Ok. I am running. Well not the past 7 days due to the "cootie" fairy. I am going to resume this as soon as my family looks away. (HeHe feels kinda sneaky. Maybe will be more motivation. Nah!) So, as I said, I am running. I have my shoes, the correct "fluffy" girls pants so the belly doesn't hang out and there won't be any friction burns in the places only "fluffy" girls can understand, and long shirt (just in case the pants do slip). I am doing the C25K program. It makes sense. I am glad this illness fell where it did. I was able to do some research. A wonderful blogger gave me some tips on books to check out. "The Complete Book of Running for Women" by Claire Kowalchik is amazing. It answered questions I had when I was running in high school. Many of the reasons I quit running is because of silly things I could have prevented, if I had only known. I am ready to do this. I am running for me. I am running to have time for me, to be a better and happier person, to be healthy, to be a great mom to my girl and any future kids we may have, and finally to have something I can possibly do with my husband. I put that last because it is a perk more than a reason. Anyone who knows him, knows that if he does anything, he does it 110%. I am "using" him for his knowledge. He has been very supportive and as I told someone who was concerned him helping may not be the best idea." I have no problem telling him where to take the advice if I don't agree". Jason is very competitive. (that is still putting it mildly) He enjoys the competition, the time it takes to get the upper hand. I know I will never compete with him, but to know he is there and is supporting me to do my best ROCKS! I am going to log my miles here. My good days and bad. I am also trying to lose my negative thoughts. It is a process, but time and persistence is the key to all things worthy. Tomorrow I will walk to see where I am and to not push my luck. When Jason raced cross country dirtbikes, I always told him "Race Your Race". That is how I will sign off. Race Your Race! See you all soon!

My friend, Amber, has been in town. Sunday she hung out with us until about 10:30. I had put Tia in bed around 9:15. Her daddy had promised he would read her new book. At 10:30 she was still awake just waiting for her Daddy. This morning when I went to get her up to go to Gigi and Papa's, she said she was too tired.
Me: You have to get up, Mommy has to go to work.
T: But the Sun is not up.
Me: Yes it is. Your blinds are closed, so you can not see the sun. Get Up.
T: (her feet on the floor but rest of her body was still in her bed) Ok, but I am not opening my eyes,

I have a feeling that she is sooo my daughter and the teenage years may be very interesting.
C-

I am adopted. Most everyone who has ever been in my presence longer than 30 minutes knows this. It is something I am very proud of. I am proud of Sue Ellen for have the courage at 19 to make such a tough decision. I am proud of my parents for making me think/feel it was the norm to come from an office not a hospital and to be adopted ROCKED! AS you will note I said my parents....No they are not biologically my parents, but for those who are parents keep reading...Parents are not those who had intercourse and birthed you. They are the ones who cried, laughed and sometimes tormented you. They sat by your crib/bed and prayed they would do right by you. They clapped for all your firsts and punished for the firsts that were not correct (like flipping someone off and saying "FU too", forgetting your parents are right behind you..soap on your toothbrush is not nice at all. I never claimed to be a genius). My parents are who raised me and helped me to become who I am. This is the same thing I am doing for my daughter and everyone does for their kids. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my birth mom too. I am comfortable with her. It is like that person you meet and instantly have a connection with. See she didn't have to raise me so our relationship can be different. My rant is coming from something someone said to me last week. It was at my new job. They overheard another conversation and then began to ask me about my adoption, parents and biomom. The they said well if I was your mom I would be so offended that after everything I did for you, you went and found some else. OK HOLD UP A MINUTE! WTF? First, I have known my whole life I was adopted. It is a good thing. Second, my parents have known from early on I was curious. I have been honest, albeit difficult at times to discuss. It is a very raw, emotional, no set way to handle process. AND IT IS A PROCESS! I am just furious that someone who knows nothing about me, my family, or my history has enough balls to say such a thing. It actually has made me angry at work. Hopefully after posting this I will feel better. If for some reason they read it, they will know who they are. Maybe they will think next time before they make such assumptions. I know this has never been easy on any one involved in this. You know you think about the adoptive parents, the kid, and the bio mom/dad. Guess what? I have siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Adoptive and Biologic this has all effected. An aunt who did not understand why I was given up, Grandparents who were doing what was best for their child, other grandparents who were ecstatic their kids were going to be parents. A husband who watched me go through this and just held my hand while scared at the same time my world would crush around me. Adoption is a multifaceted thing and very enter twined. No one can understand unless you have a role in the immediate parts. There are so many reasons that adoption is done in the first place. Not many people have to wonder how they were conceived but I did. I had no idea if it was rape, incest, or if they loved each other and I was just an oops! ( it was love by the way) There is no doubt in every inch that is my soul....I was to be Courtney Hunt from the day I was conceived. For some reason this is what each of us had to go through to become who we are, but it has never no will it ever be a negative, spiteful type of thing. I have heard it said that you can't imagine how you will love a second child like you love your first yet when they get there yo can't imagine life without them....The truth is the same with this. Before my Biofam came into my life I had no idea I could love that family as I love my family but I do. It is different but it is deep and loving and something just as special and wonderful. I have more people who love me, my husband and daughter and who we love. How can that ever be seen as anything but BEAUTIFUL? If you ever have time to hear the WHOLE story it is fascinating. Things that took place for me to be who I am, there was Divine Intervention. My story is one off beauty, love and pain. It is also amazing. I am so lucky, blessed, and fortunate. (yes all 3) I just had a sigh of relief. This is something I needed to do. I have plans for my future and dealing with adoption. I hope my dreams will come true to help others out there find their peace and to help some not be so oblivious.

