Before I begin telling you about my day, let me set the record straight. Personally, I do not consider myself a naturally motivated/ing person. If you tell me you are struggling with this or that as a mom, I'll chime in with you. If you feel lazy, I'll hop in your boat. If you need some help lessening the pressures on yourself, I'll talk you into it. Social media has probably helped out with the 'bandwagon of mom-frustration' quite a bit and I'll admit it has its advantages. I'm all for being authentic and truly try to be honest about the ups and downs of my life. However, there needs to be another side to all this and it needs to be equally strong.
This morning I woke up early and went to workout. As I was driving to my class, I realized I'd already done the hardest part: getting up and getting in the car. Even though I was tired, and I wasn't really looking forward to working out, I knew the choice part was over. Where else would I drive except to my class at 5:40am? Yes, I could give 80% instead of 100 but I was still going to get a workout in.
When I arrived home, all 3 children were up and I had about 20 things to do in the next 45 minutes to get them out the door (not Macy of course). Before anyone said anything I was already feeling sorry for myself that so much is demanded of me the moment my feet hit the floor. The breakfast, the lunch sacks, the questions about homework and forms, the "where is my sweatshirt", etc. And let's not forget the constant whining from Macy about what show she wants, what food she wants, what food she doesn't want, what show she doesn't want, etc. The bottom line when it comes to this was I didn't want to be a mom today. That sounds so terrible when I type it (not as terrible in my head). I couldn't think my way out of it. I simply wanted to walk out the door, drive to work, and sit down (sit down!!!) at a desk and punch the keyboard all day. What a luxury. Of course, I know what that's like. I did it for many many years. And honestly that isn't what I really want. But I didn't want to care for 3 other people that desperately needed me and I didn't want to care for my home that was lacking in the cleanliness department.
For 30 minutes after the boys went to school, I had a war with myself over how this day would go. There was the reality of what needs to happen, and there was the reality that I didn't feel like doing any of it. But the other reality was I couldn't accept not doing it. The idea of a "day off" or a "recoup day" wasn't even appealing because I knew this was more than just needing a break. This was settling my mind and heart about my responsibilities in this life. I sat down and opened a devotional dated for today. It instructed me to read Psalm 95: 1-7. I read it. I read it aloud. I sang the song (the oldie but goody). I felt like God was telling me to do it again, and again, and again. So I did. And I could honestly feel myself fighting in my head the choice to let go. I wanted to hang onto this frustration and annoyance. I didn't want to lay it down and focus on who God is and how amazing He is. But with time, I did. And God took it a step further. When His Word said,
"Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord,
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
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Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song"
I felt Him saying, "do it. Sing to Me." Again, I thought about fighting it. But I thought, maybe singing would actually turn this around, as silly as it sounds. So Macy and I ended up sitting down and spending 15 minutes or so singing children's devotional songs. Even Macy didn't want to at first, but I pushed on. At the end, she was in a better mood and I was beginning to feel better too. If nothing else, I was glad I obeyed.
As this is getting to be lengthy, I will not detail out the rest of my day. But I will say that for the rest of today, I did two things that I normally cannot do in the same day: get a lot of genuinely good cleaning done and spend quality creative lovely time with Macy. I could feel God directing me with what to do next, how to speak to Macy, and simply putting one foot in front of the other. By the time 1:30 rolled around, I was amazed that nothing had been neglected and Macy wasn't melting down.
When I tried to think through how today actually happened I thought, "Every time I felt a push to not do something, I mentally pushed back harder". Devotionals, cleaning, parenting, exercise, attitude adjustment, whatever it may be, it's a choice! It sounds kind of simplistically stupid, but it really boils down to a choice to move forward or stand still. I wanted to write this post as a reminder to myself how much God loves me and wants me to succeed at the obligations He's given me. I also wanted to encourage other moms with this since sometimes it can be hard to find something other than mom-pity blogs. The jobs we have as mothers are not small or insignificant or easy. There will always be days when we need to take a step back and reassess things. But as we move forward, let's do just that , move forward and not dance with laziness, discontent, or selfish motives. And when in doubt, just sing!! :)
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