That is what time I went to bed last night! Driving home from work, my eyeballs hurt from being so tired. I got home and put on my jammies (those who know me know that that is not unusual!) and washed my face. Plan was to lay on the couch and watch tv. I knew if I layed in bed for a nap I would not wake up til 1 am and that would be no good. By 5:30 I was dying so I made some dinner and that perked me up a bit. By 6:30 I was just counting the minutes. My goal was to stay awake til 8. Jamie got home at 7:30 and I said "Oh good! You can tuck me in and I can go to bed now!" He laughed at me and said it wasn't even 8 yet! I said it didn't matter, I was done. He said we have to do what Twiggy wants and if Twiggy wants bed then so be it! So I was tucked in at 7:46 and Jamie suggested I read til 8 and I thought I could but when I reached over for my book I just couldn't do it. Turned off the light instead and was probably snoring by 7:50. Slept like a rock all night. Whew! I was tired!

At our appointment yesterday I tried to nail down my doctor on when exactly she was going to kick me out. I really do not want to leave my RE. I love them, I love my doctor, my nurse and the whole staff. It feels like a second home at this point and I have never had such a wonderful level of care from a medical staff. She said that I will keep doing the weekly u/s's until she sees 3 things, a heartbeat, growth and movement. Well we have the first 2 and should see movement somewhere in the next 3-4 weeks. She said she would like me to have my first OB appt between weeks 10-12 and at that time she will have me on a plan to wean off the drugs. She suggested I might want to make the appt soon though since OB offices seem to have long lead times.

So yesterday I took the big plunge. I made a call that I only could have dreamed of making before. I called my OB/GYN's office and made an appt with my doctor for October 31st. My doctor is on vacation the 2 weeks before that and I didn't want to make it too early! So at the end the nurse asked what I was making the appt for and I smiled to myself and said outloud "PRE-NATAL" she said ok as if it happens everyday, which I am sure it does for her and that was it. Little does she know what a monster huge step that was for me and how much it meant. I HAVE MY FIRST PRE-NATAL APPT SCHEDULED!!! You know why? Because I am PREGNANT! It's still pretty crazy. I am still in awe.

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Side note to those of you that commented on how wonderful my grandma is (grandma read the comments on "Sad Friday", and you will see what I mean.) Yes she does rock, I think it took her a little while to get the whole IF thing but once she really understood she became a part of my wonderful support system.

The main person in my support system (aside from Jamie of course) is someone you won't see comments from. My mom who is just too shy to leave them and sends me email comments instead. Just to toot her horn a little bit, she has read every book on IF and adoption that I have and reads alot of your blogs. She now knows as much about IF, IUI's, IVF, etc as any of us. I hope all of you are as lucky as me to have at least one person like my mom or grandma in your support system. (I am just going to assume you all have a Jamie equivalent!)

Today your daddy and I went in for our second ultrasound. I wasn't as scared as last time but I was a bit nervous. I was more excited than anything else and your daddy couldn't stop smiling. The doctor was quiet at first and I actually told her that I don't like it when she is quiet. She said she doesn't like being quiet but she doesn't want to say anything until there is something to say. Right then she said "OK, I see a heartbeat!" Your dad and I looked at the screen and we could see your heartbeat going a mile a minute! It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life. I expected it to be a flashing light, like a lighthouse or something but it was more amazing than that. It was like 2 mouths stuck on top of each other beating in turn, opening and closing. WOW, truly the most beautiful thing ever. I can't believe I have 2 hearts beating inside of me right now!!! We weren't able to hear your heartbeat yet but the doctor expects we will next week. She measured you at 6 weeks 4 days (so I have changed the tickers on the blog to match a new due date of May 17th) which matches nicely with the 5 weeks 5 days from last time. We can't wait to see you again next week where we should be able to see a definite head and body and of course HEAR your heartbeat. WOW.

Here is your second ultrasound picture. You can see the line the doctor drew to measure your length.




We love you so much already,
love, mommy and daddy

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To everyone else,
Now about Friday. I was a mess and left work early, about 1pm. I went home and took a 2 hour nap, woke up and went to acupuncture. She asked how I was and I just started crying (this seems so silly now after seeing the heartbeat this morning!) She asked if we saw the yolk sac and I said yes and she got very excited. She is also a nurse/midwife so I trusted what she said. She said that it is very common for her to just see the yolk sac and no fetal pole around 6 weeks. so it sounded great to her. She calmed me some more and I was able to relax during the treatment. By the time I left I felt healed. I was positive about seeing the yolk sac and fetal pole and was looking forward to today. Don't get me wrong, there was still a bit of worry but it wasn't taking me over like it did in the morning. I did pretty good over the weekend too and stayed pretty calm. YAY for acupuncture. I recommend it for everyone!

