OK, this blog has been a helluva lot of rainbows and puppy dogs lately. It's time I posted about the flip side.

I am not handling this third trimester very well. At all. I am tired pretty much from the time I wake up until I go to bed. My patience level is barely there most of the day and by 5pm I am barely staying sane. It is all I can do to get Kacey fed, bathed, nighttime routine and into bed. By 5pm I am checking the clock every 15 minutes or so counting down how long it will be until 7pm (her lights out bedtime).

I am not really enjoying being a mom right now and I do not think I am doing a very good job at it. There I said it... well at least I wrote it. I try very hard to fake it as much as I can through out the day. Every day I look forward to our scheduled activities like gym class, playdates etc so that Kacey has more entertainment than just me. I almost dread being alone in the house with her for longer than an hour because I just don't have the patience, energy or willingness to deal with her constant no, no, no's and whining about wanting something she can't have and wanting me to move here and move there and get this and do that and when it is time to shower, eat, clean up, put on shoes, etc it is a battle. She doesn't want to do anything when it is time to do it and I have no patience so I am letting her get her way more and more. I know this is making it so much harder in the long run but I just don't have the energy to do what it takes.

On Sunday, we were late getting to dinner which made everything else late (the whole weekend had gone late as they usually do...) Jamie tried very hard to help and handled most of Kacey's dinner and her bath. Unfortunately by the time they were done she was overtired and wound up from daddy time, it was almost 8pm. She doesn't like anyone else to put her to bed when I am home so I was in there for the bedtime routine. When books were over and it was time to turn off the lights, sing and go to bed, Jamie left. I tried, I really did. I sang, but she wanted more. She wanted to play, she wanted to throw things around the room. She wanted to lay in her big girl bed, then she wanted her crib, then back again. I just didn't have the energy to argue so I kept giving in and it was a neverending cycle. Finally I left her in the big girl bed, left the room and let her scream. I went to the bathroom, closed my eyes and tried to hold back tears. I went back to her room, picked her up, sang some more and put her in her crib where she started to scream again. I did eventually give up and left the room with her in the crib crying. I went out to the living room where Jamie was watching tv and told him I just couldn't handle putting her to bed so late and that next weekend can we please work harder to have her more on her schedule. I don't know if Jamie really started to give me the crazy lady it's only and hour past bedtime look but I saw it. I lost it. I started bawling and couldn't stop. The biggest problem is that by 8pm I feel like it is 2am. I struggle to stay awake until 9pm every night. (If I go to bed earlier than 9 I wake up around 2 and can't go back to sleep) Combine the super exhaustion with the constant braxton hicks (which makes it hard and painful to hold Kacey) and the lack of patience and sympathy, I just can't be a good mom and put her to sleep the way I normally would. Jamie was very sympathetic and said all the right things. He assured me I am still a good mom and that we would try better next weekend. I felt a little better.

And tonight.... I was tired by dinner time and Kacey was acting up more than usual. She kept pulling off her bib and wouldn't eat. I told her if she pulled off her bib one more time I would put dinner away. She did and I did. She flipped out screaming. I said too bad and took her out of her chair. Still screaming, I walked away to count to 10 and she followed me saying "Bib, bib, eat, eat." So I put her back in the chair, put on her bib and gave her her dinner back. She then asked for milk and as I poured it into a cup I told myself it was going to spill. I gave it to her anyway.

A few minutes later she started to try to put her napkin in the milk cup. I asked her not to. She did it again. I yelled "Stop!" She then pulled the napkin away and accidentally knocked over the cup. I screamed "I am done!" Grabbed the cup and threw it at the sink. I picked her up and pulled off her bib and set her on the ground. I picked up her plate and dumped the food in the trash and put the plate in the sink. She was following me around in hysterics so I picked her up and put her in her crib and walked out of the room. I could hear her in there screaming but I calmly cleaned up the kitchen. I put all the dishes in the dishwasher, cleaned up the milk and took my time. I could hear her crying but it didn't affect me. I just kept cleaning. 5 or so minutes later I calmly walked into her room and picked her up. I sat in the rocker and we just cuddled and rocked for several minutes. At this point I was 100% calm and not angry at all. She started to play and I decided to skip bath. I got her changed and ready for bed and we played around a bit, read books and then I said it was singing time and turned out the light.

