I'm a really emo person I must say. And I have been feeling a whole truckload of emotions these few short weeks. I can't wait for May to pass coz it feels so trying and sometimes so alone for me. I get disappointed when appointments I so look forward to are nt fulfilled and I feel this sense of loss like a missed chance to catch up with ppl I care abt. I cry so much this mth.. I dunno whats wrong with me.

My mind these few weeks have friends' faces popping up and if I can I try to sms them to tell them I kinda miss them or keep them silently in my bedtime prayers. I got excited these few days because I've been reliving old, forgotten pastimes like going to the beach to suntan and recently playing card and board games at this cafe opp Paradiz Centre. hehe.. pretty fun and really takes my mind off my future or ever present thoughts confronting me.

Anw I'm working 16 and half hrs tmr.. 8.5 at the bank and 8 hrs at spore pools. I'd rather nt think abt it. I have an interview with a local university on wed as well. And all I can think abt is finding sufficient rest in times like these. I need great grace and faith these two days.. I wish its the 1st of June nw hehe..

I miss studying.

April has been a real fulfilling mth for me I must say. Been to a few bday dinners at Waraku, Surf and Turf.. farewell dinners for colleagues at Ramen 10, Sakae etc.. of which I prolly think my money flew away pretty fast too hehe.. But am really blessed for the chances I got to spend time with different grps of ppl I love.. church friends, sec school peeps and office colleagues.. Met up with a few ppl who have been on my mind but I seldom meet.

For those who haven seen me for a long time and prolly lost touch of what I've been up to.. I'm currently working two jobs. I still have a contract with HSBC but am currently doing night and weekends if I can at Spore pools. I'm a telephone "bookie" for soccer muahahha hehe.. Have been receiving great proposals for jobs in the mth of May and for that I'm thankful. I think for now I'm coping well with both jobs though I guess I wld be sacrificing much of my own personal time but its only for 3 mths I guess.. till july. I think its a great bonus that both my offices are so near each other.. At dhoby ghaut the atrium and at Paradiz.. truly blessed that its of walking distance so I can save on transportation! yay!

Been to JB this mth and oh man so happy! My toric contact lens was at half price. I used to pay like 160 or more for 6 mths of contacts and tts really straining on my finances ever since I wore contacts 5 yrs ago.. I've prolly paid like a thousand already hehe.. anyway I just received my contacts via registered mail this week despite my initial doubts abt msia being safe and all coz I paid in full for the goods... Even the contact solution was real cheap at RM36 for 2 bottles plus one travel pack plus one eye drop. I think lets not talk abt their fashion sense and price of clothes there but hair, nails, spects and dry goods are real steals.. Even my seafood dinner at Taman Sentosa for 4 ppl and 7 dishes later only cost RM74. Bliss...

Anw I'm going on holiday AGAIN!!! After my mini KL trip in march and Batam last nov.. I'm finally leaving on a jetplane to BANGKOK!!!! CHEAPNESS! June 22-26 tts like 39 more days. Going in a real big grp this time but wld prolly plan my own itinery like last yr's Batam trip. My holiday and my coming education in July is prolly the reason why I'm currently holding two jobs..

Speaking of education... I'm currently waiting for my letter of confirmation and July is not far away at all I must say so therefore I'm real excited abt school. You know while all my friends have made a headstart in life and continued like nothing much stopped for them and loathe abt school, my education kinda took a backseat this one yr. It's really been over a yr since I entered school and enjoyed being a normal student and having not to worry abt money. And though I'm gonna start school soon I still got to think abt my expenses.. dun think I can be a full time student but this one yr of work has really cultivated in me a great desire to study.. the desire hasn't been extinguished. It just got stronger I must say.

I think after nearly a yr of unfeelingness.. this mth my emotions suddenly took a turn for needing care and concern. I realise that where I used to be able to tell my mum stuff and she wld be my listening ear.. daddies can never play the same role as mummies.. tts why God gave us parents for different times of need. Dad always tells me that what I say ain impt and not to bother him with trivial matters.. and I sometiems hate that I got to find friends to be my listening ear where I used to be their pillar of support.. But I'm still glad and blessed to have gfs who pledged to fill in the motherly role in my life even when they say they dun look the part or can nv take the place my mum holds in my heart. Just real happy to have ppl who love me so much.

Mothers' Day ard the corner.. have you bought your gifts? I think its time to show your love and care for the irreplaceable one woman in all your lives that gave you life and brought you up.. and for some of you prolly still wash your clothes, your dishes, make your bed, become your morning alarm clock and snooze button of 5 more min mum etc... hehe.. This sunday wld be real painful for me. Because I nv thought last yr's mothers' day wld be my last with my mummy. No more nice dinners, sweet presents or lovely cards for the one woman who has been an inspiration to my life. For the first time this mth... my heart opened to great longing. I suddenly missed her for the role she played in my life and for the part my dad can never fulfil.

