Blogging With Beth

I don't know why - I just felt like blogging tonight. It's not because of boredom, since I have plenty to do, but this provides a nice way for me to think things through and empty my sometimes overfull mind.

It's been a busy couple of months since I've last blogged, and much of it hasn't been good. Luckily, the thing that affected me most - morning sickness - is gone, to be replaced instead by heartburn and fatigue. Gosh, I love being pregnant. I know some women really do, and there are parts that I enjoy, like feeling him kick (constantly!), but it will be nice to be "master" of my own body again. At least a little - since I'll be nursing it will be probably another year past that. It's amazing to consider that we're having a boy, and wonder what that will be like, and what will his name be?

I feel like we're getting more settled into our house now. The kindness of some friends (our old neighbors) brought us an additional couch (in good shape but needing a new slipcover) and some carpet that was in perfectly good condition which brightened our basement considerably. Dan also tiled the area around the laundry space and is working on finishing out the basement bathroom. There are enough projects around here to keep him busy for years!

Tonight we had the missionaries over for dinner. They're nice fellows, but we didn't "bond" right off. That's okay. They're doing their job, and they seem to be good men. We talked about ourselves, and them and their families, etc. Having company over spurred me to vacuum downstairs (I threw in the basement as a bonus) and make a big dinner. This is good, as we now have leftovers, which will keep us from throwing our hands in the air at dinnertime and ending up at Taco Bell. They also asked us to commit to praying about a family we can share the gospel with. Dan immediately considered a particular family in our ward who is less-active, and after the elders left, he drove over there...the thing is, in many (most) ways, he's so much better than me, but because we're busy I don't think we focus enough on the spiritual things. It's worse maybe for Dan than for me, as I have a little time during the day while Helena's napping or playing to think and read, whereas he never has a spare moment at work and is often doing extra work after she goes to sleep at night. It comes in waves, and he's on the downward trend now (wrapping up several different jobs) and maybe we can comfortably slip into Christmastime soon.

I am really upset about a particular extended family problem that's been bothering me for a couple of months now. I guess I shouldn't go into much detail (not that this person ever reads my blog!), but suffice it to say, it bogs me down.

The other thing that's been on my mind lately (ad nauseum) is Walt Disney World. I found this radio station online that plays music from the parks, and a few other websites of worth that give reviews, advice, news, etc. Anyway, when I have an extra moment online I find myself checking them out...we definitely won't be going until well after the baby comes - he'll probably be a year old? - before we go again, which I know is likely amazing to some people, but if you think that's bad, consider that there do exist folks who bring their 3 month old, 6 week old, whatever age babies with them and seem to have fun. For me, it's too big an expense to justify bringing such a small baby. Yes, I'm desperate to go, but not THAT desperate. In the meantime, I have websites and radio stations and plenty of good memories. I could take all of the pictures I have from various trips and start scrapbooking...

I guess that's it. There's a new E.R. on tonight, which I guess I'll watch, and of course I just finished The Office. This is TV night at our house. The thing about The Office that seems to be unique, for me, is that I've identified with the characters in a way that would never happen with, say, E.R. - I mean, those people are clearly unreal. No one acts like that. But Dwight? He's real, man. Think that over.

I feel as though I was locked in a prison, given a brief but glorious glimpse of freedom, and shoved back into my cell with nothing but nausea for dinner. But you know what? I am so lucky to be in this particular prison, and I will appreciate my release all that much more when the time comes.

I leave you with my favorite "Office" quote (I'm sure you fans will recall this one): "I want them to fear how much they love me."

Since it seems like we're all sharing our feelings here on our blogs, I'll join in, although be prepared: as with most of what I write, it's tongue-in-cheek.

I have to express my gratitude that Heavenly Father blesses me in spite of my lack of faith. I asked specifically today for two things: One, that I would not throw up in the middle of my final exam for my BYU class, and two, that I would be able to remember at least the things I studied. Both requests were granted. This proves to me that I need to stop worrying and start believing, because honestly, most of my prayers are answered, and they're usually answered in the way I asked for them to be.

