed my chart, and then looked at the baby's results. He said "well I'm excited!" I never expected him to say that! He sat down with us and I think he could just read my fear. He told me he felt very good about this baby, and our outcome. He was so optimistic and reassuring! Then I felt the tears just pouring out! I didn't even know that was going to happen, but I just couldn't stop! It was such a bittersweet moment! Here I was, completely devastated that we lost my perfectly healthy baby girl for no good reason, and this doctor is telling me that this baby looks great and he thinks everything was going to be fine. He isn't God, he can't tell me that for sure, but I needed to hear it. I NEEDED it!!
So our appointment yesterday has put me in a good mood for now : ) I feel lots of HOPE that this baby just might get to join us at home in June. It might be hard for some of you to understand these feelings, especially if you have never had a loss. I truly hope you never have to live in this fear. To all the pregnant women whose biggest concern is "boy or girl?"...I envy you. I wish I had that complete joy and confidence that everything will be ok. But the truth is, nobody is safe, and I know it all to well. But for now, my focus is HOPE. I HOPE this baby comes home, I hope yours does too. And today I am full of hope! : )
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas
It's Christmas....Merry Christmas! I don't want to be a scrooge this year. I really don't. But my heart hurts without my daughter here. This would be her first Christmas. She would be 10 months old, about the same age as Emma on her first Christmas. I remember how fun that was to watch Emma try to open her presents...and only enjoy the boxes and bows : ) I wish Ava was here to do that, and wish Emma could watch her little sister enjoy it.
But despite my sadness, I do have lots of joy. I am first thankful for the reason we celebrate this day. For the birth of Jesus! We wouldn't be able to enjoy it without Him and the blessings He has provided in our lives. I am thankful for my beautiful family, especially ALL of my beautiful children. They may not all be here in front of me, but their lives are all important, no matter how short or long they may be. And I am thankful for my friends, old and new. They have been so wonderful throughout this first year of sorrow for our family, and I appreciate them so much.
But despite my sadness, I do have lots of joy. I am first thankful for the reason we celebrate this day. For the birth of Jesus! We wouldn't be able to enjoy it without Him and the blessings He has provided in our lives. I am thankful for my beautiful family, especially ALL of my beautiful children. They may not all be here in front of me, but their lives are all important, no matter how short or long they may be. And I am thankful for my friends, old and new. They have been so wonderful throughout this first year of sorrow for our family, and I appreciate them so much.
Monday, December 13, 2010
A New Journey Begins...
I wrote this post a few weeks ago, before we "announced" our new pregnancy. I wanted to make sure I wrote down what I was feeling, because it changes so often. So here it goes:
Well, we have embarked on a new direction in our journey! Its a very bittersweet journey to say the least. Yup, you guessed it, we are pregnant with baby #3! We decided to start trying for
another baby as soon as we were physically able to. We knew that there is no emotionally "right" time to do this, because the fear and anxiety will always be there after a loss. I became increasingly frustrated each month that a new pregnancy didn't happen. It felt like I was losing Ava all over again, month after month, after month. And I didn't have many people to share this with. I just wasn't ready to start the "trying" talk with a lot of people. But those few wonderful people who I discussed this with on a regular basis would tell me...it's going to happen at the right time. Oh how I hated those words! But I knew in my heart they were true. God's perfect timing. Afterall, He is the leader of all this. He started this, and only He knows how it will end.
Well, on October 22, 2010, I got a positive pregnancy test after several months of agony. I always wondered how this moment would feel after losing Ava...and it's very hard to describe the emotions that come along with it. As soon as I saw it, my heart started racing. I almost couldn't breathe. I had to look at the test about 100 times before I believed there was even two lines! The first thing I did, was thanked God. He made this happen. And all in perfect time. I think after a few minutes of complete shock, the happiness started to fill me up. I can honestly say, it was the happiest I have been able to feel since 2/26/10. And that was a great feeling. I NEEDED this.
I have decided that I will continue to write about this pregnancy on Ava's blog. Afterall, it might not have happened without the loss of my sweet Ava. I guess we will never know! But most importantly, I want her to always be a part of our life, and this pregnancy will be like no other, and she will a part of this every step of the way.
