So...my bags are packed and I am one foot out the door. Really, it's not all that serious.

It's time for a new blog. Well, same content (life after infertility and everything in between), but I needed a new space and couldn't seem to get this one just right. After some urging from my better half, I have decided to pack up and move to a new platform and a new URL.

If you feel so inclined, hop on over and pay me a visit. I'd love to have you.

www.babymoxieblog.com


*Other foot is officially out the door.

Dear Eisley,

Well, here it is. The day has come, and you, my dear, are now one entire year old. This time last year, Mommy and Daddy were headed bright and early to the hospital to prepare to bring you into the world. You took some time making your entrance, and at exactly 6:07 pm you arrived. The first time we laid eyes on you and heard your sweet cry we fell in love with you more than either of your parents ever thought was possible. Daddy kept you company while the nurses weighed you and made sure you were okay, and you took the time to let him know that you already recognized him by wrapping your tiny little hand around his finger. Mommy suspects that it was that exact moment that you stole his heart.

When they placed your little swaddled warm body in my arms and our eyes met, I honestly couldn’t believe it. You see, Mommy and Daddy often refer to you as ‘the survivor’. You were the strongest one. There is much more to that story, and one day we will share everything with you. Just know that we are forever thankful for your strength and resiliency.

We look at you today and are constantly amazed by the wonderful child in our presence. You are so sweet and good-natured, and quite a social little being (possibly living up to your Leo status). You never hesitate to share your adorable smile with others.

You have the most beautiful eyes, and they shine so brightly all the time. People are forever commenting on your eyes and they, along with those mile-long lashes of yours, will no doubt be used as artillery against your parents in the future. Daddy and I will be fully preparing ourselves for that day (but you might just win anyway).

It’s a true joy to watch your exploration of the world on a daily basis. You have a great curiosity and a need to figure out how things work. In fact, your inquisitiveness sometimes leaves your parents breathless from trying to shut a door or put an item up high. We realize that at this age learning typically doesn’t take place when sitting still, and all the darting about Mommy and Daddy do is good for our health.

You are right on the verge of walking, and it is so exciting to see. You can stand alone now and we know that those first little steps are going to happen soon. Then there will be no stopping you!

Your personality is shining through all the time, and you have a way of making us laugh often as you imitate us. From all of the fun we have now, Mommy and Daddy get to see glimpses of what you will be like when you are a little older. We think you are an amazing child and such a beautiful little being. It has been said so many times before, but how lucky we are to have you in our lives.

Thank you, Eisley, for being the strongest one. Our lives are forever changed because of you, and in such a fantastic and incredible way.

We love you more than you can possibly imagine,

Mommy and Daddy

It is the eve of her first birthday. The 'her' that I never imagined possible in my life. And how am I reacting to this milestone we are about to celebrate? I'm digging my heels staunchly into the ground and waving my arms about wildly, screaming out that, "I'm just not ready for this!"

Frankly, I'm not quite ready to have a one-year-old. I'm not ready for her to cruise on into toddlerville, leaving behind the long gone baby days. Sensitive emotions have bubbled up when trying to find my child the most perfect first birthday card.

Could this really be happening already?

So soon??

It seems as though the catalyst behind these feelings I am experiencing is infertility. Actually, I assume not wanting your child to grow up too quickly isn't anything out of the ordinary for most, but the depth of the emotions is what I attribute to IF. The further we creep from July 30th of 2008, the closer I inch back into the land of 'what happens next' and that leaves me wondering if we can (or even will) endure this journey again.

I guess having that little one snugly wrapped up in your arms temporarily takes away the want to have a baby, because why would you want something that is right there in front of you? At least that is what happened for me. But when that baby grows and is busy independently exploring her world, there seems to be a great deal of time to dwell on the matter.

Determined not to let these thoughts cloud the birthday fun that is planned for the next few days, I need to stow this away for another time and focus on the joy at hand. That being said, this was just something that I needed to get off my chest before moving on to the positive.

