I don't know how to sum in up any other way, but it's just not fair! I want to be a blissfully carefree pregnant woman. I want to stroll down the baby aisle just dreaming of the things my new baby might need, and happily anticipate the gender of this child. But that's all been robbed from me. I came so close. Ava came so close. She was almost here. So instead of doing all the fun things pregnant girls do, I just pray everyday that my baby is still alive. It's so awful! How did this happen? How is this my life? It's hard for me to anticipate "when" this baby gets here, it's more like "if" in my head!
Ugh. Those are just my thoughts of today, hopefully tomorrow will be better...
P.S. It's the last day of 2010! My second daughter was born in this year, and I got to see her beautiful face, but I also had to say goodbye. I am almost finished with the first year of "firsts" without her. It's been awful, I don't know how else to say it. I am just ready for a fresh start!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Hope.
Today, I am feeling hope. It might be gone tomorrow, in "true pregnancy after loss" style, so I will go ahead and write about it today : )
We had a very uplifting doctor appointment yesterday. It was our first time with the high risk doctor. Yikes! High risk! Scary thought, yet reassuring at the same time. I can't even tell you how comforting it is to know I will be at the doctor just about every two weeks for a few months....then once and twice a week at least during the final trimester. I feel like we are doing every single thing possible to make sure this baby stays safe. It's all we CAN do! Anyhow, back to the appointment. We had a 13 week ultrasound, and of course I was worried sick before we even went into the room. I just can't face another silent and still ultrasound screen. I hope I never have to again. I held my breath as she put the wand on my belly. We had a big screen TV on the wall to see the baby, and all I could think about was, "if this baby is dead too, I'm going to see it's lifeless little body on that huge TV." I said a final silent prayer in my head....and then I heard that wonderful sound! It was the heartbeat galloping away just as it should. I took a sigh of relief. The baby looked great! He/She was waving to us and cooperating with the u/s tech. They did the NT scan (measurements and bloodwork to determine the risk for chromosonal abnormalities). The physical measurements were all in the normal range. Another huge relief. Then, the doctor came in and introduced himself. He had already reviewed my chart, and then looked at the baby's results. He said "well I'm excited!" I never expected him to say that! He sat down with us and I think he could just read my fear. He told me he felt very good about this baby, and our outcome. He was so optimistic and reassuring! Then I felt the tears just pouring out! I didn't even know that was going to happen, but I just couldn't stop! It was such a bittersweet moment! Here I was, completely devastated that we lost my perfectly healthy baby girl for no good reason, and this doctor is telling me that this baby looks great and he thinks everything was going to be fine. He isn't God, he can't tell me that for sure, but I needed to hear it. I NEEDED it!!
So our appointment yesterday has put me in a good mood for now : ) I feel lots of HOPE that this baby just might get to join us at home in June. It might be hard for some of you to understand these feelings, especially if you have never had a loss. I truly hope you never have to live in this fear. To all the pregnant women whose biggest concern is "boy or girl?"...I envy you. I wish I had that complete joy and confidence that everything will be ok. But the truth is, nobody is safe, and I know it all to well. But for now, my focus is HOPE. I HOPE this baby comes home, I hope yours does too. And today I am full of hope! : )
We had a very uplifting doctor appointment yesterday. It was our first time with the high risk doctor. Yikes! High risk! Scary thought, yet reassuring at the same time. I can't even tell you how comforting it is to know I will be at the doctor just about every two weeks for a few months....then once and twice a week at least during the final trimester. I feel like we are doing every single thing possible to make sure this baby stays safe. It's all we CAN do! Anyhow, back to the appointment. We had a 13 week ultrasound, and of course I was worried sick before we even went into the room. I just can't face another silent and still ultrasound screen. I hope I never have to again. I held my breath as she put the wand on my belly. We had a big screen TV on the wall to see the baby, and all I could think about was, "if this baby is dead too, I'm going to see it's lifeless little body on that huge TV." I said a final silent prayer in my head....and then I heard that wonderful sound! It was the heartbeat galloping away just as it should. I took a sigh of relief. The baby looked great! He/She was waving to us and cooperating with the u/s tech. They did the NT scan (measurements and bloodwork to determine the risk for chromosonal abnormalities). The physical measurements were all in the normal range. Another huge relief. Then, the doctor came in and introduced himself. He had already reviewed my chart, and then looked at the baby's results. He said "well I'm excited!" I never expected him to say that! He sat down with us and I think he could just read my fear. He told me he felt very good about this baby, and our outcome. He was so optimistic and reassuring! Then I felt the tears just pouring out! I didn't even know that was going to happen, but I just couldn't stop! It was such a bittersweet moment! Here I was, completely devastated that we lost my perfectly healthy baby girl for no good reason, and this doctor is telling me that this baby looks great and he thinks everything was going to be fine. He isn't God, he can't tell me that for sure, but I needed to hear it. I NEEDED it!!
So our appointment yesterday has put me in a good mood for now : ) I feel lots of HOPE that this baby just might get to join us at home in June. It might be hard for some of you to understand these feelings, especially if you have never had a loss. I truly hope you never have to live in this fear. To all the pregnant women whose biggest concern is "boy or girl?"...I envy you. I wish I had that complete joy and confidence that everything will be ok. But the truth is, nobody is safe, and I know it all to well. But for now, my focus is HOPE. I HOPE this baby comes home, I hope yours does too. And today I am full of hope! : )
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas
It's Christmas....Merry Christmas! I don't want to be a scrooge this year. I really don't. But my heart hurts without my daughter here. This would be her first Christmas. She would be 10 months old, about the same age as Emma on her first Christmas. I remember how fun that was to watch Emma try to open her presents...and only enjoy the boxes and bows : ) I wish Ava was here to do that, and wish Emma could watch her little sister enjoy it.
But despite my sadness, I do have lots of joy. I am first thankful for the reason we celebrate this day. For the birth of Jesus! We wouldn't be able to enjoy it without Him and the blessings He has provided in our lives. I am thankful for my beautiful family, especially ALL of my beautiful children. They may not all be here in front of me, but their lives are all important, no matter how short or long they may be. And I am thankful for my friends, old and new. They have been so wonderful throughout this first year of sorrow for our family, and I appreciate them so much.
But despite my sadness, I do have lots of joy. I am first thankful for the reason we celebrate this day. For the birth of Jesus! We wouldn't be able to enjoy it without Him and the blessings He has provided in our lives. I am thankful for my beautiful family, especially ALL of my beautiful children. They may not all be here in front of me, but their lives are all important, no matter how short or long they may be. And I am thankful for my friends, old and new. They have been so wonderful throughout this first year of sorrow for our family, and I appreciate them so much.
Monday, December 13, 2010
A New Journey Begins...
I wrote this post a few weeks ago, before we "announced" our new pregnancy. I wanted to make sure I wrote down what I was feeling, because it changes so often. So here it goes:
Well, we have embarked on a new direction in our journey! Its a very bittersweet journey to say the least. Yup, you guessed it, we are pregnant with baby #3! We decided to start trying for
another baby as soon as we were physically able to. We knew that there is no emotionally "right" time to do this, because the fear and anxiety will always be there after a loss. I became increasingly frustrated each month that a new pregnancy didn't happen. It felt like I was losing Ava all over again, month after month, after month. And I didn't have many people to share this with. I just wasn't ready to start the "trying" talk with a lot of people. But those few wonderful people who I discussed this with on a regular basis would tell me...it's going to happen at the right time. Oh how I hated those words! But I knew in my heart they were true. God's perfect timing. Afterall, He is the leader of all this. He started this, and only He knows how it will end.
