Well I had my u/s today and all 3 of my follies turned into cysts. One of them is even bigger than my ovary should normally be! She was surprised I wasn't in pain. Great. So this means we have to sit out the cycle as the drugs would just play havoc with the cysts. So now the big decision is do we not chart or anything? I think we won't. I think we will just pretend to be a normal couple that doesn't live each day according to my temperature or what a stick I peed on says. I am still going to go to the acupuncture appointments though. That should get me all ready for the next cycle. Good luck to us for next month! So I might not have alot to say on here.,.. sorry if it gets boring.

Woo - hoo! More good news! Since I finally got the acupuncture paid by the insurance and moving onto a new cycle, I call my acupuncturist and she can squeeze me in tomorrow! YAY!

No need to wait for the results phone call. I just got my answer. Officially moving onto lucky cycle 13! Gonna make me an Easter Egg!

So here I sit on day 16dpiui with a neg pregnancy test and no period in sight. I went to the doctor this morning for a beta test to see if my blood thinks I am pregnant even though my pee doesn't. Jamie thinks my period will start right before the phone rings with the negative results! I am not hopeful about getting a positive result and that's not bad, it's just that I have already cried and moved on. I just want to get started with the next one! Timing wise we should be able to do the nest IUI's over Easter weekend and make us a little Easter egg! Results should be in between 2-4 PST so I'll post when they call or if my period finally decided to bless me with it's appearance!

Thank you Cara and roaringrock for your kind words and your hopes for me! Thanks to anyone else who reads this and sympathizes with me. I know there are lots of people going through infertility (too many in my opinion) and in a way it is good because I don't feel alone but it is also bad just because that means lots of people are in pain.

I do feel much better today and ready to move on. I am now just waiting for my period to start so I can call the doctors office and order my drugs and get going on IUI #3. I find it amazing how we all seem to bounce back.

I brought up to Jamie last night that I was going to start getting info on adoption agencies this month so that we are all ready to move forward and possibly start the home study during IUI 4. At first he said "Oh don't worry we still have 3 more tries, it will happen." I stopped him pretty quickly and said that was not what I needed to hear. He goes "Oh, you don't need supportive Jamie now? What do you need?" I told him I wanted to discuss our adoption plans seriously because there is a possibility that we will need to move forward with them. I don't want to get started and have an agency put $30k in front of him and him flip out. I wanted to know if he could handle that or if we would have to wait to save the money etc. So we spent a good while discussing it and he is ok with moving forward. I am going to get info on domestic adoption agencies this month and find out what we need to do to move forward. If we are able to do the home study in the next month or 2 we will as soon as we can. (He is ok with spending that money right away) We both think it will be a minimum of 6 months before we need to fork out real $ so we will just work on saving between now and then. Hopefully I can find out a lot more in the next month about payment schedules and timelines. It felt REALLY good to talk to him about it and find out we ARE on the same page. I think it really hit him when I said 3 more IUI's is only about 75 more days. That is not much time and I want a baby NOW so I don't want to put off looking into all this adoption stuff.

I had a coke at lunch. Caffeine + Sugar, great combo for making me feel better and I am not being sarcastic. Wine tonight I suppose will help too.

This sucks and I am pissed off. I am mad at God. Yes, I will say that and I believe it. I am mad that God has put this INTENSE desire in me to have a baby and is leaving me out in the cold. I am mad that I have played by the rules, I did not get pregnant as a teenager. I have never had an abortion. I did not naively marry someone who would be like my father when I was young. I waited a year after marrying to start trying so we could have a good foundation to our marriage. I have never abused drugs. I am a good person dammit and I deserve better! I am not going to look at this and wonder what I am doing wrong because I KNOW I have done nothing wrong. I just got dealt a shitty hand of cards. Unfortunately for Jamie that means he got the crappy hand too. I know things could be worse, I know I could have cancer with a week to live, but I want to wallow in my misery today and be selfish and cry WHY ME GOD??? Did I say I would go through this 5 times? I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can do it a third time. I know I should feel better tomorrow and hopefully I really will and can go for #3.

This puts us over the one year mark. We will now start cycle 13. I remember a year ago seeing other people signature lines on their posts on the boards and seeing some people at 6 months and thinking WOW that sucks. That can't happen to me. Then I hit the 6 months and thought the same of the >12... Now I am looking at the people that have gone through 3 IVF's that failed and my heart breaks for them. My only consolation is that we will not do IVF so I will never be able to say three failed IVF's. Sadly I might say 5 failed IUI's as I move onto cycle 16. At that point we are done actually. I will never have a cycle 16. WOW, I may never have a baby. Do you know how hard that is to type? With the IUI's I had so much hope and at this moment that is gone.

The Pregnancy Week by Week book I bought the month before we started trying is collecting dust on my bookshelf. Whew... at least the time has gone quickly.

OK, I will pick myself up and start researching adoption agencies. If I am able to move onto IUI3 and it fails we will start working on home study etc so this month I get to start looking into it all.