I'm also having some feelings about Harry Potter. No, I don't imagine myself WITH him in any significant way or anything like that (get our minds out of the gutter!). I just have this nagging worry in my mind that Book 7 will come out, I'll cheat and look at the last page, and he'll be gone. Lots of people had the same worry prior to Book 6's release and he was fine (although we had to deal with the collective anguish of losing Dumbledore). It's one thing to have the books over and done with; another thing completely to have him leave his fictional existence forever. And honestly - it's not like he'll die and Voldemort will die, but then Harry gets to be resurrected. There's only one way that happens and we'll all have to wait for that. On the other hand, what a shame if someone else (traitor!) were to continue the series after Rowling dies - or even 50 years from now - and we get another "Scarlett?" Remember that scene on the beach?

Fortunately, I have a lot of other things to do besides mull this over constantly. Either way, life goes on for me (unless that semi with my name on it comes around the corner) and it's only going to get busier at this point.

While I'm on the topic of second-rate sequels - what was up with that last Anne of Green Gables movie - "Anne: The Continuing Story?" I think it would have been better NOT to have continued the story. They garbled the plot and, let's face it, Anne looks about 48 years old. Let's stop now before we get seriously depressed.

"Wish I was an English muffin about to make the most out of a toaster..."

Happy Friday!

Ever since we moved into our new house, we no longer have "expanded basic cable," which includes channels like TLC, HGTV, etc. We now have "basic cable" because we had to get the cable internet connection anyway for Dan, and it was as cheap to have the basic cable as it was to go without. The trouble is, basic cable includes the major networks, TBS, religious channels, local channels, and every home shopping channel known to mankind. It also includes the Travel Channel. That is my downfall. The elimination of cable (mostly) from my life is a positive thing, but now I find myself soaking up the travel shows, and I'm getting the itching again to just go. Dan and I have this loose plan to go to Spain for our 10th wedding anniversary, so I think that's going to be my earliest opportunity. I hold onto hope that I will have the opportunity to travel someday because of a promise in my patriarchal blessing. I hope it meant I would actually travel and not just get a lifetime subscription to National Geographic.

Let me take just a few sentences to thank everyone who actually reads this blog. It's not the funniest, most well-written, or most revelatory blog in the world but it does provide a way for me to make some record of my life and work out the thoughts that sometimes fill my mind (I don't have a Pensieve to put them in.) Even if no one reads this I can "count" it as my journal writing, I hope.

"I'd save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up." (I was once a receptionist so I must agree.)

To all my LDS friends reading this blog: How many church callings do you have? I'd just like to know. Thanks for sharing.

I've had sort of a bad morning, and a crummy week. The only thing that will bring it back is two straight hours of ""My Name is Earl" and "The Office," which is pretty sad when you think about it - that only television can clear my head and give me some perspective. My frustration level is at the max, which I think has to do with hormones and stuff, but it doesn't make it any easier. I have to say this somewhere and cyberspace is as good as anywhere else.

In brighter news, at least North Muskegon isn't drowning in a flood like Houston or burning to a crisp like Sedona, Arizona. All things considered, it's a good day!

"Happiness depends not on what happens outside of you, but what happens inside of you." - Harold B. Lee

I realized when I was about to post this that I haven't blogged in a month. Unfortunately, like many other things, this has become sort of a "low-priority" item these days. So what's more important? Being sick all day, mostly - paying homage to the "porcelain god" on a regular basis, although for an excellent cause.

I have just a few beefs to make - this early in the morning I can't possibly be anything but cranky, right? - and this will, alas, have to be the place to put them.

First, I have to say that the death penalty is wrong. I'm sorry if everybody reading this is now calling me a bleeding-heart liberal (and they'd be wrong), but I just can't believe that a bunch of imperfect humans, with an incomplete knowledge of the situation (including the motives, intents, and feelings of the accused), can make such a final decision. All I know is, I certainly don't want the responsibility. And I get as mad and upset as anyone else at these criminals, who end people's lives and destroy families and all the rest. It's just that I believe that the final judgement rests with God, not with Judge Anybody or Governor Whatsit. So, present a compelling argument if you can, and if you really believe it.