The rest is pretty much the same story as it has been for a bit over a week now. She wants me to lay in the big girl bed with her to sing so I do and she tried to play while i sing. If I stop singing she starts to cry and wants me to sing. So I sing and she plays. When I get fed up I try to tuck her in and say good night and she cries and yells "sing! Sing!" I tell her I am done and eventually I give in because I am too tired to do anything else. I usually have to insist on good night at some point and leave the room. She gets hysterical and I wait a minute and then go back in. She always then wants her crib so I pick her up and take her over there as she asks me to sing more. I sing a few more times and put her in her crib. She usually cries as soon as she goes in and wants more singing, hugs, kisses, water, books,you name it. I almost always have to leave the room with her crying. BTW, this is happening at nap time too.

Because of this new development I am HATING naptime and bedtime. I look forward to but HATE the actual event. Just a couple of weeks ago she wasn't like this. I think it started around the time change because she wasn't as tired at bedtime so it took more time to get her sleepy. Because I spent more time getting her sleepy it has morphed into this bad habit of her asking for more and me giving in until I am too exhausted to do anymore and I leave her crying. I am really, truly sick of this. I dread what it will be like when her brother is here. Typing that is making me cry. I honestly don't know how I am going to handle two of them screaming at the same time. I know people do it. I know I will do it but right now I am just too damn tired to comprehend HOW.

So there you have it, in black and white. Me admitting how awful things are going right now about 60% of the day. Me admitting I am terrified of the new arrival. Me admitting that I am just not a good mom right now. Me admitting that I don't like how I am right now but not knowing how to fix it. I want my old Kacey back, the one that would let me read her some stories at bedtime and then hold her to sing a few songs and then lay in her crib and say bye as I left the room. How do I get her back? How do I get me back? The one that has patience and joy and is not angry and yelling and saying no all the time. I want to be able to laugh at her mischievousness and not just get angry at it. I want to stop being on the verge of tears several times a day.

I just want to stop being so damned tired all the time. I want to forget I wrote this post.

Jamie's work colleague Sarah saw this at Target and thought of Kacey. :)



Kacey hiding in the laundry basket



Kacey "dressed" herself...

I expected the worst, a repeat of Kacey's pic with Santa Claus, so I packed up a bribe (don't worry, I got Jamie's ok beforehand). We went to visit the Easter Bunny and I had little chocolate cookies and M&M's hiding in my purse. We met up with Alex, Taline, Erica and Lauren for lunch and then headed over to the bunny. As we were walking up the bunny had just arrived and was being escorted to the picture area. Kacey saw him first and yelled out "Snowman!!!!" with a huge smile. I told her it was not a snowman but the Easter Bunny. She thought that was great and the whole time in line kept trying to look at him and wave and smile. I got this pic of the back of her because the bow is so cute!



At one point she and Taline took a break and ran around on the lawn. Kacey fell down laughing and Taline took advantage of Kacey in a good mood and pounced.... literally!!!




Fortunately Kacey kept laughing and they had a great time.

Lauren took her pic first and did a great job. Then it was Taline's turn and well... she melted down. Not a happy girl. So Kacey stepped up and I put her next to the bunny. She looked at me with a bit of fear and I quickly said "Do you want a cookie?" She smiled and said YES! I told her after she took her picture with the bunny she could have one. She smiled after that. It also helped that right at the camera was a stuffed frog. She is really into frogs right now so in this picture she is actually pointing at the frog, oblivious to the bunny!



Here she is happily smiling with the bunny. The best picture. :)



Finally, I got this picture while she was running around on the grass, I love it!!!



BTW: Alex did finally get Taline on Bunny's lap but the picture is pretty reminiscent of Kacey's Santa picture!

GG got Kacey 2 new Easter dresses. We decided to wear this one today to go take pictures with the Easter Bunny. After I put it on her I took this pic (it looks like she is growling but that is actually her saying cheese!) and then she spun around. I got that on video for GG!!!

A Little Bit Pregnant wrote a post a few days ago about these ads. Her post was well written and I agree that the ads are funny, sad and well done. Please take a look and even consider sharing them. The more people are aware of infertility, the less hurtful things will be said without thought.

