I have thoughts. Lots and lots of them. Things I want to share. Things nobody on earth probably cares about. But I am a perfectionist. And so I don't blog. I don't write down the thoughts. Because as any perfectionist knows, it's not worth doing something unless you do it as correct as possible with perfect grammar, punctuation, choice of vocabulary etc. But I want to throw those shackles off. I am not going to type this in a word document first and edit it to pieces before posting. I am not going to read it seventeen times making minuscule changes. I am just going post it and hopefully enjoy the freedom of not spending an hour and 45 minutes on a a blog post - the freedom that non-perfectionists enjoy everyday.

I have been wanting to share about a book that I finished a while back, but in the meantime I have finished three more books. (Huge victories for a slow reader). Combine perfectionism and procrastination in one person and NOTHING WILL EVER GET DONE. At least not the non-essentials. There is lots of clean laundry, yummy meals, scrubbed showers and a new dry creek bed to direct water flow around one corner of the house...but there are no blog posts. They are not essential. This is also why I rarely read fiction. And if I do, it is to catch up on some classic I should have read in school. (This is not a blast against fictions lovers, just an explanation of how I explain things about me in my own head. Isn't that what a blog is all about?).

And so, here is one of the books I have finished. In fact, finished last night. East of Eden by John Steinbeck. It was sad, disheartening, overly philosophical and effective for squishing spiders (599 pages). It's also epic, fantastic, phenomenal and brilliant according to everything I had heard about it. But I didn't like it. I loved The Pearl and so it seemed natural to try another Steinbeck. But now I feel like I need to read the Cliff Notes or something to get all the smaller symbolism I'm sure I missed. (Don't worry, the whole Cain and Abel parallel was not lost on me). Or perhaps I would have been better off just stumbling upon it without anyone else's opinions or reviews. That was how I read The Pearl and  Robinson Crusoe by Defoe. Anyhow, it's done. And somewhere I hope my 11th grade English teacher is smiling to herself and not knowing why, but perhaps it's because somewhere in the world one of her former pupils has read all the way through a brick of literature without being cajoled by a demanding class syllabus. For you, Ms. Farley...thanks for dragging us by the hand through The Grapes of Wrath.

Hi friends, the poor dear blog got quite neglected in the midst of wedding chaos, but now that Jack and I are happily married (and I have reliable internet for the first time in ten months!) I hope to be posting more. Looking forward to spilling my thoughts out electronically soon...

Once again I have sadly neglected this blog. But once again it was due to poor internet access (argh!) as well as my own procrastination. But thoughts are again overflowing and begging to be typed somewhere at least for my own peace of mind.

Christmas is "over" but I am still confused by what has happened over the past month. Actions and beliefs, meaning and celebration, it's just not lining up. I'm not a grinch. Not in the least. But somewhere along the line I've been taught over and over again that Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Christ. And we will celebrate it with church and trees and nativity scenes and stars and gifts and snowflakes and reindeer and that jolly fat man and train sets and dancing sugar plum fairies and after a while I don't know what I'm celebrating anymore.

On Christmas day night Jack and I watched the movie "The Nativity." It was then I realized that I should have watched it back on the day after Thanksgiving - when the whole whirlwind began. I should have watched it then to set the tone for I really wanted to celebrate and what I loved most about the season. If I say that I am celebrating Christ's birth at Christmas, why do all of these other traditions and symbols come crowding in? I think the answer for me is passivity. If I passively stand back, the media, consumerism, "the man", the culture I live in, whatever you want to call it, will sneak in and tell me what I should be celebrating and what it should look like.

I am 31 years-old. I'm taking my Christmas back. And I will do so by celebrating what I have always known is the reason I celebrate Christmas: the birth of Christ. No, I'm not going to instantly toss out a lifetime of special Christmas tree ornaments I have been given or have collected or burn the stocking I've had since childhood, but I will be much more intentional about how I think about Christmas and what I do surround myself with be it decorations or music or movies etc. Somewhere in the back of my mind I have been thinking, "Yeah, Christmas is Jesus, and Rudolph, and a celebration of Snow! Snow, snow, snow!!" (I grew up in Florida. By the ocean. This makes no sense.) I don't think I want it to be a big conglomeration of things for me anymore. I don't want to overshadow the birth of Christ with a celebration of the creation - of winter.

I do recognize the need for moderation and balance and all that, and that each person will find that in their own way I suppose. But if you stand back and be passive, as I mentioned before, you will find yourself celebrating secular traditions whose religious symbolism has been lost or forgotten or never had any connection to advent in the first place.

As I wandered through the Christmas clearance sales yesterday I didn't find much of what I was looking for. The Hobby Lobby had one nativity. That was it. The "stuff" at Target, TJ Maxx, World Market etc. all felt misdirected (I did buy two metal wreath hangers...useful year-round!).  Was all the "religious Christmas paraphernalia" already snapped up by zealous post-holiday sale shoppers? No, because it wasn't really there in the first place. I haven't had many Christmases in the states lately (this is the third since 2002), but I just can't seem to find Christ at the store. When I taught about Christmas overseas there was always an even balance between secular and religious traditions in my lessons. But that balance is missing in our stores over here. And Santa is wining. Bing Crosby crooned out "Away in a Manger" on the loudspeaker as shoppers yesterday plowed through clearance stockings, chocolate Santa candies and ornaments of all shapes and sizes. The ornaments are especially puzzling: an elephant, a cowboy boot, a watering can, feathers, a taxi cab, a local school mascot. What the heck does hanging a glass ballerina or a tiny knit mitten on a tree have to do with the birth of our Savior? I don't get it. The next song on the loudspeaker was "The First Noel." Sigh.

And so next year I will begin my Christmas with watching "The Nativity." And I will not be passive. I will not let sales and stores and catalogs tell me what Christmas should look/taste/smell like. But I will celebrate, not quietly and inoffensively, but loudly, the birth of Christ.