Then I have to beef a little bit about the inappropriate use of the apostrophe in today's English. Now, I am a bit of a nut about spelling, anyway, if not English grammar, but this is getting out of hand - I see BILLBOARDS over the highway with incorrect usage! Here's the rule: You do NOT need to use an apostrophe to make something plural. You can just write "chickens," not "chicken's." Unless something belongs to the chicken, when of course you use the apostrophe to make the word possessive: "the chicken's egg." Or unless you want to shorten the phrase with a contraction: instead of the "The chicken is sleeping" you could use the apostrophe to say, "The chicken's sleeping." My main problem is that everybody and their cousin uses the darn apostrophe to make words plural, and it's a waste of a perfectly good penstroke (or keystroke). Even my husband's sign company has produced signs with this problem. Maybe in my next career I'll be a copy editor.

My last complaint (thank goodness; who's still reading this?) is about people who have nothing better to do, and so make trouble for others. I have an uncle like this: he's always trying to get me involved in things I care nothing about, or he'll call me and complain about something over which I have no control, usually church-related. But it doesn't just happen to me. We have a girl in our neighborhood (probably early 20's in age) who raises hens at a family member's farm north of here, then sells the eggs in our neighborhood. They're cage-free, organic, all the rest. Most of the neighborhood, myself included, appreciate her weekly stops to ask if we'd like to buy eggs. But one cranky person, probably older than dirt, decided to call City Hall and complain about her, thus requiring her to buy a license to run a business in North Muskegon. Oh, come ON! At $2 a dozen I'd hardly call it a business. Honestly. For those of us busy with a million different things (kids, work, church, house, etc.) this is unbelieveable.

On a more positive note: I have an amazing family. My husband has taken to washing dishes and laundry for the duration, and my daughter pats my back while I ralph. My mom, sisters, and aunts have been baby-sitting machines, helping me finish my BYU class or just giving me a break. And at least some of the men in the family freely gave their time to help Dan with the roof last weekend. I'd better stop now, because my gratitude list could go on forever.

"Cash your dreams before they slip away."

Will Pam go through with it?

Will Angela and Dwight break it off?

Will I ever live in Scranton?

"I feel like the babies are the real artists."

Lots of existential thinking going on here...I recently watched "What the Bleep Do We Know," followed by a run on the library for all books metaphysical. Don't worry, I haven't lost my more traditional faith. Just trying to know it all, as usual!

Speaking of existential things...Helena and I stopped at the cemetery where my grandmother is buried today (it's very near one of Helena's favorite playgrounds). I told her about how Grandma Gloria was my ga-ga, just like Helena has a Ga-Ga (my mom, her grandma) who loves her, etc. She knelt down and pointed at the headstone and said "ga-ga?" Then she started walking all over the cemetery searching for dandelions, which she promptly picked and then put in a small pile right on my grandma's grave. It was kind of touching, and slightly sacred, and I wished more than anything that I could be with Grandma and Helena at the same time. Alas, it will be many years and in another lifetime before that happens.

Spring is out in full force here and we're enjoying it from the vantage point of our new home. We call it our "grown-up" home, because it's the sort of place we could raise our family in and stay forever. It's on a nice quiet street, has a nice-sized backyard complete with jungle gym, 4 bedrooms and a breakfast nook. What more could you want? It naturally needs some paint and personality but I'm grateful to say I have that in abundance, although whether or not it translates into decorating or not remains to be seen.

Tonight we're going out to dinner with my family for Andrea's birthday. She's 30, if you can believe it, but I restrained myself in card purchases. Nothing too mean, see.

More than that I haven't much to tell. I feel rather happy today!

"He can see no reasons 'cause there are no reasons..."

