Healthy & Happy, Hardy's

I am reading a great book by Shakti Gawain that is validating a lot of what I feel and how I believe I should be. It is also validating my parenting style and how I feel about my children. I want to share a few quotes from this amazing book.

"I can't worry too much about how I'm presenting myself or how I look to others or whether I'm doing the right thing. I just have to be myself as I am now, as best I can, accepting the mixture of enlightened awareness and human limitation that is what I am right now."

"To be a creative channel, you just have to be real - be yourself".

"When we have suppressed and closed off our feelings, we cannot contact the universe within us, we cannot hear our intuitive voice, and we certainly can't enjoy being alive".

"When we bottle up our feeling, we close off the life energy flowing through our bodies. The energy of these unfelt, unexpressed feelings remains blocked in our bodies, causing emotional and physical discomfort and eventually illness and disease. We become numb and somewhat deadened".

"It's only by loving and accepting all parts of ourselves that we can be free and fulfilled".

"There are no such things as "negative" or "positive" feelings - we make them negative or positive by our rejection or acceptance of them. To me, all feelings are part of the wonderful, ever-changing sensation of being alive. If we love all the different feelings we experience, they become so many rainbow colors of life".

"For me, commitment in relationship needs to be based on a commitment to myself - to love, honor, obey, and cherish my own being. My commitment in relationship is to respect my own truth and do my best to honor the other person's truth as well. To anyone I love, I promise to do the best I can to be honest, to share my feelings, to take responsibility for myself, to honor the connection I feel with that person, and to maintain that connection".

"I've observed in many people the underlying attitude that children are somewhat helpless or untrustworthy and that parents are responsible for controlling and molding them into responsible beings. Children, of course, pick up on this attitude and reflect it in their behavior. If you recognize and treat them as powerful, spiritually mature, responsible beings, they will respond accordingly".

"Many parents think they have to protect their children from their (the parents') confusion or so-called negative feelings. They think that being a good parent means maintaining a certain role - always being patient, loving, wise, and strong. In fact, children need honesty - they need to see a model of a human being going through all the different feelings and moods that a human being goes through and being honest about it. This gives them permission and support to love themselves and allow themselves to be real and truthful". This quote is one of my favorites....

"Parents need to shift the focus of their responsibility from their children back to themselves, where it belongs. Remember that children learn by example. They will tend to do what you do, not what you tell them to do. The more you learn to take care of yourself and live a fulfilling, happy life, the more they will do the same.
      This doesn't mean you should abandon or ignore your children. It doesn't mean that you let them do whatever they want. You are in a deep relationship with them and, like any other relationship, it takes a lot of caring and communication. It's important for all of you to express feelings, make needs known, and set clear boundaries. Furthermore, you have accepted certain responsibilities to care for them physically and financially. You have a right to require their co-responsibility and cooperation in the process.
      The key is in your attitude. If you truly see your children as powerful, responsible entities and treat them as equal to you in spirit (while acknowledging that they are less experienced than you in form), they will mirror that attitude back to you".

"As they grow older, continue to include them in family decisions and responsibilities. As much as possible, allow them to make their own decisions about their personal lives. This means they may sometimes have to deal with the consequences of making certain decisions. Offer them your love, support, and advice, but let it be understood that their lives are basically their own responsibility. Be sure you set your own boundaries clearly - what is okay and what isn't. Making their own decisions does not include the right to take advantage of you. Above all, try to communicate your honest feelings to them and ask them to let you know how they are feeling. Almost all family problems arise from lack of communication. Your children certainly aren't going to know how to communicate clearly if you don't know how".

I am feeling very sad, I try sooo hard to put my kids first and try and make time with their dad.. I give him my time and I don't feel bad about it.. Tonight though my heart was broken...I am feeling very angry at the ex right now, his selfishness has caused me an abundant amount of trauma and it feels like my heart will never recover from the lies, cheating, stealing and emotional manipulation that he chose to do to me, all the while I tried everything to just accept him and love him! Times like this, I wonder if I will ever heal enough to be with anyone ever again...Trust is precious and when it is broken it is so very hard to rebuild..I am loyal and would have done anything to fix what he broke.. I don't give up, EVER...I hate that I still hurt and still cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have always wondered why the victim or the one wronged is judged for sharing their pain and story!? Why isn't the one who did the wrong to begin with the one judged? I don't want anyone judged but really, the victim who is just trying to deal and heal!? Come on people, feel empathy for the one wronged and disappointment for the one who wronged...but always Love everyone!!!