Please give some love to The Wizard of Ovulation.

Also a friend on my local Nestie board lost her "eggy" today at 9 weeks. I am so sad and heartbroken.

I am also terrified. Being surrounded by sadness and loss is just so hard. It is of course harder for the girls and their husbands who are experiencing the loss but it is just another big fat reminder how delicate my situation is. (As if I didn't already know by the 2 people people who insisted on pointing it out!!...yes I am still bitter about it)

Jamie asked when I will be able to relax and I said when I see the heartbeat but as these 2 examples show, the heartbeat just doesn't mean everything. I will then need to see it a second time and a third. Maybe after I see it sucking it's thumb. I don't know, after 18 months of nothing happening and my body screaming over and over again "I DON'T WORK!!! STOP THIS WORTHLESS TRYING!!!" I almost feel like I tricked it into letting this embryo move in. I am afraid my stupid body will try to prove it doesn't work again and evict the poor little twiglet. I honestly do not think I will ever stop worrying.

So everyone who voted for singleton wins the prize. Please pat yourselves on the back!

This was probably one of the most stressful appointments I have been to. I sat in the waiting room with Jamie (who can't stop smiling) thinking I am about to cry. I was convinced we would see an empty sac. When we finally got called in and I was sitting on the table just dreading it. The doctor came in and asked how I was and I said terrified. She started out with the screen towards her and didn't say anything for what seemed forever. Finally she says, "OK, let me show you what I am seeing." She then pointed out the circle in the middle that is the yolk sac and what she "thinks" is the fetal pole. She measured it and said it was measuring 5 weeks 5 days which she said corresponded to my low beginning HCG numbers. This little one just took his time implanting and that is making everything about 2 days behind. She figures we are missing the heartbeat by 1-2 days. ARGHHHH!!!! So she suggests me coming back on Monday which I cannot do since I am traveling out of town for work!! Double ARGHHH! We now have an appointment for Wednesday at 8:30 where we will see the heartbeat. This is going to be the longest weekend of my life.

I asked her about the no symptoms except tired and hungry and she said those were both great signs. She said I have been taking progesterone so long that my body is a bit used to it and that is why I don't have the sore boobs etc yet.

I am going to try very hard to stay positive until Wednesday! No one better come tell me that can't be happy for me dammit or I might just have to rip off their head!

YAY for week 6!!!! Baby is about the size of a lentil bean this week!!! Starting to get hints of nausea after eating and finally getting a few blue veins on my bewbies, but still no pain.

Looking forward to the u/s tomorrow. I am thinking with my slow start beta #'s there is going to be one, but I am going to hope for 2 and be a bit surprised at 3. Jamie is convinced there will be 3. So anyone want to cast their vote? Answer will be revealed in tomorrow's post!!!

On another note, I just had a second person tell me (out of the blue, asked how I was doing and then..) that it is hard for THEM to be happy for me. They are worried something can still happen so it's too hard to be happy. I flat out told her to keep that to herself and that I can't think about that and will only think positive. She said, ok... but it's hard. I know she loves me, I know she's worried due to other things that are going on but I don't know if I can keep myself in check if a third person says this to me or Jamie. My #1 complaint about the side effects of infertility and doing IVF is that alot of people knew we were doing it and therefore knew the outcome much sooner than I would have preferred to tell people. Here is the #1 reason why. Some people suck even when they love you.

So yesterday after lunch I was really struggling. My boss was talking to me about a new project and I had trouble paying attention. It's almost like I was a bit tipsy or something. Luckily he sent me email info and I took notes so I'm ok with it today.

By the time I got home I took a nap, Jamie woke me after a little over an hour because dinner was ready. He laughed at me when I stood in the kitchen and had to grab hold of the counter because I was so tired I could barely stand!!! Dinner refreshed me a bit and I stayed awake until 8:45. I then crashed and slept through the whole night waking at 6 for my walk with my mom. I am thinking the raccoons are really to blame because so far today I feel much better than yesterday at the same time. I am sure I will be tired when I get home and go to bed early but at least I don't feel like I can fall over right now!

It is reassuring to know my body is getting worn out making this baby(ies), it's working hard!!!!