The forecast calls for snow for the next 5 days. What's that about? Aren't we supposed to be welcoming the bright new spring season? The good thing is, there's been enough excitement around here that I scarce have time to notice the weather. A week ago Sunday we sold our house, after just three weeks on the market and after one open house. We're selling to a newly single man who seems to be a really nice guy who should fit well in the neighborhood. So on Mar. 29 we'll close first on the sale of this house, then on the purchase of our new house 6 blocks west of here. It's about three times as big, with a little bigger yard and everything. Thrill of thrills, we'll have a dining room! And I'll be able to wash dishes without waking Helena up. Amazing.

Then, just to add to the fun, two of my sisters-in-law had their babies this weekend! Bethany had her son on Sunday afternoon, and then Caity had her son early Monday morning. I was so honored - Caity and Joel let me stay so I could take pictures. What a wonderful experience. At this point, I don't think either Bethany and Matt or Caity and Joel have decided on names for their sons, so don't go out and try to adjust your PDF files yet. Helena is going to have a lot of boy cousins, but I'm confident that she can hold her own...she has enough personality, that's for sure! It was cute to see how she loved her new cousin - "Babeee" - she tried to hold him, gave him kisses. But he's a little too small for her to hold - 5 lbs 11 oz. I believe Bethany and Matt's son was in the 8 lb department. It'll be exciting to see them, maybe at the baby's blessing.

So in a week we'll be in a new house. That is really overwhelming. But I'm grateful because everything worked out perfectly. It was really Providential. Then beyond that, the babies were born healthy and their moms are okay, too. Now my sister Andrea just has to have her baby and we can take a little break, at least until June when Camella's comes.

"...Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth." Luke 12:15

Why would I start off an entry like that? Simply because I find myself always comparing, and sometimes coveting. Instead of taking that attitude I think I'd be better off to consider my lucky and blessed situation in life and be grateful. There are some times in my life when I've been overcome by that sense of thankfulness and humility, and it wasn't when we bought a new couch, or our van...although, I admit I did get that feeling at Walt Disney World. Hey, I've never claimed to be completely evolved, after all. It happened when Helena was born, when my grandmother died, when I have been at the temple or studying for my New Testament exam. I happens in nature and when I'm with family. And how true is that scripture! (I am about to refer to my grandmother again, because she is a wonderful woman but also because she's one of the few people to whom I was really close before their death.) When Grandma died, no one considered her home or her bank account. They considered HER. Her life, her service, her faithfulness, and spirit. So WHY do we waste time on developing anything else? As Hugh Nibley says, God has provided us with all that we need to live - room and board. Why spend our life working to get better room and board? Why not get going on the REAL work of life?

Partially this is all brought on by a mild case of S.A.D., partly just a realization that I'm not doing as well as I could be, and I'm causing myself a whole lot of grief comparing myself against others.

In brighter news: My sister-in-law Karalee is pregnant! We're really excited for her and Jacob and hope all is well with them. We're also preparing for the advent of several other babies in the family and we can't wait.

A few things that I am specifically grateful for tonight:

Power, so that we have heat in our home (in spite of a nasty ice/snow/wind storm)
Eyesight, to read and write this blog
Helena, who loves me unconditionally
Dan, who loves me unconditionally and even when I'm this side of the mental institution
Books, to inspire and sometimes escape
Prilosec, to save my esophagus from sure destruction
Our local library, for providing everything I could ever want for free (well, except the fines)
For our neighbors, who give us dinner and make us laugh
For the Savior, for being constantly misunderstood and criticized and taking it in stride

And for all of you, for reading this drivel.

Cheers!

Just a quick one today...

Tonight I accompanied two girls from our ward (well, YW) - Jen and Alysia Wilson - for a song they're performing on Sunday at New Beginnings. And can I just say...I never knew they had such good voices! If my daughter has a voice that good (and I will pray she does) I would get that girl in voice lessons TODAY! I'm going to suggest it. The thing is, they have such a lovely vocal quality, and that's something that I think you have to be born with. Yeah, everyone can IMPROVE theirs, but if you sound like a horse you'll never sound like an angel. The song they sang was really beautiful too, with a creative accompaniment - none of that Janice Kapp Perry three-chord business.