First let me say that this is my blog where I get out all that I need to, it is my healing and my therapist. When you don't have any one in your life that you can truly trust to listen and not judge, you find someplace to vent and release and this is mine!! So if you don't like it don't read it!!!

Ok Connie, Marc and Janie,!!! I have had enough of dealing with crazy and my kids have had enough of dealing with crazy, Jon really needs to grow up and be respectful of others, no more yelling F#@% You mere inches in someones face or hanging up on them when they say something you don't like and it is not just me that he does this too. Kyli has been on the receiving end too many times to count. We are divorced and he is now your crazy person to deal with, so deal with it!!!! Me and my kids have been traumatized enough and need desperately time to heal.. If you can't understand that then you are crazy too!!!

I had to deal with some drama caused by the ex last night!  I was judged by his family and am tired of being judged by them when they have no clue who I am or the pure Hell I went through for 14 years. The first thing in our marriage I had to deal with was his criticism of everything I did and him constantly questioning me. Then his lies about stupid crap about bills how much money we had, then him buying large purchases without talking with me, like cars. through all of this mind you I was just trying very hard to deal with it and not make him feel bad or that I didn't still love him. Then shortly after we buy our first home he decides that he can't work for the company he was working for and we talked about it and I told him that if it was bad then he should find something else and quit but I meant after he found another job should he quit. He on the other hand went to work at midnight that night retrieved all of his belongings and sent an email resigning. When he told me I wanted to cry but instead, I said that is ok, I know you will find something better. Almost two years later of not finding something better and dealing with trying to live on his odd jobs, UPS, golf pro at Bountiful ridge, working for a friend etc. All while this was going on I was experiencing anxiety and depression, hmmm, can anyone blame me? Apparently his family can! Then he decides to move us to Florida to sell annuities and I try and support him. My fault in this is that I didn't put my foot down and say enough. I went along with him and supported his decisions and did my best with what I had. All the while getting more anxietied, depressed and losing more of myself to self doubt because he is still questioning everything I am doing. The only thing I knew I was good at was loving my kids. My spiral down hill was because I was trying to deal with his decisions by myself. Our marriage he would make a decision  and I would try and deal with it the best I could. Also at this time I was getting very frustrated with his family and criticizing him in their presence. I couldn't stand it anymore. I could only put up with Florida for a year and came back and lived with my parents for most of 2004. He found a job with the State of Utah and moved back and we moved to Bountiful. By this time I have also been dealing with him saying he doesn't love me anymore and then saying he loves me more than anything and then no wait he doesn't, no wait he does, back and forth it went. I at this time have no self confidence am over weight and hate myself because I don't blame him, I blame myself for not loving him the right way. We had some good luck financially and bought the home I now live in with the kids. He is still questioning me and the kids to death about everything and going back and forth with I love you, no I don't. He then tells me he isn't sure he wants to be married anymore. I was devastated. I started getting very mad at his selfishness and thoughtlessness. He is very good at helping around the house and doing things!! Emotionally he sucks balls. He told me several times during our marriage that he doesn't like to feel or have emotions. That says it all folks! He was never my partner, I was the person he blamed for his decisions that sucked balls and caused pain and trauma for me and the kids. I am still trying to love him, I am trying everyday, going to the temple several times a week, talking with my Bishop, everything I can think of to save my family. I suggest counseling. We go. Nothing changes. I am still dealing with the lies and then August 15, 2010 a Sunday. We come home from church early, he gets ready for a run gets some clothes in a bag and gives me a hug and tells me he is going into work and will run home. since he has done this several times I think nothing of it at the time. As soon as he leaves I get this feeling to follow him but I am trying to trust him so I don't. He disappears, no where to be found. by 12:30am me and the kids think he is dead somewhere. I finally calm the kids saying prayers for him and get them to sleep and then I call his dad for help. He comes over and we file a missing person report and the police start looking. 4:30 am, I get a phone call from the police saying they found his truck and it is in front of a female co-workers house. Turns out while me and the kids were praying for his safety he was screwing a woman 7years older than him. Yep he was planning this after a lunch date with her two weeks earlier. HE planned it, bought new underwear, came up with a plan and executed it. He turned his phone to silence because he knew we would be worried and would call. Nice!! He then comes home after I make him, he was going to go to work and not come home at all, not even to reassure his kids he was fine, no he was going to make me lie for him and do it. Which I did not, I sat them down and told them the police called and found their dad and where they found him and that he had been on a date with another woman. I don't lie and will not for a lying cheating POS. If he would have done his little affair some other way where I wouldn't have to lie to the kids then they would never know but he is stupid. He finally comes home at 6:00am, Kyli is going crazy and yelling and screaming at him and then something in me snaps and I start slapping him repeatedly he falls to the ground, then I kick him and walk away. I then start yelling at him, I cant seem to stop. All of my pain and trauma come pouring out of me. Kyli has taken the kids upstairs and comes down to say she is going to a friends house and we need to find someone for the kids. I have called our stake president and his boss to let them know what a sterling person he turned out to be. The stake president and his wife came over to talk with us. He has a break down and confesses that he is so very lost and doesn't know what he is doing. I tell him that I want to forgive him and I know the kids will as well. We spend all day talking, he tells me everything and we try to make it work from there. I am traumatized beyond and so are the kids but I still believe in him and want to support and forgive him. It is not easy and is taking time. Well it turns out he doesn't want to take the time or the energy to do what is necessary to build back the trust. He decides he wants a divorce. Oh yeah, while we are still together he takes out a loan against his 401k with out telling me and puts it in his own account, never intending to tell me but I found out. By this time I have had enough and agree. I focus on healing because that still needs to happen for me and my kids. I am slowly getting my anxiety down and building back my confidence and losing all of the weight. I am slowly becoming me again. He is still questioning the kids and me on how I am dealing with the kids. I choose to ignore it for most of the time. Last night I had enough of his bull and called him and his family out. I am tired of dealing with his crap all alone. I am no longer married to him but I still wish him happiness. I wish I could hate him or them or someone but I can't. I feel sorry for them. I want real relationships, not superficial ones. Which is the only ones he knows how to have. I am loyal and still want to help him with his kids. So last night I went back and talked to him and tried to help him again, see his kids for who they are. To see that we need to focus on healing their broken hearts not on there school performance. I think he listened and we came to a good place. I still love him, I just don't trust him or respect him and would never want to be anything but co-parents with him. I wish him and his family well and extend my apologies. Like I said, I am loyal, I don't back down, I fight for what is right and always will and focusing on healing my kids hearts is my only focus and if that is not his I will have to redirect him and will again and again and again. Now his family know basically all of it. I struggled with anxiety, depression and self confidence because I was trying desperately to love and support my husband and didn't know how!! Good luck to any who try to love and support that man, you will need it!

