Did you know...
- I average 20+ hits on this blog a day?
- Yesterday I had 37 hits.
- Most of the hits are around 10am.
- My #1 referrer is: The Waiting Womb
- My #2 is: TTC with DH through IVF with AMA and a MF for a BFP
- My #3 is: Me? A Mom?
- My #1 googled word is dildocam
- There are 9 countries accessing my blog: US, Canada, Australia, UK, Germany, Denmark, Japan, Italy and Belgium. (Not quite sure how that works. Are there people actually in those countries reading this or is their computer routing through that country? Hmmm... just wondering how someone in Belgium would get this? Hey Belguim reader!! Give me a shoutout! Curious to know who you are! :))

So for those of you with your own blogs... you can learn all this stuff about your own blog. Add a Clever Counter. Very interesting. Hope I didn't bore you all too much, there's just not much going on here while I wait to O.

I started reading this one life through my eyes over the weekend. It was recommended by My Perky Ovaries Perky is having triplets and was commenting about eyes having quads!!! OMG!!! They are both very interesting, enjoy!

Congrats to Angie!!! at to pee or not to pee... She's all knocked up!! YAY!!!!!

Ha ha, being high... I'll just sit here and chuckle to myself for a minute... Anyways, I have gotten high readings on my CBEFM for 2 days now. I find that interesting. Will I O really early? Are there drugs still in me? Will I just keep getting high for a week (ha ha, high for a week, won't get much work done, will I??... ok enough with the high jokes!) Anyways, I am pretty relaxed and enjoying this cycle, no end of the world cry fests. I have my girlie spa day coming up on Saturday where I plan on cooking myself in the hot tub (well unless I O before that then maybe I'll limit my cooking time.) But I will enjoy my massage and I plan on it being my last pre-pregnancy session (we won't go back til November so I have a few more months..) ok, now I am rambling! Hope you enjoyed the long weekend!!!

YAY to Bumble!!! She's all knocked up! Congrats!

You know what that means! I have made ti a whole week and the time flew by! Only 3 more weeks (give or take a few days) and this rest cycle is over. Call me crazy but I have a tiny bit of hope growing for this month even. I have the pee sticks ready for the CBEFM and my BBT next to the bed. I figure we can give it an old fashioned try. That would be strange at this point to try to make a baby at home, with my DH instead of a doctor! Ha ha! So I figure it can't hurt. I won't be setting myself up for disappointment this month.... why do I even type that, of course I would still be disappointed, who am I trying to kid. You all know how this goes, I would just hope the disappointment would be minimized. How's that? Optimistic enough? Anyways, I feel 100% better now, ready to move on. Not anxious, not stressed and not sad.

Enjoy the 3 day weekend!!!!

Don't ask me why, I have no idea, but I feel good. Today is a good day. I even had the thought cross my mind that I could actually get pregnant this month. Why not? Let's see how long this mood lasts!

I've added a new blog to the daily reading Maybe Baby If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. IF from a man's point of view, what a novel concept!

It's amazing to me how resilient our brains are. I really thought I was 100% done the other day. I couldn't imagine wanting to do it again but here I am almost back to normal. WTF? Am I some sort of weird heartless being? Anyways, I looked at a calendar and we could finish this stupid cysts month and complete an IUI cycle and have it end a couple days before we go on vacation in July. We could then not even get checked for cysts but just take July off, come back and wait 2 short weeks and do the last (5th) IUI and be completely done by the end of August. If I just focus on September as being able to start adoption and focus on that, I think I will be ok. I told Jamie all this and he was glad to hear it. He did point out that we could actually get pregnant on one of those cycles but I told him to stop being ridiculous. :)

I posted this today on the blog that family and friends read. It's a normal blog that is not if related. It talks about home improvements, the cat and my husbands growing tomato farm. I have mentioned in a very vague way that we are having a bit of trouble getting pregnant but I continue to hear, "It hasn't been very long, just relax.... etc." So today I wrote this for all of those people that still don't get it. If they still don't after reading this then I give up on them. If you like my analogy and want to copy it, feel free.

Some of you have asked me how I am doing with all of this infertility stuff. I usually answer "fine" Most of the time that is a correct answer but if you catch me on certain days, like when I am full of drugs or just started a new cycle then that answer is a lie. I will usually still say "fine" because it is easier (for you and for me) and it is too hard to explain what I am actually feeling. Well today I am going to try to explain it in a way that you can relate to.