ANYWAY! Dan and I had kind of a nutty Valentine's Day. Good thing we celebrated it Friday, or I would have been seriously disappointed. Both of us were busy - he at work, me at home, and the nursing home, and with an exam. But the RELIEF at having completed that class is wonderful. I think I'll try myself to a nice, warm, BYU sweatshirt by way of congratulations.

In Helena news, she is now able to sing "Twinkle" without words, and slightly out of tune - but she's got the rhythm down! I wonder if she'll be musical? Could she even HELP it around here? My parents didn't force music too much but I always loved it. As a kid - maybe 7,8 years old - I thought I could sing just like Judy Garland. Yep. And, I hummed along with the vacuum cleaner. Try it sometime - try to match the pitch of the vacuum exactly. Just wait till the vibration in your throat is the same as the vibration of the vacuum. I wonder if I wasn't just slightly mental, huh?

"Put all of the blame on VCRs."

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today...I have a new calling as the 2nd counselor in R.S., and while I'm happy and excited and enthusiastic, I haven't had any training or instruction and feel as though I'm on a crash course into this deal. Today our new Enrichment leader was called and sustained, and she asked me what her responsibilities are, and I told her I really had no idea. Nice, huh? However, I do have a handbook and a brain and, just possibly, between the two of us we can figure it out. I am relieved to have the help b/c the new HFPE guidelines actually mean much more organization on the part of the Enrichment "staff."

Ovewhelmedness also stems from trying to wrap up a BYU class (exam on Tuesday), my other calling as choir director, and our recent (very recent) decision to sell our house and try to buy another one nearby. It's heartbreaking, really, because we have some really happy (and also a few sad) memories in our house, and it's a place I love - my House of Dreams. But realisitically we can't live here in Xanadu forever. If we ever do have more kids (and let me just say I'm starting to wonder if that will ever happen!) we will need more space, and we could certainly use it now! The house we're looking to buy is old and classy, in a quiet neighborhood within walking distance of, well, everywhere in town (North Muskegon is small, man) and is almost three times as big as our house now. It will take us a while to furnish the thing if we end up buying it. I am pretty resistant to change, even good change as it turns out, and it will be stressful. Life, I'm learning, just is stressful. But instead of sitting around "being stressed" it's good to get moving and reduce that stress - study for the exam, get the choir business organized, and clean the house and start packing.

Unfortunately, it's after 11pm and I'm exhausted. Too many late nights and no naps to compensate. I have so many "unknowns" running through my head, it would be nice to sleep and dream about, say, Walt Disney World and bougainvillea-scented breezes. Ahhh.

"In my little town, we grew up believing God keeps His eye on us all."

Yesterday we put up Helena's toddler bed. We figured since she was climbing out of her crib a million times a night (and getting all bruised up in the process) we'd just eliminate a couple of feet of trouble. She loves it! It's a big deal for her. Then, tonight she's spending her first night away from us at Ga-Ga's (that's Grandma to the English-speaking world.) I'm sure it's going well b/c Mom hasn't called me. Or it's going horribly but she's just dealing with it.

We went to dinner tonight for a Valentine's Day celebration, then to the mall to check out the clearance sales on coats. Dan and I both bought a new coat for $30 each! What a bargain. We felt like newlyweds.

I did some Tae Bo on Wednesday...I know, try not to make a mental picture. It's too grotesque. Anyway, it worked muscles I didn't even know I possessed. They're still sore in spots, but hey - I'll do it again tomorrow. Just thought I'd give myself a little break before I punish the heck out of my poor, unhealthy body. We can only work on it, right?

Hmm...as I have nothing more to say, I'll stop here. After an extraordinarily mild winter we finally have more snow than I really want. I'm excited for spring!

"We've only just begin to live!"

That word best describes how I feel right now. By the way, kudos to the Styx for an excellent career.

