The Wilkins Family

Here I am again, finally! I have been THE WORST writer lately, partly because my life is busier in some ways than it has ever been, and partly because I don’t enjoy writing. Just a warning: this is an epic letter. You are under no obligation to read it in its entirety! But for my children’s sake, I have to keep some sort of record of our family life, because sadly, I have noticed that my brain puts most of its power into getting through day-to-day life and very little into remembering! I hope that even if I can’t remember as much of what happens to me, my experiences are changing me and making me a better person. So maybe I’ll start right here with difficult but good experiences. Ever since our church announced last October a change in the minimum age for young men and women to serve missions, I have anticipated that it was very likely that Steven, our oldest, would choose to serve shortly after he turned 18 and graduated from high school in May. And I’ve often heard other parents at the occasion of a child’s marriage or the birth of a grandchild talk about how the time just flies – and so I knew it was coming. But somehow it caught me off guard how suddenly, this young man who is my oldest son, and who has become a companion and confidante to me and a friend and hero and role model to my other children, is leaving us. He is going off to help people, to give people hope through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and to be an example of living the Truth. I know he will learn things while he is serving that I could not teach him. So of course, there is no other place I would rather have him be and nothing more worthwhile I would have him doing. But I sure do miss him, and I am mourning the beginning of the end of this stage of our family life. Granted, Jonathan is still just a toddler, so we still have a long time yet with children at home, but I realize that about every year or two now one of my children will be leaving to serve a mission or go to college. And hopefully they will go out and make a difference for good in the world – isn’t that what we raise them to do? So Steven finished out his senior year of high school, suffering some major senioritis. Fortunately, he wasn’t taking a lot of classes, because the ones he took were very challenging. That last semester he ended up taking three AP classes and an independent study Physics class, which was necessary in order to fulfill the requirements to earn the Utah Regents’ Scholarship, which is potentially worth $5000-$6000 toward school expenses. Steven was given a full tuition scholarship to BYU, which he can renew if he keeps his grades up. I have had to figure out how to tread the thin line between being controlling when I want something for my children other than what they are choosing, and letting go enough that my children can own the consequences of their decisions. That said, Steven’s grades could have been higher, and Steven was pretty much just one Eagle Scout project shy of earning his Eagle Scout rank. Of course, we are excited that Steven was called to serve a mission for the LDS Church in Salem, Oregon for the next two years. We are excited to see how his specific gifts and talents will be put to use and developed over that time. We will miss his musical talents – he accompanied the ward choir as well as many special musical numbers at various church meetings. Playing the piano at home served as a de-stressor for him, and for such a logical, reasonable person, he plays with such emotion and feeling that I always loved to hear him play. Hugh and Steven performed a Rachmaninoff piano/organ duet for the Sacrament Meeting at which Steven gave his farewell talk. During his last six weeks at home before he left for the Missionary Training Center on July 10th, Steven spent lots of time with his good friend, Dawnika, and her family, whom he loves. Steven picked up some odd jobs through a temporary work service just because he wanted the experience. He also attended our Sacrament Meeting with us and then the singles ward with Dawnika most Sundays during the six weeks after he graduated. His lack of fear in facing new situations and his confidence in his own ability both scare and comfort me as I watch him enter this new stage of his life and ours. We spent a lot of time playing games together during the last few weeks he was here. Knowing our time together was almost over made that time even more precious. So Daniel, our 16 year-old, is now the oldest at home. I’m curious to see how Steven’s absence will affect the family dynamics. I’m hoping it will give Daniel the opportunity to figure out who he really wants to be. He has resented/resisted the expectations and comparisons he has felt his whole life being “Steven’s little brother” despite our efforts to help each child feel loved and valued as unique individuals, apart from what they can or cannot do. Daniel has taken on more responsibility with his siblings, and it has helped me as well as being good for his relationships with them. Daniel and Steven both worked hard as members of the high school soccer team, and it was fun for us as a family to watch them progress through the season and end up state champions in their division. Daniel was especially disciplined in his daily workouts as well as in watching his eating and sleeping habits so that he would be at his personal best. Their coaches had a great influence on them, and I as a parent appreciate the sacrifices of so many adults here in our community to help our children turn out well. Daniel has his driver’s license and got some valuable training through a Highway Patrol driving course his Uncle James got him in on. Daniel is excited to now be legally allowed to drive people outside his immediate family. He was hoping to be driving himself to a job all summer, but it hasn’t worked out and that has caused him a lot of frustration. Because I encouraged Daniel to attend a couple of youth camps/trips early in the summer, he wasn’t available when other teens looking for the same jobs were. I know it bothers him to be stuck in the house all day – as well as being stuck financially and socially, since we won’t pay for a cell phone and movies with friends and those kinds of things. He is quiet but wants to be