First ask yourself this question, What is the job you want most right now and have wanted for a long time. Your dream job? Imagine you can have this job, you do not need special training or a degree, you just have to apply and wait to be accepted. You know it is a life changing job and you will have to dedicate your life to it, so you wait for the right time. You travel, you try out other jobs, you get married, etc. You finally decide you are ready but there's a catch. You can only apply once a month and then you have to wait 4 weeks for the reply.

The very first month you are dying with excitement! You start looking at the uniform you will get to wear and all the new stuff that comes with it. You tell some family that you have applied for the job and they get excited for you! Everyone is excited, this is great news!!!! At the end of the four weeks, you get the news that you did not get the job, but don't worry!!! There are plenty of them out there and you can apply as many times as you like.

So you apply the next day and start the wait again. Why not? Alot of people apply 2 or 3 times. You even know someone that waited a whole year!! That won't be you, you tell yourself because you waited for the right time so they have to pick you next. Again you look at the uniform and extra stuff. You don't plan a vacation for 6 months from now because you will be too busy getting ready for your new job. You start putting your life on hold because you KNOW that this new job will take up all your time and energy and you want to be ready. 4 weeks later you get another rejection.

After about 4 months of this you try something new. You start researching on the internet things you can do to get the job. Things you can do to try to figure out why you keep getting rejected. But what can be wrong? You're young, healthy and relaxed. Why can't you get this job? Besides, everyone keeps telling you not to worry, you are guaranteed the job. Just relax and you will get it when you least expect it. Meanwhile you start to think about it a bit more... and you start to worry.

OK, now it's been 8 months and you get your 8th rejection notice. This is really starting to hurt. So you decide to see a professional to make sure you aren't doing anything wrong. Maybe filling out the application incorrectly? So the professional sends you for some tests. They are a bit more invasive that you expected and actually hurt quite a bit but that is ok because you are willing to do anything to get this job. The day the results are supposed to come in you sit by the phone and wait. and you wait and you wait.... and you wait some more. Have you ever sat by a phone waiting to find out if your life is going to change? You finally get the call, the results are in. You are too old. You keep getting turned down because your body is just too old. What? How can that be? You are only 34 and lots of people at 38 get accepted. That can't be right? But the specialist assures you that some peoples bodies just get older faster. It's not your fault but there is no way to fix it. There is a way to trick the application though. The specialist tells you about drugs you can take that make your body seem younger on the application. It just might work! OK, you are ready to try again. After all, this is your dream job!

So for the 10th try, you add drugs to the mix. You actually get them injected with a needle very similar to a diabetic but that's ok!!! You start to get moody and depressed, but that's ok! You start to yell at your spouse and mope in front of the tv, but that's ok!! You start to do a little less at work and care a little less about everything, but that's ok!! It will all be worth it when you finally get your dream job! The weeks tick by... slowly.... towards the end, you keep picking up the phone to make sure it works.... when will they call with your acceptance? Ugh, the waiting...the 24 hours a day waiting.....the day after day waiting..... finally you get the call. After all the drugs and the moodiness and the depression.... denied. Again.

You call the specialist, what happened, where's the magic you promised me? "Oh, it's no big deal, we didn't give you the right amount of drugs, but that's ok because the first try is the test try. Now we know what you need and this time it will be better." OK, you try again, the drugs, the moodiness, the yelling at your spouse. You realize you are getting tired, realllllllly tired. The weeks tick by again..... DENIED, again.

The specialist tells you they don't now what happened. Your body seemed young to them, don't know why you got turned down again. Oh well, let's try again. So you say ok, but then more bad news. Your body doesn't like all this trickery, it's fighting back. It needs a month off and will not react to the drugs. So you wait as time slowwwwly ticks by. Wasting a whole month! Your family and friends tell you, don't worry, you're trying too hard. You need to stop thinking about it! You'll get the job, just stop trying. But don't they realize, that if your body was already too old to get you the job on it's own, how is stopping trying going to help? You just keep getting older every month and your body keeps getting older too. So you start to ignore what they say. You start to close yourself off from some of those people, the ones that don't understand. You'll let them back in when you get the job. Everything will be perfect again once you get the job. If you could just get the damn job already!

