So now look at the right hand corner of my blog and see what gets what my freak on. To learn the art of balancing on an object made with two wheels and some pieces of metal. The BICYCLE. I've been wanting to learn cycling all my life. Even in sec 3 I remember pasting this picture of a girl on a bicycle on my study desk because back then u were allowed to decorate ur table and wrap and paste stuff on it. I think it was just an initiative that you vandalise the wrapping on the table n not the table itself hehe. Anyway, so clever me went to conduct a survey in my office and found out that ALL my colleagues can ride a bicycle and think tt its the most basic thing that every human being shld know how to do. *Piang.. there goes the sound of breaking of my heart. So I feel like I'm the only deprived one not being able to feel my hair flying behind me when I cycle or seeing sights disappear fast from my view. This year has got to be the year. Ok I say it every yr but I'm so determined to accomplish the task of learning this wonderful art of cycling hehe.

Anyway I've been spending time with a girlfriend of mine who buys and shops for brandless clothes and even gets tops at S$2 hehe from overseas of course and I begin to wonder at what age did I even begin to be brand conscious because when I look at her its not as if she was decked from heart to toe with branded goods. But she was dressed in clothes she knew complimented her and in designs so original you know no one will be caught in the same top as you. Now tts what I call guts and originality. To dare to be different and yet still have an element of yourself in it. It's just being yourself and not following what the world believes in and conforming to them. Hehe thats what I feel angst abt these days that I have my own style yet feel condemned for it. Speaking of which its time to post pics of my new hairdo.. =)

And yes this is my new hairdo.. No comments... just shuddup shuddup. At least I dare to cut and dye like that humpf. But erm polite comments are welcomed. Always wonder what my mummy wld say but many say I look like her now. I miss her sighz..

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The side view of my hair..

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the beautiful bouquet... awww so pretty

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Outside Phin's Steakhouse cineleisure. Cline holding the sunflower bouquet we bought for her hehe..

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hsien zhuan grew a long neck. ade has x ray eyes and lao go looks bored. We were in the middle of orchard rd hehe..

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family portrait.. hehe

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i love my pretty babes..

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gracie.chrystella.preeti... i love my multi racial clique hehe.. n im so proud of them for who they are. love love

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Dear Me,
your hair was cut n dyed today. The end result was a very punky and funky look. The top part of your hair can defy gravity even without styling. You were called a rooster today because some parts of your hair can stand. You have nv seen such shortness before. The mahogany as well as orange mixed dye has caused you to look even louder than usual. Everyone is shocked to see you in this state. Even your owner herself cant recognise you in the mirror any longer. Its about as short as Olinda Cho's length. Hard to manage and I believe it frustrates your owner to wake up early to style you. She finally owns a bottle of Gatsby and hopes she doesnt look bunk. Punk and funk is alright though. A desperate attempt to wear a mini and a pink tee today still cannot stop the stares. Your owner feels taller suddenly because her hair has added height. She will post fotos of her hair soon and hope the world doesnt ignore her coz she has loud hair. She hopes her interviewer would not minus points tmr as well when she sees your crown of glory.

In addition, you have recently taken an interest in jogging around your toa payoh estate. 3km each time you run. The run normally starts ard 10-11pm but thank God you have a very sweet companion tt jogs with you. Though your thigh muscles hurt nw but I know you truly believe that you will emerge stronger physically, mentally and emotionally out of this. And you will receive the utmost support from friends who know what it means to lose the esteem and self confidence.

Repeat after me: "I love myself very much and therefore I will not diet n starve to hurt my body."

And to my brainy Christline Estelle, Happy 19th Birthday. Been my pillar of strength through the rough times. Loved me despite knowing my faults and invested time just being with me and talking to me. We have been through the happy, good, bad, sadness, anger and the growing up years of our lives. Our first contact with each other was when we were secret pals during teenzeal camp. Lilo and Stitch gootness hehe. Nv tot that in the nx year to come our bond wld be so strong and stay firm in the nx 3 years that is to come. You are more precious than just any sister to me. You know me and seen my tears and know my taste and allowed me to whine to you abt my crushes and the big bullies that came my way. We share the same taste and zest for life but nv the same crushes thank God haha. I love you and I celebrate our closer than friendship bond on your birthday and pray that we wld grow old reminiscing of the wonderful memories we shared together.

Also to my hammie and best girlfriend(apart from sammi) hehe Tirene, Happy 20th Birthday. I love you too and its been so wonderful just talking, meeting up with you and spending those two years in jc with you. I will nv forget our pasta outing with Sammi that cemented this friendship. You accepted your mudder cow just as she was and looked at me n valued me on the inside. I loved our singing sessions and how you always compliment me no matter how I dress or accessorised myself. On your 20th Birthday, I would like to esteem you that despite the notion that 20 is the age whereby you are neither a girl nor a woman, in my eyes you a Woman of God who is nv afraid to proclaim His love for you. I wanna grow old with you by my side.. no matter if you are spinning your hamster wheel by then or me grazing grass.. I will always rem the beautiful Tirene who entered my life with her unique character and style.