What a crazy 2006 we've had so far! Last week we had two children, instead of one (my niece Emma stayed with us) and it was much better, actually, than I thought it would be (a negative approach can be good sometimes - makes for good surprises). There was only one afternoon that was crazy. The rest of the time I found that it was helpful to have both of them there, because it forced me to be more organized and creative about their care. Not that I neglect Helena usually, just that it made me be more prepared and ready to get them playing and busy. All in all, it was a good experience, and it sounds like Joel and Caity had a nice vacation together.

My next challenge (always something new!) is that I was called to be the Enrichment counselor in Relief Society. No criticism to our bishop, but maybe this was a call involving desperation more than inspiration. I mean, I don't craft. I think that's a basic prerequisite for the 2nd counselor. Oh well - they'll take a warm, reliable body, anyway. I get to continue being the Ward Choir Director too, but I'm done with Activity Days now (it was kind of touching - when they announced my release, I noticed one of my little girls crying. Awww.)

In addition to that, I'm trying to help my friend change the person appointed as his trustee (long story), throw two baby showers, get a temple trip together for this weekend, and organize these new Enrichment activities, while cleaning the house, taking care of Helena, and making dinner. Whew! And I'm getting sicked out just looking at my natty living room carpet - call the Merry Maids, get the vacuum! Also, before the end of the month, I have to take an exam for the New Testament class I'm taking through BYU. If I make it to Feb. 1 it will be a miracle. Plus, both my mom and Dan's mom have a birthday on Feb. 1. Better get moving on that.

So how would I manage if I had, say, 5 kids? Valium? Day care? Vivarin? Jolt? My grandma had 6 kids and took care of both of her parents in their old age. She managed (according to my mom) by staying up till about 1 am. I guess I could go that route, but the difference is Grandma was productive, whereas I'm on the internet blogging. She was an amazing woman, whereas I'm only anointed to become such.

"Everyday I write the book."

A whole New Year, still "fresh, with no mistakes in it!" as Anne Shirley would say. It's always nice, naturally, to have a fresh start and take the opportunity to review your life and consider your future. Of course, your future can't be determined entirely by yourself, but it's largely what we make of it.

We sent 2005 out with a bang here in N.M. Joel and Caity had all of Dan and Joel's family here - 28 people in all - for a big reunion. It was wonderful! We hadn't all been together like that ever before. Not as married couples, and certainly not with all those fabulous kids! We ate a big dinner, played with the kids, opened gifts, took lots of pictures, and even put up a "confessional" in Joel and Caity's room where each couple talked to the videocamera about the last year and their upcoming goals. I hope we can all do it again sometime.

Something about being with so much family - it's sort of an existential thing, isn't it? It makes me think, because we're all sealed together, and I know that past generations have done many of the same things we have - have children, do reunions, take pictures, work at our jobs, do our callings, etc. And when each person comes to the end of his or her life, the one thing that they consider is FAMILY. Not work or money or hobbies or even charitable work, but family. I was with my grandmother when she passed away, and although she wasn't conscious, I was - very conscious of my responsibility to honor her by living the principles that she taught me. It was the most powerful moment of my life up to that time and it remains one of the most influential ones.

And so I'd like to take just a paragraph and honor my family. Particularly my immediate one. To begin with, I have a husband who really took a risk in marrying me, and with all my faults, I love him so much. Partly it's because he's so amazingly forgiving, but also for his innumerable good qualities, and the best one of all - he's committed unflinchingly to the gospel and to his family. Can't ask for more than that. And then, as a sort of "icing on the cake" move on Heavenly Father's part, he blessed us with a perfectly beautiful, healthy, loving, funny, intelligent daughter. She's a challenge and a ham and, always, a blessing. Someday, maybe we'll have more children to fill up our quiver, who will help us grow in other ways and give us new opportunities to serve (and make us laugh some more).

"I'll build a boat, steady and true, as soon as it's done...I'm going to sail along in a dream with my Dear Someone."