OK, you are ready to try again. 3rd time is the charm right. So you do the drugs, again. Shots day after day..... and you wait. and you wait... and you wait.. every now and then you have hope. You see lots of people around you with the job you want so badly. It's so close you can taste it. But now you are starting to doubt getting the job, maybe you are just too old and the drugs won't work. Again you are waiting by the phone, the only thing you think of 24 hours a day is that phone call. How can you think of anything else? This is your dream job that you have wanted your entire life! Everyone told you it would be so easy to get it! All you had to do was apply! So what is soo wrong with you? Then you get the call. Denied yet again. For the 14th time. At this point you have waited for 14 months, that's 14 denial letter, 14 hopes crushed.

Where do you go from here? Do you give up your dreams of getting this job? Do you keep putting drugs into your body hoping that as nature makes it older, the drugs will trick the system? There is another way.... you truly start thinking of it. You could just flat out pay someone for the job. You could find someone who got the job but doesn't want it and pay them $20,000 to give you their position. Is it worth it? Yes, it is worth it. Are you ready to give up on earning the job by your own merits? You know that once you have the job it won't matter how you got it but you also know that you will always know that you failed a little bit in not getting it yourself. You will always wonder if you just waited a little longer, tried a little harder, relaxed a little more, took more drugs.... Paying for the job is a little like cheating AND you have to hope someone out there is having a rough enough time to give up their position.

Ugh, what do you do? At this point you don't know. All you know is that you HAVE TO HAVE THAT job. And you will have that job but it might take more time. So you wait... and you wait.... and you wait... and you continue to tell the people that love you that you are fine and most of the time that is still true.

I was lucky to be able to go in to see the doctor today. If you consider having a doctor rooting around your private areas on the 2nd day of your period lucky. Actually I have a different word for it, especially since my regular female doctor was out and a male doctor was in.... mortifying. I have to just keep telling myself, he picked this job, why I don't know but he did. And drum roll please........2 massive sized cysts! Hmmm... don't know when I got that medical degree but somehow I just knew that would be it... So I can already tell you cycle 15 will be a bust. Just to pretend I am doing something, I am going to dust off the old CBEFM and I spent $40 ordering more sticks to pee on.

At this moment I do not want to do IUI #4. I want to march out to the living room, pull out the application for the adoption agency and fill it out. I will be honest and say that I do not know if I really mean it, if it's PMS or just self defense but that is what I want to do right now. I'll wait a week and if I still feel this way then I just might do it. I am very used to getting my way and this is really pissing me off.

OK, my little breakdown last night was PMS. I feel better about that. AF just made her appearance so I am about to pop my 2 advil and call the RE. Hopefully I can get in tomorrow and see if those pesky cysts have shriveled up.

Well the temp finally went down a bit today. 98.24 but the day af starts I am usually 97.4 or something so maybe she's waiting til tomorrow. I am not testing today and won't test tomorrow either. Maybe Monday if she still hasn't shown. Now I am switching my focus to talking to the cysts, telling them to GO AWAY and not be there when I get my cd3 u/s so I can move on to IUI #4. Thanks for reading and the comments, you are the only ones I pester with all these details. I hope you have a great weekend!

BTW: I need to fess up. I wasn't as strong about this cycle as I thought I was. I watched the Scrubs finale last night and it was all about JD's ex being pregnant and everyone talking to JD about how wonderful fatherhood is, blah blah blah... I started to tear up and took a nice hot bubble bath. Well the bath did me in, I just sat there and cried and got mad at my stupid broken uterus (it didn't respond). So I am not as numb as I hoped. DH got home a little bit later and took me to dinner, yay DH! Much better this morning.

HIGHER TEMP THIS MORNING!!! You are reading that correctly. It was 98.40. WTF????? and yes I tested and yes it was BFN. Ugh. This sucks. Remind me not to temp with the next IUI. The last 2 IUI's I started AF on 15dpiui so I will expect her today. If she doesn't show I will ask for a blood test tomorrow. I just want this resolved now. Argh.

Whew, got that done, let's move on to humor and making fun of our husbands in a loving way of course. I saw this on a Baby Blues and Fertilize Me yesterday and LOVED it. They gave their DH's this list to see if they could knew what they stood for. I thought it was so funny so I sent it to Jamie. Here are his answers: (I am thinking he didn't take it too seriously!)