Today in gym class Kacey did a new trick all by herself!!! Her teacher was working with her on a crawl on the parallel bars. At the end of class Kacey was playing on the bars and I tried to help her do the crawl she said "NO! Self!!!" I told her to hurry and it was time to go and I headed for the door. When I looked back she had actually gotten herself into position and was doing the crawl!!! WOW! I told her to keep doing it and I ran to grab my camera. Of course when I got back she had stopped. The teacher tried to get her to do it again for the camera and ended up helping her so in the video she doesn't get up on her own but take my word for it!! She did get up on her own before the video!!

On Tuesdays we go to a free class put on by the local community college. In this age group the format of the class is play on the playground for an hour, then have rug time for about 20 minutes. During rug time the teacher reads a story, sings songs, etc. We then have snack and then a discussion time. During discussion time the idea is for a few moms to volunteer to watch the kids on the playground while the rest go have an adult conversation about kid related issues. If your kid does not want to go play without you then they can sit quietly and color or something with you while you participate in the discussion. Kacey has always stayed with me during discussion as she has some separation anxiety issues.

Yesterday she got her pants all muddy while playing in the playyard so I told her to stay with Alex while I went to the car to get extra pants. She was fine with it and kept playing. This isn't 100% unusual as she is very comfortable with Alex. During discussion time I realized Kacey needed her diaper changed so I asked her to stay with Jackie while I went to the car the get the diaper bag. When I came back she was perfectly fine! (Big deal as she has not really stayed alone with Jackie before.) We went and changed her diaper and then I asked her if she wanted to go outside and play or stay with me. She said "Outside!" So I took her outside and closed the gate after her. She looked at me a bit confused and I said I was going to go back inside while she played outside. She looked at me again, waved and said "bye-bye!" and ran off.

I sat in the discussion with an eye on the door waiting for a mom to bring me a crying child. She never came! She was out playing for about 15 minutes all by herself!!! Huge deal!! It doesn't sound like much if you haven't dealt with separation anxiety but if you have you understand how excited I was by this new development!
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In other news, yesterday morning we went to the park with Kim and Lilli (and baby Oliver!)


Lilli blowing on a dandelion

Oliver's feet were in the sun so I had covered them up. Here Kacey is helping to cover them. She was very concerned!

Stepping back and admiring her work!

Enjoying little Ollie's feet.

After class we came home. Kacey was walking up the steps and tripped on the bottom one. She cut her lip a little bit so we got int he house and I gave her a frozen teether and let her watch Elmo. I worked on dinner and looked over to find her like this. A little sad looking but still cute!

Kacey has this Big Dog, Little Dog book, which she loves. She has learned to put her arms out when something is big and put her fingers together when something is small. This morning we were in the shower together and she pointed at my boobs (she does this ALOT!) She said "Boobies!" with a huge smile. She then pointed at her nipples and said "Boobies!" I said "Yes Kacey, those are your boobies." She then got a very serious look on her face and put her fingers together and said "Little!" Hee hee!

Yesterday after nap, I told Kacey we were going on an ice cream walk!!! So exciting. She had no idea what it was but knew the word ice cream and therefore went along. We walked about 1/2 a mile to a local frozen yogurt shop. On the way she stopped to smell flowers, pick up leaves, etc. At one point a neighbor was out with their dog. Kacey stopped to chat and then all of a sudden said "Ice cream walk! Bye, bye!" and she started walking again. Every time we came to a street, she stopped, said "Street, hand" and reached up to hold my hand. :)

We each got our own yogurt and she sat at the table and chatted with the employees and talked about her "choco" (that's chocolate in Kacey speak!) She looked so pleased with herself and very much enjoyed our outing. We will definitely be doing that again!

We had our 32 week growth u/s today since I am AMA (advanced maternal age....) anyways, I didn't argue. It's a chance to see mini-monkey one more time before we meet him in person. Fortunately it was all good news. He looks perfect! YAY! Jamie was able to come too :)

Here are some pics..

Full body, head on the right looking down and spine going across the top

Still very much a boy!

3D face profile. On the left looking to the right, kissing the placenta. You can make out his eye and his puffy cheek! Can't wait to kiss that little cheek!

This one needs your imagination a bit. In the center you can make out the ear. Above the ear is a darker area, this is all his hair! He will have a full head of hair just like his sister did!

Fun day yesterday!!!! Kacey and I went to Lilli's birthday party and Kacey had a great time. We stayed up waaaayayyyyyy past naptime but it was worth it. After the party we went out to dinner with daddy and then walked around Montrose. Kacey pretty much ran the whole time and was in rare form. I think she was delirious from the chocolate cupcake and being up past bedtime! Not a good day for sleep! Oh well, we can handle those kind of days every now and then!

