I just got my EOB (explanation of Benefits) for my SHG. The RE charged $1110. Insurance paid $207.17 and RE accepts that. WTF? That's why it's so expensive for people who don't have insurance. They are making up for those of us that have insurance. Ugh, so unfair. Glad I am on the other side.

I did my first Lupron shot this morning all by myself. WOW, that is an easy one!

Congrats to Serenity, Sticky Bun and Belly Laughs!!! Twigs have sprouted!!!! YAY!!!! I love seeing the BFP's as they give me hope and I want hope to surround me for the next 6 weeks!!!

Speaking of blogs.... WTF is up with people blocking their blogs? I have had 2 blogs blocked that now say they only are for invited people. I feel like I have been kicked out of a club or something. Did I piss you off? Not offer enough support? Do I smell? WTF? These are the 2 blogs I miss, if anyone can tell me how to get back into the secret club, I would appreciate it.

I Will Be Mom
Me the Bumblebee

I went in for my u/s this morning and there were no cysts! This means I am ok to start taking the big drugs (the nurse practitioner this morning called Lupron the gateway drug :)) I will start tomorrow with possible side effects of restless sleep, headaches and hot flashes. Bring it on!!!! I just can't wait to get off these BCP's though. They are causing mild depression (just mild blues). I posted on my chat board about it yesterday and it seems a lot of people got this. They all said that it went away with in 1-2 days of stopping the pill though. So one more week.... my last pill is Sunday and I cannot wait!

I had such a great weekend! I spoke with a friend last week that lives several hours away. She had me describe all of the IVF and when I told her about the bedrest part she said to let her know when that will happen and she will come down and sit with me! That was the sweetest offer! I do plan on taking her up on it too!

On Saturday night we went to my friend S's house to have dinner with her family, it was such a nice evening. Her daughter Ella is now 5 weeks old and just so darn adorable! It was the first time Jamie met her and he even got to hold her. So cute! I wish I had a picture. It's so nice to see how well S is doing with Ella, she's sleeping most of the night and just an all around good baby. It was a wonderful night!

Fertile Hope is in pain right now, please go give her some love.

I'm back! Just got finished reading everyone's blogs (more imp to me than updating mine :)

One blog hit me pretty hard.... Peace of Mind Is All I Want the post today was about the tidal wave of infertility poison welling up inside of her and being released all of a sudden. She is 15 weeks pregnant and it seems like it all hit her. Well the post hit me. I keep telling myself that all this pain will be gone when I get pg or adopt. I think this is part of why a bit of me wants to just adopt so I can let it all go (that's unrealistic too, I realize) To know that IF still is with you when you are pregnant sucks. I did know this but to see it in black and white, well it's hard and it hurts even more. I want to be normal. I want to get pregnant by making love to my husband at home in our bed. I don't want to be thinking about the hard parts of adoption

I'll digress here... just watched Primetime Family Secrets a couple of nights ago. It followed a 15 yr old and an 18 yr old going through adoption. It was painful to watch the birthmother side. I was happy for the adoptive parents but the idea of your dreams coming true at the expense of someone else's intense heartache was soooo hard to watch. The worst part was seeing the girls parents say goodbye to their very first grandchild. OMG, the pain on their faces was unreal. I want to adopt someday but I always wanted to adopt a child not a baby, because we wanted to not because it was the only way to make a family. JUST ADOPT.... what idiots actually say this to people? They should all be shot.

So back to what I want, to be normal.... yeah, not much more to say on that.

I got my IVF schedule emailed to me (nice jump away from normal huh?) So aas I was looking it over it says I should have been taking BABY asprin!!! Agh, called the nurse and said no one told me this she said no problem just start taking it now. So there I was at sav-on buying baby asprin to take with my birth control pills and my prenatal vitamins. Could I be any more normal? Let me tell you, looking at the baby/childrens medication trying to find the asprin sucked. All the cute little babies on the bottles. Stupid babies, stupid bottles, stupid non normal me.

Anyways... I'm in a bit of a self pity funk at the moment, sorry you have to share in it. Back to my tentative schedule:
7-30 - u/s
7-31 - start Lupron, hot flashes and all sorts of menopausal hell
8-5 - take very last BCP (hopefully I will never have another one cross my lips again)
8-6 - expect AF to show... hopefully for the very last time for at least 9 months.
8-10 - u/s and start Bravelle and Menopur (continuing the Lupron) Grow follies Grow!!
8-21 - Possible ER (hoping for 10 good eggs)
8-24 - Possible ET (hoping for 2 good embryos)
9-5 - Beta test (hoping for very high HCG numbers to = BFP)

So there you have it. All my current hopes and dreams to hopefully be realized in just 6 weeks from now.