Well, on October 22, 2010, I got a positive pregnancy test after several months of agony. I always wondered how this moment would feel after losing Ava...and it's very hard to describe the emotions that come along with it. As soon as I saw it, my heart started racing. I almost couldn't breathe. I had to look at the test about 100 times before I believed there was even two lines! The first thing I did, was thanked God. He made this happen. And all in perfect time. I think after a few minutes of complete shock, the happiness started to fill me up. I can honestly say, it was the happiest I have been able to feel since 2/26/10. And that was a great feeling. I NEEDED this.
I have decided that I will continue to write about this pregnancy on Ava's blog. Afterall, it might not have happened without the loss of my sweet Ava. I guess we will never know! But most importantly, I want her to always be a part of our life, and this pregnancy will be like no other, and she will a part of this every step of the way.
Now before you even think it....this pregnancy, is in no way, shape or form, replacing my Ava. It is not helping me "get over" my loss. I will NEVER get over it. But I am learning to live with it. It is a part of my life, my story, my family. And it shapes the way I think, I act, and feel every single day. The one thing that this pregnancy has done though, is put some absolute JOY and hope back into my heart. Maybe, just maybe, we will get to bring this baby home!
Well, as soon as I started feeling happy...I became terrified. I think within 24 hours I had myself convinced this was NOT going to end well....that I was going to lose this baby too, somehow, someway. It's a very complicated journey to be on! Then, finally around 6 weeks we got to see our little munchkin's heartbeat on the ultrasound! Talk about sweet relief!! (For the moment) I knew at least we had a fighting chance. Then, back to worry. It's a roller coaster, and my inner thoughts are constantly battling each other between the fear and the hope! I pray that hope and happiness wins!!
Well here I am now, I am writing this on December 13, 2010. I am 11 weeks pregnant. Currently, only a handful of people know about this new baby, but it's getting hard for me to hide it physically. I have a little bump already starting to show but I couldn't be happier. I plan to publish this post on to my blog at the beginning of the new year. I only HOPE that I make it there, and make it there with a healthy new life still thriving inside of me!
Well, we have embarked on a new direction in our journey! Its a very bittersweet journey to say the least. Yup, you guessed it, we are pregnant with baby #3! We decided to start trying for
another baby as soon as we were physically able to. We knew that there is no emotionally "right" time to do this, because the fear and anxiety will always be there after a loss. I became increasingly frustrated each month that a new pregnancy didn't happen. It felt like I was losing Ava all over again, month after month, after month. And I didn't have many people to share this with. I just wasn't ready to start the "trying" talk with a lot of people. But those few wonderful people who I discussed this with on a regular basis would tell me...it's going to happen at the right time. Oh how I hated those words! But I knew in my heart they were true. God's perfect timing. Afterall, He is the leader of all this. He started this, and only He knows how it will end.
Well, on October 22, 2010, I got a positive pregnancy test after several months of agony. I always wondered how this moment would feel after losing Ava...and it's very hard to describe the emotions that come along with it. As soon as I saw it, my heart started racing. I almost couldn't breathe. I had to look at the test about 100 times before I believed there was even two lines! The first thing I did, was thanked God. He made this happen. And all in perfect time. I think after a few minutes of complete shock, the happiness started to fill me up. I can honestly say, it was the happiest I have been able to feel since 2/26/10. And that was a great feeling. I NEEDED this.
I have decided that I will continue to write about this pregnancy on Ava's blog. Afterall, it might not have happened without the loss of my sweet Ava. I guess we will never know! But most importantly, I want her to always be a part of our life, and this pregnancy will be like no other, and she will a part of this every step of the way.
Now before you even think it....this pregnancy, is in no way, shape or form, replacing my Ava. It is not helping me "get over" my loss. I will NEVER get over it. But I am learning to live with it. It is a part of my life, my story, my family. And it shapes the way I think, I act, and feel every single day. The one thing that this pregnancy has done though, is put some absolute JOY and hope back into my heart. Maybe, just maybe, we will get to bring this baby home!
Well, as soon as I started feeling happy...I became terrified. I think within 24 hours I had myself convinced this was NOT going to end well....that I was going to lose this baby too, somehow, someway. It's a very complicated journey to be on! Then, finally around 6 weeks we got to see our little munchkin's heartbeat on the ultrasound! Talk about sweet relief!! (For the moment) I knew at least we had a fighting chance. Then, back to worry. It's a roller coaster, and my inner thoughts are constantly battling each other between the fear and the hope! I pray that hope and happiness wins!!
Well here I am now, I am writing this on December 13, 2010. I am 11 weeks pregnant. Currently, only a handful of people know about this new baby, but it's getting hard for me to hide it physically. I have a little bump already starting to show but I couldn't be happier. I plan to publish this post on to my blog at the beginning of the new year. I only HOPE that I make it there, and make it there with a healthy new life still thriving inside of me!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Been a while...
Ok, it's time for me to post here again. It's been WAY too long. It's not that Ava hasn't been on the forefront of every thought of everyday, it's just that I sometimes don't know what else to say!
But I feel like I have accomplished a few things since the last time I wrote. (I think it was July, yikes!) A few months ago, I accomplished the dreaded task of...holding a baby. It might sound crazy for some of you, but for a momma that has lost her precious baby and only got a few hours to hold her own (forever!) it's a huge milestone. I was so scared that I was going to break down and cry, but he was such a sweetheart that it felt so good to have him in my arms, even for just a few minutes. He wasn't Ava, and I knew that. So it was ok. I think my aching arms really needed it. Thanks J for sharing your sweet little guy with me for a moment : )
October was Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. I have never heard of this before my own tragedy, but now I cherish it. We participated in two different events to not only honor Ava, but hundreds of other precious babies gone too soo. It meant so much to have our friends and family there to support us and remember Ava.
Now, we enter the dreaded holiday season. Aside from her birthday, I think this will be the hardest obstacle for me. Everywhere we go, everything we do, I just wish she was here to do it too. She is not here to pull on the Christmas Tree, sit on Santa's Lap (and scream hysterically like her big sister) or open her first Christmas present and only be interested in the wrapping. I am missing every single minute of it, and it hurts so much. Yes, I know Ava is in a better place. She is with our creator, who started this all. But I want her here. One day I will see her again.
Monday, July 26, 2010
5 Months
Wow where does the time go? Five months ago, I was sitting in a hospital bed, in a dark hospital room, holding my second born child. I was in disbelief, shock, angry, sad, all wrapped into one. We were surrounded by loved ones, yet the only thing I could see was her. Her pouty little lips, her tiny little chin, perfect ten fingers, perfect ten toes, and her cute little conehead : ) She was just so perfect, all six pounds of her, and everything just ended so quickly. I just couldn't even imagine the days that lie ahead of me. Those were the worst, but I can truly say that I am glad I have been able to slowly wade my way through the fog of those first few days and weeks home.