Getting ready for the first game. They were to try and hold the straw between their lip and nose and then run a little race. Kacey tried very the straw part but ended up just holding it for the race.

Later on there was an Easter egg hunt, Kacey found her fair share!!

Opening the eggs. Stickers inside! Woo-hoo!!

Yummy chocolate cupcake, Kacey's favorite! She ate the whole thing almost!

Dinner with daddy, she just fed him some pizza and when I asked her to smile, I got this. :)

As we were driving to lunch after gym class, Kacey was trying to take off her shoes. She couldn't get one so she was starting to whine.

"Mama!!!"
"Sorry Kacey but I am driving so I can't help you right now."
"Dada!!!"
"Sorry honey but daddy is at work."
Then in the saddest little voice, sounding very resigned to her fate......
"self...."
sniff, sniff... she just stared out the window after that.

It started with the incident at the park and just kept going. At lunch she made a huge mess. She gave me trouble going down for her nap. On the drive to class this afternoon she was eating a strawberry and proceeded to give herself a facial with it. (I actually laughed out loud quite a bit at this one.) At dinner she actually threw food on the floor purposefully (been a long time since she has done that.) I told her dinner was over and started to take her plate etc. She took the placemat, dumped it over and threw it on the floor. I very loudly (OK I yelled) "NO! Kacey is being very bad and mommy is getting mad!" I then walked into the living room and sat down where she couldn't see me. I calmed down, went back and started cleaning up. I then left her in the chair and went to start her bath. She was stuck in the chair for a while. In the bath she actually took a cup and was about to pour it outside the tub. Luckily I stopped her and ended bathtime. In her bedroom she proceeded to empty her jammies drawer while I left to put her towel away.

I gave up, sat on the bed and started reading books. I was sooooo tempted to just put her in the crib and be done. I'll admit it, there were a few times today I was tempted to do unthinkable things. I assure you I won't ever hit her but today was one of those days where I had to walk away from those thoughts. It was a tough day. It might not sound like much in the paragraph above but it all added up and you add bad sleep last night, 7 months pregnant, tired, etc into the mix and it is just a bit hard. (I still wouldn't trade it for an office job though! A bad day with Kacey is still better than a good day at work!)

Anyways, the reading helped and she sat down and got into it and we had a lovely time. When it was time to sing to her and I was all done I held her an extra minute or two and gave her a few extra kisses and hugs. I told her how much I love her like I do every night and walked out of her room calm and content.

Kacey took off running across the park this morning and I had to chase her. Unfortunately this only made her laugh more and run more. I got very angry and was upset about having to run. This makes me worry though. What will I do when I have a 3 month old strapped to me? Do I not go to the park? She is generally very good and this was very random but still, I know there will be times when she will be defiant....

We are finally getting outside!!!

We went to the Aquarium on Friday.....

To Dim Sum on Saturday. Kacey and Taline got to race outside the restaurant.


Went to the Farmer's market on Sunday where Kacey LOVES listening to the band play. Her great-grandpa Chuck watched her from above and smiled!

- Yesterday I vacuumed. I sat down on the floor to wind up the cord and had to sit a few minutes to catch my breath and figure out how to get back up. Jamie walked in and saw me and declared it was time to call Lebo. Lebo is the lovely woman that cleaned our house back int he day when I was working. We stopped having her come when I decided to stay home to save money but it might be worth it to have her come for the next few months. It's getting harder for me to do stuff (still doable, just harder) and Jamie doesn't like me inhaling cleaning products. The even bigger selling point is that HE doesn't want to do the cleaning and it's worth it to him to suck it up and pay to have it done. I for one and definitely not going to argue. I already called Lebo and she is coming on Friday.

- My mom was over a few nights ago and Kacey was in the bath. I went in to get something and heard her say "one, two, three, four" as she was playing with her four little tupperware cups. I asked my mom if she heard that and she had! The next day we were reading a book and there were 3 birds on a page. I asked Kacey how many birds there were. She said "one" and then paused. I thought that was it. Then "two, three" and a big smile at me. Later on she said "one, two, three, four" I said "five" and she said "six". Don't know if this is considered a party trick yet or not but we will keep working on it!

