Breeder Beware

Because I got a negative. Which I was expecting. This was a very easy month, I have no idea why I was not my usual beyond excited super hopeful self but I am enjoying the break.

I have been super evil and short tempered though. And tired. Probably because I need a week long nap after another jolly retail Christmas. So I am gonna get ready for work and then go to my party. Have two beers and most likely chips. Mmmmmmm chips.

If I am lucky AF will hold off till the 5th or 6th so I have the opportunity to start The Drugs.

Hahahahahahahahahahhahahahha
snort.

whheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze.

hahahahahahhahahahahahha
LOL ROFLMAO

I am testing. hee hee. In other news I will be burning ten dollar bills and leaving all the lights on and faucets running so as to waste as much money as possible. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket while I am at it?

Because honestly, it is New Years Eve and while I don't want to get drunk- I would not say no to one or two.

Academically, if I was pg (I kill me)would it even matter at that stage of development? I don't remember.

I don't feel pregnant. I am not even a teeny tiny bit hopeful. I just want a guilt free beer. I would be super pissed if I drank water all night only to get AF on New Years Day.

When you cry watching Princess Diaries 2?

Which is the equivalent of asking myself Zen koans.

If uterus A began metformin on October 24th and blood tests confirmed CD 14 on the 12th of November then October 30 was CD 1. Right?

If Uterus A then had a new cycle begin November 30th and today is CD 29 does it follow that the "new" cycle length courtesy of metformin would indicate the new CD 1 due New Years Eve?

Sadly, there is no uterus B. If only..."hey! You! Bring in the auxiliary reproductive tract. This one is headed to the dump!"

So what do we think? Not enough data? This month was unmonitored but I had EWCM on December 18th. Which was ten days ago. So it could be 10DPO, right? Not right?

Prior to this I had crazy 70 day cycles.

I suppose I could just wait and see but the idea that my cycle might be becoming regular is too intriguing to ignore. At least for me, owner of the uterus in question.

If this is true, I am gonna probably have full on AF for the NYE party which will be a giant sausage fest. Great. Nothing like cramps o' plenty and Guitar Hero marathons. Sigh.

Well, we'll see what is what soon. I can't believe it's CD 29 already. I think last month was a 28 day cycle. I am not peeing on a damn thing till New Years Eve. I am not even opening up a porthole to hope. She can wait on the porch. Crazy Hope- you go toy with someone else. I am not drinking the kool-aid this time.

Remind me of this in three days.

On the plus side I got on the scale (fearfully) this morning. I was pretty sure I had to have gained after Christmas and my day of laying on the couch eating. Eating what?

3 chocolate santas
1 marshmallow santa
2 cookies
2 home made granola bars
1 piece of string cheese
1 piece of toast with butter
2 pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam
oatmeal with banana and peanut butter
an enchilada
coffee

Way more candy than I would ever normally allow myself.

Naughty naughty. Hardly any fruit or vegetables.

I am so sad today. Miserable and cranky. Surly. Possibly because Mr.Mostly is watching what might be the Worst T V ever. Two hours of the quest to reach absolute zero and then I Am Legend. For effs sake.

This must be PMS because I could smack someone and then cry. Or cry and then smack someone.

I am headed to Kohls later to return some of the shirts he got. That's gonna improve my mood.
On the other hand I have regained the tv and am now watching something pleasant. I really do not care for upsetting shows. I really avoid angry or unpleasant shows. Like that SVU stuff NO. Or any movie about yearning/crying/dying/fighting.

Life is sad enough already. I want something cheering or distracting- I almost exclusively watch the BBC/PBS or Discovery/A&E Channels. Sometimes WE tv. I might watch a Lifetime movie but only if it is dated and cheesy enough for me to laugh at.

It was Returns Day at work. I only had one screaming lunatic. God Bless Her, when I told her no, and then my boss told her no- she went to my trainee and asked them. My trainee happens to be a man, so clearly he was the boss. Which made my day, it was so funny. She of course, had a fully functioning reproductive system. WTF Universe?

Y'all will not believe this, but Mr.Mostly and I had recreational time together today. I know, I was surprised too. Sex for the fun of it? I can't remember the last time that happened. Well, I guess if the Phillies can win the World Series, anything can happen.

AF started on November 30th last month so I am expecting her soon. I have not even thought about testing. I suppose if she has not showed up by the 31st I will test. But I am not obsessed with testing this month. For the first month in years. I guess just more evidence that I am resigned to it not happening. Usually I am counting down the days and test way too early and then test twice a day every day or two till AF arrives.

Yow. Just like everyone over the age of 10, I am soo happy to be home in my nice, quiet house with Mr.Mostly and my cats.

We had a very nice Christmas. Except for Mom playing her tiny violin. But I don't want to think about that. We got a lovely blue comforter set with blue striped accent pillows. I got a digital food scale, a blue cashmere turtleneck, a new knife, a magazine subscription, Angel perfume, a hand made blanket from my stepmother covered in frolicking kitties. Yes, yes I AM one of "those" cat people. My sister gave me a bound book she made of our trip to the spa. It's great except for the two pictures in there that make me look a little too much like Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movie.

Strangely, for the first time in my life I received ...no books. Which is like telling Homer Simpson "no beer".

Everyone loved their presents, or at least acted like they did. We were a little terrified in my Dad's driveway/ice rink. We almost slept over to avoid having to back out.

I did pretty good on my diet, considering what I might have eaten. I did eat brie, blue cheese and had a glass of wine. Showing my absolute belief that we did not get pregnant this month. I normally will not touch anything even remotely questionable.

I got some well intentioned but poorly informed advice to go see my ob/gyn to see if they could give me an ovulation kit. Which did not make me mad. It didn't even make me sad.

Now that I'm home, I'll get back to commenting tomorrow.

is that I am too damn busy to think about being infertile. Of course I am too busy to eat a full meal or pee.... but all in all a nice break. Nothing like frantic shoppers demanding every second of my attention. Wish I could get that all the time.

You know, this is the first gift giving time(birthdays, Christmas Fathers Day, etc)that I did not leave gifts to the very last second because I refused to believe I needed to buy them. It's the first time I truly did not delude myself into thinking everyone would be getting "World's Best Auntie/Grandpa/Uncle" shirts.

Every year for the past three years I have dreamed of pictures frames with ultrasounds and due dates. MnM's that say "Guess What" or "We're Pregnant". Teeny tiny bibs. Wee socks. It's the only gift I've wanted to give or receive for so very long.

I don't know what it says about me that I no longer have that dream. Is it good that I am being realistic? Is it sad that my brain has finally been beaten into something like acceptance? I don't know. But this year I made my list and bought everything on it. No waiting or hoping or thinking that maybe we would have the perfect gift that everyone wants and comes from no store.

Here's hoping for next Christmas, for all of us.

Oooooh I was frustrated with Mr. Mostly. I wanted to spend the money I had saved with careful shopping on bigger presents for our parents. That is why I saved them till last. He wanted to save it. I think it's Christmas money. Money already earmarked for Christmas. I am peeved that he is not letting me use it. I am soo underbudget.

$400 for 16 people. $25 each but we can spend less in one area to go up in another.
MIL book $16 was 40% off
FIL EGC 40.
BIL dvd boxed set 35 was 25% off
SIL makeup was FREE w/Ulta black Friday purchase
BIL book $20, 40% off
BIL book $20 , 40% off
SIL slippers/pedicure set $14 , $ 10 off Ulta sale
BIl game- $15 40% off
Neice- $25 was 30% off
3 Nephews, toys $40 on sale at Kohls
Dad digital picture frame $45 on sale 40% off
Step Mom book $20, was 40% off
Sister- Ulta haul $20 at black Friday sale.
Mom $40 on sale, 60% off at Kohls large jewelry box.
Also everyone gets 4 kinds of fudge totaling one pound.