In this whole infertility mess, I keep myself company by reading 30+ blogs. You may have noted several posts of Another Twiglet is Sprouting! I am so very happy when one of us overcomes IF and gets themselves knocked up. Unfortunately the opposite happens but hopefully not very often.

Please go send some love to The Sweet Life. Her twiglet stopped growing. I can't imagine anything more painful. I am just so sad for her.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Kid? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list below. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #6 (Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters (Melissa)--Master Poster!!!
Kicking You From the Inside (Kate)
Baggage That Goes With Mine (Baggage)
Looking for Two Lines (LJ)
Child Bearing Hips (Cece)
Beaten But Not Bowed (Drowned Girl)
Waiting... (Sandra)
Weebles Wobblog (Lori)
It Could Take Three Months (Ms. C)


And now for what you all have been waiting for! My review of The Kid by Dan Savage!!! I very much enjoyed this book and do recommend it. My mom also read it and was bothered by the graphic descriptions of gay sex but to be fair she would have been equally bothered by the same amount of graphic description of hetero sex. I was not very bothered by it but could understand why she was. I thought it was a very different way of looking at adoption but brought up many of the same feelings and thoughts I have had. It all comes from such a different point of view but ends up having so many similarities. I especially loved the whole chapter where Dan Savage discusses staight infertility and compares it to his and his partners verrsion of infertility. Great read overall, if you do read it, enjoy!!! Here are the questions I have chosen to answer:

1. I really enjoyed this book and the different tone it took from many of the other books on infertility that we are presented with, namely that it was mostly humorous and told from the perspective of a gay male couple. The author says in the chapter "Grieving Our Infertility" (page 25 in my book, but not sure if we all have the same printing) that "Heterosexual identity is all wrapped up in the ability of heterosexuals to make babies....Infertility did more than shatter their expectations; it undermined their sexual identities." If you're part of a heterosexual couple and in fertility treatment, did you feel the same way? Did you feel that you had lost your sexual identity once you started treatment, or had somehow "failed" as a partner in terms of what is expected of you as a woman?

--I personally have had issues with our sex life since finding out that sex will most likely not equal a baby. I mainly think this has to do with feeling my body is broken and doesn't work as nature intended so what is the point of partaking in such a natural act as sex with my husband. I think that with moving forward to IVF this will help. The pressure is off any sort of in home sex and therefore I don't have to associate any sex with baby making at all. This is freeing me a bit to try to have sex for enjoyment (What?? Sex for enjoyment and not baby making???) Even with the IUI's you wanted to time sex to a couple of days before the actual IUI and right after so you could "think" the baby was made at home. Not possible at all with IVF. So this is all still a work in progress for me, not for DH though, he seems to have no issues in this area.

2. Dan Savage comes to truly appreciate doing an open adoption, particularly at the moment that Melissa transfers the baby to him and Terry. He states that seeing her pain and feeling the pain of their separation "drove home the logic of open adoption, its absolute necessity" (pg. 216). How do you feel about open adoption? Did reading Savage's book influence your feelings?

-- This section of the book made me cry. I was so touched by the whole scene and had trouble reading it. Trouble in a good way, I felt Melissa's pain as well as Dan and Terry's. I was already sold on open adoption and this is the way we plan to adopt; however, this reinforced my feelings and added reasons to knowing this is the right option for us.

3. What would you have done if given only a few hours to decide whether or not to take someone like Melissa into your life in such a permanent way? Would you have avoided the situation altogether at the expense of becoming a parent or growing your family?

-- Melissa was such an interesting character. You felt her honesty right away. I think with only a few hours we would have gone forward with the adoption. I kind of compare it to DH and I getting pregnant, with my age we have such a high risk of downs syndrome. With our backgrounds we have a high chance of alcoholism, depression, dementia, drug addiction and various other issues. With Melissa not being a drug addict and appearing to have a healthy sonogram, she almost seems perfect.