AF - awesome fertitily?
IVF - invitro fert
IUI - inutero fert
IF - infertile?
PG - pregnant gut
TTC - two-timin' cousin
DPO - decaprio prison orgy (you're the prisoner, he's the guard...prison's in "lockdown") ****
BFP - big f'n' positive
BFN - big f'n' negative
POAS - please ovulate, already. s**t!
HPT - hold please, thanks!
BD - baby dance
DH - dear hubby

****Leo is my all time favorite and Jamie knows it :)

Here is how my morning went:
Woke up, looked at clock and again saw 4:30 staring back at me.
Popped the thermometer in my mouth and then turned on the light to look at it after it beeped. 98.26. Higher than yesterday.... hmmm it went up and even at 4:30....

Jamie: Did you just take your temp?
Me: Yes
J: What was it?
M: Higher
J: That's interesting.
M: Yes it is.
J: Is it time to wake up, it seems really dark.
M: Yes it is.
J: Are you going to test?
M: I'm scared to.
J: OK...
M: OK, I'm gonna test now.
.......... Big blank white stick with ONE stupid little pink line...
J: Hey, what is it??!
M: Negative, what else?
I was then able to go back to sleep. This morning he asked me why I didn't seem upset. I said because I'm not. I just feel numb to the whole thing. I'm just going through the motions at this point to run out the insurance money so I can say we did all we could. I am really focused on doing our home study in October. I say October because you know I am going to have those stupid cysts again. So 2 more cyst months and 2 more IUI's. Should be done by the end of September. I think it's sad that I have kind of given up and that I was not surprised in the slightest bit to see the BFN. I really should have more emotion about this. Each month I have been crying less and less. The last IUI I think I only cried for about 2 minutes in the shower. I am just done with crying. It's just not in me.

Thanks for the support ladies, it means alot.

BTW: I stopped the progesterone so it will be interesting to see how much my temp drops tomorrow without it.

So I woke up WIDE awake at 4:30. I had to take my temp. It came out at 98.18. Yesterday it was 98.42 but that was at 5:45. I used the temp corrector and it says the corrected temp is 98.43... but I still see that 98.18 in my head. I have no idea what to think. So I am going to go with expecting a big drop and AF tomorrow but with a sliver of hope peeking through the clouds of doom.

This got me to wondering. For any of you that read this and are in the process of adopting or have already adopted... once you make the decision to adopt, do you still think about your monthly cycles? Do you think about Oing and whether you timed sex right? Do you wait on pins and needles for AF to show? Or have you finally been released from the 2ww curse? I need some hope that this will end when we move on to adoption. Thanks.

Also if you want to give me an opinion on the chart, here is the link.

Happy Pregnancy to Peace of Mind is All I Want and The Waiting Womb!!!!!!!

Infertility Video to educate the ones you love.

Hmmmm, temp was 98.42 again. What are the chances of it being exactly the same? I guess tomorrow is the big day, It should drop to 98 or lower tomorrow. I think I will go insane if it only drops to 98.2... Still won't test til Thursday unless it goes higher tomorrow. Hopes are still in check, not much hoping but not negative either.....

So this morning my temp was 98.42. That is the highest ever.... I did wake up about an hour before and then went back to sleep (have to rationalize everything to dim the positivity) so I am not sure if it is a fluke temp. We'll see with Wednesdays temp. That is the one (13dpo) that always drops like a rock and then af the next day. If it is still high Wednesday then let the excitement begin. If it's still high Thursday then I will test. So I really hope today was not a fluke but I am not getting hopes up because I have NO symptoms at all. But I have not lost hope because you don't need symptoms to be pregnant.

I am reading "Secret thoughts of an Adoptive Mom" It was recommended to me on the adoption chat board and I am so glad. Even if we never adopt, it is a very interesting book and I would HIGHLY recommend it to anyone considering adoption.

I was very proud of myself on Saturday. :) I have been going to the same dry cleaner for about 10 years now. She is one of those sweet, nosey types... when are you going to get a boyfriend? when are you going to get married? when are you going to have a baby??? So I went in on Saturday and she asked me the baby question (shockingly, she hasn't asked it since before we went to the RE) So I told her when we are blessed with one. She asked if we were "trying hard enough?" "did I know that you have to do it on certain days?" I actually giggled and told her that yes we were trying hard and yes I did know that you have to "do it" on certain days.