more social than he is, and he does enjoy having some Facebook/email time. Daniel is really good at graphic design and solving puzzles, so I proposed that he figure out how to preserve all of our home videos in at least two different types of digital formats. In return, we’ll pay his competitive soccer club fees. Daniel spends much of his time alone in his room reading or playing brainy games (supposedly) on his Nintendo DS. He worked hard in school and earned all A/A-, as well as earning great scores on his AP American History test and the ACT. This week Daniel and Julia have been at EFY – Especially For Youth – a church-sponsored week full of activities and inspirational talks for youth. Daniel says this is not really his thing, but he went willingly and told me each day that it was “fine” or “goot” (German for good). Julia just turned 15 years old this week. We gave her the option of skipping the evening activities at EFY on her birthday so she could come home and do cake & ice cream and presents, and she said, “No, I’ll be fine. We’ll just pretend my birthday is on Saturday.” Wow, she is a patient girl! She’s the same girl who will get a package or card in the mail three days before her birthday, and will voluntarily save it to open on her birthday. She must get that from her dad, because she certainly doesn’t get it from me! Julia is enthusiastic about learning and trying everything. Like Steven, she is not afraid to try new things. She wants to learn five different instruments (piano, organ, violin, clarinet, and guitar,) so she decided that she would practice one of them each weekday during the summer. She hasn’t been very consistent in her practicing, but I love her enthusiasm! She finds too many things that she wants to do, so doesn’t always finish what she starts. But she is a great organizer of “Wilkins Restaurants” in which she and her cousins go to great lengths to plan themed meals, make decorations, customize menus, and coordinate all the jobs involved in running the restaurant (including cooking, serving, set-up and clean-up.) The girls invite all the local relatives, as well as an occasional family friend. It’s quite the production. Julia has been busy with some of the same youth activities as Daniel, and she will be attending Girls’ Camp in August. Julia is generally very willing to take care of some of her siblings if I need to run errands, and that makes my life much easier. It was fun to sort through her school papers and see what a good little artist she is – I would love to be competent at as many things as she is! She is also a very conscientious student, and ended her first year of high school with a 4.0. Michael is my long-haired boy. I was counting on the charter school to write him up for his violation (boys’ hair is not allowed to go past the eyebrows) and they never did, so I will probably have to suffer through the entire summer without getting a good look at his eyes. I can’t tell if Michael likes to hide behind his hair, or if he just wants to make a statement about his independence, but I figure that this issue is not as important as many others, so I’ve chosen not to make it a battle. He was named “The Human Calculator” and “Most Likely to Become President” by his classmates. Michael has spent a fair amount of time playing board games, learning card tricks (and performing them very well), doing origami, and amazingly, even reading. Michael would play electronics all day and watch movies late into the night every day if I let him. He and Julia plan to take over Steven’s spot playing the organ in Sacrament Meeting every third Sunday. He is a master Boggler, regularly coming up with 5- and 6- letter words, compared to my measly 4. He has been teaching Alyssa and Matthew piano lessons this summer, which is great because I want them to learn and he wants a way to earn money (though lessons have occurred somewhat sporadically.) Michael loves to hang out with his cousin Guts and has warmed to his little brother, Matthew, which is wonderful since they now share a room. Alyssa is my sugar addict. She asks nearly every day about buying or making some kind of treat. She is always willing to share, but I’m trying to help her change her tastes before the bad habits catch up to her. She loves to do gymnastics and has learned to do a lot of things on her own, but she is daring enough that she injures herself often enough that I don’t know if I should just let her try whatever she thinks she can do. She hates piano but could be very good at it if she put even a little effort into it. My challenge is figuring out how to get her to want to do it, because the benefits of learning to do something hard, especially music, are plentiful enough that I won’t back down on this one. Alyssa went with her cousin, Josie and the rest of the Wright family to Oregon to visit their grandparents for five days in June. She had a great time and loves to be with Josie, wherever they are. Alyssa and Michael have been trying to come up with money-making schemes which seem somewhat shady to me, like pulling apart old calendars and selling the individual pages as posters to their little sister’s friends. Creative, but I’d much rather give them extra chores to do to earn money. Natalie has been missing Steven. Steven was one of the only people in the house who did not regularly annoy her. She appreciates his taste in music and his maturity in not reacting to her impatient reactions. Natalie is very particular about her music - it really bugs her if anyone whistles, hums, or sings. She used to listen to music constantly, but has hardly turned on anything since Steven left, probably because he left so recently that it is still too painful a reminder that he is gone. At least that’s how I have felt. But it’s getting easier as we get used to the idea. Natalie likes to watch America’s Got Talent, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, Studio C, and Wheel of Fortune (believe it or not) as much as I will let her. When I arrive somewhere on time, often it is due to Natalie’s prodding. Matthew loves to play with friends, but is not as motivated as he once was since he and Michael are now buddies. He loves to build things with Legos. He loves to play electronics enough that he is willing to do extra