4. For a work of non-fiction, the theme of signs and coincidences plays such a large role in The Kid. On page 152, Dan writes about three twists of fate that bring Terry and he and Melissa together: "...the Seattle conception, the likelihood that Melissa spare changed us on Broadway, and the fact that the kid would be born at OHSU." Many other signs present themselves through the book such as the incident with Judy's fortune cookies, and my favorite, the fact that Dan and Terry had their first encounter in a bathroom and that they found themselves in a bathroom together at the moment their son was being born. What role do signs and coincidences play in your life in relation to your infertility and treatment? Do you find that you actively look for signs (good or bad), and how much do you take them to heart?

-- The one "sign" that I cannot stop thinking about is that I have wanted to adopt a child since I was 15 years old. Not in a "wouldn't that be nice" sort of way but a "I WILL adopt a child someday" sort of way. When I first started dating DH I asked him how he felt about adoption because I would be adopting and if we would have a future together he needed to agree with this. I always said that I would adopt at least one child (3-8 years old) unless for some reason I couldn't have a bio baby then I would adopt a baby. Now here I am 19 years later with adoption reality in front of me and I wonder if I am wasting my time with fertility treatments. Was I always meant to adopt and God putting this acceptance on my heart when I was 15 the reason? Was I truly that smart to make sure my future husband would agree to this on our third date so that we would be able to do this? Is this the reason BOTH of our families are so open about adoption? All of the signs point to adoption for us so am I screwing with fate by pursuing IVF? Or am I doing the right thing by making it so I can go 100% into adoption saying we did all we could? I know, I am answering this question with 100 questions but this question hits the bullseye with what I am dealing with right now.

Thank you to all of the girls (and one guy) that were a part of this book tour. The questions above came from the book club readers. Please take a moment to click on their links and see what questions they chose to answer!!!

On a vacation note, I have been asked why I am on the computer during my vacation. The simple asnwer is that I am addicted. I love to know what all of my fellow bloggers are doing and who is testing etc. I can't just walk away for 2 weeks! So I check the important stuff, the blogs, update my blog and check out my TTTC board. I try to do this first thing in the morning before breakfast and then I move on to vacation time!!!! Now that the Book Brigade is over I may try to only do this every other day..... who are we kidding... I'll just play it by ear!! I am having a great vacation though!!!!

So there was a show on last year I think called What About Brian. It had 6 episodes and then went off the air adn came back 6 months later. I saw the first 6 but didn't see the rest. The show was full of a bunch of 20 somethings and a token late 30- early 40 something sister who had fertility issues. I remember her and her hot, younger husband at the RE and her husband refusing to do any treatments, if they couldnt get pg on their own then forget it. I then remember scenes of her in a bathroom shooting up fertility drugs without him knowing. I don't know why I thought of this yesterday and why I felt compelled to write about it, but how in the hell is it possible to be on fertility drugs in secret from your husband???This is really bugging me now and it was over a year ago that I saw this show!! And bugging me enough to write a post about it? Hmm, i think that is because even with the stupid BCP's I complain enough to make sure DH knows I am on them. I think I am just really bothered that we have to do all this and as IVF approaches and how big of a deal it is, I appreciate even more what a wonderful DH I have and thinking about that show makes me sad.

OK, enough of that!!!! BTW, I finished The Kid last night, loved it!!! You'll get my review tomorrow.

Woo-hoo!!!! I am on vacation!!! We did the 14 hour drive yesterday and DH did the whole thing!!! I mainly read (I am one of those very lucky people that can read in a car, I feel blessed) I read The Kid which is from the Barren Bitches Book Brigade. Keep your eyes peeled as I will be posting my answers to questions on Wednesday. Other than that I plan on enjoying my vacation, taking my BCP/PNV coctail and relaxing. Please don't expect too much from the blog. Sorry if any new readers stop by on the Book tour and think "This chick sucks! She never updates her blog!"

No, not the C&C Music Factory song... I bet you are humming it now though aren't you?!?!?!?

As I took my pre-natal vitamin this morning (for the 19th month...) I thought about the birth control pill I took last night.... hmmm, quite the contradiction.

YAY! The SHG went very well. All clear up there, funny but it didn't even cross my mind that something could be wrong up there until they said it looked good. I guess since the HSG I had in January went well, I just wasn't worried. She also did the mock transfer and that was really quick, no issues there either.

So I start my BCP's tonight and leave for vacation Sunday! YAY!!!

I talked to my doctor yesterday and she gave me the complete rundown and answered all my questions. It was a great conversation!

