Life Has Never Gone The Way I Want It To Go

this pain i feel... its always there.. like a deep and huge open wound in my heart...
everyone thinks im strong.. but honestly speaking.. im very weak.. its just i dont usually show what i feel inside out.. i wear this mask of a smile.. to push everyone away..
Does anyone actually know what i'm thinking at all? i highly doubt it.. no one knows me.. sigh..

Things i've come to realize recently..
i can never be a good son.
i can never be a good brother.
i can never be a good friend.
i can never be someone which you will love although how much i hope and dream to be.
i'm not fit to love anyone
i'm not fit to be loved by anyone
i'm a coward
i'm useless
i bring sadness to people

maybe i shouldnt be alive anymore.. maybe i should just disappear.. maybe the world would be a better place without me..

haiz... life really sucks