The Man Who Knew Too Little

• I went to Taco Bell on Tuesday. I ordered my food from a seemingly normal woman in her early 40s. After I got my food and was headed out the door, she asked me if I worked in home health care. Again the people in my head wanted to say one of two things: 1. "No, I just really like their shirts and badges" or 2. "No, this is just a Halloween costume." Of course, I wasn't smart enough to actually say those things and get out of the conversation. When I said yes, she went in to this huge story about how she messed up her knee. I thought she was going to say something about how it was so great having a home health care worker to assist her in her time of need. NOPE! She told me how it led to her getting a DUI. She even told me that she passed the breathalyzer test and the blood test, but they still gave her a DUI. THEN! the same officer would always come to Taco Bell and ask her for free drinks. So, let me get this straight. You passed all the legal tests, yet the still gave you a DUI. I didn't think that was possible, but OKAY. Then the officer who threw the book at you and DIDN'T help you out in any way, is asking for free drinks? HMMMMM..... I shouldn't judge, but maybe someone needs to lay off the sauce when they are at work too! I don't know why they would ever give a DUI to her, but more importantly, I still have no idea what the point of her story was. I am sure it has some deep philosophical meaning, it will just take me a long time to decipher the code.


• The other day I had a quick stop where I only had to replenish the IV medicine for a patient who has been on our service for quite some time. As I was getting the things out of the cooler (like I have with her a million times before) she said, "No, no! Come in to give it to me." All of these damn Mormons see you with a cooler and think they have to bring me a meal or something." I tried to joke around by saying, "ah, they are not very good cooks, huh?" She said, "no, all of their food is great, but it also makes me fat!" Three things stood out to me in this situation: #1- I am a "damn Mormon," at least....I think. #2 The medicine this woman is taking is a substance to promote weight gain. She takes it because her body does not maintain her weight on its own. So, my simple brain wonders how exactly their food makes her fat? I mean do they infuse it with some special "damn Mormon" sauce? Wait, I know. She is referencing the scripture about the soul delighting in fatness. Sorry, it just took me a minute. By the way, YES, she was serious! #3-I don't think that my little cooler with medicine is the giveaway for the neighbors. I doubt it, but it might be the enormous van that is plastered like a billboard with its blinkers on parked in front of your house the whole time I am here. But, then again, what do I know?

1. One of my co-workers was telling me about an equipment setup they were performing in a home. They told how the patient's spouse was their cousin, and what a small world it was. They were nonchalantly telling the story, and saying that while they were bending over to plug in the equipment a voice from behind them said, "hey, I know you." I laughed as I asked, "how well does your cousin know your backside?"
2. Today our dispatcher informed me that there was a dwarf/little person, anxiously awaiting some equipment. He explained that the person was being a real pain. He therefore decided that since this guy was such a pain that I (the tallest person we have) should make the delivery. I thought his little plan was somewhat humorously evil, as I remarked that things like this are going to seal his fate in the underworld. I did as he asked; smirking, and shaking my head all the while, wondering who even thinks of stuff like this.
3. While talking with one of my co-workers about the previous turn of events, we decided that when he goes to hell, he might be awfully disappointed when he finds out that Satan is only 3'8" tall. Even more disappointed when he hears that Satan was watching today's events.
4. I was talking with a friend. He was informing me that police officers are now ticketing more to make up for lost tax revenue in the recent economic down turn. With complete innocence he stated that he "has a friend who's girlfriend works for the Highway Patrol, and looks and acts like a man." He went on to say that she told him all about it. I think he and I were both very confused afterwards why he felt it necessary to say that she looks and acts like a man, but it was funny nonetheless.
5. I had a phone call on my phone that I didn't recognize, but thought it could be a certain person. I answered it and said "hello." The guy on the other line said, "this isn't John Smith (can't remember the real name) is it?" I said, "no, sorry it looks like you have the wrong number." He said, "yeah I figured, I know his number is something similar to this, so I am calling all the numbers like this to find him." I laughed as I thought to myself that his particular method for reaching his friend may just be the least effective on the planet.
6. I found myself in a conversation today in which I had to defend my position. I feel that people who cannot grow a very thick mustache, but choose to grow one nonetheless, usually look like child molesters. I am not saying that they are or aren't, I am just saying that I choose to avoid the appearance of evil. I laughed as I wondered how I end up in conversations such as this one.
7. I have a friend that I have known for many years. All the time I have known her, I have had deep suspicions that she was a lesbian. I never really worried about it, knowing that it would not change anything in our relationship. Today I met some distant relatives of hers. They kept referring to her by a different name. I asked them if they were referring to the same person because I knew her as "blank." They just matter of fact said, "oh yeah, she sort of changed her name to sound manly when she told everyone she was lesbian and started living the alternative lifestyle. Okay, I definitely have punctuation at the end of a sentence that has been in my mind for years.
8. I was working on my computer early this morning. There was a re-run of "The Weakest Link" game show on. I was not paying attention to it in the least, until a guy who had just been voted off, angrily said that following: "The only thing that Grace did right in that round was shut her mouth just long enough to yell out BANK!" I may not be an expert, but that is impressive that she can "yell out" bank! while keeping her "mouth shut". She should try a career as a ventriloquist.
9. I was helping a patient with some concerns she had regarding her oxygen. She said that she thought her oxygen was making her sick and she was fearful that it was giving her pneumonia. I tried to nicely reassure her that it was an unlikely cause of her illness, and that she never needs to worry that it would give her pneumonia. She become very insistent, kept questioning, completely disagreed, and then was insistent to know my reasoning. I explained that oxygen therapy is almost always used in the treatment of pneumonia, therefore it is EXTREMELY unlikely to CAUSE pneumonia.