Before I get into that though, I want to clarify something on my post earlier. In the email I sent my friends and family I wrote "I know that some of you have feelings against IVF (I really hope you won’t hold it against us) and I did too until it became a reality for us." TTC with DH through IVF with AMA and a MF for a BFP left a comment asking what I meant and I re-read it and realized that it looks like I meant I was against IVF. Agh, so not what I meant. I used to say I would never do IVF because of the cost (about $12,000) and I couldn't bear the thought of half of the cost of adoption still would not guarantee us a baby. I preferred to look forward to adoption after the IUI's. I thought that if we did spend the $12k and it didn't work I would have a lot of trouble with that. So when I said I was against IVF, that is what I meant. I actually had been thinking lately of asking the clinic if there was a study we could be a part of or something once our insurance ran out. Fortunately I found out about the increase in our insurance and didn't even hesitate in deciding to pursue IVF. I consider us incredibly lucky to have this opportunity.

So now, here is how my IVF #1 will work:

1. Friday - 7-13 - I go in for a SHG (sonohystogram) and a mock transfer
• This will be very similar to the HSG I did but it's supposed to be a little less painful. My doctor will insert water into my uterus to look around. She will also use the IVF catheter to do a mock transfer making sure it will work. She will also measure to the back of my uterus so that she doesn't accidentally touch it during the real transfer.
2. Friday - 7-13 - I start the glorious birth control pills (BCP) and continue them for about 3 weeks
• The BCP's start shutting down my system so that all of my follies will grow together and at the same rate (hopefully)
  
3. Beginning of August - 5 days before last BCP I start taking Lupron injections.
• Lupron will stop ovulation and the signals from my pituitary gland. Otherwise with the massive rise in estrogen my body would try to ovulate all my pretty follies before they were mature.
4. Around August 3rdish - Start taking Bravelle and Menopur injections for around 9 days and continue taking Lupron injections.
• These make the follies grow!
5. Around August 13thish - Hopefully we have 7-9 mature follies, if we do I will take the trigger shot of HCG which will cause me to ovulate
6. 36 hours later - Jamie will go to the office and enjoy the free porn and I will go in for the egg retreival (ER) - I will be put under by IV for approx. 15 minutes while my doctor uses the magic dildocam with a needle on the end (extra-special dildocam!) She will penetrate my uterine walls to go into the ovaries and each follicle to retrieve the eggs. (I am just amazed that science has figured this out) I will then wake up and be in recovery for about 1 hour. Before I leave the office they will tell me how many eggs they got and I will then go home to rest. They will then put my eggs and Jamie's sperm in a party petrie dish where they will hopefully make friends.
7. Next day - I will get a call telling me how many eggs opened the door to a very special sperm.
8. 3rd day after ER - I will go in for the Embryo Transfer (ET) Hopefully there will be 2 6-8 cell embryos and they will be transferred into me in a very similar manner as the IUI. I will rest a while and hopefully my acupuncturist will be able to come in and give me some more needle pokin. I am then sent home for 3 days of modified bed rest. I can sit up to eat and read, but mainly lay and watch tv. Up for the restroom and a snack but not to make a meal. No lifting, no sex, no caffeine, no alcohol.
9. Next 3 months - Daily Progesterone shots (these will stop if I am not pregnant though but let's think positively and hope I get a daily shot for 3 months!)
   
10. End of August - Blood test to check my beta - this checks the amount of HCG in my system, hopefully alot indicating a pregnancy.
11. Early May - Deliver beautiful bouncing bundle of love. (or maybe even 2)

So this all has a 45% chance of working (assuming 2 embryos, my age, etc.) I asked why not the 60% I had heard and she said that was for donor eggs (boo!) Assuming the 45% works, I will have a 30-35% chance of twins (YAY!)

So there you have it, I'll be able to get some better date estimates once I stop the BCP's. I would normally take them for about 2 weeks but my doctor is going on vacation and I didn't want a different doctor and I didn't want to wait an extra month.

OK, I think I have written enough for one day! Whew!

WARNING: This will be a very long post. You may skip it if you like but I want to have documented for myself and my future child(ren) all of the support that we have around us.

On Monday I sent out this email to friends and family that have expressed interest in our path to becoming parents.