Now, five months later, I am still adjusting to my "new" life. I don't like it at all, but I have no choice. I am learning to make the best of it. I have learned to become so much more grateful for the things in my life that I DO have, and try to make the best of what I don't. I think about her all the time, and it is not always a sad thing. I love to look at her picture, and talk about her to anyone that will listen. She is not a "sensitive subject", she is my daughter. I just wish things could have turned out differently, but no matter how much I wish, it is what it is, and this is my life.
Happy 5 Months in Heaven, my angel! <3
Now, five months later, I am still adjusting to my "new" life. I don't like it at all, but I have no choice. I am learning to make the best of it. I have learned to become so much more grateful for the things in my life that I DO have, and try to make the best of what I don't. I think about her all the time, and it is not always a sad thing. I love to look at her picture, and talk about her to anyone that will listen. She is not a "sensitive subject", she is my daughter. I just wish things could have turned out differently, but no matter how much I wish, it is what it is, and this is my life.
Happy 5 Months in Heaven, my angel! <3
Thursday, July 15, 2010
"Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them, each day I wish I had a different pair
Some days my shoes hurt so bad I don't think I can take another step
Yes, I continue to wear them
I get funny looks when I wear my shoes. They are looks of sympathy
I can tell in others eyes they are glad these are my shoes and not theirs
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them
But once you put them on, you can never take them off
I now realize I am not the only one that wears these shoes
There are many pairs in this world
Some women are like me and ache daily wearing them
Some women have learned to walk in them so they don't hurt so much
Some women have worn the shoes so long that days can go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything
They have made me who I am
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child
-Author unknown
They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them, each day I wish I had a different pair
Some days my shoes hurt so bad I don't think I can take another step
Yes, I continue to wear them
I get funny looks when I wear my shoes. They are looks of sympathy
I can tell in others eyes they are glad these are my shoes and not theirs
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them
But once you put them on, you can never take them off
I now realize I am not the only one that wears these shoes
There are many pairs in this world
Some women are like me and ache daily wearing them
Some women have learned to walk in them so they don't hurt so much
Some women have worn the shoes so long that days can go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything
They have made me who I am
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child
-Author unknown
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Flashbacks
I haven't written on here in a few weeks, and sometimes its just because I have nothing new to say that hasn't already been written. But tonight I felt the urge to just write something, anything. So today I was at my doctor's office for a regular checkup. I purposely go to a different office (but same doctor) to try to avoid any painful flashbacks that would cause me to leave the office crying. I felt great when I got there; I was having a great day. When the nurse called me back to do my vitals, a very pregnant woman followed behind and sat across from me. Sometimes, I have a hard time still seeing these women, and that's only because I am just so sad for myself. Anyhow, I overheard her saying to the nurse that she was 38 weeks and 4 days along. Ah. I immediately just felt such jealousy, because I lost Ava at 38 weeks, 6 days. I remember being in her shoes just days before, so giddy and excited that my baby girl would be here anyday. Little did I know that 2 days later the rug would be ripped from beneath me and out of nowhere, my world would come crashing before my eyes. Anyhow, I watched her walk back to the exam room with the nurse, and they shut the door. Then, all I could hear was that baby's heartbeat. It was radiating through that entire office, at least it seemed to me. Like it was right in my face, just torturing me. What I wouldn't give to hear Ava's heartbeat just one more time!! Then all of the painful memories came flashing back to my mind. That moment the nurse couldn't find her heartbeat. And when the ultrasound showed a completely lifeless baby on the screen. Then having to see my sweet child for the first time, but in complete silence because her life was already over. Needless to say, I left in tears, but that's to be expected. This journey is a tough one, but I will get through it as best I can. Just another day in the life of me...
Thursday, July 1, 2010
In The Arms of An Angel
"In The Arms of An Angel" is the song that we played at Ava's funeral. I have not brought myself to even try to listen to that song again since March 5th, for obvious reasons. But it is always in my head. I think that the meaning of the song is about people that commit suicide, etc but I like the main message, In the arms of an angel. Have you ever seen the movie, "City of Angels?" That song was played in the end, when the main character died. A few nights before we lost Ava, I was up in the middle of the night (thanks to my little angel doing gymnsatics and trying to find her way out of my belly) and that movie was on TV. I watched it the whole way through. Normally I can't watch the end, because I know what happens and it is so sad. But I guess I just needed a good cry. So I watched it, and that song came on. Oh the tears flowed! I remember thinking, "Wow, what a powerful song. I bet a lot of people play this at funerals." And so of course that song was in my head when we were planning funeral arrangements. Ironic how things turn out, isn't it?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Blog construction
Somehow I have managed to change the layout, etc of this blog and I don't like it!! Bear with me until I figure it out...
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Memories
Well I finally got some things together to start a memory book for Ava. It's going to be so beautiful. I never realized how many ultrasound pictures I have of her. But am SO very thankful to have them all. It's all I have of her still alive. Today Emma found one of the ultrasound pictures, picked it up and said "my sister!" Wow. I didn't know if I should smile or cry. My heart broke into a million pieces. The poor little girl thinks her sister is a piece of paper; that's all she has ever seen of her. I hope one day she will be able to have a brother or sister in the flesh!
Anyhow, I am excited about the memory book. I also have a memory box with all of her "things". I take the little hospital cap out that she was wearing and can still smell her. It's all I've got. And I can look at her tiny little footprints, and her lock of hair. All of these things are everything I have left of my little Ava. For such a tiny person, she has such a huge impact on me!
Anyhow, I am excited about the memory book. I also have a memory box with all of her "things". I take the little hospital cap out that she was wearing and can still smell her. It's all I've got. And I can look at her tiny little footprints, and her lock of hair. All of these things are everything I have left of my little Ava. For such a tiny person, she has such a huge impact on me!
Friday, June 4, 2010
P.S.
In case anyone is wondering why I took Ava's picture off the blog, it's because I was informed of a disgusting facebook page that someone made using pictures of babies in Ava's situation. I couldn't stand the thought of someone possibly doing that to my child so I took it down for now. I might change my mind later, but it just hurt too much to think someone might do that. But if anyone ever wants to see my beautiful child, I will be happy to show you. : )
In a Fog
I noticed it has been several weeks since I made a new post here. I guess the reason is that I just feel like I have nothing new to say. My daughter is still gone, and it still hurts. I will never get her back and my life has been forever changed. A piece of my soul left with her, I really think that. Because I don't think I will ever be the same. When a mom loses a child, it's an indescribable feeling. Others may be able to move forward in their lives, but I am always missing someone. Sometimes I just feel like I am in a fog; just stuck standing still while the world zooms on around me. Although I keep moving, and doing my daily life, it seems as though I just can't get Ava off my mind.
Yesterday I received the retouched hospital pictures of my sweet little girl. It was kind of weird, because when I saw them I was SO happy to see her little face again, just the way I remember her. I just wanted to show them off to everyone, but then I have to stop and remind myself...she's gone. Not many people want to ooh and ah over pictures like that. It's too sad for them I guess, or it freaks them out. And I hate that! She looks JUST LIKE Emma did when she was born. It is truly amazing. And it's even more amazing that I didn't realize it until now. But seeing those pictures was like seeing her again. I'll take any bit of joy I can these days!! It kills me. I won't be able to watch Emma and Ava grow up together. Never. Emma will never hold Ava and kiss her on the forehead. Or help change her diaper. Or go to school with her. Or do any of the things that sisters do.
