As most of you know, I frequent a few chat boards. One of them is "Success After Infertility". It is full of wonderful ladies who just got pregnant or have full grown toddlers. :) It's nice to be able to support someone who just got pregnant and is asking about their first low beta. Since mine was only 18 with Kacey I can offer some hope.

Today I asked a question and here it is:
"If you got "surprise" pregnant with #2.... "

what was your reaction?

Please understand I am very happy to be pregnant and I look forward to having #2. We always hoped to have more than one child but would have been happy with one also. We were thinking of doing IVF next summer and trying on our own for a little while after I weaned Kacey this fall. Well, I cut nighttime feedings over the summer and that must have triggered me to ovulate and surprise we were pregnant before I ever got a post partum period. By the time I tested I was already 8 weeks, that's how in denial I was at the possibility.

I am excited intellectually and very much want this baby. My problem is that I don't feel it emotionally at all. This is kind of hard to talk about but I am hoping someone on this board can sympathize. I still don't believe we really are pregnant. Yes, I have seen the u/s and my tummy is getting bigger and I have had m/s. But when I was pregnant with Kacey we had looked forward to it for so long. I would spend so much time just looking at the u/s's and dreaming of the day she would arrive. I would put a hand on my tummy and talk to her and it all felt so real.

With this one, I forget I am pregnant all the time. I look at the u/s to remind myself that I really did see a moving baby with a beating heart. I keep telling myself to get excited and believe it but it's just not happening. Maybe because we didn't plan and look forward to it?

Please don't think I don't want this baby, I really do and this is not a post to complain or whine. I just want to know if anyone else felt like this and if they did when did it start feeling real? Maybe when the baby starts kicking or we find out the sex? I just want so badly to feel all the things I felt for Kacey. I feel like I am cheating this baby out of something and I cheating myself too.

Fortunately I got some very amazing responses which all boil down to, I AM NORMAL. I wasn't going to write about this on the blog and I will probably delete it at some point as I do not want Twiglet #2 to ever get the wrong idea. I decided to post it though as a couple of people actually responded that they were glad to see my post as they were feeling the same way and were glad to hear they they were not alone. Oh the lovely power of the internet. Thank you internet buddies, for everything.

If you would like to read all the comments, click here.

On Saturday, Jamie took Kacey to Descanso Gardens for their Pumpkin Festival. We put on her costume (Candy Corn Princess) and she beamed, she even let us put the hat on her!!! They had a great time, listened to a man play the banjo, played in the pumpkin patch, rode the spooky train and walked in the parade.

I have had suspicions that Kacey is going to be right handed but this morning made me pretty sure. She was coloring (that child LOVES to color!) At one point she had a crayon in each hand. She was coloring with her right hand and then looked at her left and bent back over with her left hand out as if she was about to color with it. She then stopped, sat back up, switched the crayons so that the left one was now in her right hand, bent back over and resumed coloring using her right hand. She then did it several more times and never colored with her left.

This morning I heard her talking around 6:30. I didn't rush in to get her because... well I never do. Jamie woke up too and we were just enjoying being cozy and listening to her talk. At some point she stopped and was quiet. I asked Jamie if he thought she went back to sleep and he said no, probably just playing quietly by herself. He went int here a few minutes later (about 7:15) and she was just happy as can be, playing quietly in her crib. WOW, how did we get to this point? She goes to bed without crying, is waking up without crying, sleeps through the night..... oh my. We are going to start all over again in a little more than 6 months????

Speaking of that, I felt really good all weekend. Had some energy and very little nausea, it was a good weekend. I really hope I am over the worst of it!

We had a great time at the aquarium with Alex and Miss Taline yesterday.

Kacey fed some pigeons and thought it was so much fun!




In this video you can see her cracking herself up and becoming the "bird lady!"


We then went in to this bird exhibit and I got to hold some nectar for the birds. At first it was really strange to have them land on my arm but I got used to it pretty quickly. Kacey just stood and watched.

Here she and Taline are watching the birds playing on the ground.

Taline getting ready to give a big hug.

