The big one's finally done. I thought I'd be the happiest girl in the world. But then the numbness set in. And I can't rest until the results are out. I hate this anticipation, I hate the uncertainty.

I got the hospital of my choice, but that again won't matter until I pass. So I dont really know how to feel. But gladness is knowing my girl friends are all there too! wee.

They say confidence, happiness is something you give yourself. I probably should not be so easily affected by random words people say. But it hurts when it's somebody you really like. I probably ought to learn to be stronger. I really wish sometimes I'm better at hiding emotions. And show the world my biggest smile even when I'm dying inside.

P/s: i got a call from li late last night. I'm so so so so touched and happy! thanks babe.. cu soon!

I dreamt about DARLING. My dearest irenegirl.
It was this place, this same kitchen /backyard that i previously dreamt about her, in the same "kennel". the kennel looked big, but had a small opening.

this time, someone had turned the kennel door over to face the wall on the other side to prevent the lights shining in too brightly.

in the dream, almost felt like i have neglected darling for a while. perhaps far too long. this kitchen looked a little like the old connaught's kitchen, with a little difference. but i have no doubt i've dreamt of this same kitchen a few other times. we were having a party of some sort apparently. i was too busy having fun. i forgot about her (how could i?) then i was washing dishes when she came walking to me.

Then it must be a while later because i went over to her kennel. and had to call her out. she came walking slowly out. the same lazy way she had been in the latter days. then when she was at my knees, i immediately grabbed her and hugged her so tight. So so tight i never want to let go. i was kissing her. hugging her.

I really don't want to let go. now after almost a year, i'm still missing her because of her. because someone who had been with you for 12 years whom you treasure so much but then i can't help thinking that there were times i might've neglected her while i had fun myself. too busy with life. too busy to rememeber to feed her. is gone. While she loyally sat by me when i was busy. busy playing. busy packing. busy onlining. busy studying. she would literally sit by my side.

when i was upset she seemed to know and came over and licked me knowingly.

Sure i do keep saying i want a dog. But i know no matter what even if i have another dog, no one can ever replace the love of my life. The most loyal bestfriend i ever had. My dearest darling. I want to just hold her once more and never let go. i want her back. :(

i'm homesick sick. and crying my eyes out. missing everyone at home. missing irene. missing home. yet i cant call mom because i wouldnt know what to say even if i had her on the line. it would only make her sadder that i am sad. talk to friends?but what good would it be. Doesnt change the fact that i am still here and still homesick.

I woke up late because i wanted the dream about irenedear to last longer. and because i didnt have time today, until before i close my eyes to sleep.. that's when the memories of the dream and of her all comes flooding in. I bet i would've otherwise waken up crying.

Yes. I've got attention span of a kid. I can't concentrate long on my report about laryngeal cancer which i desperately need to finish by Friday. *fingers crossed* And i'm barely halfway through, and far from my own modest standard of a 'good' report.


And so through the day, i've allowed myself to daydream, chat with my close friends and dearest nic and dad, lie on my bed and do absolutely nothing but stare at the ceiling, cook my yummylicious ABC soup ( i hadnt cooked healthy food in at least a month!), think about how i want to revamp my room (yet not act on it cos i'll feel guilty i should be doing my report), think about what to pack to Leicester and home (yet do nothing about them again), and now blog.


Okay, so most of what i've mentioned were in the category of 'daydream'. But it doesnt matter. So let's talk about.. ENT. (ear nose throat). That's what i've been doing for the past 2 weeks, and for the rest of this week. Theatres mondays and fridays, clinics for the rest in between. Am i enjoying it? Certainly. Except i didn't understand why for the first two weeks, i kept falling asleep in clinics. Not that they're boring. I just can't keep my eyes open!


So i've resorted to accepting tea offers when i'm sleepy, even if it means palpitations. I put the second week tiredness to a rebound of my long weekend Paris trip which was partly like an Amazing Race game. Seriously, 3 days is not enough to admire all of the city's beauty. I'm definitely gonna be back for at least a week next time. But it was good to just have a like, sneak preview.


I've seen 2 neck dissections - one radical and one non, some mastoidectomies and tympanotomies, a CO2 laser surgery, tonsillectomy, grommet insertions, a cauterisation (lo and behold it only took a few seconds i didnt even know that was it!), and a few random others. And clinics can actually be pretty interesting, tonnes of laryngeal Ca patients as uncommon as they were (when i asked, my consultant told me "no, they're not common, it's just that u see more of them in this department". hm, fair enough), or as boring as a 'snoring' day where 9/10 patients came because their partner (not the patients themselves) are bothered by their snore.


Ah, i've also had some English lessons on idiomatic phrases. But instead of your boring 'quiet as a mouse' or 'loud as a lion', i've learned modern and interesting ones, such as . . . "To snore like a grizzly bear" and "Eats like a horse" !! And I've learnt them all from my ENT Clinics. *beams*


And happy patients and sad ones. Tuesdays are mainly head&neck cancer day. So you'd see happy relieved faces when the scope goes in and comes out 'everything is fine it looks clear down there'. And some tensed faces when they had to break the news 'you have cancer'. Some patients take it better and just said "well, it's alot to take in". But last week, was horrible. There was this man, wheelchair bound. He looked like he's alot to worry about life but then when he sees us (medical students) he shows us his better side, he smiles at us through his somewhat sad eyes and say "hello ladies". They took a FNA biopsy of his neck lump a week before.. he was in total agony and teared but kept apologising profusely. My consultant passed us his FNAC and CT report before they sent him in.


Turned out the neck node was a cancer mets. In fact, he has got multiple metastases all over - in his axillary lymph nodes, liver. It was a Stage IV Bronchial Carcinoma. When they told him it was cancer, he totally lost it. Deep down, the patient and his wife knew it was going to come, they just tried to keep that tiny speck of hope alive. And when they broke the news, it was like dropping the bomb.


And being the emotional me, seeing that big man in his wheelchair crying and saying sorry for crying at the same time, tears came pouring out. I imagined myself in his shoes. What you would do if you get that kind of news?


How unprofessional of me.. But i can't control it. I wished i could keep my cool just like my consultant did, showing empathy but not sympathising with tears. But I also know, if that day comes, i'm probably not me anymore.

Yay! First time i scrubbed in. After having watched surgeons done that hundred of times, i somehow still find it a little bit daunting. What can i touch? what can i not touch? And putting on that blue gown oso needs skill one. ish..


Having said that, it was fun! the Spr and nurses were really helpful. lol. Can u believe i even had no idea how to 'scrub' my hands properly? yes i know the seven steps technique. but not that u cant go back upwards while washing ur forearm. i didnt even know how to turn on that high tech sensor tap. sheesh.


It was a 'radical neck dissection' that i scrubbed in for today. The poor chap had cervical lymph node mets, apparently the primary was in the tonsils, common for pharyngeal cancer. So basically all his level 1-5 was taken out, including the sternocleidomastoid, IJV (internal jugular vein), submandibular gland, and the lymph nodes of course. i didnt know the IJV is so huge! >.<


For the first surgery i scrubbed in, i was satisfied just to hold the tractors, and cut the thread. :) And now, i really really need to start on my report if i wana hand it in next week. But i'd do everything else to distract myself and no open that damn file or my books. grrrrrrr.

Reunion dinner on CNY eve at Tai Pan!~

forgotten to take more pics. there's actually 3 tables of us!!
CNY Day 1!! gong hei fatt choy... dimsum at Pacific ~