I then told her that we have a doctor helping us. She got a very concerned look on her face and said that wasn't necessary. I am too young, she had her son when she was 39. I said that yes, I am too young but my uterus has a different opinion. It is acting very old and will most likely even start menopause early. The doctor is trying to help us with drugs and stuff but if it doesn't work then we will adopt. Again another very shocked face. "You don't need to do that!!!!" I said we wanted to and that I have always wanted to adopt anyways we just might be doing it earlier than planned.

We talked a bit more and she even offered to ask one of her other customers that adopted what agency they used. I felt very proud of myself that I never got upset, I stayed very calm and gave her information that would educate but not overwhelm (she doesn't need to know about all the dildo cam appointments!) She was very understanding by the end and was very nice about it without being condescending. It makes me wonder if I have treated my friends in the same way? I treated her with respect and listened to her opinions but clarified for her why they didn't necessarily work for me. I think with my friends I just expect them to get it and if they don't then I just stop trying. This experience taught me that I need to step back a little bit and be in their shoes when hearing what I am going through and let them lead the conversation a bit more.

So anyways, I was proud of myself for not getting upset and learning something from the experience.

So here I am starting the 1ww! YAY! The cramps have pretty much disappeared but the boobs have kicked in today. I was beginning to think they might miss out on this 2ww but here they are, perking up, getting full and becoming a pain. :)

The rest of the trip was fine. I'm glad I stayed in my room, I got a much needed nap. We got out at 2 yesterday so I was able to beat a bunch of traffic. As we were sitting in the final meeting, I looked around the room (obviously the topic was sooooo intriguing) thinking to myself, there are about 150 people here... so one in 8... that's somewhere in the 18ish people range. So if I am one, who are the other 17? Are they already married and know they have if? Are they still young and have no idea the pain they are in for? Are they a man and oblivious to the pain their wife is going through? It was strange but a little comforting to look around the room and know there has to be other people in there going through what I am. It made me feel just a tiny bit less crazy.

Anyway, I am back to normal life now. Have a great weekend all my blog pals. I missed you the last couple days and need to catch up on my blog reading now!

Here I am in Lagun.a Bea.ch at a very nice hotel sitting in my room. I am here for a work conference and I should be out socializing with everyone but I just plain old don't want to. I don't care about chatting these people up. I don't want to be here next year. I want to be at home with my baby. Once I have my baby, these people will not matter. There's nothing wrong with them, it's just that I go to work to do my job and get paid. I can't help but look at it as a temporary thing. I keep asking myself if there is something out there I would like to do better. Would I be happier if I had a different job and the answer is no. I like the actual work I do. I like the company, I like the people. I have amazing flexibility with time and I have good (not great) insurance. The job I really want is dangling in front of me if only I could get my stupid body to do what nature intended. I try to not think about it, I try to get involved at work, I try to get excited about new projects, but I can't help looking around knowing that I am putting on a front. So here I am in my hotel room. There is a big outing to go to the beach to play volleyball and football and god knows what else but all I can think about is that it's a bit too cold and I want my uterus to stay nice and warm. They are all then going to a bar for about an hour, but with that I can only think about how I paid $3000 for my IUI. I know for normal people in the 2ww they can drink no problem, but that $3000 makes me not part of the norm and I just don't feel like I can stand around a bar drinking (plus I HATE standing around making stupid small talk... and for an hour??? Who likes this shit anyways????) We then have to eat dinner with everyone and then the real kicker is the "Evening Entertainment" WTF will that be? I heard someone say karaoke. I HATE karaoke!!!! and with your co-workers???? Is this some type of torture device? Are they weeding out the non sales people from the group? That's the problem, I am surrounded by sales people. There are about 150 people here and most of them are selling something. Either that is thir job ro they are selling themselves to get that job. What is wrong with me that I am just not interested? So here we are, back to me in my hotel room writing on my blog. I just feel like I need a few hours away from the pomp and circumstacnce to prepare myself for the "Evening Entertainment" god please save me from this hell next year!!!

BTW: I've been cramping since Saturday and had a 99 fever everyday by the afternoon. I'm trying very hard to not read into this. I also got dizzy at dinner last night..... I think that is just from all the hot air around here. Sorry this post was a big bitch fest but damnit I want a new job! One that is located in my home taking care of a screaming self centered mini person!