I'm trying so hard to be "normal" again. But I think Eric and I have come to the conclusion that the normal we knew before will never come back. This huge bump in our road of life will always be there, and somehow we will have to just have to learn to incorporate Ava into our lives in other ways.
I've been meaning to pick out a headstone for Ava's grave. What an awful task. I want it to be just right, but I can't even picture what that is. Maybe I am still in shock or denial that I am even having to do such a thing. I don't know.
Since Emma and Ava are so much alike physically, I looked at Emma's baby book yesterday. I turned to the 3 month page to see what she was doing. She weighed 12 pounds! She was starting to halfway rollover, and laughed at the ceiling fan for the first time! I can't help but think Ava would be doing these things too. I guess that is the only way I can keep Ava alive in my heart; to imagine how she would be right now. Sounds crazy, I know.
Well time to go for now. Writing this has brought some tears to my eyes, but it always feels better to just cry sometimes.
Yesterday I received the retouched hospital pictures of my sweet little girl. It was kind of weird, because when I saw them I was SO happy to see her little face again, just the way I remember her. I just wanted to show them off to everyone, but then I have to stop and remind myself...she's gone. Not many people want to ooh and ah over pictures like that. It's too sad for them I guess, or it freaks them out. And I hate that! She looks JUST LIKE Emma did when she was born. It is truly amazing. And it's even more amazing that I didn't realize it until now. But seeing those pictures was like seeing her again. I'll take any bit of joy I can these days!! It kills me. I won't be able to watch Emma and Ava grow up together. Never. Emma will never hold Ava and kiss her on the forehead. Or help change her diaper. Or go to school with her. Or do any of the things that sisters do.
I'm trying so hard to be "normal" again. But I think Eric and I have come to the conclusion that the normal we knew before will never come back. This huge bump in our road of life will always be there, and somehow we will have to just have to learn to incorporate Ava into our lives in other ways.
I've been meaning to pick out a headstone for Ava's grave. What an awful task. I want it to be just right, but I can't even picture what that is. Maybe I am still in shock or denial that I am even having to do such a thing. I don't know.
Since Emma and Ava are so much alike physically, I looked at Emma's baby book yesterday. I turned to the 3 month page to see what she was doing. She weighed 12 pounds! She was starting to halfway rollover, and laughed at the ceiling fan for the first time! I can't help but think Ava would be doing these things too. I guess that is the only way I can keep Ava alive in my heart; to imagine how she would be right now. Sounds crazy, I know.
Well time to go for now. Writing this has brought some tears to my eyes, but it always feels better to just cry sometimes.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Almost 12 weeks...
Wow I can't believe we are already approaching the 12 week mark this Friday. It seems just like yesterday you were in my belly. Then my world came to a screeching halt when you were placed in my arms. I just miss your little tiny face so much. I wish you could be here in my lap playing with your sister, but that will never happen. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, there are little tiny babies that are your age. They remind me so much of you. Emma saw the neighbor's new baby last week and just loved him. It broke my heart in a million pieces watching her want to hold that baby. She should be able to hold her sister, but she was robbed of that. We were all robbed of that opportunity and it just hurts so much. I hope one day we will understand why this had to happen. Until then, I will just miss you and try to make it through each day for you big sister.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Rant
Let me start off by saying to my nurse friends that I respect what you do and you are wonderful at it. BUT with that being said, some people should NOT be nurses. I am referring to the nurse who keeps calling me but has no compassion whatsoever. Don't call me and and have a nasty attitude because I don't understand the test results and medical jargon that you are spouting off to me. I don't care this it is standard protocol for you to call me with results. Standard protocol went out the window when Ava died because all I was given was standard protocol. Don't get rude with me because I have questions about what you just told me, and you have no answers because you didn't even refer to my file before calling me (even though we have spoken on SEVERAL occasions) Don't be rude because I want to talk to my doctor, and not to you. And last but not least, DO NOT use the term "intrauterine fetal demise" when referring to my beautiful, perfect 6 pound, 11 oz daughter who DIED for no apparent reason.
Thank you that is all.
Thank you that is all.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
2 Months
Wow, I can't believe tomorrow will be two whole months since my baby girl came and went. It's amazing to think that I should have a two month old baby right now. If she was anything like her sister, she would be smiling, laughing, and maybe even sleeping through the night : ) I only hope she is having so much more fun in heaven.
This week was much better than the previous week. My mood has been lifted a bit, and I am not feeling the "heavy sorrow" that I did last week. I was discussing this with a couple of my new friends who have also suffered similar losses. There seems to be two kinds of unhappiness that we go through right now. The first is just plain sadness. These feelings kind of always linger, and sometimes you want to just cry because you wish your baby was in your arms. But I usually feel better after a good cry during this time. Then there is also heavy sorrow. This is the pain that I really dislike, and try to avoid. When I am feeling heavy sorry, it's almost as if I am not able to see past tomorrow, and just get so detached from what is going on around me. This is a harder emotion to recover from. For me, sometimes it last for hours, or even days. Anyhow, my point was that this week seemed to be free from the heavy sorrow. Thank goodness. It really feels good to be able to have hope for the future and to be able to look at Ava's picture with a smile instead of tears. I know I will go back and forth between these emotions for a long time, so I really cherish the happy days when they come.
On Saturday Eric, Emma, and I participated in the March of Dimes walk. We felt like it was something good to do to honor Ava. There was a really great turnout of walkers. I hope next year we can have our own team for Ava. Sometimes I like to daydream about how things will be a year from now; but I guess only time will tell. Right now I try to concentrate on just getting through each day instead of worrying about what the future holds.
Today I found myself back in church, and it felt really good. I haven't been for a long time. I don't really know why, really no particular reason. Sometimes I feel like things happen in life as if God is trying to tell us to wake up and pay attention! At least for now that is how I am interpreting it. I have always known I need to be closer to God, and this whole situation certainly has my attention. I am listening...and trying to understand where I am supposed to go from here.
Well tomorrow I have an appointment to get bloodwork done. I talked to my doctor again last week, and she recommended I have a series of tests done to rule out any other potential problems that could have caused Ava's death. Among those, they will test for any clotting disorders, which could have caused lack of blood flow from the umbilical cord to the placenta. They will also screen for any genetic risks I might have passed on. She also let me know that the chromosonal tests that were supposed to be performed on Ava were never sent off. Great. I could be angry, but what's the point? I don't think anything significant would have shown up anyhow. When we did early chromosomal screening during the pregnancy at 12 weeks, everything was in the normal ranges, so most likely everything was fine on that end. I am really not expecting any results to come about from these tests. I really feel in my heart that it was a cord accident. I have researched a lot about this, and have found that cord accidents are most likely to happen during the hours of 2 and 5 am, while sleeping. (Which is when it most likely happened for Ava) I guess this is because mom's blood pressure is lower while sleeping, and could possibly prevent adequate flow to the baby. This makes me never want to sleep again during pregnancy! Geez! I hate that I couldn't help her when she was in trouble. I hate that I didn't know something was wrong. One good thing that has given me comfort though, was that when she was born, the amniotic fluid was clear, signaling that she was never in distress. I can't live with the thought that my baby might have suffered.