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to stand up for what is right and for those who couldn't for themselves! I have always wanted to share what I have and Love all that I can but I would not stand for being taken advantage of or having things taken from me! The Key to all of me is Honesty, Truth, Love and asking! All anyone ever had to do was ask and I would give! I will not stand for Lies, Cheating, Misdirection, Abuse of any kind, including the abuse of power! I don't seem to have the flight response in me, I fight for what I want, love, and believe in, and expect others to as well. It saddens me that most of the world is so passive and let others views control them or they are afraid to say something, to stand up for what is right! I am and forever will be a Warrior with a Pure Loving Heart!!! I wish there were more of us!! I hope to raise Three Warriors who will change the world!!!

*Those that run and prefer to live in fantasy land, stay there, for there is no use for weakness like yours in the real world!!! Continue to lie to yourselves and others, so that you don't have to feel bad about your choices and the way you hurt others and don't want to fix what you broke, because you will always need Warriors to fix and fight for you! I will choose to love you and those like you from a far and will continue to be a Warrior!!!

Now, all I need to do is learn to fight for myself and learn to let others Love me the way I deserve to be Loved!!

If you read this and think that I am talking about you, as the weak lover of fantasy land, then that should say something about you and how you really think of yourself and maybe you should change a few things!!!

I will never again accept lying, cheating, deceiving, stealing and emotional manipulation from anyone ever again! I will always forgive but never again try and work things out! Once any of those thing happen, it will be good bye immediately!! The forgiveness will be there, only you won't be!!

I have decided it is a self respect thing and I have to love and respect myself first! I have also decided that if you love and respect me and yourself, you would never do those things to begin with!!