But the Grace you see and befriend and catch up on old times with is still strong inside and out to love her friends with broken hearts and lives.. And to show you the bliss in April she experienced... I guess the photos after this entry however blur they are are testimonies of snippets of bliss I experienced in times of longing and busy-ness.

=)

grp.dinner.with.Angie.at.Waraku...

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my.dinner... woo..

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The.bday.girl's.dinner

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doesn't.this.pic.look.like.it.came.out.from.Goldilocks.and.the.Three.Bears?

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happy.boy.with.big.bowl.not.so.happy.boy.with.small.bowl

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farnie.kind.of.pic...

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my.darling.babes

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the.starbucks.brownie.for.our.bday.girl

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the.classy.and.chic.white.shoulder.bag.that.Angie.dearie.wanted..

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dun.u.think.my.son.Sean.looks.like.phua.chu.kang hehe

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of.the.10000.self.pics.we.took... this is the only one where we din have some part of us cut off hehe

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ohmigawd.i.realli.look.like.i.have.3.children hehehe..

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some.of.my.darling.colleagues..

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nt.ashamed.to.look.spastic hehe

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fazzy.darling.n.me

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after.my.meal.for.Raymond's.last.day

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fazzy.my.fav.pantat.and.me

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..

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at.borders

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grp.foto.at.far.east

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me.and.the.lovely.huimin..

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holding.our.special.concoction.called.Green.Fuck.specially.mixed.by.the.bday.girl.on.the.extreme.right...

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photo.with.the.bday.babe.NATASHA....

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this.photo.shows.8.yrs.of.friendship.however.much.we.lead.separate.lives...

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the.women.i.love.to.lunch.with... and.whom.ive.always.been.close.to =)

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this.pic.shows.i.have.nice.shoulders.to.slp.on hehehe

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my.darling.eve.and.me.on.her.last.day.at.work... hurray.and.good.riddance.. =X

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the.friendship.forged.across.age hehehe

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girly.pic.with.the.not.so.girly.girl

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some.of.the.nice.ppl.in.my.office

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THE.classic.HSBC.family.pic.sans.the.blurness

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If there's one thing I learnt over the yrs.. its to listen and follow the voice inside me. People call the inside voice all sorts of names.. gut instinct, 6th sense, ancestor's protection whatever.. Christians like me call it the Holy Spirit.. the one that guides and leads ur inner man. Anw.. the last two weeks, I've been to places and done things that gave me no peace and I knew I was heading for regret and I kinda din like what's been happening. In fact, I spent a good part of Saturday.. feeling like I had a nightmare or a hangover and ended up with a really bad headache with no slp.

I think the simplest of things content me these days.. be it rain on a super hot night, the smile on my niece's face when I play with her, the laughter of friends when I joke and the love and affection my friend's dog gives me when I visit the house. I think people seek contentment and happiness in extreme ways. Sex, money, vices to name a few that comes to mind. And then I know of a friend who has it all.. money, looks, influential friends and people wanting to hook up with him/her... bt my friend is not a happy person.. the tears shed that I saw were puddles of wasted tears and of self pity I know not hw to advise. I realise that some people can have all the things in the world yet still feel lonely inside. They have everything yet still have nothing.. thats what I told a gf of mine while spending time with her yest.

The temporary happiness experienced with sex, money and vices I know is not the true joy I want to experience. I think the consciousness of knowing that I have friends who love me.. a family that cares and believes in me and a God I can always call on in times of need is healthy for my soul. Not being self delusional bt at least I constantly remind myself that I'm not lonely not alone. NEVER.

These days when people make fun of me... when ppl give evil comments.. I dun take them to heart anymore. I realise if one allows one's soul to be aware of such things.. I will never be happy and I will be nursing that hurt.. It's like tt pimple one has and when you start touching it, squeezing it, and when you start paying attention to it.. it will grow and blossom into this painful acne that will prolly leave a scar on your face. I'd rather forget and let it be and know that that pimple will surely heal.. and go abt keeping my peace.. That's what's impt to me now. =)

Speaking of which.. I'm prolly taking up a 2nd job this May.. for my future.. for my independence.. for my own life.. for my bangkok trip in June! Lesser time for friends and family no doubt.. bt I'm following my inner peace this time.. hehe.. Leave it and somehow things will find its place in my life.. I'm sure..

And for once I learn to take seriously the phrase..

"Don't worry, Be happy."

=)

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