So this weekend a symptom hit me big time. Fatigue. I napped on Saturday but I was just watching tv waiting for the cable guy at my moms house. Yesterday I was at the grocery store around 1 and realized I was exhausted. I couldn't think of anything but sleep. I got home and Jamie helped me bring the groceries into the house. I put away the frozen stuff and announced I was taking a nap. He asked if I wanted him to put away the groceries and I told him to leave them (he was busy painting our new window trim and I didn't want him to have to stop.) So we left all the groceries on the counter and I went to bed. I slept for over an hour. But wow, I felt good when I woke up and was able to go on with the day! I'm interested to see what happens today at work, especially since we had sleeping issues last night. Chalk it up to a family of raccoons deciding to throw a disco party in our backyard at 2am. Hunger is also really rearing its head. When I get hungry, I really get hungry and need food now. I have kind of always been that way but this seems to come on a bit faster.

On Saturday I went out with 3 girlfriends and one of them commented on my unbuttoned jeans (they are just too tight at the end of the day!) It's nice that I am now excused to unbutton the pants and no one thinks I am crazy! We had a great evening though and I even stayed up til 10. The minute I got home though, you guessed it, straight to bed!

One other thing that I really like. I feel like I have a big secret. At the grocery store, I kept looking at people and thinking "they don't know my secret" and I would smile to myself! I love this delicious little secret (even though a zillion people know) Life is just so very good right now and I am enjoying every minute!

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Congrats to The Vicious Cycle of Cycles, topcat and Waiting In Line...My turn, yet? they all have a twig growing too!!!!!

Todays beta was 2147. Progesterone was 61.1 and Estrogen was 322. All very good! YAY! U/s is scheduled for Thursday 9/20 at 9am. We will find out how many and hopefully see a heartbeat or two or three. :)

Doing the happy dance this weekend!

I understand that to the majority of my readers, you are saying to yourself, "No shit Sherlock, tell me something I do not know." But I think this needs to be reiterated again and again.

Infertility is now a part of what defines me. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an employee, a Christian, A California licensed driver.... you get the point. In there is that I am also an infertile. Because of this I will have a bit of sadness that I do not think will ever go away. I know there are some people that have or will stop reading my blog because they cannot bear to read about a pregnancy and I "get it." I will "get it" whenever someone says they have been trying for a while with that look in their eyes. I will "get it" if someone ever talks to me about a first visit to the RE. I will "get it" when someones first IUI fails. And even though our 1st IVF has so far succeeded, I will "get it" when someone else's does not.

I am angry, very angry that The Gallagher TTC Journey BFP has ended. This breaks my heart and makes my whole being hurt.

I spent all day refreshing So When Will You Have Kids?!! blog. You see on Tuesday she had her beta done and it was 16. She was worried. I tried to give her hope by sharing that mine was 18. She went for her 2nd beta today and I was waiting all day to see an increased number. Another success story. That did not happen.

Why did she get a 16 and it not work and I got an 18 and am so far lucky? Luck? Really? That is by far not fair. I am no more special than she is. I am sure she had lots of people praying for her, loving her, supporting her and hoping for her. What did that get her? A fucking chemical pregnancy. I'm sorry but I am pissed off. In the last week I have seen at least 5 IVF's fail around me. I cried on the drive home and am crying now. I'm just so mad at the unfairness of it all.

So, to the person that said this to us today:

"I just don't want to get my hopes up for you because most people don't tell they are pregnant until 3 months. That's because something can still go wrong."

Seriously? This came out of your mouth? What makes you think this is an ok thing to say to us? I KNOW SOMETHING CAN GO WRONG. Every morning I hurry to the bathroom to see if I started bleeding overnight and so far I have thanked God every morning that I am one of the lucky ones and have somehow managed to hold onto this baby one more night.

Infertility sucks the hope right out of us infertiles and we struggle to keep the tiniest bit of it alive. It is one of the hardest parts of infertility, the loss of innocence and the loss of hope. We shared our BFP with you because you knew we did IVF, you knew when our testing day was (even though you forgot), we thought it might be hard to keep it from you for the next 3 months. If we had had the great fortune of getting pregnant even a year ago, we would have waited to tell people. Infertility has taken that luxury away. So we told you now. Sorry that you are not able to easily have hope. Just know that neither can I. It is not easy.