Dear Diary,

Things have been sooooo weird today. Let me explain below:

Episode #1

Strangely enough, my day started in the morning. The previous day also ended this morning after going and seeing the new "Angels and Demons" movie, but I digress. As I do most mornings I showered and got ready for the day. I then ran around and gathered all my stuff for the day. As I was walking out the front door, I noticed a car parked in the street. I know what you may be thinking. A car? In the street and everything? But wait, there's more. There was a man sitting in it too! Behind the wheel! I watched this man for a moment from a safe distance. I then double checked to make sure the door on the house was locked. I started my car, and backed it slowly out the driveway. I then decided that the location this man had parked in was not a normal parking spot. Further, someone sitting in their car for a long time while it is parked is not "normal." I took down the man's license plate and a description of his vehicle. Then I decided it was now or never! I brazenly backed my vehicle out of the driveway, threw the vehicle into "D" (for daring) and inched the couple of feet up to his window. With my most stern, tough guy voice, I bellowed, "hey, how is it going? Is there someone I could help you find or are you are lost or something?" He suddenly stared back with a look of fear in his eyes (okay, he really DID seem to be scared diary, for reals). He then said, "no man, I am good, I was waiting for a buddy to call me about some work, but I was just leaving, I am totally out of here." Exact words diary, I kid you not! He then raced away about as fast as he could. I am sure he had NO bad intentions whatsoever! I would scoff at anyone were they to suggest otherwise. I mean the fact that he was sitting in a random spot, was trying to lie low, was as freaked out as he could possibly be when I approached him, etc......means absolutely nothing! Besides, he may have just been freaked out because I made the "Large Marge" face from the movie "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" when I talked to him. Let's just pretend that I kept my house or one of the neighbors from being robbed today, to make me feel special, okay diary?



Episode #2

At my work there are three or so black cats. Diary I am sorry, but I do not care for cats in the least! It doesn't help that I am also allergic. Any vehicle I am driving seems to flirt with having an alignment problem when a cat enters any roadway I am traversing. So, I guess one of these cats has had kittens. So, today there was a woman at work who was trying to catch Mama cat and all her little kittens and take them to a vet, or the Humane Society or something to make sure they are in good health. Someone asked her why she cared so much about the stupid cats (that person was NOT me diary, even if I was thinking it all the while). She expressed her concern about their well-being. She then went on to say that she had three cats of her own. She told everyone how her cats saved her life on more then one occasion, yet failed to mention how. I mean, I KNOW (from many past experiences) that you can't die from a lack of dating diary, so I would like to know how exactly the cats saved her life! She said that cats are her favorite things on the entire planet and that they are her favorite animals. She said just how much she loves them. Just then.........A SHOCKER! This woman announced that she really doesn't just have 3 cats.......she has 10! I feel like I had been watching a soap opera and we just all found out that the real father of the baby was Dr. Rosenrosen. Who would have seen this coming?!!!! Just as the suspense was building she announced that she was going to take them to the Humane Society. She then said that she didn't care if they put the cats to sleep, she just didn't want anyone to harm them in an inhumane way. WHAT?!!! Diary, I think this lady's cheese slid off her cracker. She loves cats that much and she doesn't care if they die as long as they die at the hands of Dr. Kevorkian instead of some OTHER weirdo? I can't understand why she can't take all 6 of the kittens and the 3 big cats to live at the "feline plantation" that she must currently have at home, but who I am to judge? Some mysteries we will never figure out diary.