I had another negative test this morning so that means that our 4th and final IUI did not work. We were going to try a 5th but I found out on Friday that our Infertility coverage at work has been increased. This now makes IVF affordable for us. I talked it over with Jamie and we will be doing IVF in August. I know that some of you have feelings against IVF (I really hope you won’t hold it against us) and I did too until it became a reality for us. It’s amazing what this infertility rollercoaster makes you change your mind on. Adoption is getting much closer on the horizon, not sure yet how many IVF’s our insurance will cover, but if it is just one then we may start the adoption process as soon as September.

Thank you for your continued prayers, thoughts and support.

If you would like to learn more or just see a first hand view of someone going through all this, let me know and I will give you the link to my infertility blog. I’m not just posting it because it is very honest and I want to keep it that way so I want to know who I am exposing my heart to.

Here are the responses I have received as of today:

"I’m so sorry to hear this – what an emotional rollercoaster. I’m thinking of you and sending a hug." - N

"As always I wish you and Jamie the best. I am very sorry to hear about your test today. I will continue to keep you both in my prayers. :)" - C

"I say congratulations to you that your Infertility Coverage has been increased!!!! I sincerely also say – go get ‘em girl – when it comes to IVF. Obviously, I am not extremely knowledgeable, but I did a little search online and say, good for you!!!! I really hope this one works out for you, and if it doesn’t, then I will still be there to hear about the next steps!!! I will continue to keep the two of you in my thoughts, and pray for your success with this next step.Again, congrats on your decision to try IVF!" - F

"I think that is GREAT! I am SO HAPPY for you guys that you can try IVF now---better chance for success! Also, I am not sure of your exact issues but just keep in mind that if your eggs are a serious issue, you could do IVF with donor eggs and that way you could still carry and birth the baby (vs adoption). I know two different couples who did that and they are SO HAPPY. One of the woman's eggs just didn't take after multiple IVF tries for 1 of them so then they did donor and it worked the first time...the other couple didn't even try IVF with her own eggs first, they went straight to donor because she knew her eggs would not work. Anyway, GOOD LUCK and thanks for the update on your journey to motherhood! You'll get there..." - A

"Sorry your test came out negative. I’m glad your insurance coverage has changed so you can have another go. I would like to read your blog so please send me the link. " - G

"Please link me to your blog. I will be praying for you. You and Jamie make the best decision for you guys- I hope people will keep their opinions to themselves. Even me! I love you guys and KNOW that you will be wonderful parents! " - J

"Hopefully you know I am very interested in whatever you go through and want to share. I have read the blog up to the point I wrote back to you. If there is anything added I would like to read it. If you do or don't want to talk about it openly ... I understand. If it is comfortable, I would love to talk freely about the process whenever we get together." - L

"So sorry, love, many hugs" - G

"Just wanted you and Jamie to know I'm thinking of you. I am interested in getting to understand a bit more, too. I thought IUI was IVF now I realize they are not." - K

"I am so sorry to hear that...I will keep sending up those prayers for you guys. It is such an emotional rollercoaster you guys are on these days. The IVF sounds hopeful to me!" - R

"Wow, I'm sorry Di but I know it'll happen weather it be IUI, IVF or adaoptive process, you & Jamie will be parents soon...I'm still praying! I love you." - A

"Good luck to both you and Jamie. Just know that I have gone through hell and back with fertility and I understand what you are up against. I am here for you, Jamie or both. Anything at all I can do, just say the word. The one thing that I can say is you will definitely find out who your friends are. Forget the judgmental ones, keep the supportive ones, as they are the true friends." - S

"Thank you for letting me know the updates on what has been going on with the IUI's. ...want to wish you and Jamie our very very best as you make your way to the next level to the IVF process. We wish you much success and feel that your chances will be even better going that route. I had a really good talk with your mom last night...I know how heartbreaking this whole process has been for you and your family. Still, there is always hope. And having hope is always a good thing. So, I am keeping the faith and thinking good thoughts for you!" - L

"Just want to let you know that we continue to support whatever direction your efforts toward parenthood take you--you and Jamie are having to make a lot of very intimate and personal decisions and we'll just love you whatever the outcome." - M

"Well, I'm not going to sit here and say I'm sorry and that it'll be ok, because I know first hand that it all doesn't matter and it really doesn't help. But please know this, my heart is with you guys and I will support you in whatever you do! I love you Di! And yes, I would like to see the link." - M

" I am so sorry the IUI did not work. It must be so hard and frustrating. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I hope something wonderful happens for you both. I know you and Jamie are going to be great parents. I would love to see your blog if you want me to. If you ever need a friend to talk to I will be here to listen. I wish you luck with everything. " - M