Time to go for now. It's a new week! I am hoping for two (relatively) good weeks in a row. Wish me luck!
This week was much better than the previous week. My mood has been lifted a bit, and I am not feeling the "heavy sorrow" that I did last week. I was discussing this with a couple of my new friends who have also suffered similar losses. There seems to be two kinds of unhappiness that we go through right now. The first is just plain sadness. These feelings kind of always linger, and sometimes you want to just cry because you wish your baby was in your arms. But I usually feel better after a good cry during this time. Then there is also heavy sorrow. This is the pain that I really dislike, and try to avoid. When I am feeling heavy sorry, it's almost as if I am not able to see past tomorrow, and just get so detached from what is going on around me. This is a harder emotion to recover from. For me, sometimes it last for hours, or even days. Anyhow, my point was that this week seemed to be free from the heavy sorrow. Thank goodness. It really feels good to be able to have hope for the future and to be able to look at Ava's picture with a smile instead of tears. I know I will go back and forth between these emotions for a long time, so I really cherish the happy days when they come.
On Saturday Eric, Emma, and I participated in the March of Dimes walk. We felt like it was something good to do to honor Ava. There was a really great turnout of walkers. I hope next year we can have our own team for Ava. Sometimes I like to daydream about how things will be a year from now; but I guess only time will tell. Right now I try to concentrate on just getting through each day instead of worrying about what the future holds.
Today I found myself back in church, and it felt really good. I haven't been for a long time. I don't really know why, really no particular reason. Sometimes I feel like things happen in life as if God is trying to tell us to wake up and pay attention! At least for now that is how I am interpreting it. I have always known I need to be closer to God, and this whole situation certainly has my attention. I am listening...and trying to understand where I am supposed to go from here.
Well tomorrow I have an appointment to get bloodwork done. I talked to my doctor again last week, and she recommended I have a series of tests done to rule out any other potential problems that could have caused Ava's death. Among those, they will test for any clotting disorders, which could have caused lack of blood flow from the umbilical cord to the placenta. They will also screen for any genetic risks I might have passed on. She also let me know that the chromosonal tests that were supposed to be performed on Ava were never sent off. Great. I could be angry, but what's the point? I don't think anything significant would have shown up anyhow. When we did early chromosomal screening during the pregnancy at 12 weeks, everything was in the normal ranges, so most likely everything was fine on that end. I am really not expecting any results to come about from these tests. I really feel in my heart that it was a cord accident. I have researched a lot about this, and have found that cord accidents are most likely to happen during the hours of 2 and 5 am, while sleeping. (Which is when it most likely happened for Ava) I guess this is because mom's blood pressure is lower while sleeping, and could possibly prevent adequate flow to the baby. This makes me never want to sleep again during pregnancy! Geez! I hate that I couldn't help her when she was in trouble. I hate that I didn't know something was wrong. One good thing that has given me comfort though, was that when she was born, the amniotic fluid was clear, signaling that she was never in distress. I can't live with the thought that my baby might have suffered.
Time to go for now. It's a new week! I am hoping for two (relatively) good weeks in a row. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Rambling Thoughts of Today
Where do I begin? When I started this blog I thought I would write everyday. Sometimes its hard to put the words down when there are so many thoughts floating around.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be "normal" again. I can't do anything without thinking about what has happened, in some way or another. Will this always be on "instant replay" in my head? Everywhere I go, if I see a family with children Emma's age I automatically compare. Do they already have another little one in their arms? Or one on the way? And usually, the answer is yes. I hate that Emma's sister was taken from her. I was so excited that she was going to have a sister. I wanted that for her so badly. Emma is intrigued with babies right now. My heart breaks for her. Whenever I see a newborn baby, my heart just aches. Their tiny little feet, their sweet little faces, UGH why can't Ava be here?? This is so unfair! I was so ready for her. We have a good home, a good family, why did God take her away? Then I have to hear on the news this morning that a 6 month old baby was beaten to death by his 17 year old father. Why didn't God take his life in the womb? Then when someone says "to save her from suffering later" it would actually be true!
This week I have tried so hard to find a "normal" routine for Emma. She deserves it. She doesn't need a depressed mama. We have been out almost everyday so she can play with other children. As strange as it sounds, this has been the hardest step for me. I am ok being around people that I know and trust, because they know my situation. But when I am faced with the unknown, I often wonder how I will handle it. If they ask me how many kids I have, what will I say? If they ask me when we are going to have more, what do I do? If I actually muster up the courage to tell them about Ava, will I completely lose my composure? Or do I even want to mention her? I can only imagine the horror on their face when I tell them what happened. I know that firsthand because I had to tell Emma's very pregnant pediatrician what happened. I think she just about fell out of her chair. I am a complete mess. Things shouldn't be this way. I think way too much.
I went into Ava's room again today. It's becoming a regular occurance, for one reason or another. Her room is becoming a stockpile for "stuff." Mostly things that remind me of her that I don't want to look at right now. It looks like a Babies R Us exploded in there. Typically when I do enter her room, I am not sad. I get really pissed off. Mostly because we have all this STUFF for NOTHING. I think I am going to slowly just empty it out, and put things away. I want the room de-personalized (if that is even a word.) It's Ava's room now, but she is gone. She will never step foot in that room, or sleep in that bed, or wear those clothes. She is gone. Forever. So there is no point in leaving it the way it is. I might as well have a room in my house that is functional; not a forbidden place. I have already decided that next time (and I pray there will be a next time) there will be no baby shower. I will NOT decorate a nursery, or buy any clothes until that child comes home with me. If I am so blessed to give birth to a living, breathing, crying baby, none of that will even matter. I will never be able to have a joyful, carefree pregnancy. But then again, I never really did to begin with, because I was always so worried about having a stillborn child. Hmm.
I need to go to bed now...but probably won't be able to sleep. Story of my life these days!
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be "normal" again. I can't do anything without thinking about what has happened, in some way or another. Will this always be on "instant replay" in my head? Everywhere I go, if I see a family with children Emma's age I automatically compare. Do they already have another little one in their arms? Or one on the way? And usually, the answer is yes. I hate that Emma's sister was taken from her. I was so excited that she was going to have a sister. I wanted that for her so badly. Emma is intrigued with babies right now. My heart breaks for her. Whenever I see a newborn baby, my heart just aches. Their tiny little feet, their sweet little faces, UGH why can't Ava be here?? This is so unfair! I was so ready for her. We have a good home, a good family, why did God take her away? Then I have to hear on the news this morning that a 6 month old baby was beaten to death by his 17 year old father. Why didn't God take his life in the womb? Then when someone says "to save her from suffering later" it would actually be true!
This week I have tried so hard to find a "normal" routine for Emma. She deserves it. She doesn't need a depressed mama. We have been out almost everyday so she can play with other children. As strange as it sounds, this has been the hardest step for me. I am ok being around people that I know and trust, because they know my situation. But when I am faced with the unknown, I often wonder how I will handle it. If they ask me how many kids I have, what will I say? If they ask me when we are going to have more, what do I do? If I actually muster up the courage to tell them about Ava, will I completely lose my composure? Or do I even want to mention her? I can only imagine the horror on their face when I tell them what happened. I know that firsthand because I had to tell Emma's very pregnant pediatrician what happened. I think she just about fell out of her chair. I am a complete mess. Things shouldn't be this way. I think way too much.