Yesterday I hit 10 weeks and this little Twigster is the size of a kumquat and this little kumquat is kicking my ass. We went out with Alex and Taline to the Long Beach Aquarium yesterday (another post on that) and I think that over did me. We got home about 3 and I put Kacey in her crib as she had napped about 15 minutes on the way there and about 30 on the way back. I could barely keep my eyes open so I laid down too. I slept for about an hour and then her her talking. I couldn't bear the idea of getting up so I just laid in bed until my mom arrived. She got Kacey up and I slowly started moving. I felt awful. I moved over to the couch and kept alternating between the couch and the bathroom floor as nausea kept washing over me. I finally gave up on being in the bathroom and got a big pot and took it to the couch. That did the trick and I finally got sick. I hate to say it but that made me feel a heck of a lot better! I was still exhausted and couldn't really move but at least most of the nausea was gone. I never ate dinner even though I knew I should and had a really crappy night's sleep. I have spent most of today on the couch or in bed (a lovely 2 hour nap while Kacey napped) and have been able to eat a little bit. Hopefully I will have a good sleep tonight and be able to shower tomorrow!!

Because I am showing already I had Jamie take a belly pic. Kacey did not want to feel left out so she got in it too.

10 weeks


Compare with Kacey at 11 weeks


but I think I look closer to this 13 week picture. What do you think?

Yesterday I went in to get Kacey after her nap. I had put her down with clothes on.... I found her without a shirt! I asked her where her shirt was and she pointed at it. Hmmmm... when I tried to put it back on her she flipped out, screaming and pulling. It was quite the struggle.

This morning I went to get her and asked her if she wanted out of the crib. She said "Noooo" So we read a couple of books. She then started to CLIMB OUT OF THE CRIB!!!! She even had a leg over the rail. I just sat there watching, figured it was better for me to be there than not. I think it scared her though because she started to cry and I went ahead and picked her up. Great, now anytime I hear a noise from her room I am going to expect to find her laying on the floor... shirtless.

Another big girl thing, she helped make breakfast this morning. Daddy held her as she stirred her eggs. I then let her reach into the shredded cheese bag and grab a handful and put them on the eggs. She was sooooo PROUD of herself and ended up eating all of them. She is really getting into helping and gets so excited when she thinks she is helping and doing big person stuff. Now if only she was tall enough to do laundry and dishes.....

at least not this soon. About 2 months ago I went through all of Kacey's old clothes and I sorted them, sealed them in vacuum bags, labeled the boxes and put them away. I did the same with my maternity clothes, snoogle and brest friend. I imagined I might get to use all of this stuff again and hoped it would be in the next 3 years or so. I decided that if I turned 40 before getting pregnant again I would give it all away.

Anyways, yesterday I went to put on a pair of shorts and they could not comfortably button. I wore them about 2 weeks ago and they were a bit loose. I asked Jamie to pull down the maternity clothes box and I pulled out my Bella Bands. It was very strange getting them out. It seems like I just put them away. How is it that I need them already? I am definitely showing, I need to look up some old pics but I feel like my tummy looks like it was about 16 weeks with Kacey. I guess the stretched out uterus doesn't waste any time filling back in.

I haven't actually put either band on yet as I am still sitting in my jammies as I write this at 1:07 pm. I have showered but the jammies just looked way too comfortable to not put them back on. I am contemplating putting clothes on now... we'll see.

None of this is complaining I must point out. Just all so strange. I am exstatic at the idea of getting a big belly and needing my Bella Bands again. It just still doesn't feel real. When will it feel real to me?

My thoughts and prayers go out to Allison's family. She passed away this evening. This is just such awful, sad news. Why does this have to happen to an innocent little baby girl? Things like this will never make any sense.

"Hep" is Kacey's latest word. It's very endearing, she will look at you with puppy dog eyes and go "Hep?" in a very sweet voice. It doesn't really matter what she is asking help for, you want to help just because it's asked so sweetly.

She also really got into "mee-oowwwwww" she really drags out the ooowwwww part. Again, very cute.

"NOOOOOOO" has long been a favorite and continues to be. She has even started vigorously shaking her head and waving her hands in a no more sign when saying it. "NOOOOOO" is definitely her favorite word.