I do not want to share this pregnancy with you at this moment. I am sorry if you read this and realize it is you that said this and you are hurt. I am not saying all of this to hurt you, I am saying this because you have struck me to the heart of something I treasure right now. This hope I have is what is keeping me from crawling under the covers and waiting for something terrible to happen. For the universe to realize it made a mistake and that someone else was supposed to get this pregnancy and not me.

If you do not have hope for us, please keep that to yourself. We would rather hear nothing from you at all.

So this morning I started to worry because I didn't wake up in the middle of the night to pee in the last 2 nights. So even though I have said I am ok with no symptoms yet, I started to worry that my one and only symptom was going away. In my brain I know this is sillyness but infertility does not involve much of the brain. Infertility teaches you to worry and be cautious and not count your babies before they are hatched.

My friend D talked me off the ledge this morning and told me it was really early to get the pee symptom and it was probably nerves the other couple nights that I did wake up. It might have something to do with the heat and me drinking tons all day until I go to bed. My mom tried to tell me this too but she hasn't had a baby in 30 years so it's hard to listen to reason.

After D got me off the ledge, I was still a bit worried but not as much and then I checked my email and had one from my friend S who said "I think peeing was my first symptom but I didn't really notice symptoms till 8 weeks I think." So this reiterates D's point that I am still really early.

OK the craziness has subsided a bit. I am still looking forward to my beta tomorrow though... and the u/s next week.. and....
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Sad news on the IVF front. The Gallagher TTC Journey did her transfer the same day I did. She did get a BFP but unfortunately her beta has gone steadily down and now looks like it's over. Please stop by to give her a hug.

YAY! We have made it to 5 weeks. I love Wednesdays. This is going to be great and the weeks will go so fast. Just a couple more days til the weekend and then another couple days til the next Wednesday and week marker. :) I know it's still super early but this is just so exciting!

Baby(ies) now the size of a sesame seed (last week was a poppy seed). I am signed up for a weekly newsletter that will tell me what is going on inside. I also have my Pregnancy Week by Week book at home. It is on a bookshelf covered in dust. I bought it last January 2006 when we were just getting ready to TTC. Every month during the 2ww I would read the week 3 and week 4 sections. Well after a number of BFN's that got old pretty fast. I put it on the bookshelf and vowed not to take it down again until I was pregnant. Someone asked me about it yesterday and my response was that I am waiting for a heartbeat to take it off the shelf. There's something different about signing up for a newsletter online and physically taking a dusty book off a shelf and placing it on the coffee table. Yes, definitely will wait for a heartbeat.

For those of you that are readers of this blog but not TTC you might be a little confused as to why I am 5 weeks pregnant but just did the egg retrieval 3 weeks ago. (I've had 2 people ask me this so far so I know there are more of you out there.) Pregnancy calculations begin from the first day of your last period, which in theory is 2 weeks before you ovulate (or have an egg retrieval). So by the time you get a positive pregnancy test (about 2 weeks after fertilization), you're considered to be 4 weeks pregnant. Hope that helps.

One more note, I woke up to pee around 3 am and was able to go back to sleep!! YAY!!!! Not sure what will happen tonight but I hope the insomnia was a fluke. I also started walking again yesterday. My mom and I used to walk 3 miles every morning around our hills near home. I stopped before the embryo transfer and laid around for a few weeks. Well I have the ok from my doctor so we started again. We only did about 2 miles yesterday and about 2.5 today but I think we will be back to normal tomorrow. Maybe that is why I slept better?

A couple nights ago I woke up to pee and it took me over an hour and a half to go back to sleep. At one point I turned on the light and started to read.

Last night I woke up a little after 2 and got up to pee, when I got back to bed I realized I was starving. I was so hungry I couldn't go back to sleep and was wide awake. I finally got up around 2:30 and ate some crackers and watched tv. Around 3:30 I was finally tired enough to go back to bed but it still took about 30 minutes after that to finally fall asleep.

I certainly knew about the waking up in the middle of the night to pee but being wide awake after? That is something I have never had an issue with before. Did anyone else have this? How long did it last?

• New beta #323 (we were hoping for at least 140)!!!!
• Changed the name of the blog from Making Twiglet to Baby Twiglet. This makes me smile. I also changed the description and added a ticker to the right. The label for this post is 1st Trimester. I say jump in and get both feet wet! I don't want to stand on the outside looking in anymore!
  
• Had a fantastic weekend with family and called my mom "grandma". That was priceless.
  