Sorry this post was a downer but I just had to get all that out. It's either that or throw a chair through a window. I'd hate to have to explain that one to my boss.

So I finish the 2ww tomorrow. The question now is, Do I start a 4ww or a 40ww??? I'm hoping for the 40 thank you very much!

Well we're in the double digits! Only 4 days left until I can see two beautiful pink lines after peeing on a stick. Isn't science wonderful? When else do you get to pee on something and have it give you something to smile about? Well I guess if I just peed I Jamie, I would laugh but it's not quite the same thing.

I told Jamie about wanting to take my temperature this morning but he talked me out of it. He said that if it was low, I would get sad and that would impact our babies. He wants them to be happy babies so no negative thoughts allowed! OK, Mr. Scientology! Just kidding of course! But I still think that was kind of cute :)

OH My GOODNESS!!! Tenetia is my idol! She has worked her magic and is sending me $1000 for my last batch of drugs! The ones from February need some work but she has assured me it will be done in 48 hours! I see light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!

Today is 8dpiui and last night I woke up with bad period like cramps. Due to my high levels of optimism, I am assuming that was my little ones snuggling in for a good nights sleep. I woke this morning without cramps so it wasn't the start of an early period. I just can't shake all this optimism!!! And to have the insurance pay $1k today! WOW, and yesterday I got them to FINALLY agree to pay for my accupuncture so that was another $200!!! YAY! YAY! YAY!

WOW, on the phone again with the insurance company. I talk to them almost every day it seems. I am happy that I have $5000 in infertility coverage but what good is it if I can't actually use it???? AGH!!!!!

Well it's 7dpiui. Only 7 more to go. I've had people ask me when I will be testing again and I tell them in a week or so.... by the end of the month. I don't want everyone knowing my exact testing date this time. I had everyone asking me about it on testing day last time and that kind of sucked. So I decided to be vague this month. If I get a negative on Tuesday then I can tell them, but if I get a positive, then I want to go get the blood tests before I tell anyone. So that's where I am now. I'm still feeling VERY positive. I was tempted to take my temperature this morning but decided not to. If it was high I might chalk it up to the progesterone. If it was low then I run the risk of it hurting my positive vibes! Don't want to bring down the vibes!!!!

So here I wait in the middle of 2ww limbo land....

Great website about high FSH... http://www.highfshinfo.com/index.html

OK, the funniest blog ever :http://www.blameitonthebabymaker.com/

So today my temp was 98.31. Hmm... that is the highest temp I have EVER had. Maybe this positive thing is working :)

Still positive! Only 12 more days! A long.... 12 days! :) Only bad part is today started the dreaded progesterone suppositories... ugh. Dear child, if you are reading this 20 years form now, please know that your mommy suffered through some icky stuff to make you!

1 DPO (day past ovulation) Woo-hoo! I am in the 2ww (2 week wait) I had the 2nd IUI today and all went well. I barely felt it. My doctor said she is very optimistic and so am I!!!! I am going to stay very positive for the next 2 weeks. I even started watching Bringing Home Baby on TLC again (I had to stop several months ago as it was depressing me) I can really imagine being pregnant. I just KNOW it is going to happen this time!!! YAY!

YAY! I went in for my u/s and IUI and I had not ovulated yet, which is good. That means I can do the 2nd IUI tomorrow. We also saw that the 3 follies are still there! YAY! I really feel like we have a chance this month! I just can't help but feel positive.. oh I hope I can stay positive right through to the positive pg test!

So Jamie triggered me this morning. It's basically the same as the other shots in how it's done. But WOW! my thigh hurts right now. It's on fire and hard. Kind of like a bug bite. I don't remember it being like that last month but the nurse did it for me in my rear. Hmmm... no, I'd rather still have it in my leg.

So back when we first started trying, I TIVO'd "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Home Baby" I watched them all the time. After about 5-6 months I would get really upset especially if the couple was really young and stupid. Jamie kindly suggested I should stop watching them. Well he was right, I stopped and felt much better. Well now that I am so VERY positive this IUI is going to work (you know, 3 follies and all!) I want to start watching at least Bringing Home Baby again... Am I crazy?

We went this morning to see how the follies are growing and they are doing great! They increased my injectibles this cycle from 150 Bravelle to 225 and I've only been doing it 6 days. Well I had 3 good follies 16,17 and 14. They want me to trigger tomorrow and do back to back IUI Tues and Weds. Last time I only had one good follie so I definitely feel better about this one! It's nice to see everything go so fast! This is 2 days quicker than last time!
Very glad Jamie went, he liked seeing the follies on the monitor! It was nice to have him there :) Weird thing though was that this was the first time I had a male doctor (it's Sunday so you get who's there) I felt a little dirty having a man "down there" especially with Jamie in the room!!! I know totally silly and stupid.
STILL VERY POSITIVE ABOUT THIS CYCLE!!! It's gonna work this time! YAY!