Now before you even think it....this pregnancy, is in no way, shape or form, replacing my Ava. It is not helping me "get over" my loss. I will NEVER get over it. But I am learning to live with it. It is a part of my life, my story, my family. And it shapes the way I think, I act, and feel every single day. The one thing that this pregnancy has done though, is put some absolute JOY and hope back into my heart. Maybe, just maybe, we will get to bring this baby home!
Well, as soon as I started feeling happy...I became terrified. I think within 24 hours I had myself convinced this was NOT going to end well....that I was going to lose this baby too, somehow, someway. It's a very complicated journey to be on! Then, finally around 6 weeks we got to see our little munchkin's heartbeat on the ultrasound! Talk about sweet relief!! (For the moment) I knew at least we had a fighting chance. Then, back to worry. It's a roller coaster, and my inner thoughts are constantly battling each other between the fear and the hope! I pray that hope and happiness wins!!
Well here I am now, I am writing this on December 13, 2010. I am 11 weeks pregnant. Currently, only a handful of people know about this new baby, but it's getting hard for me to hide it physically. I have a little bump already starting to show but I couldn't be happier. I plan to publish this post on to my blog at the beginning of the new year. I only HOPE that I make it there, and make it there with a healthy new life still thriving inside of me!
Well, we have embarked on a new direction in our journey! Its a very bittersweet journey to say the least. Yup, you guessed it, we are pregnant with baby #3! We decided to start trying for
another baby as soon as we were physically able to. We knew that there is no emotionally "right" time to do this, because the fear and anxiety will always be there after a loss. I became increasingly frustrated each month that a new pregnancy didn't happen. It felt like I was losing Ava all over again, month after month, after month. And I didn't have many people to share this with. I just wasn't ready to start the "trying" talk with a lot of people. But those few wonderful people who I discussed this with on a regular basis would tell me...it's going to happen at the right time. Oh how I hated those words! But I knew in my heart they were true. God's perfect timing. Afterall, He is the leader of all this. He started this, and only He knows how it will end.
Well, on October 22, 2010, I got a positive pregnancy test after several months of agony. I always wondered how this moment would feel after losing Ava...and it's very hard to describe the emotions that come along with it. As soon as I saw it, my heart started racing. I almost couldn't breathe. I had to look at the test about 100 times before I believed there was even two lines! The first thing I did, was thanked God. He made this happen. And all in perfect time. I think after a few minutes of complete shock, the happiness started to fill me up. I can honestly say, it was the happiest I have been able to feel since 2/26/10. And that was a great feeling. I NEEDED this.
I have decided that I will continue to write about this pregnancy on Ava's blog. Afterall, it might not have happened without the loss of my sweet Ava. I guess we will never know! But most importantly, I want her to always be a part of our life, and this pregnancy will be like no other, and she will a part of this every step of the way.
Now before you even think it....this pregnancy, is in no way, shape or form, replacing my Ava. It is not helping me "get over" my loss. I will NEVER get over it. But I am learning to live with it. It is a part of my life, my story, my family. And it shapes the way I think, I act, and feel every single day. The one thing that this pregnancy has done though, is put some absolute JOY and hope back into my heart. Maybe, just maybe, we will get to bring this baby home!
Well, as soon as I started feeling happy...I became terrified. I think within 24 hours I had myself convinced this was NOT going to end well....that I was going to lose this baby too, somehow, someway. It's a very complicated journey to be on! Then, finally around 6 weeks we got to see our little munchkin's heartbeat on the ultrasound! Talk about sweet relief!! (For the moment) I knew at least we had a fighting chance. Then, back to worry. It's a roller coaster, and my inner thoughts are constantly battling each other between the fear and the hope! I pray that hope and happiness wins!!
Well here I am now, I am writing this on December 13, 2010. I am 11 weeks pregnant. Currently, only a handful of people know about this new baby, but it's getting hard for me to hide it physically. I have a little bump already starting to show but I couldn't be happier. I plan to publish this post on to my blog at the beginning of the new year. I only HOPE that I make it there, and make it there with a healthy new life still thriving inside of me!
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