chores and even keep his room clean in order to earn time to play. Following Michael’s example, Matthew has a dozen or so silicone wristbands halfway up his arm. He recently had a nasty reaction to a wasp sting which made most of his left arm hot, red and puffy, the skin tight like a balloon. After more than two days and a trip to the doctor, the swelling finally started to go down. Now he’s back to normal, though he will likely have a similar reaction each time he gets a bee sting, so we’ll have to be careful to ice it as soon as it happens to minimize the reaction. Emily, who finished Kindergarten this year and will be turning 6 next week, loves to play with friends. She has lots of playmates in the neighborhood, so it’s hard to put her off if her first or second attempts to play with a friend are unsuccessful. I would usually prefer that she just play with siblings for two reasons: 1. Sometimes her friends are just plain mean. I can’t believe how much drama goes on with these six year-old girls! I have little tolerance for that kind of behavior. 2. I don’t know who instigates it, but I’ve found that sometimes kids do things they know they’re not supposed to do just to look “cool” in front of their friends; siblings know better what will get them in trouble with Mom. Emily loves to dress in skirts and dresses and girly things. She reads well, but I fear my inconsistency this summer has stunted her progress. She sometimes has an obsessive attachment to Alyssa, maybe sometimes because Alyssa sticks up for her, and other times when she needs an excuse to disobey me. She and Katelyn both love Barbie movies and My Little Pony. Emily, Matthew, Natalie, and Alyssa all took swimming lessons last month, and Emily did especially well because she loved it and was willing to try whatever her teachers asked her to do. She often tells me unexpectedly, “I love you, Mom!” and I’m always happy to hear that. Katelyn is very cute but acts like a youngest child (which she isn’t) much of the time. She gets whiny when she doesn’t get what she wants. And we just can’t seem to get her potty-trained. Julia has worked with her and has made some progress, but we’re at an impasse. I’ve been pretty patient (or maybe just resigned?) thus far, but I think I’m going to pull out the big guns on Monday and lock her in the bathroom with nothing but a few books to keep her busy, no diaper, and a potty, and not let her come out until she produces the messy stuff in the potty. Of course I’ll bring her some food, but hopefully it will be a boring enough day that she will be motivated to go on the potty after that. If not, we’ll do it until she gets it. One thing I love about Katelyn is that she wakes up every day with a smile on her face, and she greets me with an enthusiasm that tells me she knows I’m happy to see her. If only all my kids felt that every day! Katelyn must have music playing in her head because half the time she dances around wherever she goes. She has such a cute little mischievous face, you always suspect she’s up to something. Somehow, she manages to be delightful anyway. She is notorious for stealing other people’s treats. I discovered her recently stealing her sister’s chips and told her, “She will be so sad if you take her chips.” She corrected me, “Her not be sad, her will be mad!” She defended her disobedience in leaving her bedroom after I had already tucked her in by explaining, “I didn’t want to go out, my feet wanted to!” She still doesn’t pronounce her “r’s” correctly, and we all love to hear her say things like “I’ggh” (arrgh) and “hights” (hearts) and “doy” (door). Several times when I have been tucking her in at night, she has told me “I hope a package of Barbie toys will come to our house tomorrow.” I don’t think she understands that things don’t just show up when you wish for them, nor does she understand that I am in de-junking mode right now. Jonathan is 18 months old. He is such a funny little guy. For at least six months now, he has been in the habit of hitting his head on things when he is upset or wants attention. Daniel has told me several times that I need to take Jonathan to a psychiatrist to have him evaluated because he has probably already caused himself brain damage. At first, I laughed at his funny joke, but then realized he was serious, and wondered whether I should be worried, too. Jonathan is always the first one to fold his arms whenever we say the word “prayer”. Jonathan has picked up some pretty good soccer moves from watching his siblings play. He is not a superstar talker, so it is startling to hear him say his favorite word, “Uh-oh” very clearly and in a surprisingly low baby boy voice. Jon-Jon loves his dad. 99 times out of 100 he would choose his dad over me, and yet I adore the boy. It’s the whole package – the soft, round little features, the sometimes shy, innocent gaze, the fiery red hair with the adorable eye-of-the-hurricane cowlick on the back of his head, the determination packaged in that tiny little body that makes it possible for him to scale beds and tables and counters to get to things he should not. He has not been my cuddly boy since he was about eight months old, but I use every excuse I can to pick him up and squeeze him until he wriggles out of my grasp to go find some other trouble. Did you make it through all ten kids? That’s a lot of words to read, because that’s a lot of life to sum up! Isn’t it crazy and wonderful? Just a quick report on my adventures: Hugh was kind and brave enough to let me go to Michigan in June to be with my parents and six of my siblings. I treasure our late-night conversations, delicious meals, and most of all, the relationships I have with each of them. After those five days of relaxation, it was a bit of a shock to come back to my normal life with all the demands and responsibilities that go with the life I have chosen. But I am grateful for it, and though sometimes I feel like I’m treading water just trying to stay on top of everything, I also have many moments of joy and a peace that what I am doing is worthwhile. I’m grateful that Hugh is such a constant, steady force in my life, and that he works so hard to provide for us. I may not feel it every minute of the day, but when I am conscious enough to notice it, life is wonderful.