• I woke up this morning and realized I had not woken up in the middle of the night to pee. I started to worry but talked myself out of it. I really don't want to worry about this, I just want to enjoy it!!! Every morning I wake up and am not bleeding is going to be a good day!
• Still no symptoms except random mild cramping, tiredness and hunger. All of those are nothing new to me!
  
• Thanks to everyone for all of the wonderful comments. It's crazy to me how many people care that we have made it this far and we have not even met. The IF community is a small one but a very tight one! On the T-TTC board I had 53 comments, and on my local board I had 47. That is 100 people, most of whom I have never met, wishing me congrats. It's just crazy to me, I can't fathom having gone through this without the boards and this blog.
• WOW, I had 122 hits on Friday, that is by far the most ever. The weekend had tons too. So I guess I know what works, get pregnant!
• It was a great week for IVFers:
  
• Congrats to The Gallagher TTC Journey she had her IVF transfer the same day I did and is also pregnant!
• Also to Flotsam and Infertility Sucks!! they are both pregnant from IVF too!

Last but not least, I have been asked for pee stick pictures. Here is the best one but it is still pretty crappy. Sorry about that!!

The beta came back at 71.9!!!!!!! OMG, OMG!!!!! WOW!!!!

No symptoms, nada, nothing, zilch!!!

I'm at a loss for words but it would be really hard to talk through this massive smile glued onto my face!!!!!

Progesterone was good at 37.9 (it better be with these damn shots in my butt!)
Estrogen a touch low at 236 so they are increasing me to 3 pills a day.
My nurse said they wanted me back in next Friday but I said no way!!! I want to come in on Monday and she said that would be fine :)

First u/s will be in 2 weeks.

Cloud nine, nice to meet you.

Ok, I have been posting like a madwoman on my chat boards. I was sooooo negative and down yesterday but (and that is a big but!) I am starting to get a touch optimistic for several reasons...

1. I went in for my 2nd beta today and happened to run into my doctor. I practically nailed her against the wall and said "So, how bad is 18 really???" She got a big smile and said it was good! She said that I may have implanted a day late and then since we had to do the beta a day early, that could end up being like 2 days early! I asked what she was hoping for today and she said as long as it is above 30 she will feel really good about it. All that matters is that it doubles.
2. I peed on another stick today. The control line immediately came up and the rest looked like it was going to resemble snow so I walked out of the bathroom and told Jamie it was lighter than before so it's over. He got up a few minutes later to use the restroom and yelled at me. "It's darker!!! It's darker than yesterday!!!" So I went and looked at it and pulled out yesterdays and sure enough it was darker. He said he knew it was darker because yesterday he had to squint and today he could see it with his eyes wide open. (haha)
   
3. I received several posts from people telling me they had low betas and were still pregnant:
1. Mine were 33 and 72 at about 16/18 dpo...my dr didn't seemed concerned so I'm trying not to be - GL :) - Lisa&Mark
2. My first beta was 13dpo and they just wanted it to hit 20. - jodynjames2005
3. My #s this pregnancy were really low too, and my OB was talking about a D&C (also because of the bleeding and no fetal pole), so you never know. - julnmatt (32 weeks pg!)
4. Like Julie, I had low betas at first too...so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's not over for you just yet. - littlestpea
5. My first beta was a 15 at 13 dpo. I was very disappointed when I heard that because all I could think of was chemical pg. My 15 dpo beta was 60! Four days later my beta was 640, then two more days later it was 1845. I am now 9 weeks pg waiting for my u/s on Tuesday so I can 'graduate' from my RE! Your beta has to have gone up if you have poas because some of them need to have a beta of 40 to get a positive. - TamaraS
6. under 6 is negative. anything over that is game on. i am the chemcial pregnancy queen (at least 4!) and my numbers are always 6, 4, something very very low. Not to belabor a point but its the doubling that counts. - lonelyapronstrings
7. Mine was only 6 at 13DPO, then 26, 51,108, 655,1431!!!! - newportRI2005
   
8. My first Beta was 15....3 days later it was 52.....Yesterday it was 4697. So hang in there a few more days to see that doubling time. - Abby (she left this as a comment on yesterdays blog post.)
9. my first positive beta was 23.8. Definitely wait and see what the doubling times are before you make any judgments. I know that it would be much easier to be happy or settled if the number were 50, but I'm definitely happy for you. Definitely some things happened right: you already knew you had a successfully fertilized egg that did develop, and now you also know that it implanted. These are both FANTASTIC things. - Karen (she left this as a comment yesterday also.)
4. There were also about 50+ responses that were all super positive and kept telling me I was pregnant. How can I ignore that?