Episode #3

Just when I thought the weirdness of the day was over, I drove around to see this!
Who are these heartless people? Why would they possibly want to starve poor families, who really just want to eat?!! Perhaps this is just the inflation I have been hearing about, but I can't take it anymore! Think of all the people who are going to starve to death in Ogden. How can prices drastically change so quickly?!! How can anyone afford ground beef at $189.00/pound. At least it's a family pack! Even worse diary: I can see in my mind hens everywhere laughing as humans struggle to pay the $500.00 for 3, 18 packs of eggs. I mean that works out to be about $167.00/package, OR $9.26/egg! Finally, I thought Idahoans and Utahns were close friends. Apparently it is just about the almighty buck with them! They have the nerve to charge $229.00 for a 10 lb. bag of potatoes. Who do they think they are? What kind of world are we living in. I will tell you the most strange thing of all diary. The only place that seemed to have any decimal points on their prices in that WHOLE city were the gas stations. All I am saying is that we had better just keep this between you and I. If the terrorists in the middle east found out how much profit they were losing by allowing decimal points on the prices at the gas station, they would go berserk! I know ALL my secrets are safe with you diary. Good night for now.

Mother's Day always causes me to reflect and be thankful. I am thankful to my own Mother. I am also thankful for Tinkerbell and McQueen's Mom for bringing the kids to this world. I also am thankful for the dream of a sweet, wonderful, woman who I can hope to one day be married to and have more children with.

I would be very ungrateful if I didin't express my thankfulness for my great Mother. My Mother is an amazing woman who I am so very grateful for. She has always had a quiet, charitable nature to her. She has never worried about winning any popularity contests, and has in fact steered about as far from the lime-light as possible. Despite all of this, she serves, cares, and is there for each of us. She will quietly do anything anyone asks, yet she flies under the radar all the while. Hers is a life of quiet, kind, service. Even after giving so much from her heart, she never values any possession of hers too much to share. She has never been one to choose the popularity of the world, or even the popularity of her children, in pursuit of what she believes is right. Because of this, she has definitely won the popularity of her children and grandchildren. I am thankful for her love which is everlasting and true. She constantly encourages and uplifts each of us and indeed those all around her. She is the first to say she is sorry or to admit her faults, all the while being the first to overlook mistakes or faults in others. I am so very grateful for this wonderful woman who has given me so much for 29 years.

I truly admire Mothers everywhere. The love, kindness, compassion, and sweetness woman can possess is absolutely amazing. I think that too often women go through life comparing or thinking of their inadequacies. While no one is perfect, I believe that a Mother who really cares and selflessly serves her family is incredible. Still others we could call Mothers, who are only missing children of their own. They serve all the children they come in contact with. Just like any Mother, they serve with kindness, sweetness, and genuine love. I am so very grateful for the examples of amazing women who care so much for their children that they could only be called Mother. Loving Mothers are such amazing, special people. Their capacity for nurturing, caring, and loving for their children is so great. I hope any Mother who reads this can know of their special nature. It does not matter exactly what activities are done with your children, how clean your home, is or anything else. Being a Mother transcends the judgments (or even perceived judgments) of the world. A Mother needs only worry about doing right by her children and her family. All that matters to a real Mother is that they are important to their children. A child can feel the love of their Mother, and know that they have a special place in her heart. I admire and respect the example and strength of any loving Mother I come in contact with. Mothers have to be the most amazing creation of our Heavenly Father.

• The kids were drinking some apple juice the other day. McQueen commented about how yummy it was. Tinkerbell then said, "yeah, and it helps you have soft poops too!"
• Anytime I ask McQueen to do something like clean up his toys, his response is: "BOOOORINNGG!"
• We were playing "Go Fish" yesterday. Tinkerbell asked McQueen if he had a card. He happily responded, "yes I do, but it is NOT for sale."
• We were leaving Target today. There was a woman in a wheelchair who had lost her leg. She had a prosthetic leg in its place. The kids asked what happened to her leg. I told them that she somehow must have gotten it cut off. McQueen then said, "well it is a good thing she didn't loose her foot too, or else she wouldn't be able to wear shoes." I thought that was pretty funny. Then Tinkerbell was bold enough to go up to the woman and tell her that "it is okay, you will get your leg back in the resurrection." There are not many situations where you can be completely mortified of your child and proud of them at the same time. This was definitely one of them. Fortunately the sweet lady responded, "yes, that is right!"
• Tinkerbell had a scab on her knee. I asked her what happened to her knee. She said, "well, we were playing outside at Mommy's and I really wanted some potato chips, but she wouldn't let me have anymore. McQueen told me to sneak in the back door and get some, so I did. The fifth time that I did it though, I fell down and scraped up my knee." Nothing like a brother to teach you stuff like that, huh?
• Tinkerbell asked why I hadn't mowed the lawn. I told her that it was too rainy. She asked why I didn't do it on one of the sunny days. I told her that I didn't have any time on the days that it had been sunny. She somberly said, "oh, I wish we had a cow so that it would at least eat our grass normal."