So we spent 344 dollars for 694(or thereabouts) of presents saving almost 350 dollars. Which I think is very good. Our biggest score was Ulta payng 36 total for $194 retail .Fifty six dollars under my initial budget. The candy came out of my grocery budget.

I am still mad at Mr. Mostly for not letting me use my entire budget, plus he also agreed I could use any extra hours in my paycheck. Which he moved into the downpayment account. He has lost his damn mind with this house.

He is picking up wrapping paper right now. We are making maple nut fudge tonight.

In five days Christmas will be behind me. I am beyond tired. Someone chew my portion controlled, low fat, high protein dinner and then tuck me in with my stuffed Eeyore.

So if this is the lamest post ever, it's because my brain = velveeta. I love my job but I will be super happy to kiss this crazy week goodbye. `

Nothing is going on in ovary land. Either I ovulated or I didn't. Either we got pregnant this month or we didn't. I am too pooped to care today.

I am sure I'll care in a week or two when I am testing everyday. The only thing that happened today is that I ignored another pregnant woman who needed help. I don't care. Someone else can wait on Fertile Fanny. And someone else did. Which is good because I was not in the mood.

The nutritionist was quite pleased with me. Which I was very happy about. Because I have been following the diet very closely(what raspberry mocha latte?)95% of the time. But I have not ridden Orlando in a month. Mostly it was denial. I was so sure I got pregnant last month and I did not want to do anything that would get me too hot.

Which is totally irrational. Because this month is the 34th month. If I had gotten pregnant the first time we tried we would have a two year old. That is the kind of math that could make you crazy.

So the nutritionist said I am doing great and am losing a little over a pound a week. She said by March I will be at a great weight to have a baby. MARCH????? What about January and February dammit?

I do. Our entire budget is designed around affording infertility and then having a nice family life. I mentioned to the receptionist at the RE's today that after January we will have to pay 20 bucks per office visit instead of ten. Which is still better than Aetna( they were awful )which was 30 dollars a visit. So then I said to her that our out of network thingy was going from 300 to 600 per person. Then I said not counting office co-pays or prescriptions( or three years of pre-natals or the majilliion sonograms from my miscarriage or the 2 years of obgyn visits before this and all that testing) we had spent about 700 dollars so far at the RE's. Also not counting the relaxation cds, the organic food and cleaners etc etc. We told her it was great, because the bills we were seeing put us at at least 15 grand in medical tests in the just last 3 months. Maybe there are more bills I've forgotten about? I would have kept better records if I had known how long this would take.

And I think,if we did not have these benefits or if we could not pay these fees- we would have almost no chance at a baby.

The receptionist who is usually very pleasant and chatty did not want to talk about that with me. Maybe they are supposed to pretend I am just a friendly visitor who they like to probe vaginally and take body fluids from? And that I just like to leave money behind when I leave?

It is not like they are getting us pregnant our of the goodness of their heart. It's a service we are buying from them. Which is so strange to me. So many people just get pregnant by accident or with no effort. But we are trying and trying (and trying) and paying and paying and paying and so is everyone else in the IF community.


I don't know that I have a point with all this. Just that I feel like we are buying something most people never have to think of as a commodity.

Do you ever think about this?

Mr.Mostly would kill me but last night was so funny. I had a cold,and an upset stomach. Like I wasn't gonna throw up right away but maybe later? It's because work was so horribly terribly busy. A nightmare. TWO people called out sick. It screwed us all. Anyhow, I was exhausted and had a giant raspberry mocha latte(approx 1,259,830,000,000 calories and 5,678,933,929,292 grams of fat. And a chocolate bar. In the foolish hope I would wake up and stay up to have sex.

So after taking up the butt at work for hours I came home. All I wanted to do was sleep. It was about 1:30 in the morning. All I could think was I had what I thought was ovulation pain the day before and EWCM midday. What if we had missed it and my egg had already dissolved? What if we missed another month? I knew we HAD to do it.

It was hysterical. Mr.Mostly said we should have filmed it- which was even funnier because we were both delirious with exhaustion. All I wanted to do was sleep and the cats kept jumping on the bed. I asked if he was too tired,and he said no we really had to do it. Nothing says romance like " guess we have to do it".

I won't go into graphic detail, but basically we laughed all the way through it about how we both just wanted to go to sleep and were chatting about our day.

"How was dinner?"

"Ok- I loved the bacon."

"Work was awful."

"Yeah- Christmas sucks."

I think it is a good thing our marriage is so strong because if it was passion keeping us together we would be in BIG TROUBLE. Because the only thing we felt passionate about was the intense and burning need for sleep.

I just can't help praying we can avoid injections and drugs(well more drugs)with an infertility "Hail Mary Pass" getting pregnant weeks before the RE gives us our new plan. The tiny,forlorn hope that when we conceive we will be alone and not in a doctors office.

Insult to injury- I go to the nutritionist today. NO SCALE noooooooooooooooooooooo

I found it I found it! Undeniable EWCM!

I am not in any kind of condition or mood for sex. My nose is clogged, my throat is scratchy. My head hurts. I am exhausted and smell like Vicks Vaporub. In a word SEXY.

I told Mr.Mostly that we ARE getting it on later. I have no idea how, but somehow. Maybe a latte at 11 p.m.

Here's hoping. Amanda, it looks like we are gonna ride the roller coaster together.

I have a cold. However, it is just a tiny cold. Just enough for guilt-free lounging while I read my richness of books. I have my long awaited ARC(Advance Readers Copy) for Silent on the Moors. It's available in stores in March and is the third in a series of fantastic, splendidly well written mysteries. I am STOKED people. It's by Deanna Raybourn and her blog is on my sidebar. I am telling you that she is as fine a writer as exists today. I put her up there with my favorites like Alcott. Yes,yes she is that good. Detailed, well researched, absorbing, gripping, delicious. Delicious like a fine piece of chocolate or a rich glass of red wine.

The second I found on the shelf yesterday. I cannot believe it sneaked onto the shelf right underneath my nose. It's the Lilydale series, and oddly enough also the third in the series. Oh people I am not going to think even once about infertility for the next day. I am going to have a book orgy.

I'm home from my blood work and eating. I was dying to stop at Dunkin DoNuts for a coffee and an egg and cheese on a bagel and a doughnut and a muffin. Or WaWA for a ginormous sandwich and Doritos and a TastyKake.

Somehow I stopped myself. I am home eating half a low fat ham sandwich on whole wheat with low fat mayo and a glass of seltzer. But what I really want are Fritos and cheesy bean dip and then a brownie. Someday. Someday when we are done trying to get pregnant I am just going to have a carb orgy.

Nothing going on in ovary news. My body seems to be refusing to co-operate. WTF body? If I can't have Fritos then I had damn well better ovulate, because if I can't ovulate then I WANT SOME DAMN FRITOS.

Maybe because the alternative is to clean my house. URG. I forgot that tomorrow is my repeat of the glucose challenge. I think I just have to do a two hour and not three hour test. That means blood draws aplenty and I need to drink about eight more glasses of water today. Sigh. And no food after 6:15. Wah.

Worst,is how much tomorrow will suck. I gave my boss my doctors appointments weeks ago. She did not schedule me right so now I have to get up at 6 be at the doctors by 8 and then work from 4 till midnight. Then get up at 8 to be at work by 10. Come on. I am pretty mad. If she had done her job right I would have been scheduled 11 to 7 or 12 to eight. Now I have to get up at the crack, drive 2 hours round trip and stay up for 19 hours. Not thrilled. I am willing to bet she screwed up my schedule for the rest of the week too.

What is the point of me being responsible and giving her weeks and weeks of notice if she drops the ball? Good grief.

