Warning: This is one of THOSE posts. Long, lots of words and introspection. Don't read if you don't care. I'll never know ;)
It's taken me awhile to finish this post. I've gone back and forth deciding if I want to write about it at all. At first it was too raw. But now, a couple of months later, I think I'm toward the end of processing all of this, and writing is therapeutic for me, so why not? Besides, maybe something I've learned along the way will resonate with someone out there who can benefit from all my rambling.
So Dallin, Daphne and I auditioned for the Sound of Music on May 10th and 11th.
I honestly felt that I was in a really good place going into auditions, and totally prepared for any outcome. I had prepared, taken extra voice lessons and was ready to do my best, and felt that if I was cast as Maria, I would do a REALLY good job. But I was also thinking that if we didn't do Sound of Music, it would mean that our summer would be less crazy, and I'd have more time with my family and maybe even get to take a family trip that we'd have to give up if we did Sound of Music.
Anyway, I was a little bummed when Dallin and Daphne did not get called back because I had imagined us doing it all together. They handled it like champs, though. My call backs were on Mother's Day. They were 4 hours long. I missed the dinner Arthur and the kids made for me. And I had to kiss someone who wasn't my husband. (I still can't believe they made us do that at an audition!) I felt like it was basically between me and another gal who came in at the last minute. She waltzed into auditions in her yoga pants and fun sense of humor and knew everybody and I'm wondering if they asked her to audition because she wasn't there for the Saturday auditions. And then I had to wait two eternal days to find out if I made it or not, piecing the cast together in my mind all different ways and trying to figure out what the director had been looking for.
Finally, on Wednesday morning, I got a call from the stage manager offering me a part in the women's ensemble. I thanked them for considering me, but told her I couldn't justify the time commitment for an ensemble role if my children were not cast. Then I hung up the phone and sobbed. And sobbed and sobbed.
I was devastated. I was devastated because not getting this part was the death of a dream. I've imagined myself playing Maria since I was little. This was my chance. But they chose Zoe, the yoga pants girl. The next time a local theater company does "The Sound of Music" I'll be too old. Besides, the stars have to align for me to do a show anyway. I have to not be pregnant, or have a baby that's too young, and the schedule has to be relatively clear, and the show has to be right.
Also, I was mad. Mad that I sat through 4 hours of callbacks on Mother's Day for nothing. Mad that I had to kiss some other guy for nothing. Mad that it seemed like they already knew who they wanted to cast, and wasted my time and my Mother's Day dinner.
When Arthur and I got married, I eliminated most of the romantic leads from my bucket list of roles I wanted to play, so I wouldn't have to kiss anybody else. I did however, keep two on my list: The Music Man, and The Sound of Music. Arthur and I talked about these two shows and he figured that after 15 years of marriage, he felt secure enough for me to audition for SOM. After I told Arthur about the audition kiss, he didn't say much to me for 2 hours. (Neither one of us was really prepared for that one, I guess.)
Anyway, I mourned for a day, (and then a few more,) the loss of my SOM dream. Each day, I made myself do something I didn't want to do, like put on jeans instead of stretchy pants, or make my bed, or put in my contacts, or blow-dry my hair. Those things didn't ever happen on the same day, but it was progress. Kind-of.
But as I began moving past the Sound of Music mourning period, it mutated into something else a little worse. It was a full-fledged motherhood meltdown. It kind-of felt like a piece of me died. I didn't want to sing. It was a childish-stubborn-tantrum thing, like if I couldn't use my voice for what I want, then I didn't want to use it at all. I didn't sing--really sing-- for a couple of months. (Because the hymns in church don't really count--you can get away with barely singing those.) And I never even had an urge to sit down at the piano and sing like I've done since I was old enough to accompany myself on the piano.
Additionally, I started to feel very angry and resentful about all the chores I spend my life doing. Laundry and dishes and picking up the house constantly. It's tedious and frustrating and SO BORING!! I think for awhile I'd had the idea in my mind that I was fine doing all that stuff if I got to break out of my "boring motherhood" box to do something fun and exciting and creative. In this case, that fun, exciting, creative thing was being in a show.
