So the Bug is home and rocking a bilirubin level of 11 that didn't change at all last night! She has another blood draw tomorrow, but we're hoping it will stay down and we can stay away from the hospital until she breaks a toe sledding or some such happy ailment.

Today the Bug is home and I can't help but think of the journey that brought us here:
June 2004 - breastfeeding much less but no period. Dr's tell me it's stress.
November 2004 - periods return but very light. We start trying for #2
March 2005 - ob-gyn says my very, very light periods are normal. I don't believe her.
May 2005 - we switch from HMO to PPO, I seek 2 second opinions
August 2005 - 1st surgery confirms Asherman's Syndrome and Endo
Sept 2005 - second look, no return of scarring
Oct, Nov 2005 - try again, luteal phase max of 10 days now.
Dec, Jan, Feb 2005-2006 - Clomid cycles, all BFN's
April, May, June 2006 - IUI's - all BFN's
August-Sept 2006 - IVF. BFN.
Nov 2006 - move to DC
Dec 2006 - find a great new RE after 2 others say "no hope," turns out he trained them. He finds flaws in past cycles and says he can get me pregnant.
Jan 2007 - waiting to start cycle find out we got pregnant on our own!
March 2007 - miscarriage at 10 weeks after heartbeat found late and slow at 9 weeks.
March-May 2007 - break, trying to decide what to do. Start going to adoption seminars.
August 2007 - BFP on our own again!
Oct 2007 - 12 week sono all normal. All tests coming back normal. Throwing up like crazy.
Nov 2007 - 18 week sono, shortened servix found. A week later it's a cm shorter. Bedrest assigned.
Dec 2007 - cervix gets very short (1.6 cm), but 2 days later is longer again (2.0).
Feb 2007 - bedrest alleviated after 28 weeks. Nothing terrible happens. I go back to work. I'm huge and uncomfortable.
March 2007 -she's born at 36 weeks. We think we might lose her, don't, then spend a terrible week visiting her in the NICU watching her try to fight bilirubin because my blood type (O) has made antibodies to hers (A). While I was freaking out over accidentally taking a bite of lunch meat, my blood was giving her the whatfor in utero.
March 29th 2007 - happiness. Please let it last.

Wow, what a misnomer of a title. Our days are mostly spent in the fluorescent lighting of the NICU.
Lately the Bug has responded well to the triple light therapy for jaundice, and is getting close to ok levels. The problem is that last time she did well they took her off the lights and the bilirubin bounced right back up. So I'd prefer to keep her lit up for a while just to make sure the jaundice is on the run.

The jaundice makes her lethargic which affects eating. She eats less and eating and pooping and peeing clear out the toxins, so that's a problem. She also started having trouble breathing while eating again when her bilirubin when up again.

In news about me I miss her so much when I'm not there that I can barely stand it. On the other hand, when I'm there I'm a nervous wreck watching the stupid monitors. My dogs have proven themselves to be worthy therapists. They somehow know when I'm sad and come over. If I cry they lick my face. Both of my dogs are rescues and one appears to have had babies. I wonder if she just gets it.

Here's the power of blogs. When I'm in the NICU feeling the click-click and zoom of the roller coaster ride, I think of Flotsom. When I'm sobbing while I wash dishes I think of The Liminal Universe and so on. Not that it's exactly the same, but I don't know many people IRL for whom it's so close.

Thanks all you bloggers.

So the Bug made her appearance rather unexpectedly on Friday March 21st at 10 PM. More details to follow when I start breathing again. After a difficult delivery she didn't look too good and the doctors prepared us for the worst - which didn't happen. Thank god. Thank god. Thank god.

She had a lot of bruising, which is going away. Then she had jaundice, also going away. Now she sometimes holds her breath while feeding. Apparently this last thing is quite normal but it is completely terrifying and, take it from me, if it's your long longed-for baby, watching it happen will spark a 2 hour crying jag.

I'm home, she's still in the NICU and will probably be coming home soon (maybe as early as tomorrow). She's perfect. She's beautiful. I'm terrified all the time. I am so glad for the blogosphere that prepared me, as much as is possible, for life in the NICU.

What a week it's been. Just to kill the suspense - I have not gone into labor (although I thought I was at one point) yet.

First, just as the Bean and I were getting over a nasty flu I took her back to school on Monday. She was ecstatic. She has been dying all year to be calendar helper but was pigeon-holed as flag helper time after time. And not only did she break into the glamorous world of counting down the days, she was also Star of the Week. This is a special week for each kid in her class when parents bring in pictures and teachers make a special poster all about them. There is probably more, but the poster is the big draw for the Bean.

On Tuesday I got a call that the school had a major lice infestation and that The Bean was one of the afflicted. I showed up a few minutes later and sure enough... bugs. Oh the humanity. My husband got off work and set his OCD into motion, picking every single bug and nit from her head in 4 short hours, and treating with medicated shampoo and Cetaphil. We spent all night doing this and laundering. But wait, there's more.