I popped over to Bella and her Fella(right, I told you guys I can't link.) Her post made me wonder, what have you bought for the baby you don't have yet?

I admit years ago I saw a friends stash and thought she was a lunatic. Now I'm the lunatic, are you one too?

I have an Optimus Prime Mr Potato Head. Mr. Mostly loves the Transformers. He has so many, and posters and comic books blah blah. It was too perfect. Optimus lives in our closet next to.....

A limited edition Coach baby bag. It is pink. It was 500.00, which is outrageous. Here is what happened, a former friends sister was having a baby. They were arguing with me that the baby bag had to match the sex of the baby. Why? The baby isn't carrying it. Why can't you have the one you like? This was when we had been TTC for almost a year. We had not yet had our m/c. Mr. Mostly and I were shopping and I fell in love with that bag.

He brought it to the counter and I said " We can't get that what if we never have a baby?" Mr. Mostly kissed me and said we would, no matter if if was through birth or adoption and it that was the bag I liked then I would have it.

So he bought it, a crazy unnecessary purchase or the sweetest thing ever? I thought it was sweet,and it did make me feel very special and hopeful.

In another closet we have a boxed set of board books with real art in them called Mini Masters by Julie Merberg. They are my favorite shower gift. I think I have bought this four times now.

That is it, just the three things.

What have you bought?

I lost a day somewhere, Today is CD 16,not yesterday. However no EWCM,so even though we did the deed at the supposedly right time according to last month I have .000001% hope.

Today is a bill paying errand running grocery store going day. Still no word on if the homeowner liked our offer. We'll see. We'd like that house but we can always find something else.(Hopefully with no next door lawn ornamentapalooza. Though I will admit to always wanting a gnome for my yard.

So nothing doing in ovary land. COME ON OVARIES PULL YOUR DAMN WEIGHT AROUND HERE! If I can regiment my diet (ohhhh Fritos I miss you so)and take a gabillion pills and get intimate with a camera on a stick you can make one measly egg.

Again you will find me in the bathroom checking my CM every hour.

I don't think it is going to happen for us this month. Unlike last month when I had EWCM and I could feel my ovary doing it's thing(yaaaaay righty!)I have no pain,twinges/what have you or EWCM. Maybe something will happen in the next day or two but I am not putting money on it. Did I really think my problems were over after my magically perfect cycle? No/kinda. I thought maybe the metformin had at least fixed my O problem.

I guess we'll have to wait and see. If you need me,I'll be the lunatic checking my CM in the bathroom every hour.

Meh. Not jolly.

We looked at two homes today. The second one was totally crazy and had the steepest steps I've ever climbed. I told Mr.Mostly I could never be pregnant in that house. No way. It was so steep that to climb down the stairs I had to lower myself and there were railings on each side. It was crazy.

The first house we looked at was one that looked awful online. Really awful.

The street is really narrow, which sucks for parking. The front has an ok yard that is shared with the people on either side of us. The neighbors all seem to take fairly good care of their home. The people on the right concern me a little, because they had a GIANT statue of St. Francis in the center and maybe 15 other lawn things and then a whole lot of toys. Which makes me think a whole lot of kids. It looks a little..schlumpy.
But the kitchen had solid wood cabinets, and there is a nice bedroom with a full and handicap accessible bathroom for Mom. There is a separate entrance there with a ramp to the street.

The negative is that the tiny backyard is completely FILLED with ramp. There is no yard. There is only ramp. AND our neighbor behind us is a car dealership. So the view is a highway view with a big old sign. Nice. Or not nice.

The basement is not finished but has high ceilings and a separate entrance. It is strangely set up, so that if we finish it, the room will have an odd shape.

The kitchen is small but well set up with old but good quality appliances. I think the cabinets are nice enough that we could just paint them white so they aren't so dark. Yuck- dark.

The dining room is ok,the living room is a nice size and there are three bedrooms upstairs. One is tiny tiny tiny and I covet it for my own room. A tiny girly room with a squishy chair. Or a nursery. Riiiiiiiiiight.

The bathroom upstairs needs a new door because it has an accordian door and there is no way I can go to the bathroom and preserve any personal modesty.

But it is in great condition, and needs very little done to it. So,we'll see if the seller is interested in our number.

All righty, I am not so good with the linky linky. However,I will do my best with the rest of Tag A Roo. The rules are:
1. Link to the person who tagged you. 2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

I can not make with the Linky Linky. I have tried and tried and given up. I am not spending any more time trying to figure it out.Soooo Wise Guy tsgged me from her blog Woman Anyone.

Fact 1. I love mayo so much that I have had four different kinds in the house at one time.

Fact 2. I hate parties. I actually hate crowds,crowds defined by me as being more than three people at one time or more than 5 family members. That is why I LOVE the internets. So anyone out there thinking everyone secretly loves a party and to be fussed over...no you are wrong and actually I kinda hate you afterward.

Fact 3. I love my cat so much that I don't sleep well without him. I can sleep just fine without Mr.Mostly though.

Fact 4. I have the black thumb of death and most plants die after a month with me.

Fact 5. I have a degree in culinary arts that I don't use.

Fact 7. This tag thing reminds me of chain letters, so I am not passing it on or doing another.

I still heart Wise Guy though.

Well I am going to try and keep this post happy, even though my heart is heavy now for someone I have come to think of as a friend.

Mr. Mostly called me at work today and he got his bonus and it is almost twice as big as we hoped in our wildest hopes. And it is all going to our down payment. We thought for sure we were going to have to break our retirement bank open for the down payment. So that is splendid. We will have to pay taxes on it, but still it is exactly what we needed exactly when we needed it. I could only describe this chain of events as providential.

Of course, the houses we are going to look at are not as adorable as the house we looked at last week. Not even close- but none of them have the ceiling falling into the bathroom, either. They are serviceable and ugly. No offense to people who live in row homes, but I hate how flat they all look. And I hate concrete backyards. And I don't really enjoy being squished between neighbors. And I am really afraid of fire spreading in row homes.

However, I like mortgage payments that leave money left over for food and movies and fun, in neighborhoods we can walk in safely. So most likely a row home will be ours.

We are telling ourselves that a row home will feel just fine after living in an apartment. At least we won't have people under us or on top of us. And my Dad's townhouse never felt claustrophobic. Maybe if I put a hedge in the backyard it will feel different. I think all the pavement is upsetting me.

After all, we can always move again. (nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo)

I think I am leaning to the one with the amazing kitchen and the heinous backyard. As opposed to the pleasant backyard and heinous kitchen.

In ovary news, NOTHING. No EWCM to be found. Maybe tomorrow? I wish. Damn, I do wish.

You know the part of your mind that is still a five year old that believes in happy endings? My inner five year old keeps piping up that surely all these things happening perfectly mean that finally, truly, we will have a baby. A baby to eat applesauce in our new kitchen and play with toys in the sunny living room, to push in a stroller around the lovely lake near our new neighborhood. A cuddly, smiling baby coming at a perfect time to a nice family ready home in a safe neighborhood.

Man, I don't want to be the one to tell her the truth.

Well, we are pre-approved for a very nice amount! We still have not heard about Mr.Mostly's bonus yet. Saturday we are going to look at more houses. I have to work forever today. Gross. 11 a.m. til 10 p.m. At least my paycheck will be pretty.

In ovary news, no EWCM yet. We are faithfully doing the deed though. I would really have much rather slept this morning. And that is why Mr.Mostly does not read my blog, cause he does not need to know that I phoned it in today. At least I have tonight off.

In other news everybody go to my sidebar and follow the link to Bird and Squirrel- wish her good luck and keep her in your prayers for a happy and healthy nine months! I am so so so excited for her!