You are both my favourite women on this earth and I love you both so much. A love that can only be felt not mouthed. You are both Princesses and Daughters of daddy God and may your blossom in life and be a success and blessing no matter where you are placed. *HUGZ.TIGHTLY...

Love,
Me

Received really concerned smses that has nv stopped. hehe.. Preeti and Sammi darlings invited me to their homes for dinner this week. It's been really sweet cause I have not had homecooked food for so long.

Dun really know what to blog except that I am learning to make jewellery these days. Had theory lessons all I need now is to do hands on. So far I have conquered sewing coin purses and the likes of it. So exciting.

Have been bullied non-stop this week by really mean ppl who keep calling me fat and stuff. It's been like tt for two mths everyday and I'm sick of all this shit lah. But nahz I wun let them have the last laugh.

I'm going for a job interview to work in my church bkshop full time. Something I would love to do because I really dun mind being in the house of God. And at least I know I won't be constantly teased and all tt.

Recently I have been in love with virgin looking skirts. You know the long long skirts that go to your ankles and stuff. And yes I have been teased for my unique style of accessories and dressing as well. Well at least I have my own sense of style. Humpf.

When you feel angry and agonised.. a haircut is what you need. Going for that tmr as well as a dye job.

Happy Bday Sha!! Sweet 19 before we reach the in between age. =)

The tears have stopped but the concerned smses and calls nv stopped coming in. Thank you for the love and concern you guys have shown. It's really nice having all of you wanting to meet up with me just for the company or hear me talk. Took three days off my work from mon-wed and met up with so many ppl. Before wednesday, I kept telling my friends how I had to learn to cook and how there won't be opinions from my mummy anymore when I need them. However after talking to a beloved sister of mine on wednesday night, I really found more peace. I talked about things in my heart that I knew but would have never said out if we hadn't talked.

I want my friends to know that just because I faced a blow such as this magnitude in my life, it doesn't mean they can no longer turn to me when they face personal trials. I'm still the Grace I was before just perhaps I am much stronger inside. If anything, this trial has given me more capacity to love. I think in times of trial when you sow in ppls' lives, it brings me true joy. I never once blamed God for any of this because He created the heavens and the earth and if He created Man, it never was His purpose to see us suffer. I know His purpose in my life for me and where sin abounds, grace superabounds. I am really picking up the pieces and though it may seem a little too fast for many of you, I am truely excited to see what the future has in store for me. I am my mum's legacy and to know that as I live each day.. I am bringing out alittle of her in me. One can only grieve for a moment but time doesn't wait for Man to stop grieving before it starts moving again. I believe that whatever time I have left on this earth, I should live it well and to the fullest before I meet my mum again in heaven.

My daddy God has began a great work in my life and I am excited to see what's in store. Earthly death isn't the end, it springs forth greater hope and faith to believe that all things will work out for good in the end. =)

So its over. My heart is bleeding even as I write this. All you read are words but the pain inside is tearing me apart.

I would like to thank Christline Estelle Ng, my brainy for being there with me the morning it all happened right to the evening. If she wasn't beside me to lend a shoulder for comfort I would have been so lost. I know guys are afraid to hear girls cry but I would like to thank my dudie for just hearing me cry through the fone. I want to thank so many many of you who came even though we haven been in contact for so long. For those precious smses of concern even though some of you couldnt make it.

It never was easy since 2003. I never told anyone all the pain I felt inside. From the first time she was diagnosed to her second relapse. I will miss her cooking, her laughter and most importantly her presence. For many who told me take care I know you are unable to identify with my sense of loss. I wish to be downright honest. I don't want to go into details those final moments before she passed on but writing would allow me to bear my emotions at this point of time.

For an only daughter, when her mother dies.. I have these thoughts fleeting constantly through my mind. I wonder who do I consult when I need help with makeup and hair. My mother was honest abt hw I dressed and whether I looked alright in a certain attire. I'm nt exactly slim and when I do dress up I have fears that I do show off those unsightly fats. Mummy's words of reassurance always give me confidence to step out of the house. I'm always beautiful to her because I'm her daughter. Who do I hug and confide girly stuff with when I face a trial? A mother is so impt to a daughter because she is like that big role model and that one woman you know you can completely trust you whole life with. I was really close to my mum. I really enjoyed holding her hands in public and spending time shopping with her.

When my friends saw me at the wake.. everyone thinks I'm coping well because I smile and joke.. but the fact is how do I look solemn and show my true emotions in front of all of you.. there wld only be worry and awkwardness. After not seeing many of you for such a long time I felt putting up a brave front was the best way to ensure tt I enjoy all your presence and yet allow you guys to leave not having to worry for me. Even without the constant conversations.. just your presence was enough to comfort me.

The hugs especially were greatly appreciated because I greatly needed them. I needed to hug someone tightly esp a female and thank you all of you who even bothered to turn up and hug me. To say I want to be left alone to grieve is a lie. I so badly need company to feel sane. I need to talk, I need my friends' presence in my life. So ask me out if you can. I'm starting work on thurs. And I hate it if theres gonna be pity in the office. So sorry if I couldn't reply all your smses. Too many and really too busy with all the preparations. The aftermath nw is starting to take its toil on me.