I was afflicted too. Yes, in this pregnancy I have had a mulititude of illnesses and I can now add one of the 7 plagues to that score. After 2 days of matted Cetaphil soap hair, I am no longer buggy but I am also completely exhausted. Personally I love having my hair combed and played with, and I'm always begging Mr. Kim to do so. This struck me as an extreme version of the adage that you should be careful what you wish for. We spent many an hour with him combing and picking through me hair - finally! - and it was dreadful, gross and one of the most un-sexy moments of our relationship.

And when I get exhausted I get contractions. I'm not sure why, I haven't read about this particular cause on any reputable website and yet it seems to be the case. So last night I got no sleep. Today after work I came home and took a 2 hour nap which has helped a lot.

What an ingrate I am. When I started having all these contractions I thought only how disappointed I'd be to have gone all this way and not make it to full term. In the beginning we were literally talking life or death and now I'm quibbling over a few weeks (yes, I'm a mere 2 weeks from full term). And yet, full term is... you know full term. So next week promises to be slower and the next one is spring break, and I'm resolved to take it easier and try to make it to 37 weeks.

Now - every ob I talk to tells me I can't *do* anything to start or prevent labor at this point, so it's purely magical thinking. But sometimes magical thinking is all we have. Besides, maybe it will just make me more comfortable.

It's been a low-blog week here. All 3 of us came down with the flu - luckily Mr. Kim got a very mild fever-free version and my mother-in-law was visiting and could help (lucky for us, not so much for her since she got to step into a swirling vortex of germs for a week).

The Bean and I have been spiking fevers, sneezing, and enjoying that feeling of accomplishment that a productive cough brings with it.

And of course there are the completely normal but mounting discomforts of late pregnancy which delivered the knock-out punch to any amount of sleep I was getting.

Luckily it hasn't affected my mood at all. It has heightened my senses though. For instance, I noticed last night how deafeningly loud the microwave popcorn bag is when Mr. Kim scrounges around in it for the biggest possible handful that he can progressively stuff into his mouth (bite, chew, shove a little more, bite, chew, shove...). I've been handing out handy tips based on my heightened senses, but like so many geniuses, I'm constantly misunderstood.

No labor yet, no signs of labor, but I am 34 weeks today! That was the big, big, finish line way back at 19 weeks when it all began. I'm now only 3 weeks to full term and officially handled by the regular ob - no perinatologist although I have one more appointment to check on the baby.

Kim

I've been exhausted lately after going back to work so I've been coming home and reading blogs rather than writing mine. I was also feeling particularly uninspired until I read this post
on Her Very Own. There are a lot of things about coming off bedrest that are fabulous and obvious. The baby(ies) is/are safe, you can get up and do what you'd been dying to do... and you often have no energy or money to do so - especially if you were on unpaid medical leave for your entire lounge act. Oh man, I so should have called my blog Lounge Act! Damn!

Anyway, I thought I'd take a moment to count and recognize my lucky stars and talk about this topic. I could so go all political right now because it sucks that we even have to worry about this and I imagine some mothers have to choose between having a place to live and food to eat and their babies' lives. We were lucky enough to have significant financial help from our parents during this time. Some of it's a loan because none of us has struck it rich with a line of hip hop oven mitts or some such genius creation yet. But, of course, it didn't stop there. They sent maternity clothes as I grew out of size after size, came and helped take care of the Bean and me, called on boring days... we are so lucky.

Here's the scary thing - I don't know what we would have done without all that because my union screwed me.

My union has what's called a sick leave bank in lieu of offering short term medical disability coverage. Everyone puts in a bit and then you can withdraw in a time of need. Any time. Except the first year. Nope, if anything happens to you that first year, you are screwed my friend. And that was me. What is so magical about that first year that one shouldn't be covered? Isn't the whole point that something like this happens any time, without warning? I plan to do what I do best to help shed light on this problem... complain. Luckily my union is not the cement loafers kind - it's an educational union so I'm more likely to end up having to write "I will not have a high risk pregnancy my first year after moving to a new state" a thousand times.

So, here's the shout-out to the IF community. If you live in the US and you are undergoing IF treatment that may put you at risk for multiple or a high risk pregnancy, please check your short term disability coverage and consider getting some on your own, saving up money, or making some sort of plan (I've known of people who moved back in with their parents)... just in case.

Whether or not you've done this, please consider giving a little something at Boulder's online shower for Akeeyu. Because for most of us Lounge Acts (Double damn!), the thought never occurred to us. We never thought past a positive beta or POAS test. I mean, what kind of person going through IF goes out and plans to lay out cash each month for something that might never happen? And who has the cash left over after treatment anyway?