In shopping news, Borders is having a kick ass sale, you need to bring the coupon and if you do dvds are buy one get one half off. Who cares? Well... if they are both on sale, you get the lower priced one half off and still get the sale price for the other. Which is unheard of. It works on boxed sets too. I bought Wall E for Mr.Mostly and the new Batman movie. Dark Knight was 19.99 (from 29.99) and Wall E was 14.99 (from 29.99) saving me 24 dollars and keeping each dvd well within by 25.00 per person limit. I think the sale runs through tomorrow?

I have spent five hours today doing nothing but marking time. I waited for my phone to ring with Mr.Mostly's news of either mortgagy goodness(yay!also yikes!)or badness(gotta stay in this craphole 6 more months. When the phone did not ring I called him during lunch on the zero odds that we would have gotten NEWS and he might have forgotten to call me.

Then I waited for email. Something from the realtor? No. Something from Mortgage Guy? No. Something from Mr.Mostly instead of a phone call? Again, BFN. I did some cleaning but really just spent the majority of the day listening for the phone.

Not to use the "h"word, but hopefully tomorrow will be more fruitful.

Another day of waiting. Wait wait wait. Eff waiting in the ear, I want action!

Currently we are waiting to see if Mr.Mostly gets his bonus. His company has had a huge bonus for employees every year for the past 40 years. We are not counting on it, but we could use it for quite a few things. We have not yet decided what we might use it for , but are considering either paying off my car early/other parts of our debt snowball, using it for a bigger down payment, or saving it for future home repairs. We might find out as soon as today.

We are waiting to see if we can get a mortgage for the house we looked at this past weekend. The house meant for babies and laughing and barbecues and snowmen and trick or treating. Of course, it is also a house that needs 20,000 dollars worth of work and so it all depends on the mortgage we can get. Infertility and Mom put a major dent in our down payment plans. We might find out that as soon as today, and that would help decide where a bonus would be spent.

We are waiting as always to ovulate. I don't temp, I don't think it is accurate for me since I work shift work so could not temp at the same time every day, I just watch for EWCM.

Failing ovulation and magically getting pregnant naturally(everyone join me in bitter laughter) we are waiting for our next major appointment which is the first week of January. Then our RE will lay it down for us and tell us if I have improved from my metformin and new diet. We will most likely hear more about IUI then also. I hope Mr.Mostly gets another semen analysis to see if the vitamins have had any affect at all.

You know you are on a strict diet when your idea of a naughty naughty gotta have it treat is organic toast with soy butter.

Forgive me nutritionist, I have sinned. And it was toasty buttery delicious. mmmmmm carbs. mmmmmmm.

How can it possibly be CD 11 already? I am on the alert for signs of The Big O, but none yet. Come on ovaries! Lets get crackin! Ba dum dum- that was the worst egg joke ever.

I have no idea if I will ovulate or not, last month could have been some fluke. Not much going on today. My brake light turned off, so maybe it was the severe cold yesterday? Dunno, but Mr. Mostly can't check till tomorrow morning. I guess we are just waiting.

Jeez I am lame today. Well, I can't be an entertaining font of bitter infertility humor every day. This month is almost.... dare I think it? Relaxing. No Wand of Badness, no blood draws for a whole week, no running back and forth at the crack of dawn. I could get used to this.

SOMEONE had an entire pound of bacon and some scrambled eggs for dinner last night. Which led to SOMEONE laying on the bed saying "ohhh too much bacon" and then falling asleep breathing bacony breath at me. We'll try again tonight. I did ask SOMEONE if they possibly wished they had eaten less bacon, but SOMEONE had no regret. Fine. I called him my little piggy and oinked at him.

Sigh. Brad and Angelina we are not. However here I am at CD 10 and I am about to go on EWCM patrol.

As far as our budget, I am kicking butt at the grocery store. At Acme I spent 46 dollars and saved over 50. I have 100 dollars a week for groceries and am at 80 for this week. I'll probably use the whole thing though, because I think we will need more milk and coffee. Now that I only make a half pot our coffee goes much farther. I realized I was pouring ten dollars a week down the drain because we never drink the whole pot. I have tried to drink cheaper coffee, but it just makes me sad. Dunkin DoNuts is the only coffee I like. Except for Lacas(fantastic Jersey diner coffee for readers not lucky enough to know the awesomeness of diner coffee), but you have to order that online. Our gas budget is doing fantastic too, because we budgeted 200 dollars a month for gas and so far have only used 48. I think we might be able to cut our gas budget in half, maybe till April when prices are supposed to rise again.

In BAD budget news, my brake light came on last night. My brakes seem fine though. Maybe the wire is funky? I had that happen with a car before where everything was fine but the light would come on. We have our emergency fund to fix it. I looked in the manual and it just said the brake light coming on meant that the brakes were not working- but my brakes ARE working. WTF brakes? Are you just screwing with me because of Christmas? Scott is going to look under the hood tonight.

With the Christmas budget, things are going well. I picked up my mother in laws present yesterday, a copy of Wesley the Owl. She loves owls, and this book is charming. So she is done, unless I find something else like an ornament. In sad Christmas budget news, I have two people crossed off the list because they asked not to exchange this year. They can't afford it. We are still buying presents for their children though and making them candy. While that is sad, Mr.Mostly wants to put that money we allocated to them back into our debt snowball and I want to spread it out for more presents for other people.

We are going back to Borders tonight to buy some more presents. I treated myself to a non fat sugar free vanilla latte. Delicious, just like a toasted marshmallow, you would never know it was almost guilt free! I also got a new planner, because I just needed more room to track all my doctors appointments. I have eighty more dollars allocated to spend at Borders, 30 of that is going to be online. So we have fifty for tonight, Christmas cards and maybe two toys and a DVD is what we are going to pick up.

Sheesh it is 11 already!

Happy Sunday. Or as I think of it "Day of Tedious Office Work I don't Have Enough Time To Complete So I'll Work Through Lunch AGAIN"

Yesterday was tiring but lots of fun. It was my sister's birthday. I should have slept over my sister's house, I was way too tired to drive home. That was a mistake, but I did not have any extra pills with me so I could not decide what was worse. Sleep over and screw up my pills or drive home on the edge of exhaustion. I made it, but probably it would have been smarter to stay over.

Nothing going on in ovary land. We looked at a house yesterday that is in a perfect family neighborhood. It has everything we could want, a lovely yard(there is a swing set left there from the last family)a perfect nursery sigh. We'll see.

I got my haircut. I was running late because I spent so much time doing laundry. So when I got to the salon I said I did not care who cut it, or how- just as long as they could get me done by 4:45 p.m. so I could get to work. I was done by 4:24 p.m. It is adorable, but it is also clearly a "Rachael". LOL, maybe my ovaries went back in time too. Hear that ovaries! You are now..... 23! OMG I will be pregnant in like two seconds! I should check and see if my butt magically returned to the '97 model.

AF is practically gone. I have the house all pulled apart. I need to do a bunch of errands today, Including get my hair cut. It looks like someone took a wig and tossed it at my head like they were playing horseshoes and just left it like it fell.

Soooo, today in preparation for feeling pretty so we can get cracking on this months baby making I am cutting and coloring my hair. I am cleaning the house. I am grocery shopping. Not that grocery shopping and baby making go together, but that is still on my list today. I don't start work till 5 pm today and OMG I forgot I have to make more fudge. YIKES!

Also I would like to report that I have lost two or three pounds. This dumb diet is working! Only sixty more pounds to go. Yow. Usually I like to do weight announcements in 5 pound increments but, since I lost twenty and then gained back seven(WTF body?)and then got back to my twenty and now have shed one or two more, putting me at 22 or 23 pounds lost total, I am just writing it down so I feel like I am getting somewhere. I can't decide if it is two or three because the scale says something different when I lean different ways.