I'm gonna be strong and make my mummy proud of me. But for this period of time I need to come to terms with it and being the one to spend those last moments with mummy and the first to find her gone is so heartwrenching. I thought tt when I work.. I mature alot faster than those studying and now tt I face a personal tragedy in my life.. I grow up even faster. I think I can start training for the housewife course. Now tt the home is left with daddy and me.. I'm gonna learn to sew, cook, wash, clean and to be the Woman in the Tan household. To add a woman's touch to the home. My mum left behind a legacy I will take after. I really want to learn those wonderful Peranakan dishes she used to cook for all of us. You know when married adults lose their parents.. they have their soulmate to take comfort in. When humans like me lose their parents.. being single and having no time to stay in contact with friends she missed.. its really difficult. Sometimes you wonder if you are a pest to them. You wonder if its love from their heart or a sense of pity.

I so want to spend time with my friends, to get out of the house where those memores lie but I need to be a pillar of strength to daddy. My dad really loved my mum alot. They were the most loving couple I have ever met. They held hands no matter where they went, watch every new movie together. My dad was there for my mum these past two years. Her illness further magnified his love for her. He was there for her every step of the way. The hospital checkup, the diagnosis, the therapies, the hospitalisation, the medicine taking, the cleaning up, the meals, the operations. I'm proud of daddy for being the husband that stood by my mother through it all. He took over all the housework over the last two years and is even better than it than me. If not, I guess I would be so lost now. As time goes by, I will have to learn from daddy how to take over as the woman of the house.

There's so much I want to say. I display my feelings openly but wld never grieve in public. Anw here's the eulogy that I read out dedicated just for mummy. I read it with confidence and not a single tear. I dunno whether anyone was touched by what I read but I know deep down inside.. I made my mummy proud. I delivered this eulogy with the same confidence and conviction I did for every speech in secondary school.

My Eulogy for Mummy

"She is the mother that my brother and I loved. A woman of strength who never gave up during life's struggles. I am Grace, her miracle baby. A daughter given to her when all doctors told my mum the risk of conceiving me at the age of 39. When all doctors told her the bad report that I would be a blue baby that the risks were high, she chose to give birth to me. A mother's love is unconditional and in the past 19 years I have spent with her I have indeed tasted her unconditional and self sacrificial love for me.

She was a typical lady. I take after my mum. We both love our shoes, bags,makeup, shopping be it alone or with each other and simply just enjoying good food. I would choose to remember my mother for who she was before. She wasn't just a mother to me. She was my dad's wife and his lifetime companion of 32 years. She was a grandmother to Sarabelle Joy who bestowed gifts on her whenever she could afford it. She was a wonderful cook who could whip up wonderful Peranakan dishes and who won the praise of many of my friends. She was the mother who believed in faith with me through life's trials. Who sang my praises in front of all her friends. Who was never ashamed to tell the world she was proud of me. She was a loyal friend to many. She never failed to keep in contact with friends that were from her childhood or her old colleagues. She had faithful friends who stood by her during her most difficult period. She was a woman who took pride in her crown of glory. A woman who was praised by many and proud of the fact that she looked nothing like her 58 years. She was from school choir and loved singing just like me. She enjoyed watching drama serials and getting herself involved in the whole plot. She was my confidante, someone I could trust with my problems and who often than not pointed me back to the finished work on the cross. She kept me rooted in Christ through the numerous bible stories before bedtime when I was little. She was quick to forgive me when I made her angry. She was the one who patiently gave me chinese spelling in primary school even though she wasn't fluent in mandarin. She was the first to hear me recite every single speech I had to make for occasions in school. She is my role model. A woman after God's own heart that I would choose to take after.

My mum was born in a Christian family. And towards the end of her life, she still believed in Jesus and the finished work on the cross. We said prayers and her calls for Jesus and our agreed Amens I believed were never in vain. I would miss her and so would many of you seated here who knew her in one way or another. She is now safe and in eternal bliss with Daddy God . Her memories are my treasures to keep. And she would forever remain in that special place reserved for her in my heart.

For indeed 2 Timothy 4:7 celebrates the life she had. "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

Thank you."

I miss my mummy so much. But be sure I will slowly pick up the pieces and move on.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7

My mum has passed on to be with Daddy God on the 8th of July 2005. I am coming to terms with it all. The funeral svc will be held on sat 9th july at 8pm and the casket wld leave at 8am for the mandai crematorium. She is scheduled for cremation at 9am. Her obituary wld be out in the straits time later today. Her body is kept at Mount Vernon Parlour 2.

For those who came today to support me in my time of need, I'm eternally grateful. Your presence means the world to me at this point of time. For those who wish to come, you're welcomed to do so.

My mum has fought the good fight and she will forever remain in my heart. That special place just for her. I love you mummy.

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