Check.

Dear Eisley,

A few short days ago marked your 11th month of living life so fully in this world. Your first birthday is right around the corner, and just as quickly as we are headed towards July 30th, your mommy is headed straight to complete denial that it is even happening. You make it quite hard to be in denial, however, because you are doing so many big girl things each and every day.

New words are popping up all the time these days. You have really gotten into saying “da da”, and have added “wow” and even “Heidi” to your vocabulary. I think Mommy and Daddy could listen to you squeal with excitement and say “ha-deeee” all day long if we could (we’re not exactly sure how Heidi feels about it though). With the talking comes lots of smiles, and now we get the occasional laugh from you when others are laughing. Ever the social butterfly, Mommy sometimes finds it takes awhile to get things done when we are running errands. People always want to stop and talk to you, and while you aren’t talking back just yet, you really take the time to let them know you are listening with your easy-to-come-by smile and even a gratuitous little giggle.

You are really starting to put your piggies to the pavement, and cruising happens all the time. At this point you are quite steady, and Daddy and I both feel that you will be walking in no time. The stairs in the house have proved to be no match for you as you have managed to climb them (with MAJOR supervision) two times now. Gulp. Thank goodness those gates are up.

And let’s not forget about the kissing. Oh, the kissing. You are such a sweet little girl and Mommy and Daddy love the fact that you will lean over and give kisses to us now. It truly leaves our hearts in a puddle on the floor. Recently on a family trip, you decided that you would bestow lots of kisses on a little boy that was just a mere 3 days younger than you. You grabbed him by the shirt, leaned over, and planted some of those sweet kisses on him. Daddy is now on high alert to such activities…

One of the most significant things that occurred during the cusp of your 10th and 11th month was meeting your Uncle E. You see, you had never met him before and had only seen him by web cam. He flew a very long way to meet you, and you took to him pretty much right away. You have gotten to spend quite a bit of time with Uncle E while he’s been here, and we think you adore him. Unfortunately his visit is almost over, but luckily he will be coming back in November. By that time you will be able to run around and play with him.

One of the things that Uncle E did while he was here was work with your daddy and Granddad to build you a sandbox. They put a lot of hard work into making it for you, and you will undoubtedly spend lots of time playing there. One of the other things we did while Uncle E was here was to go to the Frio River with some of your extended family. You had a wonderful time playing with the kids, and you LOVED the water. We all had a very good time!

Another milestone to remember is your very first cousins’ slumber party. Your cousins came to stay with us for a night, and we all had such fun. We swam, cooked, played, and went to the park. We hope it will be the first of many cousin slumber parties!

Another month comes and goes. And the next month? Well precious girl, that will be your 12th month in this world and we have special plans to celebrate. Rumor has it that there will be some sugary goodness to be had, as if you needed help being any sweeter than you already are.

We love you,

Mommy and Daddy

Dear Eisley,

Here we are. One week ago you turned 10 months old. Double digits. In two more months we will be celebrating your first birthday. It just seems next to impossible that it has already been almost a year.

You continue to grow and thrive, and we couldn’t be more excited to watch all of your daily achievements. You really move everywhere these days and it is highly possible that you spend more time standing than you do crawling. If there is a piece of furniture within a few inches of you, it undoubtedly will be used as leverage to help you stand up and check things out. Mommy and Daddy feel that it won’t be too long before you won’t need that furniture at all.

Your teeth continue to make their way up above the gum line, and you are now the proud owner of 8 pearly whites. It hasn’t been entirely easy coaxing those teeth to come in, but with some determination and a lot of drool, they have arrived. It’s a good thing too, because you think pureed food is old news and much prefer finger and table foods. You can eat all kinds of dairy now, and we have discovered that you have a passion for yogurt and cheese. You seem to be open to trying all different kinds of food (at least once), and that makes your parents so happy.