I give up, I cannot make anything link. I suck. Anyway,I was trying fruitlessly to say I got it at To Baby and Beyond. And I absolutely CANNOT make this work.

http://tobabyandbeyond.blogspot.com/ Y'all are just gonna have to copy and paste.

I am just trying to post this code. I'll fill in what I did tonight.

OK, I have no idea whose blog I was reading when I found this. I thought it was a nice idea. Who was it? I know it was a blog I really like but didn't put in my sidebar yet. HA! Found it! It's

Something I did on my own without a child that I am proud of was buy a condo. I worked my butt off and had my own homey house. I could never have worked the hours necessary to buy a home on my own if I had a child. Later, Mr.Mostly and I used the money from it's sale to buy all new furniture and pay cash for our wedding and pay off my student loan debt.

Something else I was able to do that I do not think I could have done with a child is take a month of my life to spend with my grandma when she had her first go round with cancer. I stayed with her and cleaned and cooked and in general just hung out. I think a child would have been so demanding of my time and emotional energy and I was able to just pick up and go. It was a time I will always treasure and my only regret is that I did not stay longer.

I would like to say that something I love about my life now, is that I can slop around in my pajamas and spend my whole day off reading. I frequently do just that. I know that is going to be the one thing I miss when we finally do have children. The luxury of spending the day on the couch with a book.

No uterus news today. We are gearing up for the big month You Know What.

OMG I am going crazy trying to get this link to work. Try #3.

I am not handling this protein thing well at all. I am handling some parts of the diet just fine. Like, breakfast- no problem. I eat one pack of organic instant oatmeal with a cup of milk and some kind of organic fruit and a spoonful of organic (blah blah I eat organic whenever I can afford it)peanut butter and one cup of coffee. I have a salad and two fruits with half a sandwich meeting the protein and calorie lunch requirement. I have my allowed pudding cup snack.

I am crapping out at dinner every damn day. I hate trying to figure out how I am going to trick/force myself to eat protein in the 3 oz/21 grams formula.

So far the only way I can trick myself is with chicken quesadillas. I can eat them without thining about it. I had one for lunch. For dinner I made ground turkey soft tacos. Mr. Mostly said they were delicious. I could not get past the texture. He ate two and then he finished mine. Meat is just gagtastic. Repugnant. Icky.

I am trying to force myself but there has to be another way. Mr. Mostly said the nutritionist has to find another way.

I just could not get the font to change. ARGH. Grog not work internets too good. Anyway, I suppose our whole worry is that we hit worst cast scenario and have to go IVF. The maddening thing is that you don't know what will work. So we might never make it past IUI. Or we could get pregnant naturally this month. (Excuse me while I ROFLMAO) If that happens great, but if not then the great big budget crisis is here and we will have to do the best we can like everyone else.


I wonder what it is like to have infertility and have money be no object? I do feel that in some ways IF is the great equalizer because we are all one in our desire for a baby. But in other ways it draws a drastic and blatant line between the haves and have nots.


What we are crossing our fingers about is Mr.Mostly's bonus. Which had the economy not fallen into the toilet, would have been huge for us. So we are waiting to see what it will be. If he gets what we are hoping for I might be able to begin including acupuncture.

We have our monthly budget all set up Dave Ramsey style. Hooray! All our extra money is going toward two medical bills. It is not gonna be pretty squeezing out Christmas, but we can do it. My sister is up in arms. "How can you spend only 400.00 on Christmas?"

Sometimes I think I obsess about money. But I feel that it can never be too far from your thoughts when you are infertile. Because honestly, sometimes money is the difference between getting the baby you are dreaming of and well, not. It's the difference between levels of treatment, what doctor you see, and how often how many children you have.

This is an excerpt of the emails my sister and I were sending yesterday. We'll see how I do copy and pasting and editing out names and email addresses. I've never tried this before. It might not work.


> what are you giving mom for xmas? how are you going to stick to a 400 budget?
>


Well, we did well at Ulta, getting 196 dollars worth of stuff for 36
> dollars. Plus, we have 40%off day at EDIT coming. I have 100
> dollars to spend there. So that is really like having 140 dollars.
> Mr. Mostly thinks if we shop carefully we can get about 1,000 dollars
> worth of stuff for 400.
>
> It's no fun, but if we have to use injectible medications they can
> run about 400 bucks a month.(I think? It's hard to tell what is and is not covered by our insurance. I know it can cost 1,000s) So we have to save our money in case
> that happens.
>
> Any money we have left at the end of our budgeted month can also be
> spent. So since I have a 400 dollar a month grocery budget, if I
> spend 300 this month I could have that too. I have a 50 dollar a
> month co-pay budget so since I have three appointments this month
> and not one a week like last month, etc etc.
>
> I think it is hardest because I love shopping for you. But I
> know what everyone wants most of all is a baby, and our money is
> better spent saving for that.
>
> So I will shop carefully and hopefully we can have a jolly and cheap
> Christmas.
>
> I don't know what I will get for Mom. Since she is the most
> materialistic, I will probably buy her gift last when I know other
> people are done. Mr. Mostly's sister is done, edit is done, edit is
> done. We are getting his Mom a book.
> ----- Original Message ----


you guys can ride my train and put your names on things i have for
> mom. that's very cool about ulta. good savings! sticking to a budget
> is a good thing. i'm working on my budget while i'm at lunch. i've
> got a good deal of my shopping done. we'll always have a jolly
> christmas because we'll be together. i'm torn between the not
> spending too much and mom might not live to next christmas scenario.
> i promised myself i wouldnt' stop her from spending what she wanted
> this year but she's not making it easy for me. she wanted to buy EDIT
> boots that were almost three hundred dollars. i think i finally
> talked her out of it.
>
> i would only say don't buy something because just for the cheap factor.
>
> i love shopping for my edited the best!!!! we can pull our resources
> too for people too. i can't wait to go xmas shopping on wednesday-
> it'll be fabo!!!
>
> i'm still waiting to buy a carseat. you know what else you can do-
> MR. Mostly can upload family pictures to the shutterfly.com website and
> make things with photos. that's what i'm doing too. they are nice
> gifts, not over the top expensive, and people get kicks out of the
> pictures that i use. i made mom a note pad with a picture of daisy on it.
>


Now I can't get the darn font to look right, it still looks like e-mail type. How annoying. Maybe I can figure it out later. Anyhow, my sister who is darling in many respects likes to remind me how much she wants to buy a carseat for me to fill. sigh.

Nothing much going on in ovaryland. Hopefully AF will only be here two more days and then we can go ahead with our Month Of Intimacy. I must be really old because our Month Of Sleep sounds better.

You know something happened on Thanksgiving that I cannot let go. We were at Mr.Mostly's aunts house and it was festival of babies, just like every party with that part of the family. I swear when they gather, there is a babies r us totally empty somewhere.

I always know it will be chock full o' babies. I try to prepare myself and Mr.Mostly knows if I can't take it we will leave early. It's not like they got together before I got there and said "I KNOW! Lets really make her miserable by bringing our kids to family parties!" I mean, I know that I am bringing this sadness with me.

Anyhow I was sitting next to Mr.Mostly when what could only have been the most pregnant woman in New Jersey came into the room. They had a two year old also, and she was telling everyone how she was dilated and almost ready to go. Then they all had a nice laugh about how she would have spoiled Thanksgiving by giving birth. Then she walked (I'm sorry she did not waddle, she had no weight gain I could see except for the "baby bump" and sat down on her husbands lap.

I was not saying anything. I was looking very closely at my fingernails and trying not to cry. Because then instead of being Celia That Can't Have A Baby I would be Celia That Cries At Parties. The same way some people are Ted That Can't Keep A Job, or Kim That Cheated On Her Husband.

