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| he just didn't understand why I left him alone there ='( |
Maybe words
ain’t enough for all the thoughts & feelings I have right now. It hurts
more than it did before the surgery. Maybe saying things here would be better
for me then literally saying them out. It had been a very long day for me. Long.
So long that time haven’t felt that long for quite some time already. From morning
till afternoon, it was just waiting for time to pass, to reach 4pm so I could
just call up the vet & see if I could pick elmo back, not leaving him alone
in the cage feeling sore & all without anyone by his side. Upon calling, he
was still in his surgery right at 4pm and the operation took longer than
anticipated. Not knowing when he’s going to be operated was bad, knowing that
he’s in it was worse, & hearing what the vet told me on the phone about his
condition & how he had been suffering all these while was much more
heartwrenching. Small spiky stones embedded in his tissues all this while and
required so much flushing during the surgery to get it off. & we are not
done yet. There still one remaining that wasn’t accessible & we can only
leave it to fate. Long surgery, high dose of anesthesia for a shortmuzzle dog
who doesn’t react well to all this anesthesia. Maybe the word heartwrenching had been used
too much in this case, but I really can’t think of any other word to even try
to describe how I feel. Day without him at home was also out of the norm – I didn’t
have someone waiting at the doorstep for me, I didn’t have to on the fan for
him or prepare treats. All I know was that he left the house in the morning
feeling all excited getting to go out. Feeling excited when we were getting off
the car. All I could do was put him in the vet’s cage. He was all puzzled &
disappointed, I could remember his face when I kept him in the cage and left. He
didn’t know what was going to happen to him. It’s like no matter how hard I tried
to tell him he’s going for a surgery or reassure him, he won’t fully understand.
& right now, it’s so hard on him, so uncomfortable & painful yet he can’t
tell me either. Yes, I have the painkillers. How would I know if he’s in pain? This
dear elmo has always been one brave soul although I would laugh at his cowardly
acts all the time back then. He always wait quietly for us to realize, even
times when he didn’t have water anymore, he just wait at his bowl hoping that
he could get our attention. He doesn’t bark, he doesn’t whine, he doesn’t do
any small actions. He just wait for us to realise. He is this affectionate boy who
barked at the assistants so that they could give him some attention when he
felt panicky, according to the vet. & the long surgery had been tough on
him it hurts the vet too seeing him feeling sore yet still so understanding to
us humans. The vet even used a ‘potent dose’ of anesthesia to make him feel
better after the operation. Despite his wound & pain, elmo stood up when he
heard my mama & I. what struck me was this sick kid managing the pain
trying to stand up & acknowledge us, tube sticking out & wrapped in
bandages, blood dripping from the tube and his lethargic face after this whole
ordeal. He just wanted us to bring him home soon. I tried my best to drive home
smoothly so as to minimize all the jerks, & I swear it was a very very lost
feeling driving while he was suffering at the backseat & my mama was trying
hard to take care of him. I really just wanted to stop at the junction. It’s
the sense of helplessness that’s getting to me very much. There’s nothing I can
do to understand him more or make him comfortable. & I couldn’t emphasize
how much elmo was trying to be a good boy & lessen our burden. Upon getting
home we laid him in his bed, he got up from his bed in the living room, dragged
his body slowly to the kitchen to his toilet tray to pee & tried to poo. Honestly
speaking, I wouldn’t even blame him for doing the exact thing in my living
room. I’ll be more than willing to clean up for him this time round. But he didn’t,
he just bring himself all the way to the back of the house in that state. There’s
so much that I wanna do for him to make him feel better, but yet at the same
time there’s really nothing I could do for him. It hurts =’( because he’s a
dog, I can’t give him what he really wants and know how he really feels. because
he’s part of my family, I care. Argh. I don’t even know who I can thrash all
this out too. I just hope there would be as little complication as possible. Please.
=’(
