It's 3 in the morning and I just can't sleep. I feel so many emotions and I can't seem to calm them tonight. After launching our fundraiser and seeing all these lovely people who are so willing to donate and help my family......I guess it just brought up a lot of conflicting feelings. I'm so excited for the future, but still so sad about the past. I'm so grateful to everyone, but feel so humbled and even guilty about needing help. I want another baby so bad, but just miss my Clara and want her back too.
One of my friends said to me recently, "Have you had a pretty easy life up until all this happened"? I said, "Yeah, I guess I have". Then she said,"Well then, this must be your trial".
If this is the big trial in my life then I'm sure as heck going to give it my all. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm not ever going to feel "normal" again. And that's ok. There will always be a little piece of me missing and that is my new "normal". It doesn't mean I can't enjoy life or appreciate all the wonderful things I have. In fact, I think it makes me more appreciative. Every time I look at Cash I think about what a miracle he is. It really just feels like a little hole in my heart. Moving forward and having another baby will definitely help ease the hurt. I pray that by some miracle it will happen for us. But, no matter what, I will always miss little Clara and long to hold her again.
I just needed to put that out there for my Clara. I will miss you always baby of mine.