Every morning I go on a 3 mile walk with my mom at 6am. Today we were on our walk and I was telling her that my bloating feels like there is a big water balloon in my belly! She laughed and said she hopes it's 2 water balloons :) I thought that was pretty cute.

Thanks everyone for the comments of support. It's so nice to see comments. Only 2 rl people read this blog so everyone else is in blogger land but I feel like I do know some of you from reading your blogs too. I think I know some of you better than I know some of my rl people!!! Right now I have 15 blogs in my TTC list and I hope they all move to the PG blog list ASAP and I hope I can move over in your lists too. Good luck to all of us!

So as if buying clothes wasn't enough... we just got an email at work that we could get 10% off gift certificates at Burke Williams spa for mothers day. So i called me spa friend to see if she wanted one and of course she said yes! So I just ordered 2 certificates and we will be going to the spa soon! Well I LOVE the jacuzzi and steam room but I think those are frowned upon when pg soooooo come get me karma! Make me pg so I can't enjoy the spa in the same way I normally do!!!!!!

OK, only 10 days left! I'm going out of town tomorrow thru Thursday so that should help get my mind off things. By the time I get back, I will be half way through! I was also thinking this weekend about how we are a bit more than half way through on the treatments. If we only do 5 IUI's... Is there any hope to having a baby by Christmas if we adopt? Hmmm... I guess I am getting ahead of myself! I need to focus on this cycle! Fever and cramping yesterday. It could easily be chalked up to progesterone suppositories or it could be the beginning of pregnancy... or it could be dinner from Saturday! ugh... will this ever end?

OK, we made it! I had my btb IUI's and all seemed to go well. Added another 21 million swimmers to the pool today, hopefully one of them can find the prize!

I had a great day yesterday. Took the day off work so I slept in and went to the IUI at 10:30. I then went shopping and bought 2 pants, 1 shorts and 2 tops, none of which will fit when I get pregnant. I am hoping the karma in the universe will say "HAHA! You bought new clothes, I'll show you! I'll make you pregnant so that you will have wasted your money!!! HAHA!!!" Little does the karma universe know that I was using reverse psychology! Shhhh... don't tell it!

I then went home and watched 2 hours of tv, played on the computer and finished a novel. So to all of the people that constantly tell em to "Relax and then you will get pregnant!" Well now they can be as smug as they want when I get my bfp because I will tell them that I relaxed this cycle!

So now the countdown begins.... just 13 more days!

Dear little egglets,

I just wanted to let you know that 35 million little spermlets are on their way to visit you. Please take some time to meet them and see if you would like to join forces with one and make daddy and me a little twiglet. Come on, there are 35 million! I will also be sending another 20-30 million more your way tomorrow. I'm thinking that at least one of you (my 2 little egglets) can fine ONE little spermlet to your liking. Daddy and I would really appreciate it and we promise to make it worth your time. I'll check back with you in 2 weeks to see what you decided.

Love,
mommy

Can you believe it? I am only cd 8! My follies love Bravelle. I went in for my u/s follie check and there are 2 big follies ready to go (21.5 and 18.5) so the doctor sent me home to take my trigger shot. I was shocked! I didn't expect to trigger until Friday at least! Well DH normally gives me my shots so I was a bit nervous but I did it myself and it wasn't bad at all!

So I go in tomorrow and Friday for b2b IUI's. I've decided to take tomorrow off work to let the little guys swim around while I lay on the couch watching crappy daytime tv. Wish me luck!!!

Getting closer, looking forward to tomorrow. This cycle is pretty nice. I have a kind of peace with it. I think I will be ok if I only have one follie or 4 tomorrow. I am almost looking at this whole thing as a staircase to being a mom. Silly I know.. bear with me on my little analogy. Right now I envision us about 1/4 up the stairway. If we get a BFP this time then it's like I get to go on the elevator at the landing. If not then I just keep climbing the stairs.... a few more landings for IUI (maybe sit out cyst cycles) and then the last few stories of adoption. Eventually, sometime in 2008 (hopefully) we will get to the top of the stairway and find our child there. Taking the elevator would be nice but I think I have it in me to climb the whole way if need be. Knowing I can do it, makes this much easier.