- Yesterday she was "talking" on the phone and Jamie asked her who she was talking to? "Nana!!" pause.... "Mama!" So Jamie asked her to tell mama to go to the store and get tacos. So she said into the phone very seriously "mama, tacos!" A bit later she said "Hello GG!" and kept talking.

So I am strealing this from Alex's blog. I may have mentioned Kacey's best friend Taline and how she LOVES to hug Kacey ALL. THE. TIME. Kacey is not so much of a fan. When we went to Arrowhead a few weeks ago Taline pretty much got her fill as Kacey spent most of the weekend trying to hide form her. Alex cut together this video and it is pretty damn funny I must say. At one point you see me sitting in a chair in the background with Kacey crying and I just look like I have given up.

Kacey has a major meltdown tantrum once every couple of weeks. She will of course cry when she doesn't get her way all the time but big, throw herself on the floor tantrums don't happen that often, thank goodness!

Yesterday one happened. We were getting ready for the day and I put her hair in pigtails. I set the brush down and she grabbed it and wanted to brush her hair. I said no and took the brush away. She lost it. She tantrummed for about 20 minutes. Here is a video of what I thought was the end of it.



Shortly after, I tried to put on her shoes. Another tantrum ensued...



We did eventually leave the house and all was fine a little while later. She was not mentally damaged in any way :)

At lunch Kacey pointed at my Dr. Pepper and said "Mama, share, please?" in the sweetest voice ever. I distracted her by giving her more french fries. Best mom ever award right here!

Tonight at dinner Kacey said:

"Baby!"
"Soon!"
"Out!"

and then she got a big smile on her face and said "Out soon!" a few more times.

We got this off of Craig's list yesterday. Kacey loved watching Jamie put it together and then played in it for a whole 3 minutes before getting bored!

Well we are just about at 30 weeks meaning almost single digit weeks to go.... unless of course Mini-Monkey decides to take after his sister and be late. I am feeling really good. My energy level is just about normal and my sleep is going okish. I weighed myself yesterday and I have only gained 10 pounds. I don't understand that. I eat Lucky Charms all the time and constantly crave sugar. I could probably eat straight sugar if I got desperate. Fortunately the house is filled with cookies, candy and other crap I don't have to stoop so low. But 10 pounds??? WTF?? I don't get it. At my last doctor appointment she even commented when she looked at my chart "Oh, you finally gained some weight!" Well with Kacey I gained 23 overall and with this one, I should get up to at least 20. Nothing to complain about just very odd.

Mini-Monkey moves very regularly. It's less kicking and more rolling. He feels very similarly positioned to Kacey. My guess is his butt is to the right of my belly button with head down. We'll see when I get my next u/s in a couple weeks.

Kacey still points to my belly and says "Out!" all the time. She will also just randomly lift my shirt and kiss my belly and then declare baby "Brrrrr!" and pull my shirt back down. She has named him Ella. Sometimes at night after she has laid down in her crib already she will jump up and say more. I think she means more kisses from me but she will lift my shirt to give Mini one more kiss and then she lays back down.

Starting to get excited about the new little one coming, terrified too. Very, very excited about him being a boy and the differences that will come with him. It's going very fast and I am ok with that!

Jamie went into Kacey's room this morning to get her up. He found her with her jammies off and in her hands. She looked at him and said "DIRTY!"

First Kacey tried to dress herself.....





Then she helped mommy make chocolate chip cookies (and decided she likes cookie dough as much as mommy does!)



She then ate a cookie with GG.



She then got to play with Ella and Sophie when they came over!

After the grocery store and again after class this evening she wanted to walk to the house herself. This is normal, I rarely carry her to the house. What was different was how she treated me. I was behind her and she stopped me by holding up her hand and physically stopping me. She said "Stop! Move!" and pushed me back a little bit. Then "Self!" and walked on. If I tried walking forward she would stop, push me back and say "Stop! Move! Self!" After the grocery store I didn't put up with it very long as my hands were full of groceries so I just went ahead of her and into the house. Tonight I had a bit more time so I waited to see what she would do. I told her I needed to come too so we could go in the house. She said "NO!" I asked her how she would get in.

Knock me over with a feather but she looked at me like I was an idiot, held out her hands and said "Keys!"

So Kacey says to me "Dada?" I said "He's at work." "Mama?" "She's right here silly girl!" So then she says "Bye, bye!" I said "You want mommy to go bye bye? Who would be here with Kacey?" She responds "SELF!!!"