I feel so much more calm and relaxed today. I think I will be crushed if the beta # is not doubled but I will try very hard to keep Karen's 2 points in mind. We also have enough insurance money to definitely do IVF#2 in October if we need to and for that I am incredibly thankful.

So check in again between 2-4 pst and hopefully I will be able to write I AM P........

I realized the other day that the pharmacy had shorted me one Estradiol pill. This meant that if we waited til Thursday for the beta I wouldn't have time to order drug refills so my doctor had me go in for the beta yesterday. Jamie and I were hoping for a positive and then we could pretend we were normal people and be the only ones that knew for a day.

Well the beta came back at 18. So technically that is a positive but an extremely low one. I went home and took a hpt and there was a very faint line. This morning the line is a hair darker but not by much. I am pretty sure the ending to this will be a chemical pregnancy. I go back for another beta tomorrow. The nurse did say congrats and had me order more meds but I did hear a bit of hesitation in her voice. So we will know more tomorrow.

Just for shits and giggles, here is a chart:

Guideline to hCG levels during pregnancy:

hCG levels in weeks from LMP (gestational age)* :(I am 4 weeks)

* 3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
* 4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
* 5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
* 6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml

* These numbers are just a GUIDELINE-- every woman’s level of hCG can rise differently. It is not necessarily the level that matters but rather the change in the level.

So technically I am pregnant and there are reasons to be hopeful. 18 is better than 0. But I would have been a helluva lot more comfortable with something over 50.

I woke up at 3 am needing to pee. I literally laid in bed for 30 minutes debating the merits of peeing on a stick. On the one hand, isn't it a good sign that I woke up in the middle of the night to pee or am I just going crazy with anxiety. I am constantly on the verge of vomiting and/or tears. When Jamie came home from work last night, he was in the bedroom changing and I whined from the living room "Honeeeeeeeey" His response "I know." He gets it. He knows this is all I think about 24/7.

So there I lay, realizing that with each moment I get more and more awake. If I POAS and it is positive then life is great. If it's negative then I have to deal with the miniscule possibility of it being a false negative. SO I ask myself is the chance of seeing a BFP worth the chance of a BFN? What would a BFN do to me? It's the only thing I have ever seen so I have no reason to believe I won't see it again. Let me tell you, that was a long 30 minutes. I finally just told myself to go pee and get it over with. So I did, and a stick was not involved. So I know nothing right now except that at 7 dpo I had all day cramps and yesterday I had twinges above my pubic bone and my boobs don't hurt and none of that means anything. I am constantly nauseous due to nerves and I keep waking up needing to pee in the middle of the night also due to nerves and sleeplessness.

I am glad I did not test. I think I would be even crazier today.

To all of you that know me in real life. Please do not expect me to call you with news one way or the other tomorrow. If the news is not good then I am sure you understand why I am not calling everyone to hear them tell me how sorry they are. If the news is good then please keep in mind what a long road will lay ahead. Those damn fertiles get to keep the very lovely secret past the most dangerous date. If they are smart, they wait until they are 12 weeks along and most chance of miscarriage is over. If we get a positive, we will be considered only 4 weeks and then we still have a 25% chance of it not working out. I cannot risk hearing congratulations from all those I love tomorrow and I cannot get too excited. There will be too much on the line and I need to stay realistic. Please let us at least see a heartbeat (hopefully around 6-7 weeks) before sharing your excitement with us.

Please, please, please let Jamie and I have this one little miracle!

Ugh, 2 more days until we know for sure. I woke up this morning and thought about testing but I thought about how shitty I would feel if it was not positive. It could be negative and be positive in 2 days so it would not be a definitive answer. I successfully talked myself out of testing. (YAY me!)

I have no symptoms, nada, zilch, nothing. I know in my brain that this is ok and does not mean anything. I also know that even if I did have symptoms I would be writing them off to the progesterone I am taking so symptoms don't really matter.

I guess the hard part is that you just kind of think your body should just "know" if it has a life growing inside of it. Shouldn't I just feel warm and fuzzy? I know no one gets this except for the people still in their first 3 months of trying (they get it every month, I know, I was there once)

Ugh, this is hard but still not driving me crazy. I think my anxiety is the same as with the IUI's. I think not having to pay $12,000 for this helps tremendously.

Looking forward to bedtime!

BTW: Had a VERY relaxing weekend. I loved it! YAY!!!