Then she said to my husbands cousin "Isn't this the best thing in the world? Isn't it just like I always told you. The best thing in the world!"

So basically I was in some kind of infertile hell. I just kept thinking it would have to stop soon and couldn't someone talk about taxes or the recession or football? But no, it was all a giant baby love fest.

So I escaped that room after a polite interval and looked at the Black Friday ads. Then when it was time for us to go, the couple walked up to us. He introduced himself( I am telling you, Mr. Mostly's family is huge) and then his wife and then he introduced me to his wife's stomach/baby. You know maybe I am a jerk but all I could think was there is no way I was greeting a body part. Anyway it was awful. It was awful, right? It wasn't my imagination?

I do feel better now. It has been bothering me for days. I can still see her and I don't want to. I want to forget her and block out her cheerful "It's the BEST thing in the world!"

CD 2 and nothing is going on in ovary land. However I did get kickass news at work yesterday. New Jersey has passed a law that effective this July family leave is paid for. Yee ha! I'll be getting more information sometime this week.

Since today is the first of December we start our Total Money Makeover today. We are so excited! The Money Makeover is a key component of baby making now that we don't know how long it will take or how much it will cost to get pregnant. Not to mention saving for adoption.

Ugh I am exhausted. I think I slept twelve hours. AF is here hardcore. Mr.Mostly and I are choosing to be excited because this was my first normal cycle of a normal length since maybe 2000 when I was on the pill. I wonder if it is just the metformin?

So here's to new beginnings and thirty third chances.

Since I work in retail this is my busiest time of the year. Tomorrow is festival of office chores, and good luck to me. I foresee working through another lunch. Or maybe trying to figure out why my toner isn't there yet. Usually saying "leave me alone or I can't process payroll" works well. But it's not foolproof.

Anyhow, despite this, this month Mr. Mostly and I have committed to marital relations every other day no matter how tired we are or what else we have to do. (Breeders, if you are wondering why our sex life is so lame-it's because we have been doing it on a schedule for almost three years now-it's gets old Ok?)

This month I think was our worst month ever, we were tired, we were busy, we were working opposite schedules. I had a stiff neck for days . We did it when we had to and that was it. Soooo I figured we had better pay attention to this. I know for me, a large part of it is that I feel unconnected to my sexuality when I have so much monitoring.

Special time with The Wand Of Badness just sucks the sex drive right out of me. I realized having so many people in and around my lady parts just makes me feel...meh, disinterested, asexual, disassociated from my own body. Making chit chat with the nice lady that works The Wand Of Badness, makes me want to go home and take a shower. Not go home and........ And I don't care, but I should care so off we go.


I know in a lot of reading I have done people say that by the time you get to an RE your sex life is in the toilet. I would have to agree.

Poor Mr. Mostly, would die a hundred mortified deaths if I used his real name here, Mr. Never Picks Up His Socks. Good thing for Nom de Blogs.

I was really tempted to take the stick and throw it as hard and as far as I could.

They shouldn't sell pregnancy tests called Answer. I want to buy one called Any Answer You Want.

So I spent from 7 am till almost ten in bed moping/cuddling/staring at the wall. Then on with life. We watched Enchanted which cheers me up every time. No one can stay depressed watching Enchanted. Then Mr. Mostly sang to me. I love when he does that. it's so sweet and he does it so rarely.

Well the drive down to his parents was spiced by the three fights we had. Mr. Mostly pretty much hates all holidays including birthdays. I am pretty anti-holiday myself, but he is another level entirely. The whole thing makes him crabby and fighty. Our middle fight(the first was really just a warm up) was about how we have another meeting with the RE in a few weeks.

Mr.Mostly thinks we are going from Step B to Step D. He said now that I am ovulating we should just try timed intercourse and see what happens. So I reminded him that I might just have happened to ovulate and there was no guarantee for next month. Then I reminded him about his morphology. Which did not go over well. I wondered when he was going to admit that it bothered him that he was not perfectly fertile. I have had a looooooong time to get used to the idea and it still bothers Me, I knew it had to bother him at least a little.

It was a pretty tense drive even though we both knew that we were being difficult. We did not really resolve anything. Our day did improve and we had a nice time at his parents. Then we had a nice time at his aunts. Now we are slumped on the couch with the cats.

I did just ask him about it and he said he is ok and was just trying to wrap his mind around everything. It is overwhelming sometimes. As long as only one of us is crazy at a time it will be fine.

Of course I tested today. How could I resist? Of course it was BFN. I will test tomorrow on the designated day but at least I have steeled myself with days of BFN.

As far as symptoms, well I have been queasy of and on. I have also been ummm well gassy. which has made it hard to hold to my vow of Never Doing That in front of Mr. Mostly. Which I never am.

However, all symptoms can logically be traced back to metformin or hypoglycemia. Well enough of that, that was pretty damn depressing.

We made five pounds of chocolate and chocolate walnut fudge this morning. It's cooling in the microwave- to keep it safe from inquisitive and hairy kitties. Nothing says YUMM like furry fudge, so it cools in the microwave.

We leave for my inlaws at 1. They live in the middle of the woods down a 1000 foot unpaved driveway. I always expect Robin Hood to cross our path or some enormous deer. It is very private and rustic.

I wish I knew for sure that I was or was not pregnant, because I know a glass or three of wine improves all family time.

Dear Jesus,
I promise to help with the dishes and not mock football and not think mean thoughts about dry turkey if only you will keep everyone from asking me about babies.

love,

celia

Not a heck of a lot going on in 2WW land. Unless you count my BFN this morning. Of course I had to check. I am testing tomorrow too, and unless there is a Thanksgiving miracle(what? I know right, that would be so cliche. A black Friday miracle sounds better. lol)

I made an enormous batch of bean soup and today I am making more butternut squash soup. Also, fudge. Yes ladies, fudge. Chocolate and Chocolate Walnut since my poll was evenly split. That is going to the in laws and my sisters. None is staying here at Casa de Grasa. Mr. Mostly is pretty sad about it, but I am not tormenting myself by keeping candy in the house.

My queasiness is gone, hopefully to return. COME BACK FEELINGS OF UPCHUCKINESS! YOU ARE WELCOME HERE.

You know what I am wondering and since this is ICLW time, does anyone have thoughts on our odds of getting pregnant naturally with Mr.Mostly's 4% morphology. I did not spend as much time researching it as I did everything else. Our RE acted like it was no big deal and said we could do IUI. I have read in the past couple of days some bad things though. Like that 4% puts Mr.Mostly right on the edge of The Worst.

I need to find more information.

Happy Thanksgiving. I am most thankful for Mr. Mostly, and my friends and most of my family, and my darling precious cats and of course Cigna and Mr. Mostly's job for providing Cigna.

Either I am coming down with something or maybe maybe I have myself a genuine symptom.

Because I did not skip any snacks today, and I have been queasy on and off all day since 9 a.m.

Then I got home and smelled Mr. Mostly's dinner and was starving, but took a bite and was queasy.

I am choosing to be cautiously less pessimistic. No way to know for sure till Friday. Though I will probably try again in the morning anyway. Oh Hope, you have snared me again. Be gentle.

Yuck, gross, I was five again and all that was needed to complete the picture was my father standing over me saying "stop looking at your food and eat it" Daddy made up a new food rule just for me when I was younger called Don't Look At Your Food. Because I hate veins and tendons and cartilage.

So I poked and scraped and picked and forced myself to eat the chicken and rice. Mr. Mostly told me I am just going to have to cover up and hide the meat so I can trick myself. So I guess tomorrow is quesadillas again.

I was going to try hamburger but I am pretty sure that is not happening now.