I went into Ava's room again today. It's becoming a regular occurance, for one reason or another. Her room is becoming a stockpile for "stuff." Mostly things that remind me of her that I don't want to look at right now. It looks like a Babies R Us exploded in there. Typically when I do enter her room, I am not sad. I get really pissed off. Mostly because we have all this STUFF for NOTHING. I think I am going to slowly just empty it out, and put things away. I want the room de-personalized (if that is even a word.) It's Ava's room now, but she is gone. She will never step foot in that room, or sleep in that bed, or wear those clothes. She is gone. Forever. So there is no point in leaving it the way it is. I might as well have a room in my house that is functional; not a forbidden place. I have already decided that next time (and I pray there will be a next time) there will be no baby shower. I will NOT decorate a nursery, or buy any clothes until that child comes home with me. If I am so blessed to give birth to a living, breathing, crying baby, none of that will even matter. I will never be able to have a joyful, carefree pregnancy. But then again, I never really did to begin with, because I was always so worried about having a stillborn child. Hmm.
I need to go to bed now...but probably won't be able to sleep. Story of my life these days!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Tough Week
WHEW. It has been a tough week. Extra emotional to say the least! This week we were given the news that our daughter's test results were "normal." I guess that was supposed to be good news, but it's hard to accept. If she was normal, then why did she die? People don't just die for no reason that I am aware of. Maybe I missed something? The doctor says this is good news for next time, that most likely whatever caused her death was a fluke and shouldn't happen again. Well I can say that personally, I will never ever believe that something WON'T happen. Never again. So I will always be afraid. But I will also try to be positive; both of my pregnancies have been healthy, and I (as far as I know) can still have more children. I just pray that God will allow it to happen again. (us having children) BUT it will never bring Ava back. That is the hardest part.
I also had to make an extra trip to the doctor's office again for a checkup, and was emotionally overwhelmed by the time I left the office. I had been back there once since Ava died, so I didn't think it would be so hard. But it was horrible. I was surrounded by glowing pregnant ladies, ultrasound pics, and newborn babies. All of which I really and truly love, but it's so painful right now. Needless to say I left in tears...
Since then, I have had to see my neighbor come home from the hospital with her newborn baby and watch a few others bring healthy babies into this world. And that's just this week!! Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy for them. I would never wish this pain on anybody, I really wouldn't. I just wish I could share their happiness right now. I feel so cheated. She's suposed to be in my arms right now. But Eric and I are left without our daughter and Emma is without her sister.
Everyday I try to find something positive, so I want to end this post that way. I am so thankful for Eric and Emma. They are my life. I am thankful that I was able to bring Emma into this world as a healthy and thriving child. I thank God for that experience and I treasure it now more than ever!! Pregnancy, childbirth, and life itself are truly a miracle!! And I am thankful for those miracles in my own life!!
Hoping for a better week : )
I also had to make an extra trip to the doctor's office again for a checkup, and was emotionally overwhelmed by the time I left the office. I had been back there once since Ava died, so I didn't think it would be so hard. But it was horrible. I was surrounded by glowing pregnant ladies, ultrasound pics, and newborn babies. All of which I really and truly love, but it's so painful right now. Needless to say I left in tears...
Since then, I have had to see my neighbor come home from the hospital with her newborn baby and watch a few others bring healthy babies into this world. And that's just this week!! Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy for them. I would never wish this pain on anybody, I really wouldn't. I just wish I could share their happiness right now. I feel so cheated. She's suposed to be in my arms right now. But Eric and I are left without our daughter and Emma is without her sister.
Everyday I try to find something positive, so I want to end this post that way. I am so thankful for Eric and Emma. They are my life. I am thankful that I was able to bring Emma into this world as a healthy and thriving child. I thank God for that experience and I treasure it now more than ever!! Pregnancy, childbirth, and life itself are truly a miracle!! And I am thankful for those miracles in my own life!!
Hoping for a better week : )
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Dear Ava
Dear Ava,
It's nearly been seven weeks since I held you for the first time and kissed you goodbye. You were so beautiful and perfect, I'm sorry you didn't get to see us. I hope you know how much we love you. I wish you could have met your big sister, Emma. I know the two of you could have been so close.
I had so much planned for you. I was going to be a mom of two girls! We were going to have so much fun. Emma was going to show you all of her things (she is still learning how to share!) and Daddy was going to have two little princesses to please. But for some reason, we can't have that now and we are left wondering why. Why did God take you so soon? I hope you are safe and happy where you are. Please know how much we love you and miss you every single day. I will never stop thinking about you, but I know I will see you again someday.
Love,
Mommy
It's nearly been seven weeks since I held you for the first time and kissed you goodbye. You were so beautiful and perfect, I'm sorry you didn't get to see us. I hope you know how much we love you. I wish you could have met your big sister, Emma. I know the two of you could have been so close.
I had so much planned for you. I was going to be a mom of two girls! We were going to have so much fun. Emma was going to show you all of her things (she is still learning how to share!) and Daddy was going to have two little princesses to please. But for some reason, we can't have that now and we are left wondering why. Why did God take you so soon? I hope you are safe and happy where you are. Please know how much we love you and miss you every single day. I will never stop thinking about you, but I know I will see you again someday.
Love,
Mommy
Ava's Story
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I have created this blog so that everyone can know and love Ava as much as we do. Even though she never took a breath of our air, she will always be our second daughter and will never be forgotten.
Ava's Story:
On June 22, 2009 I found out I was pregnant for the second time. It was a mix of emotions! I was surprised first, but very open to the thought of having another child. We already had one daughter, Emma, who was 17 months old at the time. I love being a mom, so needless to say I was very excited to welcome another to our family. I loved the idea of our children being close in age.
My pregnancy was always normal and healthy. On October 1, 2009 we were elated to learn that we were having ANOTHER girl!! We were so surprised, we thought for sure it would be a boy. We have so much fun with Emma, that we couldn't wait to have double the fun with another girl. Soon after, we decided to name her Ava Marie. The weeks ticked on, and everything was always on schedule. I never missed a doctor appointment, and looked forward to each time I got to have my belly measured and to hear that strong heartbeat. The doctors said each time "she's perfect!"
The holidays came and went, Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then it was the New Year. I knew then that two very big events were coming; Emma would be TWO and soon after, we would make her a big sister. It just couldn't be here soon enough!! Then after I hit the 36 week mark, we started to see the doctor every week. I knew it was getting closer! Emma was born on her due date, right at 40 weeks, so I figured Ava would wait until then as well. But I couldn't help but hope that she would come early. Oh how I wish that would have been the case...
I saw the doctor at 37 weeks. Everything was measuring "right on track" and the heartbeat was "strong". I came back a week later at my 38 week appointment, on a Monday (I was 38 weeks and 3 days) and everything was the same; still right on track. I saw the nurse practicioner this time, and begged her to get the process moving (labor). I explained how I was SO uncomfortable, and just ready for this baby to get here. I also mentioned to her that I have always had a big fear of having a stillborn baby, but she reassured me that there is nothing to worry about. She asked why I had this fear, and if I knew anyone that had a stillborn baby. I told her not personally, but have always been terrified of this happening. She let me know that I would not be given the option to be induced until I was at least 40 weeks because "nature knows best" and she just might not really be ready to be born. That day is permanently engraved in my brain, and it haunts me over and over.