Thank you to everyone for the congrats and support about Twiglet the Second. We are so shocked and so happy. I feel a bit like a betrayer, adding to the myth of "You just need to not think about it and you will get pregnant" since we were not thinking of it at all. We are just so lucky, I don't feel we deserve it more or less than anyone else but I will take it!

Little side note, we went to KidSpace yesterday and Kacey played in the dinosaur exhibit. You can se a paintbrush to "discover" dinosaur bones. She got really into it. This picture kind of sucks but it shows one of my favorite faces. Her tongue sticking out. I love when she gets really concentrated and sticks it out. Sooooo cute!



My little Miss was sick last night and it broke my heart to see her like that. She was fine all day but didn't seem to want to eat very much. By dinnertime she refused to eat at all. She helped make dinner:


but that was it. Shortly after this pic she got very clingy with me and just kept putting her head on my shoulder. I put her to bed early and she seemed ok with that. About half an hour later she cried a little and then quieted down again. Around 8pm she really started crying so I went in to rock her a bit. I picked her up and she gave a tiny burp. I sat in the rocker and she puked all over me. AHH! What to do? Jamie wasn't home yet and wouldn't be for a while so I did what everyone in position would do if they could. I called my mommy. She came right over (can I say thank you again for living only two blocks away??) She helped me and Kacey get in the shower with our clothes on as Kacey would not let go of me. Somehow we got undressed and cleaned off and eventually out of the shower. Mom and I took turns holding her for the next hour or so until Jamie got home. She would puke every 25 minutes or so and then fall asleep in our arms in between. OH It was soooooo sad. She would get this wide eyed look of fear in her face before she would get sick and then she was all pasty white, with red eyes from crying and she just looked so sad. It was super sweet to see her asleep in my moms arms though. That whole look of calm and innocence that you get to see all the time when they are really little because you see them sleeping all the time. Now I rarely see her asleep so it was a little sweet to see that.

Around 11 she vomited for the last time and she NEVER ran a fever or even got warm. Thank goodness. After the last sickness she started running around the house and was in full energy Kacey mode. We had to calm her down to try to get her to bed! I gave her a tiny piece of bread to help soak up the acid in her tummy and some Pedilyte. We read her some stories and laid her down. She slept until 7:30 this morning. I am happy to say that she woke up happy and hungry and has been back to normal all morning. A bit tired though so I put her down for her nap early. I must admit I am tired too so that is part of why I put her down.

I am sooooo glad that was it and it seems ot be over. I just can't imagine how hard it is to have a really sick child. Please continue to keep Allison (You can still go on her page and requesto be a bone marrow donor!) in your prayers. She has had more chemo and is having a bit of trouble this round. If you have a spare $1, $5 or $10 or even more, please consider donating to this wonderful family. There is a walk in her honor to raise money. You can donate here: Light the Night

We are so fortunate to have a healthy child, I am just so blessed in so many ways. Sometimes I wonder how I ever got here.

October 5th


Well now isn't that an interesting picture? I took that on October 5. Um, wow. A while ago (oh how I wish I could remember exactly when!) I had signs of ovulation. I didn't think much of it as I have had those signs before and they meant nothing. I still to this day have not had a period so that means no ovulation, right? A couple weeks after that I remember having the absolute smallest amount of spotting ever, like if I had worn black underwear I would not have noticed it. I laughingly thought to myself haha! Wouldn't that be funny if that was implantation spotting? Of course I still didn't notate anywhere when that happened either. I think it was 3-4 weeks ago.

So in the past couple of weeks I have had insomnia, EXTREMELY tired, been nauseous about 50% of my waking hours and been painfully gassy every afternoon. All of these things I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Kacey. For the past 2 weeks I have tried to explain it away with of course I am tired, I have insomnia. Of course I am nauseous, I am eating like crap because I am rarely hungry. Of course I have bad gas pains because again, I am eating like crap.

About a week or so ago I started thinking about buying a pregnancy test. Stupid idea... what would I need a test for when I have not seen a fertility doctor in 2 years? I have not had any shots of Bravelle lately and anytime sperm entered my body, Jamie was the only other person in the room. Yesterday the urge was too great and I decided that when it came up negative I would make an appointment to see my doctor about my intestinal issues. I was out to do a quickie grocery trip and a new Dollar Tree store opened near our house. I went in and bought 3 $1 tests. I figured no matter what they would be negative especially since they only cost $1.