So, I did indeed POAS tonight and got my usual BFN. I am going to try again tomorrow morning. Then I am going to call myself a naughty girl and test for real on Friday. Then I am probably going to break my diet and have a bagel. With butter. And cream cheese.



I am including this last bit because it simply must come out. Mr. Mostly is watching his current favorite show. Heros. I would rather watch grass grow, or listen to my Mother talk about why winter in New Jersey is horrible and why can't she go back to Florida(you must imagine this with a Long Island accent). I would almost rather go to a baby shower.

You may ask yourself, why not leave the room? Well, I have tried that and since our apartment is basically made out of paste and gummy bears, I can still hear Heros.

p.s. It is crap. "ohhh waaaahhhhh you stole my abilities." Please Oh Mighty Lords of Neilsen Ratings please send Heros to some island and hopefully they will cannibalize each other. Of course, then there will still be Doctor Who, but one step at a time.

I will say it is a small improvement on the two years he spent watching Law and Order SVU, but it is a long way from last years happy time spent with House.

Say, if I am this crabby I am pretty sure that means I know who is coming to visit in a few days.

We opened up all our medical bills to date yesterday. And it's not terrible. It's even manageable. We decided to do Dave Ramsey's money makeover. We have very little debt, but we are pretty nervous about the current economy. We were also concerned that our goal of the last five years, me being a stay at home Mom, was in jeopardy. Because as anyone with a pulse knows, everything has gotten more expensive at a scary rate.

We just want to be certain that we can afford the lifestyle we want once we finally have a baby. So in with the serious budget. A very serious budget. It still feels fun though, because we can see where we will be in 6 months. We actually realized we can pay off Mr Mostly's car in half the time we thought it would take. So this way, in the future my working one day a week will be a choice.

So at least we feel prepared in case the other shoe does drop.

Generally I do want to keep this blog about infertility, but Sunday is a day I mostly think about work.

It's the day I do payroll and office chores and leave notes like"hey, if you don't use the time clock it's kinda hard to pay you." Or I count toilet paper, you know the glamorous chores.

I do know that I am still completely without symptoms. Nothing that cannot be explained away by my hypoglycemia. A headache is from low blood sugar-nausea is from low blood sugar-etc etc etc. I would LOVE a symptom to obsess over, but sadly none are to be found. I have no leg to stand on there because I forgot to eat my two snacks today.

I just keep reminding myself that we had a perfect trifecta of intercourse, ovulation and a nice lining.

We have just as much chance as anyone else this month. (shhhh about Mr. Mostly's morphology- we just need one) So I will wait, and think about chance and hope for five more days. For five more days I am as close to normal as I'll ever be-waiting.

For the first time since 1990. I told Mr. Mostly Darling that if we ever Do have a baby they had better appreciate that I have given up EVERYTHING for them. I know, we have all given up things, but it was hard to change something so basic to my life and my self. I just could not figure out how to stay on the diet and eat the right amount of protein.

It was scary. I had a chicken cheese quesadilla- rationalizing that if I could not see the chicken it would not bother me as much. Then I told myself "This is fake chicken. This is not real."

Mr. Mostly was just staring at me. He is a committed carnivore and just was looking at me eating the chicken like"WOW she really has gone round the bend."

Oddly enough, it has been so long since I ate real meat that I could not really tell much difference from the fake. So I am just going to man up and eat some damn chicken and be healthy so we can have as healthy a baby and Mommy as possible.

Do not get me wrong, I have read and read for years and years that you can be a vegetarian and have a healthy baby and pregnancy. I still think that is true, for most people. But for my fat, hypoglycemic ass- it is not working.

I guess it is true that everyone has their price. And I am not willing to stay a vegetarian if it costs me a healthy baby.

Basically, either we are going to pay these specialists for their opinions and advice and then follow them, or we are not. And I choose to follow the advice.

This is the sample menu she gave me. I also got a book of exchange lists for diabetes even though I don't have diabetes.

1300-1400 calories per day

breakfast carbs menu idea oatmeal with raisins and peanut butter
1 starch 15 gm 1/2 cup cooked oatmeal
1 fruit 15 gm 2 tblsp raisins
1 milk 15 gm 1/2 cup skim milk in oatmeal, drink 1/2 cup
1 oz protein 1 tblsp peanut butter mixed in after cooking
2 servings fat from peanut butter

snack pudding cup

lunch carbs menu idea 1/2 sandwich/chips/fruit/veggies
2 starches 30gm 1 pc whole wheat bread/10/15 baked tortilla chips/salsa(free)
1 fruit 15 gm small orange
1 non starchy veg carrot and celery sticks
3 oz protein 3 oz. tuna in water(no more than one can per week)
or egg salad 21 grams protein 150 calories

dinner carbs menu idea balance of meat/starch/veggies/fat
2 starches 30 gm 1/2 cup corn and 1/2 cup peas OR 1 cup pasta/rice
1 fruit 15 gm 1 1/4 cup strawberries or 1 apple
2 servings non starchy veg garden salad and 1/2 cup cooked broccoli/dressing (free list)
3 oz. protein 3 oz. lean meat/chicken or fish (size of deck of cards)
21 gm protein 150 calories
2 servings fat 1 tsp olive oil/2 tblsp light salad dressing

snack idea carbs snack idea #1 snack idea #2
1 starch/1 fruit 15 gm 1/2 cup bran flakes(ick) small apple
1 milk 15 gm 1 yogurt low fat pudding

carbs from non starchy vegetables not included

1. calorie level
2. protein at every meal
3. avoid bars(Lara bars, Odwalla Bars etc)
4. Limit nuts to 5 each per day.
5. bike 15 minutes daily- which is fine with me because the RE wanted me to bike for an hour each day.

UGH. portion control UGH

Come on, call back I am dancing around let's go come on call back I am dancing around come on- sorry that's about where my brain is right now. I don't envision being super productive at work today.

Even though they have all my numbers I left my home, cell and work numbers. Come on call back LETS GO!

They just called my level is 11.2, which she said is fine and I don't need to take anything. Just to wait a week and test.

Dear Jesus,

I know you don't make deals but how bout just this once?

love,

me.

I absolutely,positively, really really ovulated. And we did the deed at the right time. LET THE OBSESSING BEGIN. I have zero symptoms, unless you want to count peeing every half hour, which I do not because they have me drinking ten glasses of water a day. So sadly, zilch.

I am officially allowed to test next Friday. I could probably start a pool on how long I make it or how many tests I take Friday morning. I think two. Ever since my fun false positive month and the month when my test was defective but then I was out of FMU , I like two tests.

I will probably go big and buy CBE. Big spender, but I know how berserko I get looking at lines, I want words.

I have to call later for my P4, I asked what time to call and they said two so I have another half hour of lunacy. I know the P4 is not an indicator of pregnancy, but at least it will let me know if I have enough progesterone to sustain an embryo.

I also met with the dietitian, and she said as far as she can tell it is not that I am eating unhealthily- it's that I am eating too much healthy(edited oops)food. So I have all this stuff to read and God help me. I went grocery shopping and was just wandering around in a circle.

I am a little concerned that I will not be able to eat the amount of protein she wants, with my vegetarian diet. I was comparing grams of protein to ounces of food and it looks pretty grim.

However, I am willing if less than thrilled to go back to meat temporarily if that is what I have to do. I have been a vegetarian almost twenty years. I looked and looked and I will look some more but so far if she wants me to have 21 grams of protein in 3 ounces of food- well I could not find anything.

22 more minutes.

I went in to our 2nd bedroom today(you know what that is Breeders, you call it a nursery) to find our cat Princess Fiona (Nona Bear except at times like this) walked right past the litter and tinkled on the bed.

Ironically I have mattress covers for this bed but since Mom is at my sisters right now they are not on the bed. I also have washable pads on there, but lucky me Fiona did not GO there.

