I had some spotting this morning. Not sure what to think of it. If it happened a couple days ago I would be thrilled and think it was implantation spotting. Not so sure now... will I start my next cycle early? Did I get implantation spotting late? I just want to go to bed and see what happens Saturday morning.... no scratch that... 2 weeks from now.

I just added this to the right bar... Step 2 - Tell the people you love what you are going through, chances are they will surprise you with their compassion.

I posted on my other blog, the one that friends, family and a few co-workers read, about what we are going through. It was a very basic post and didn't go into too much detail but it did mention IUI and problems.

Anyways, out of the blue I received an email from a co-worker who lives in a different state. I talk to her about every 6 months or so. She wrote me an email yesterday that she had been thinking of me and read my blog. Here is the rest of what she wrote:

"My heart goes out to you.

You will make a great mom and I can only hope that it will happen quickly for you. Look at it this way - with all this effort - your baby (or babies) will know with every bit of certainty that he/she was wanted very badly. The rest of the old-wives tales that people tell you are rubbish as you know. A bunch faith, lots of hugs and perseverance will get what you want.

So - I just made a call to my girlfriend who runs our prayer chain. You should feel lots of prayers going your way in the next day or so. Other than that I wish there were something more I can do. Sounds like you're doing everything you can. I know that shortly - there will booties and congratulations in the conversation."

I wrote her back and thanked her.... a few hours later she wrote this:
"Let me know if there is anything else I can do. 94 folks contacted on the chain so far."

WOW. Just wow. My eyes welled up. I've had several people tell me they are praying for Jamie and I but this really hit me. Someone who didn't even need to say she saw the post went out of her way to write me and get 94! people who don't even know me to pray for me??? My chat boards always have posts about stupid things people say... Like "Just relax and it will happen" or "Go adopt and you'll get pregnant" People always talk about how they just want people to LISTEN and acknowledge what we are going through sucks. This is exactly what my friend did, she also went the extra step in helping in a way that she knows how to help. I am amazed by this. I am touched. I feel loved. Thank you Nancy.

You would think cramps should be a bad thing and normally they are. To me cramps mean a new cycle is starting, but then you hear of the people who had cramps and thought it was the end but they ended up pregnant. So I guess cramps don't mean a lot. I personally only cramp a few hours before I start so to cramp mildly for days like I have been is very odd. I know it's the progesterone but then the other part of my brain (the hopeful side that gets crushed every month but keeps on ticking...) says maybe they are good pregnancy cramps? So this is my thought process allll day. Who knew I would constantly think about this. It does me no good. Some day when I am sent away for being crazy, I will be in that padded room muttering to myself....Ooh was that a cramp? What could it mean..I will also be poking at my bewbies to see if they still hurt because everyone knows that is a sign... prolonged bewbie pain.... What has happened to my brain???? How many more days?

Well I am still really tired. I think I could sleep all day. I actually sit here and think about bed and how nice it would be....ahhh thinking about it now. I could easily sleep through 12 hours a night right now. Other than that I feel about the same. Some twinges of cramps here and there and the girls are a bit sore but nothing big. I don't have a lot of hope right now but I am not hopeless, just somewhere in the middle. I would almost call it a good place. I am starting to think about the next cycle and when I need to order the meds for it and I am not overly upset by that. Very strange..

OK, so here are my crazy progesterone symptoms as of today.... funny they really are like pregnancy symptoms!

1. Very tired
2. Hungry often,
3. Slightly crampy
4. very moody (lost it with DH today for no reason)
5. chapped lips (ok, stretching with this one!)
6. very painful bewbies (they are huge for me too!)

So what do I think.... hmmm... wayyyyyy too early to get any hopes up!

I am at 4 dpiui (days past IUI). All I can say is progesterone suppositories really suck. They are as bad as they sound like they would be. They melt all day long.... by the time they stop melting, it is time for me to insert the nighttime one. I will gladly do this for 3 months though if it helps me get and stay pregnant!

I keep torturing myself with reading about people who did and didn't get pregnant with IUI. I get excited when I find ones that got pregnant on the first try and then I see one that took 4 trys or have given up! This will be a long 2 weeks. Well only 10 more days....

Today is day one of the 2 week wait. I had both IUI's done yesterday and today. I was a bit worried as Friday night I would have bet money that I ovulated. If I had, they would not have done today's IUI. Anyways, I was wrong. When dr did my u/s yesterday the big follie was about 22 and there was another one that was about 15. I had definitely not ovulated. She said that there is a little chance that the 15 might go as well so I guess my chances are ok. I am taking it easy all weekend and doing an extra accupuncture appointment tomorrow. I still feel kind of down today though. I should be excited and happy but I still feel like every month, just assuming it's not going to happen. I know I should be positive but how when you know how much it hurts to get let down again? I think I just need a couple of days to relax and focus, this WILL happen. Why shouldn't it happen this month? Come on! Come on! Up thoughts! Up thoughts!!!