Last night I told Jamie I bought them and asked him to please not ridicule me and my stupid ideas. Not only did he not laugh, he got excited and wanted me to test right then and there. Noooooo.... people don't test at night, they wait til morning! So wait I did. And this morning... well... you can see in the picture what happened. I went and woke up Jamie and said "It's positive." Huh??? "The pregnancy test, it's positive." Huh? fumble.... gets his glasses on. What? I turned on the light and showed him the test. I warned him to not get excited. I didn't believe it. $1 tests are junk. He hid his excitement.

After my walk with my mom (who I did tell of course after warning her to not get excited) I went to the store and bought a $20 test. That's the one with the yes on it. Oh my. $20 tests are real. Oh my.

I called my doctor and talked to my nurse who said that it can happen. I would be the second patient this year that got pregnant after IVF and before they had a period. So she set me up to do a blood test today and Wednesday and then I will go in next week for an ultrasound with my doctor (she is on vacation this week). This will be very interesting because if this is real I have no idea how far along I would be.... 5 weeks? maybe even as far as 8 weeks?

Hmmmmm.... very interesting turn of events eh?

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October 6th.

Got the call about my beta. With Kacey it was 18. This time it is 64,000. Quite a difference. That makes my guess 7-8 weeks. My progesterone is 22.5 and anything about 15 is good so this is all very normal so far. I have an appointment scheduled for Monday for the u/s. My nurse said she is very interested to see how far along I am. That makes 2 of us! 3 if you count Jamie and 4 if you count my mom.

It's very weird to think I might be/am pregnant. Very difficult to wrap my mind around. I was nauseous all day yesterday and slept like crap again last night. I hope Kacey doesn't hate us for making a baby. :(

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October 8th

Yesterday I almost thought there was no way I could be pregnant. I felt great! Today, not so much. Sick to my stomach, tired as can be and hungry but don't want to eat. I'm looking forward to Monday to see the u/s, hoping that will really convince me this is real and not just the flu or something. The last couple days I have woken up and thought "WOW, that was a weird dream, I dreamed I was pregnant....oh yea....."

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October 10th

I had a very good and very busy day yesterday and I think that wore me out. I slept terribly last night and paid for it today. Lots of nausea and lots of laying in bed. Unfortunately Jamie has a bad cold so when Kacey woke from her nap I called my mom and asked her to come over to take care of her. Oh my, what in the world would I do without my mom???? I finally ate some lunch and took a shower and that helped. I am really looking forward to bedtime though and have even had my jammies on since about 3pm. This is much different from being pregnant with Kacey..... did I really type that? "being pregnant....." WOW, still can't believe it. Can't wait to see the u/s on Monday, hopefully I will believe it then.

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October 12th

WOW. Went to the doctor, nervous as hell. Sick to my stomach from morning sickness, nervousness combo. The nurse took my blood pressure and all of that and one thing stuck out. She asked if I wanted to deliver at the same hospital. WHEW! That hit me! Deliver a baby, wow! Yes, I had a very good experience with the nurses there so I would like to DELIVER MY BABY there AGAIN!

The doctor did a quick annual exam and felt around and said I was definitely pregnant! She did make a comment of my miscarriage chances being about 20-25% in the first trimester so she was anxious to see the u/s to see how far along we are. It seemed like a forever wait but she finally got me into the u/s room. She had the screen turned toward her and I closed my eyes and held my breath. Almost instantly she said "WOW, the baby looks great, it's pretty big!" She turned the screen to me and I saw this.


I burst into tears. Almost shaking sobs. She told me very nicely to stop crying so I could hear the heartbeat and then she put up the volume. It's such a magical sound, I love that sound. I watched the baby and saw it's arms and legs and the heart beating away and I was in awe. What an absolute miracle. She said the baby looked great and the heartbeat was so strong that she thinks my miscarriage rate is extremely low and for me not to worry.