I have given up (or at least cut back) alot of things in the past month to give myself the best shot with the IUI's. One of the things I have almost 100% given up is caffeine. Well today I decided to treat myself and have a Dr Pepper with lunch. I was able to drink about 5 sips and almost found it disgusting! How is that? What happened to my favorite drink??? I haven't had a soda in a long time, I think the sugar just got to me. Maybe the TTC is actually helping me be healthier.... hmmm... still sad about the wasted Dr Pepper though :(

Yup.... everytime I think about those twin girls.... goodness! Argh, jealousy really sucks. Yeah.. not much else to say to that one.

Just found out that a co-worker is having twin girls..... feel the stabs of jealousy... am I turning green? Silver lining... hmmm.. well if she can do it, so can I!

This may sound stupid but here is my theory as to why I know I will get pregnant this cycle. (Leave the poor infertile girl alone and let her have her fantasies!) Anyways, on Monday a good friend of mine seriously thought her parents were missing somewhere between Tennessee and California. She had contacted hospitals, coroners and even Americas Most Wanted in anticipation of putting their pictures on the show this weekend. The second this was also on Monday another friend of mine, well her grandma had a stroke. The third thing was yesterday morning, the doctor thought she saw a cyst (no I am not comparing a cyst to missing parents and a stroke... bear with me...)

So yesterday, the parents showed up unannounced (yay but now my friend is REALLY pissed off), it turns out the grandma had a mini stroke and is completely fine and I did not have a cyst. YAY! Life goes on and I mean real life. Parents weren't dead, they were alive. Grandma didn't die, she lived. I almost couldn't create life but now I can. And I think I will. The power of 3's. Make sense now? OK, yeah, I'm a bit crazy, but soon I WILL be a crazy pregnant person and that's what matters.

I had my CD3 ultrasound and everything looks good. They upped my injectibles dosage and shot me up there (thank goodness since I am used to Jamie doing it.) I have my next appt for Sunday morning to check on the growth of the follies. Hopeing for 3-4 big ones!

yup... that is todays charge for drugs that I start stabbing myself (well Jamie stabs me with) tomorrow. I am still waiting for reimbursement from last months $773.34... Hopefully we get reimbursed soon. I know I shouldn't complain, I am VERY lucky to get any reimbursement. I read about so many girls that have no IF coverage at all. I get $5k but that is going to go pretty quickly at this rate. OK, complaint over. Anyone reading this that has had a free baby, just know how lucky you are!

Cycle Day 2. Here we go for another ride. I just left a message for the nurse to get an appt for tomorrow for my CD 3 ultrasound. They will make sure I didn't develop any cysts and then start the drugs again. They are supposed to increase my dosage so let's hope for 4 big eggs and our twins as a result!!! I am really enjoying not being on any drugs today. I am in an up mood, have lots of energy and am ready to move on.... Let's go!

As expected I tested negative again today. I'm really not upset though. I am looking forward to next cycle adn getting lots more follies! The silver lining is no more progesterone suppositories!!!

Does the internet fuel my craziness or help it? The website where I track my temps has a chart gallery where you can search on keywords and look at different peoples charts. I just did a quick search on implantation spotting and wouldn't you know it... the very first one that popped up looked like this:

For those of you that aren't used to charts, it shows spotting on day 11 (sound familiar?) and a positive test on day 14.
So crazy obsessive nutjob that I am, I keep looking and a few more charts and this comes up:


YES! Not only spotting on day 11 but a negative test on day 13 and a positive on day 14!!!! OMG!!! Now I get to sit here and obsess... I just wonder if their sore boobs stopped being sore? hmmmm...

Well what did I expect? I tested today and it was negative. Surprised? No. I think it takes alot of the pressure off tomorrow though. It's strange, I'm not really sad over it. I'm just determined to get it right next time! I think I did everything I could. I have limited my red meat, pretty much cut out caffeine and most of my dairy (that's right, haven't had my CIB in over 3 weeks.) I drink a small amount of water with lunch and dinner and try not to have drinks with ice in them. So overall I think I feel good about it. Next cycle we will increase the drugs and it will work at some point. Just a matter of time and money. So here we go... moving on....

So today I am constantly crampy. Dull crampy though so not strong, advil necessary cramping which usually comes before my period. Dare I hope... my lower back hurts... dare I hope more.... still no more spotting... again... hope? I may succumb to the tremendous pressure to just test tomorrow. But how will I feel if it's negative? Will I still be able to hold out hope for Saturday? I don't need to ask myself how I would feel if it were positive. I know the answer to that one... terrified. I will not be excited until I get 2 blood tests, one saying pregnant and one a few days later saying still pregnant and my numbers are increasing. Then I will get excited but in a reserved way as I wait to see a heartbeat at around 10 weeks.... Then a bit more excited as I wait to hit the magic 20 weeks. I'm sure there will be no more worrying after that. I think I will finally feel comfortable telling people I am pregnant once I safely deliver a healthy child. Well maybe I'll wait til they graduate college?