"When I got this message I was working from home and email was running slow. I was so impatient to open the email I was almost crazy. Then I'm reading the first line and I said "ohhhhh noooo" then I kept reading and said "oh? ;-)" ... So instead of being sad I'm thinking well....this way you get to go and just enjoy your vacation and then get on with being a mommy. First things first, have your last real vacation alone (I say this because you will never have a vacation alone again...you may leave the kids physically at home an leave, but they are with you always in every waking thought...) So enjoy...have a couple glasses of wine - get a little tipsy and have a great time. Don't get too freaked about the hot flashes, etc. I know that for some people it never happens and for others it is relatively nothing at all. Sometimes it is mind over matter and we can talk ourselves into feeling badly. You're one tough cookie, if anyone can do this with a smile on your face it's you! ... Anyway.... hang in there. One way or another you'll be a mommy (probably more than once)!" - N

I also received several personal phone calls of support. It's just so amazing. When I wonder why we are going through this, I have to think part of it is to see all of the love and support around us. I also know that alot of people around us have learned alot about infertility from our experience and learning more is never a bad thing.

All right, officially moved to Cycle 17 today. Not sad about seeing AF, kinda glad because I want to get started on the IVF process. I just spoke with my nurse to let her know and she said she already called the pharmacy with my prescription so I will pick up my BIRTH CONTROL PILLS this afternoon and start them Friday. WOW, I vowed to NEVER go on BCP's again, ever!!! Here I am doing it voluntarily before I even have a baby, so that I can have a baby!!! That is the craziest thing ever.

She is also going to have the doctor call me to describe the protocol and answer any questions I have, I have already written down 7 so hope she calls soon or I may have a book for her to answer :)

Thank you for all the support about moving onto IVF, I'm so sad that there are so many experience people out there but happy that I am not alone.

I made a big step yesterday. I sent an email to the people who know about our TTTC and have been supportive. I let them know that IUI #4 failed and that we are moving to IVF. I also said if they wanted to follow along or learn more to let me know and I would give them the link to this blog. 4 people asked me for it so welcome to them! If I use any acronyms that you don't know, send me an email and I will answer any question you have. I will also add a little thing at the bottom of the sidebar on the right that will have the most used acronyms. I am used to almost all of the people who stop by my blog having infertility themselves so most of them know this stuff already. So welcome and I hope this isn't too graphic for you. I'm just trying to keep it honest :)

The email led to a funny incident. My aunt called me to give support on moving to IVF. At the end of our call we were talking about DH and I going on vacation this weekend. She said "Relax and have a great time... oh no, I didn't mean relax, I meant uhhh...well relax... but not like RELAX..." I started laughing and told her I knew what it meant. :) She gets it and that makes me smile.

I fell soooo much better today, back to normal. In fact, I felt almost normal by lunch yesterday. I know that doesn't mean I am a cold person and that I didn't care about the BFN, but it does make me wonder how I can get over it so fast. I think the vacation (we'll be gone at least a week!!! YAY!) and the start of IVF gives me hope. I also think that sadly, I am used to the BFN's so they don't come as a shock. They are expected and so I think I actually start mourning a few days before hand. Have no idea if this is healthy but it's what works for me.

I asked Jamie this morning about the IVF. He is very positive about it and mainly follows my lead in treatment. If I didn't want to do it, he would also be ok moving straight to adoption. Well after talking to the doctors office yesterday, they explained that they will only get paid about $3000 for the IVF due to the agreements they have with my insurance. This means we could probably do 3 of them. I asked Jamie if he would eb willing to do 3. He said let's start with one. Turns out he is really worried about my mental state with all of this. He is concerned about the drugs and their effects and the possibility of a BFN. It's very nice of him to worry about this aspect but it makes me wonder how crazy I will get?

Here are the basics of IVF as I know it. I will start birth control pills for 2-3 weeks to start controlling my system. I will then take Lupron which will stop me from ovulating and mimic menopause. This is the part I don't look forward to, hot flashes and all. I will then start the stims which will grow my follies. Then surgery where I am put under and they remove the eggs. Eggas are then mixed with sperm in a petrie dish and we hold our breath for 3-5 days hoping they become embryos. Hopefully 2-3 will look great and they will put them back in me in the same manner they did the IUI's. About 10 days later we do a beta to find out if anything stuck. Whole process will be around 6 weeks starting this weekend. IVFers, please comment anything I am missing and if you had a BFN, how hard was it really? How hard were the drug s/e's?