So when The Sound of Music didn't pan out, suddenly I had this crisis where I was wondering about my role as a mother. I've been taught, and I believe, that there is nothing more important I could be doing, but if that was true, why didn't it feel like enough? I thought about that a lot. And as I thought of the things that I love about being a mom, I realized, sadly, those things are the ones that I spend the least amount of time on. The bulk of my time is taken up on stuff that I hate, so I decided to let some of that go and make time to do puzzles and color with and listen to my children. So that was good. (And something that I constantly need to work on balancing.)
But I still felt black inside. I was really struggling with this issue of wanting to use my talents to perform and frustrated that it wasn't working out for me, when I've been so careful about what shows I audition for and the timing for our family etc. Also, I feel like I have used my talents primarily for helping others prepare to perform in teaching voice and piano, and directing ward and stake choirs and youth pageants and Children's Music Theater. And I LOVE all of those things, and find them very fulfilling and I love that I've had countless opportunities like these to help others use and develop their talents and praise the Lord through song. But God gave
me a voice too.
There was one more show coming up in the near-ish future that I've been waiting for over 10 years for somebody to do. Albuquerque Little Theater has "The King and I" in their 2014-15 season. So my hopes rose a little bit in anticipation of possibly getting to play "Anna" in that show. After all, there are only a handful of female musical leads that do not require any kissing, and she is one of them. But as I looked at the dates of the show, I realized, that they conflict with the 2015 Youth Conference that I will be directing, (presumably.) Really? Again, with the wrong timing? Finally along comes a show that I love, I've been waiting for, AND that has no kissing in it, and it just happens to conflict with the Youth Conference that I'm involved in that only occurs every four years? Will I ever have a chance to use my voice? When will it be my turn to sing?
All of these things combined put me in a really dark place. A friend of mine commented that I was missing the "Sharee twinkle." I knew it wasn't there, but I didn't know it was obvious to other people looking at me. I struggled and struggled for a few weeks hoping I'd come around eventually. But my mindset seemed to be getting worse, and it was affecting my ability to contribute to the family, so finally I asked Arthur for a blessing. When I told him everything that I'd been thinking about and struggling with, he didn't really know what to say. And who can blame him? I didn't have any answers either!
He then proceeded to give me a blessing that changed my heart. And of course it is personal so I won't go into all of the beautiful words that were spoken, but through it all, we both felt such an outpouring of love from our Heavenly Father, it's difficult to describe. I think maybe that had been a crucial missing piece of my heart during those weeks of struggling. I wasn't feeling the Lord's love for me, in fact, I think I was almost blaming Him that I hadn't achieved a dream I'd worked hard to achieve. And I wasn't feeling a lot of love for my family either. I'd gotten very wrapped up in MY hopes and MY dreams that my entire outlook had become very focused inward.
It's interesting how the spirit works, because there wasn't really much council given in that blessing that I didn't know already, but somehow once my heart had been opened to feeling the Lord's love for me, those truths were carried deep inside me. Truths like the Lord is aware of me and the desires of my heart and He
loves me. I was told that as I put the kingdom of God first, all other things will be added unto me. And that as I search the scriptures I will learn attributes of my Savior and Heavenly Father that I should try to emulate in my own life.
I was promised that I would have opportunities to use my talents, and when those words were spoken, I felt that those opportunities may not necessarily be the ones that I would pick for myself. But they would be better. There was also direction given to Arthur and I regarding our family that we both needed to hear and that we may not have received had I not had to come to the point of needing a priesthood blessing.
Going into auditions, I would never have guessed that I'd have fallen so completely apart at the outcome, nor that the ensuing struggle I faced would result in a blessing that has really healed my heart. But I'm grateful for all of those experiences. I have so much to learn. And so much that it seems I have to keep learning over and over and over again. I'm thankful for a husband who honors his priesthood and who has my back even when I have a major motherhood meltdown. And I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me and is patient and willing to help me learn the same lessons as often as I need repeating them.