She got everything put away and I was sitting up and all of a sudden, she goes "Wait a minute, you can call your husband on his cell phone right?" Yep! So she laid me back down, got my phone and redid the u/s so Jamie could hear the heartbeat. He was pretty damn happy. I think I may have heard him start to cry too. :)

She said she would see me in 4 weeks and then gave me a look and said let's make it three with a big smile. She also reassured me that I could go in ANYTIME if I just wanted reassurance.

I got some bloodwork done and called Jamie back to discuss if we were going to tell or not. It's a tough decision but we decided we are both way too impatient not to tell. And since we are 8 weeks and 5 days we are almost 5 weeks further along than when everyone found out about Kacey. So I called my doula and made sure she wanted to doula again :) She was extremely happy and couldn't wait!

I went home and showed off the u/s pics to mom who was watching Kacey and then we dressed her up in this shirt and took her to see Great Grandma.


Surprise!!!! Thus begins the next chapter in our lives. A truly amazing, God-given miracle, surprise chapter.

BTW, the due date is May 19th. 2 days after Kacey's original due date. :)

Isn't she a nut?????

Well the cat is afraid of the new fancy infrared door, but I don't care. She is not banging on the door to go out or come in anymore because she doesn't like it. It has also been cooler at night so I think she is happy to stay in anyways. Kacey has continued to pretty much sleep through the night. So my brain is slowly adjusting and I keep getting longer stretches of sleep each night. Last night I had a good 6 hour stretch and about 7.5 hours overall. It was lovely.

We now have no plans to euthanize the cat. YAY!

She is getting into all sorts of interesting places...




LOVES Churros....

Sometimes kitties need a bath. When i go to get them out of the dryer I make a big show of it. This time Kacey kept going "Up, Up!" So I picked her up to let her grab kitty herself and she ended up climbing in! She did not want out. :)



She is just getting cuter and cuter by the day.

- I pointed out a birthmark/mole on her elbow to her the other day and now she twists her arm around to look at it all the time. She is also fascinated with the moles on my arms and points to them all the time.

- Yesterday she put her kitty under her shirt and then put her hands in the air with a "Where's kitty?" look on her face. She then pulled kitty out and got very excited. Turns out daddy taught her this trick earlier in the day.

- She now says "ice" when she wants a drink. At first I thought she was saying juice since we give her OJ every morning but then I figured it out. She is saying iced tea which she loves to get a sip of mine whenever possible.

I think it is because everything is going so well (except for the whole cat issue, we still haven't received the cat door BUT the cooler weather means she is going in and out less, yay!) When I lived in Croydon, England I blogged ALOT. Those of you that read my other blog back then knew I was miserable half the time and therefore I wrote ALL THE TIME. It was a joy to write as it was a way to complain through being funny and it kept me connected with the people back home. During infertility I wrote ALL THE TIME on this blog and again it was a joy to write as an outlet. They say that artists (though I am definitely not claiming to be any kind of artist) need to be miserable to do good art. I am definitely not miserable. Kacey is a complete joy, I have no work to complain about, my husband is the best that exists and I have tons of loving, supportive family and friends. There just isn't much to blog about. Kacey is growing and learning all the time but it's much different than at the beginning. We have more of a routine and she has hit most of the milestones so there just isn't much new to write about.

This blog has become a picture blog with some captions about the pictures. Bear with me if you like to see my adorable little cherub but I understand if you are getting bored and move on to more interesting pastures. If you want the drama back, check back in after Christmas. I plan to have the little Miss completely weaned and stressing... er I mean trying to get pregnant again. There might even be a rehash of IVF drama next summer. You know what that means? Tons of blogging and all that goes with it.

Thank you for reading this far. I have enjoyed your company and comments but I feel I am letting some of you down and I need to just let go of the guilt that goes with not blogging on a regular basis. I'll probably be updating once a week or so and I need to be ok with that. So goodbye guilt!! I am done with you!

And now for the aforementioned pictures!

Fun at KidSpace with Dashell


Going up and down the slide ALL BY HERSELF! at KidSpace (i apologize for saying "Sit on your butt" 8,000 times!


Reading with daddy, aren't they cute?

At the mall after doing some shoe shopping!

Fun in Montrose, she loved this car and did not want to get out!

Getting ready to drive mommy's car today!