You are becoming quite the vocal little girl, making sounds and interesting noises all the time. You continue with saying “ma, ma, ma, ma” and “da, da, da, da”, but now you are also saying “uh-oh” as well. It really is too cute for words to hear you actually mimicking us when we say things to you. Along with the words, there are also the multitude of sounds. You like to blow raspberries and screech when you feel the need to be heard. Mommy refers to some of these noises as your ‘pterodactyl sounds’ because I have to think that it comes very close to the real thing (I’m guessing some people at the grocery store might also agree with me on that one). No matter the sound, it really is amazing to hear you making noises and trying to get your point across.

Clapping is an activity you have now perfected, and you can clap with the best of them. Every time you put those hands together now, they make solid contact, and hearing the pats of your little palms coming together is one of the sweetest sounds I have ever heard. You are so happy when you are clapping, and the activity itself is usually accompanied by a huge grin on your face.

In preparation for what will undoubtedly be a scorching summer, we bought a pool for the backyard and you love to play in it for as long as possible. We can put you in your float, and you walk independently all around the pool. It seems to be a big hit, and since you are willing to share the pool with your parents, they are quite happy about it too.

Mommy and Daddy took you on your first camping trip a few weeks ago, and we decided on Krause Springs. You did an amazing job and really adapted so well. You did a great job sleeping in the tent, and you loved swimming in the springs. You are such a happy baby when you are outdoors, and it truly showed.

Well, another month has come and gone and we just cannot seem to slow time down. We know that there is more growing to be done, and so for now we are trying to fully indulge in every moment of your life as it is now. Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you, and we can never, ever put into words just how lucky we feel to have you as our daughter.

We love you,

Mommy and Daddy

It seems as if these days our home is full of transition. Eisley is going through a major stage of growth and development, and naturally that entails change. Just yesterday, I was busy sorting and boxing up clothes that are too small for her. I have done this already a couple of times, but in addition to clothes, there are other items that are making their way into the storage pile. A blanket here, a nursing pillow there. I also have all of my maternity clothes just staring back at me, waiting to be put away. The weight of it all is starting to make the tiniest dent in my heart.

Looking through all of these gently worn, yet very tangible items of this experience is making me wonder about our future. Will I ever see these things again? Will there ever be a need to excitedly pull numerous boxes down from the attic in anticipation of another little one? I honestly don't know. While I am not in a great rush to find out, my mind is still taking its sweet time mulling over the idea. And what surprises me the most about it all is that, even letting my thoughts sway ever so slightly in the direction of adding to our family, it has me on the verge of an emotional storm.

Just when I have felt so strong and so healed in my body and accomplishments as a mother, just beyond that, there apparently are some residual gray clouds. I'm going to have to look away for now and return my focus to her. Maybe one rainy day I will revisit that place and weather the storm. But not now. My heart is so full, it just couldn't bear it.

The landscape looks different these days. Long gone are the proud moments of looking out over the hills. I'm talking about my boobs.

After a very brief yet rocky start ('rocky' as in I felt the need to chew on a piece of leather from the pain) to breastfeeding, we managed to get things down and it has been a wonderful experience ever since. From about the time when Eisley was 8 months or so, however, my supply has taken a nosedive. I have chalked it up to the incorporation of more solid foods, and possibly to the twice weekly trips to the gym in an attempt to burn off some extra calories. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong.

It started with just a nightly bottle of formula, and now has transitioned to 3 total bottles a day to supplement her solids. I am in no way against formula, but because we had such a good thing going for so many months it is hard to come to the realization that we are possibly taking our very last steps on the breastfeeding journey.

And I'm sad about it.
And my boobs look sad too.

I will continue feeding her until it appears that there is nothing left to give (which I suspect might be sooner than I planned on) and then will have to move forward. It definitely won't be easy for me, so when it does happen you might find me drowning my pain in a bottle of wine. Raising my glass with a heartfelt toast to the flatlands.


*Things look a little different around here (not talking boobs). I'm still working out some kinks, so if you decide you want to leave a comment you have to click on the post title to get to the 'post a comment' option.