Fast forward 4 days later to Friday, February 26th. Emma and I both slept in later than usual. Emma had trouble sleeping the night before, and that's probably why. So we got up around 9:30. We did our usual morning routine, and went downstairs to eat breakfast. While I was making breakfast, I realized that I had not felt a lot or any movement from Ava. It was not completely unusual, as she usually "woke up" after a good breakfast. So I decided to eat some waffles, and figured I would feel her happily kicking around after I was finished. But I ate, and waited, but still nothing. I still was not worried. I went upstairs to start getting ready for the day, and decided to just go ahead and use my heartrate monitor that I have at home (I bought earlier in the pregnancy because of my fears; I'll write all about that in another post) before we left for the day. I laid on the bed, put the monitor on my belly, and listened. Everything was silent. Normally I am able to instantly pick up the swooshing sounds of the placenta, then the heartbeat, but it was completely silent. So I took my hand und nudged her back to try to get a reaction, and nothing. Somehow, I was not freaked out at this point. Maybe I was just in denial. I just told myself I wasn't using the monitor correctly, even though I have been using if for the past 9 months with no problem. So I decided to go to the dr to get checked out. I called the on call line, and a nurse returned my call. I told her everything, and she didn't seem concerned. She said that normally we should wait a few more hours, that the baby could just be sleeping. (This still boggles my mind) I re-stated that I have a heartrate monitor at home, and couldn't find anything and need to be checked out. So finally she said just come on in just in case. So I immediately put Emma in the car, called Eric and told him I was on the way to get checked out. I prayed to God all the way there that everything was ok, and was sure it would be.
When we got to the hospital, they took us to labor and delivery. They had me put on a gown, and I re-explained everything to the nurse. She had me lay down on the bed, but all she really seemed concerned about was my paperwork. Something was wrong with my paperwork. I'm not sure what, but that was all she could think about. In my head I was screaming "just put the monitor on me and find my baby!" But for some reason, I still wasn't worried. So after about 10 minutes (seemed like an eternity) she FINALLY but the doppler on my belly. Nothing. She asked me which side I could normally find the heartbeat, and I mumbled something, I really have no idea what my response was. Still nothing. She searched and searched and searched. But nothing. At this point, it felt like the walls were starting to close in on me and I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying. I remember asking in desperation "she's gone?" but the nurse wouldn't answer. She called in another nurse to try to find the heartbeat. Nothing. Then they said they were calling the doctor in. I knew that was bad. I just laid there with tears in my eyes praying for a miracle. Then Dr G came in with the ultrasound machine, and zoomed in on her chest cavity. It was completely still. No heartbeat. I said "she's gone." The doctor said "I'm so sorry". Everyone just kept saying "I'm sorry". And that is pretty much the last vivid memory of that morning. Everything else that happened in the next few hours are pretty much a blur.
I know I was induced for labor somewhere around 1 pm. I begged and pleaded for a c-section because I just wanted it over with. The nurses and doctor, and even Eric repeatedly explained that it was not a good idea, because there was too much risk that something could go horribly wrong for me. I really didn't care. Why should I? My baby was gone, I didn't want to wake up tomorrow. How was I supposed to sit here in labor knowing my baby is dead? How? The thought alone was just so cruel.
The next 6-7 hours were a big blur. I don't remember what I did or who was there. I have no idea. The next thing I remember was around 8:00 pm they told me it was time to push. I couldn't believe this was about to happen. But somehow I did it. Then, at 8:26 pm she was born. I will remember that moment forever. The room was dark, except for the light the doctors and nurses were using. She came out, and everything was silent. This was not how things were supposed to happen. The Dr said very quietly "it's a girl" and handed her to the nurses to be cleaned up. I immediately asked the doctor what happened to her. She said the cord was around her neck, but it was loose so they couldn't be sure that it hurt her. The nurses cleaned her up and swaddled her, then handed her to me. She was so perfect. I instantly felt so sad for her because she never had a chance. She was a perfect 6 lbs, 11 oz, and 20 inches long, and she never got to see the world outside of my womb. I knew I loved my child the moment she was conceived, but it was magnified as soon as I saw her. She was real, she was a baby, but she was gone. The pain and emptiness I felt at that moment is indescribable. Eric and I spent several hours that night just holding her and sharing her with our family that was at the hospital. We got to see her perfect 10 fingers and her perfect 10 toes (the ones that had been beating up my ribs for months!) and I am so grateful for that. Then around 1:30 am the next morning we felt it was time to say goodbye. I don't really remember that exact moment when the nurses wheeled my daughter away for the last time, and it's probably best that way. Somehow we made it though that first night at the hospital and went home the next day.
I can't even tell you how painful those first few days were. To leave the hospital without your baby is a feeling nobody should ever face. To come home to a house that was so ready for a baby is terrible. And to live each day feeling like a piece of you is gone is something I would never wish on anyone. Compounding that pain is the physical recovery of childbirth without your child in your arms.
Now it is almost 7 weeks later. I am glad I finally sat down to write all of this out. It feels good to talk about it, and I hope others want to know about Ava. The thought of her never being known is terrifying, because she is my child. She existed, even though some never got to see her outside of my bulging pregnant belly.
We still do not know for sure what happened to our precious daughter. The autopsy results revealed that she was "normal". That is very hard to accept. If she was normal, then why did she die?? We still have lots of questions for lots of doctors, and will keep you updated when/if we find any answers .
Eric, Emma, and I are continuing to live. Some days are better than others. I know that for myself, I have to keep going for them. I refuse to stay in bed and be sad all day, even though sometimes that is how I feel. I can honestly say there hasn't been one waking minute that I haven't thought about Ava. Some of the thoughts are sad, and some are happy. I have been through every emotion in the book, and continue to do so. I have also met a lot of wonderful people in the past few weeks that also share my sorrow of losing a child. I hate that they know my pain, but it is comforting to know I am not alone. We have also had so much love and support from our family and friends. If you are reading this, please know that we would not have gotten this far without all of you.
I will try to keep this blog updated on how I (and we) are doing and if we find any new information. I hope you enjoy reading it : )
Ava's Story:
On June 22, 2009 I found out I was pregnant for the second time. It was a mix of emotions! I was surprised first, but very open to the thought of having another child. We already had one daughter, Emma, who was 17 months old at the time. I love being a mom, so needless to say I was very excited to welcome another to our family. I loved the idea of our children being close in age.
My pregnancy was always normal and healthy. On October 1, 2009 we were elated to learn that we were having ANOTHER girl!! We were so surprised, we thought for sure it would be a boy. We have so much fun with Emma, that we couldn't wait to have double the fun with another girl. Soon after, we decided to name her Ava Marie. The weeks ticked on, and everything was always on schedule. I never missed a doctor appointment, and looked forward to each time I got to have my belly measured and to hear that strong heartbeat. The doctors said each time "she's perfect!"