As you can see from my post below I am having a pretty shitty day. I just laughed out loud though so I thought I'd share. I have a counter on my blog that tells me how many people read it etc. One of the things it shows is what Googled words got a stranger to my blog (Perky Ovaries knows all about this!) Anyways, I glance at it every now and then and it's usually googled words like IUI, Bravelle, dildocam (haha) but today one of them was "damn fertiles" HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!!!!!! DAMN FERTILES HAHAHAHAHAH! OK, if this didn't make you laugh you have never been on the other side of the fertile fence. If it did make you laugh then know that I will make myself smile all day thinking about this and I hope you will too. If you are the one that found my blog by searching for damn fertiles on google, well I am sorry that you are pissed off at the damn fertiles in the world and glad you found my blog. Know that you made this infertile girl smile. Thank you.

I am very numb about this. I was on the verge of tears in the shower but the tears just won't come. I knew it would be negative, I just wasn't feeling it. I still can't imagine being pregnant, ever. I stopped my progesterone so AF should be here by Wednesday.

The only silver lining is about our insurance increasing so now we can afford IVF instead of another worthless IUI. I just called my doctor and they are calling in a prescription for BCP's for me to start 3 days after AF comes. I cannot believe I am going to go on BCP's to try to get pg. This is crazy.

I am just so sad but so numb at the same time, does that make sense? My arms really do feel empty.

A co-worker friend of mine just called me. She is getting ready to do a cycle of IVF and called our insurance to see what her balance is (we get a $5000 blanket IF amount to use however) They told her that the amount increased to $10000!!! I need to get this confirmed in writing but if it is true..... I have only used about $3500 so that would give us $6500 to put towards IVF. I just called DH and he said that was great and we should give it a shot!!!

Lesson learned for me. I always said I would NEVER do IVF. Too much money, too much heartache. DH asked if I could handle the disappointment if it didn't work and I think I could. (One of my big issues was spending $10k and it not working) The failed IUI's have been so painful but I pulled through so I think I could with this. We were going to do one more IUI but I think we will definitely do IVF instead assuming the insurance lady was correct!

Agh, I'm excited now!!! Of course this will all be pointless if I could just get a BFP on Monday from IUI#4!!!


*****UPDATED***** I have it in writing!!!! Our IF coverage is a $10k lifetime maximum and drugs do not count to the maximum!!! WOWWWWWEEEE! So now the question is how many IVF's can we do? With drugs not counting, that is a huge part of the IVF cycle so my doctor is checking about how much we will pay and then I will know how many we are willing to do. A big part of me hopes we can only do one so that we can move onto adoption in September. If we can do more than one then I will but part of me just wants to be done, needs to be done.

OK, so it seems to be the week of BFP's (oh please can it continue til Monday!!! Please, please, please!!!)


Fertile Hope and Still Trying After All Those Pills have sprouted a twig! YAY!!!! Go give them some congrats!!

For me, I am on 10dpiui and not feeling much anymore. One little possible interesting thing is that the bewbies have not been sore for about 2 days now; however, this morning they feel full, kind of hard. My hopes will skyrocket if they hurt tomorrow. No matter what, I will not test until Monday. If I saw a BFN before then, I could tell myself it was early but I wouldn't believe it. Although my hope is waning, I'd like to keep onto it's shreds just a little bit longer.

Congrats to The Sweet Life AND A Somewhat Ordinary Life they have Baby Twiglets sprouting. Please stop on by and give them some congrats!!!

Oh I had such a great weekend!!! On Saturday we had our 3rd annual BBQ. There were about 40 people there and it was so much fun to hang out and enjoy the beautiful weather! I of course thought about how nice it would be to have a 3 month old running around (not literally running...) next year...

I had a BFP dream last night. This was the first that I can remember. I got the 2 lines and then took a digital and it said pregnant. I was so happy in the dream! I was crying and soooo excited. I then woke up and realized it was a dream and was soooo sad. Then the stupid part of me started remembering all the people that have posted on the chat board that the month they got their BFP, they had a dream about it. So of course this gives me hope. An on the subject of silly reasons to have hope, I am sitting at my desk typing this with cramps. They are very mild AF like cramps... I sure hope they aren't gas!!! What I wouldn't give for a bit of spotting today!!! Are we all this crazy?