Tia stated at dinner she had to go pee pee potty. Got her out of her chair and sent her on her way. She comes back post pee pee and washing of hands. She has toilet paper in her hands. Conversation as follows.
Me: What is that
Tia: Toilet paper
Me: Is it what you wiped with
Tia: Huh
Me: Did you use that toilet paper to wipe after you pee peed
Tia: Look it's a baby in a blanket (she starts singing the song I sing her at night)
Me: Tia Grace. Is that the paper you wiped your tutu with?
Tia: (smirks) no
Me: (no laughing and snorting, I know horrible) DID You use the toilet paper to wipe your tutu once you peed
Tia: (silence)

This leads me to believe that my daughter was indeed playing with the toilet paper she used to wipe with. Mental note...she is not ready to pee by herself. UGH!
Although it did take me a while to stop laughing uncontrollably even though I was disgusted.

I am currently at work. As you can see, it is not too bad. We had the most wonderful lunch. It was prepared by my friend Les. She is one of the kindest people in this world. My coworker Leslie, brought a wonderful cheesecake. We all sat and ate. (This is a uncommon occurrence if you work in a hospital) All of us oohing and ahhing over the spaghetti that I can't even put into words how yummy it is. Eva, a nurse on the night shift brought in a homemade cake that she decorated. Currently, I am smelling the icing and wanting to run my finger through it. Did I mention I am at work. I try very hard to not put my fingers in my mouth here. Even after washings it still has the alcohol foam we use in and out of every room. Not a pleasant taste I might add. I have been here for 4 years. The majority of my nursing career. I got pregnant while working here, had Tia, closed our business, and moved. I have lost some dear friends and family during this time to illness. I have watched people come close to death and miraculously survive. I have seen those who should be going home decide it was their time to "Go Home" and not step foot out of this hospital. I have been called every name in the book. including (my sis-in-laws favorite) a GD lazy no good whore. That was a fun day? I have been puked on, pooed on, peed on, bled on. I have seen heaven and hell. I have hated this place and loved it more than I could imagine all in the same breath. I have made friends that I hope I will never lose. Working in the ICU, you become family. You spend 12 hours a day with each other. You know the good and the really bad of each person. No one else can understand except for another nurse. You get frustrated when you do everything and someone still dies. You cry on the way home b/c that patient you have taken care of for the past two weeks won't be there when you get back. This day brings a rush of emotion that I was not prepared for. I have never left a job when I wasn't past the point of hating everything about it. I love Baylor Waxahachie. They honestly have the best doctors and staff. They care for their patients like family. I wish I was able to continue on here, but after much thought and prayer it is time for me to move on. I will still receive my care here, as will my family. To those who will read this from there. I love you all and you will have a place in my heart forever. Well, 3 hours to go and I will no longer be an employee in Waxahachie. Fort Worth here I come!

We dropped Tia off at St. Matt's this morning. She was so excited to be going to school. She immediately told everyone her name and fell in love with her teacher. It helped that the teacher asked her if she wanted to paint. Tia said "YES" like are you crazy I love it! I was afraid I was going to have to leave Jason with her since he kept going back for one more look. I can't believe how quiet the house is. I get to blog without having to get up 3 times to be Mommy!

Recently someone told me they didn't see how I go to work after having a baby. I had no choice. J had his own business and I was the breadwinner. It sucked to say the least. A year later we closed the business, Jason went to work for Whole Foods, it got better. I changed my hours, we both worked our butts off to save some money and we sold some land. After 11 years I got to move back home. Given I now have to work 36 hours a week, but I get to start doing what I love. I do miss some days with my girl. I lose sleep b/c I am trying too get ahead so I can make more money to hopefully work less hours as she gets older. All and all today I knew we were doing the right thing. See I feel so selfish sometimes. If we had stayed in Ennis, I could probably stay home or at least work a day a week. I hated that house. To the point I would not invite others over due to I HATED that house. I have a house I am now proud of and a place I love to call home. Jason and I talk about how this truly feels like home. The 11 years we have been together, we have never been home. Now we are. Today, my girl, my beautiful Tia Grace, played in our yard for 2 hours. Running and playing and driving her Barbie car. Completely happy in her "Backyardigans" I am jealous of those who get to be there every day for every second. Please know I never judge any of you. Someday I will be at every game and every play, but today I have to miss some moments and relish in the ones I get like today watching Jason chase Tia around the yard trying to keep her out of the trees. :) (and know we made the right choice)