The holidays came and went, Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then it was the New Year. I knew then that two very big events were coming; Emma would be TWO and soon after, we would make her a big sister. It just couldn't be here soon enough!! Then after I hit the 36 week mark, we started to see the doctor every week. I knew it was getting closer! Emma was born on her due date, right at 40 weeks, so I figured Ava would wait until then as well. But I couldn't help but hope that she would come early. Oh how I wish that would have been the case...
I saw the doctor at 37 weeks. Everything was measuring "right on track" and the heartbeat was "strong". I came back a week later at my 38 week appointment, on a Monday (I was 38 weeks and 3 days) and everything was the same; still right on track. I saw the nurse practicioner this time, and begged her to get the process moving (labor). I explained how I was SO uncomfortable, and just ready for this baby to get here. I also mentioned to her that I have always had a big fear of having a stillborn baby, but she reassured me that there is nothing to worry about. She asked why I had this fear, and if I knew anyone that had a stillborn baby. I told her not personally, but have always been terrified of this happening. She let me know that I would not be given the option to be induced until I was at least 40 weeks because "nature knows best" and she just might not really be ready to be born. That day is permanently engraved in my brain, and it haunts me over and over.
Fast forward 4 days later to Friday, February 26th. Emma and I both slept in later than usual. Emma had trouble sleeping the night before, and that's probably why. So we got up around 9:30. We did our usual morning routine, and went downstairs to eat breakfast. While I was making breakfast, I realized that I had not felt a lot or any movement from Ava. It was not completely unusual, as she usually "woke up" after a good breakfast. So I decided to eat some waffles, and figured I would feel her happily kicking around after I was finished. But I ate, and waited, but still nothing. I still was not worried. I went upstairs to start getting ready for the day, and decided to just go ahead and use my heartrate monitor that I have at home (I bought earlier in the pregnancy because of my fears; I'll write all about that in another post) before we left for the day. I laid on the bed, put the monitor on my belly, and listened. Everything was silent. Normally I am able to instantly pick up the swooshing sounds of the placenta, then the heartbeat, but it was completely silent. So I took my hand und nudged her back to try to get a reaction, and nothing. Somehow, I was not freaked out at this point. Maybe I was just in denial. I just told myself I wasn't using the monitor correctly, even though I have been using if for the past 9 months with no problem. So I decided to go to the dr to get checked out. I called the on call line, and a nurse returned my call. I told her everything, and she didn't seem concerned. She said that normally we should wait a few more hours, that the baby could just be sleeping. (This still boggles my mind) I re-stated that I have a heartrate monitor at home, and couldn't find anything and need to be checked out. So finally she said just come on in just in case. So I immediately put Emma in the car, called Eric and told him I was on the way to get checked out. I prayed to God all the way there that everything was ok, and was sure it would be.
When we got to the hospital, they took us to labor and delivery. They had me put on a gown, and I re-explained everything to the nurse. She had me lay down on the bed, but all she really seemed concerned about was my paperwork. Something was wrong with my paperwork. I'm not sure what, but that was all she could think about. In my head I was screaming "just put the monitor on me and find my baby!" But for some reason, I still wasn't worried. So after about 10 minutes (seemed like an eternity) she FINALLY but the doppler on my belly. Nothing. She asked me which side I could normally find the heartbeat, and I mumbled something, I really have no idea what my response was. Still nothing. She searched and searched and searched. But nothing. At this point, it felt like the walls were starting to close in on me and I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying. I remember asking in desperation "she's gone?" but the nurse wouldn't answer. She called in another nurse to try to find the heartbeat. Nothing. Then they said they were calling the doctor in. I knew that was bad. I just laid there with tears in my eyes praying for a miracle. Then Dr G came in with the ultrasound machine, and zoomed in on her chest cavity. It was completely still. No heartbeat. I said "she's gone." The doctor said "I'm so sorry". Everyone just kept saying "I'm sorry". And that is pretty much the last vivid memory of that morning. Everything else that happened in the next few hours are pretty much a blur.
I know I was induced for labor somewhere around 1 pm. I begged and pleaded for a c-section because I just wanted it over with. The nurses and doctor, and even Eric repeatedly explained that it was not a good idea, because there was too much risk that something could go horribly wrong for me. I really didn't care. Why should I? My baby was gone, I didn't want to wake up tomorrow. How was I supposed to sit here in labor knowing my baby is dead? How? The thought alone was just so cruel.
The next 6-7 hours were a big blur. I don't remember what I did or who was there. I have no idea. The next thing I remember was around 8:00 pm they told me it was time to push. I couldn't believe this was about to happen. But somehow I did it. Then, at 8:26 pm she was born. I will remember that moment forever. The room was dark, except for the light the doctors and nurses were using. She came out, and everything was silent. This was not how things were supposed to happen. The Dr said very quietly "it's a girl" and handed her to the nurses to be cleaned up. I immediately asked the doctor what happened to her. She said the cord was around her neck, but it was loose so they couldn't be sure that it hurt her. The nurses cleaned her up and swaddled her, then handed her to me. She was so perfect. I instantly felt so sad for her because she never had a chance. She was a perfect 6 lbs, 11 oz, and 20 inches long, and she never got to see the world outside of my womb. I knew I loved my child the moment she was conceived, but it was magnified as soon as I saw her. She was real, she was a baby, but she was gone. The pain and emptiness I felt at that moment is indescribable. Eric and I spent several hours that night just holding her and sharing her with our family that was at the hospital. We got to see her perfect 10 fingers and her perfect 10 toes (the ones that had been beating up my ribs for months!) and I am so grateful for that. Then around 1:30 am the next morning we felt it was time to say goodbye. I don't really remember that exact moment when the nurses wheeled my daughter away for the last time, and it's probably best that way. Somehow we made it though that first night at the hospital and went home the next day.
I can't even tell you how painful those first few days were. To leave the hospital without your baby is a feeling nobody should ever face. To come home to a house that was so ready for a baby is terrible. And to live each day feeling like a piece of you is gone is something I would never wish on anyone. Compounding that pain is the physical recovery of childbirth without your child in your arms.
Now it is almost 7 weeks later. I am glad I finally sat down to write all of this out. It feels good to talk about it, and I hope others want to know about Ava. The thought of her never being known is terrifying, because she is my child. She existed, even though some never got to see her outside of my bulging pregnant belly.
We still do not know for sure what happened to our precious daughter. The autopsy results revealed that she was "normal". That is very hard to accept. If she was normal, then why did she die?? We still have lots of questions for lots of doctors, and will keep you updated when/if we find any answers .
Eric, Emma, and I are continuing to live. Some days are better than others. I know that for myself, I have to keep going for them. I refuse to stay in bed and be sad all day, even though sometimes that is how I feel. I can honestly say there hasn't been one waking minute that I haven't thought about Ava. Some of the thoughts are sad, and some are happy. I have been through every emotion in the book, and continue to do so. I have also met a lot of wonderful people in the past few weeks that also share my sorrow of losing a child. I hate that they know my pain, but it is comforting to know I am not alone. We have also had so much love and support from our family and friends. If you are reading this, please know that we would not have gotten this far without all of you.
I will try to keep this blog updated on how I (and we) are doing and if we find any new information. I hope you enjoy reading it : )
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