Well my u/s today showed only one good size follie, that means the other 3 just stopped growing. They went ahead and triggered me with an HCG shot which forces ovulation. We will do the IUI tomorrow and Sunday morning. I know I only need one good egg but it just seemed like my chances would be higher with 4. In a way this is good because with 4 I was all psyched up to convince myself it would be impossible not to work! I had visions of quads running around and started thinking about 4 cribs. This way I am put back in my place with just my regular monthly glimmer of hope for just one!

I am getting very excited about the u/s tomorrow. I am hoping there are 4 good follies and that they trigger me tomorrow, that way they can give me the shot in the office! I just don't see how this can't work? I can totally picture this working with twins. I reviewed a bunch of charts on Fertility Friend of people with the same criteria. HCG shot (that's the trigger), injectible meds, IUI, my age range, it seemed like 90% of the charts were pregnancies, I stopped looking because there were so many! I cannot imagine at this point how crushed I will be if this doesn't work. I keep talking to my little follies saying "Hang in there, keep growing!"

So they are growing! YAY! I got an ultrasound today and there were 2 that will be good to go and 2 more that were a touch smaller and might be ok as well. I go back on Friday for another u/s. The dr will then know if she wants me to trigger on Friday or Saturday. The IUIs would be the 2 days after I trigger. This means I will ovulate Saturday or Sunday! YAY! I have never that early before. I like everything working faster. Oh my hopes are going up!

This weekend went very well. Jamie shot me up like a pro. It was nice to not have to watch him do it. I am really very lucky. Some girls have to go to the doctor because they and their husbands can't bear the thought.

I will be getting my ultrasound tomorrow to see how the drugs are working. Hopefully I will get an idea of when the big event (well events, it will happen twice) will happen! Probably smack dab in the middle of the 3 day weekend. Jamie was looking at cabins to go away for the weekend and I had to remind him that we couldn't leave. Oh well, maybe next year!

I received my drugs in preparation for the IUI yesterday. Here is a picture of them all... be amazed at what $750 can buy you.


I saw someone else do this, post a picture and it scared me... now I have my own! I went in for an ultrasound this morning. If they had found cysts or anything then we would have had to postpone so it is good news that everything looked good. The nurse then showed me how to mix the drugs with saline and how to inject myself. I was very nervous and felt on the edge of tears. I can't even look when I give blood!!! I had to tell myself what the end goal was. So I watched her and didn't feel a thing! They actually go into my thigh and not my hiney so that is also good. YAY!!!! I could feel the actual drugs going in but no pain from the needle. Let's see how tomorrow goes though... maybe Jamie will have to do this after all!

I am getting a bit excited about the IUI though, I just feel like it will work, it has to! How can it not when there isn't that much wrong with me and nothing wrong with Jamie? WOW, I can't imagine the day when I see a positive test, that day can't be too far away!

OK, add this to the growing financial list... $773 for Bravelle. I will be injecting this into my hiney. YAY. I think this is the round about way of getting what I REALLY wanted. I always said I wanted twins. Well, if this does work, we have a 30% chance of multiples. I guess that gives me a little something to look forward to.

I am starting cycle 11 today. This means I will be calling the pharmacy and ordering $1000 worth of drugs to inject into my body so that a dr can then take DH's sperm and "wash it" and inject it into me in an office. I then get to stick suppositories up my hoo ha as I hope and pray for 2 weeks that the miracle of life will develop inside of me. This club sucks. I don't want to be in it. I want to be in the "WOW, we got pregnant on the first cycle and weren't even trying" club.
For future reference, I don't want to be in the early menopause, cancer, widowed, or house burned down clubs either.

So remember all that optimism I had a few days ago? Well no need to worry about my overdosing on that! It has successfully died away and the depression/dread of the last few days of the cycle have set in. The reality of Friday being only 5.5 days away and I will be starting injectibles and dropping $750 for the pleasure...well it's just a bit much. It's just all so hard and overwhelming. I keep reading about girls who do IUI with injectibles 3 times and then IVF... I just cna't see it! Why can't we just make our own? THe only thing wrong is this stupid FSH number, that shouldn't be that big of a deal... I am just sooooo feeling sorry for myself today...

A friend of mine at work is 11 weeks pregnant today. She is high risk so getting ultrasounds every week. She had one yesterday and saw the baby floating around, it looked like he was waving. Ahhh... can't wait to see someone waving at me on an ultrasound....

I am in a tricky spot with this optimistic thing. You want to be optimistic with that whole power of positive thought thing, but on the other hand you are TERRIFIED of how much more you will be let down. I want to be optimistic, I really want to but it's scary at the same time because it will really hurt this time. The last couple of months were bearable because I was looking forward to going to the RE. I figured the RE will make it work so I had a plan to look forward to. Well this month is the VERY LAST MONTH to have a home-made baby. I keep hearing about people getting pg after an HSG (I hear about people that don't too but those don't stick with me as much) I don't think Wednesday will come soon enough. Oh gawd, when it does... the cash will start flying out the door... then I will think of myself as an infertile person too... ugh, please let it work this month, PLEASE!