On the plus side I have plenty of experience dealing with urine, but I was not really planning on turning out that room today. I have already done 5 loads of wash and felt like that was enough. Nope, 2 more loads now. Plus I get to clean the mattress. We normally use this super fancy litter, Dr. Elsey's because Fiona has been finicky her whole life. Dr. Elsey's is the only brand she likes. I have NO idea why someone thought she would like a new litter, well that's not true. I know why, because we went to my sister's and he liked the brand she was using so he thought he would try it. Great Idea! NOT.

Why mess with it? We tried all kinds of litter boxes and litter and different mats to find the combination that suited her very particular taste. Yes, I think we bought something like five different mats looking for one she liked. She is very well behaved otherwise, just very particular. Pish, she is now curled up on the couch like she never did it. I am off to PetSmart for some Dr. Elsey's

Someone was trying out a new brand of litter, and it did not meet with Fiona's approval. Someone is at work while I deal with urinepalooza.

Someone has some 'splainin to do.

My RE's office called me back this morning and both my appointments are tomorrow. I finally scheduled something that made sense. 9 am ultrasound and 10 am nutritionist. Duh.

As far as the Great Reckoning, we were laying on the couch stuffed full of homade tuna casserole and Mr. Mostly had his feet up, about to indulge in his nightly ritual of insisting he is Not Falling Asleep. He looked totally relaxed. I knew he had forgotten our plans.

I did debate pretending I forgot too, but I knew I was too nervous to do that. So I told him I was not relaxed and reminded him of our envelopes of doom.

He told me he did not want me to open them, and that he was going to deal with it himself on Sunday. He told me he knew I was the full time worrier and that he wanted me calm. Then he said he wasn't worried. He said if we can't pay them now in full then by next month we will know exactly how much is in his Christmas bonus and we can finish paying them then. The bonus is supposed to be a major chunk of our house down payment.

So I have put off worrying. Kinda. Sorta? Ugh.

Ho-made tuna casserole

Put a pot of water on to boil for your noodles of choice, I use whatever I have around and I use half a package. This way the noodles cook while you are making everything else.

Finely dice a large onion. What kind? Who cares? I use whatever.

Sweat the onion in a blend of oil and butter. Butter tastes great, but burns easily so I use oil with it. While the onion is cooking, finely(finely people don't be lazy about this part) dice two stalks (or three whatev) of celery and add to the onion. If this stuff gets too dry add a half a cup of water or more you don't want it to burn. You could add stock I suppose, but honestly I am way too slackass to use stock in tuna casserole. You know? Hellooo it's casserole. I can cook fancy, but Mr. Mostly would complain. Talk about a waste of a degree.

Finely(when you think you are done, keep going) dice some mushrooms, I use about 2/3 of a packet or two-ish cups, or two enormous handfulls. Add the mushrooms to the onion and celery. Your noodles should be done by now, drain them and put them to the side.

Put some pepper on your vegetables, if you are a lover of The Salt, add some salt. Keep in mind though, cheese and crunchy topping is coming.

After the vegetables are cooked down and soft and nice and starting to smell like dinner, sprinkle some flour on there. How much? Well, some. You want enough that the fat is absorbed. Because you are basically making a very thick white sauce now. After you have added the flour, add milk. You want the consistency to be similar to condensed soup. Looser is ok, because the pasta will absorb some of the sauce. Not too loose though, because then you will have soup and not casserole.

Now, add the noodles and two cans of drained tuna. What kind of tuna? If you are asking all these kinds of questions, my recipes are not for you babydoll. You need to get a cookbook. I recommend Mark Bittman's How To Cook Everything. My recipes are for people who have a comfortable relationship with their stove.

Ok, so then add maybe a cup of shredded cheddar, and two huge spoonfuls(like a half a cup) of sour cream and maybe a half cup /quarter cup of mayo. You can omit the mayo but we will never truly be friends.

If you HAPPEN to have some parsley laying around you can chop it up and toss it in, but this is only if it would be going into the garbage other wise. I would never actually bother to buy herbs for this recipe.

Just no garlic, trust me.

Ok, put this in a greased casserole dish. Sprinkle some more cheese and either crushed potato chips, bread crumbs, or those onion things you put on green bean casserole and bake about a half hour at 350. I have tried all three and we prefer the onion things.

I used to make tuna casserole using cream of crap soup either the mushroom or the celery. Sometimes I just feel like cooking 1950's style. Like meatloaf and mashed potatoes. I make a kick ass meatloaf. I am a vegetarian, but Mr. Mostly is not so sometimes I cook The Meat for him. Anyway I was at my favorite store, Trader Joes.

Then I realized TJ's does not carry cream of crap. Then I realized I was an idiot. I mean, I can figure it out without cream of crap, right? Duh. So I made my own cream of crap and it is far more delicious and healthy. And honestly, not too much more work. Plus, since I chopped everything into teeeny bits Mr. I HATE MUSHROOMS , ate and loved mushrooms. Five years of mushroomless food and now I know, he just hates to SEE mushrooms.

Now, a word about diet and health. It does not matter what kind of oil you use, I use grape seed oil and soy butter. I use organic blah blah. It does not matter. I use either whole wheat pasta or that Omega 3 enriched pasta. You can use super white super processed noodles, it does NOT matter. If you have no dietary restrictions good for you, use real butter. I have not tried soy cheese in this but I think it would be ok, I use low fat sour cream and low fat milk, you could use whole.

Like I said before if you need every detail spelled out, you need to learn to cook first before you will understand how to wing it.

I am telling you Mr. Mostly will knock you over to get to this. It is hard core comfort food.

I feel like I am on my way to the electric chair. Mother of PEARL, we got one yesterday that we missed somehow, for 300 dollars. Hello? If we ever get pregnant our kid is going to have to go nekkid and play with paper towel tubes. I have to go cook dinner now, but I am very very nervous about sorting through everything.

I thought we had 100% coverage, but to paraphrase The Princess Bride, I do not think that meant what I thought it meant. Because if we have 100% coverage, where is the 300 dollars coming from? Ugh. We are getting mail from Cigna every day.

I read our policy through twice before I started this, and called them three times at least and talked to Walgreens. Maybe I will ask Santa for some Xanax this year. See? I am soooo stalling because cooking dinner means we have to eat dinner which means dinner will be over and then WE ARE GOING TO BOTH FAINT AND LAY ON THE FLOOR WITH CALCULATORS CLUTCHED IN OUR HANDS AND LITTLE STRANDS OF DROOL TRAILING DOWN OUR CHINS.

I meet with the nutritionist tomorrow at ten and then Friday I have another ultrasound and blood draw. sigh. You know we were joking that when our kids ask us how they are going to pay for college we are going to show them all the bills we acquired just getting them here. They better start studying in utero.

Go ahead, call me irrational. Or foolish. Or addicted. I might as well just say I believe in magic and not science. Cause I peed on a stick this morning. I had to. You know you would have too.

At least my addiction is legal. Go ahead, tell me I would have been better off buying a lottery ticket. I know, right? A test wouldn't even be accurate yet, but there it is. True story. At least they were from Big Lots and not a CBE.

Next thing I am going to be putting out a plate of milk and cookies for Santa and getting up in the morning expecting to find A bottle of Fresh Sugar Lychee.
That right there is some deelicious perfume.

I am just pooped and my house is a wreck, but I am sitting on my butt watching the BBC anyway.

Mostly I feel like it has been days and days and well, weeks since my last blood test and I want another. Because I am dumb, and cannot help but nurture a forlorn hope that maybe it DID work this month. Why I think this month would be different than the past 32 months I don't know.

But there it is, stupid hope sitting next to me. I picture a fat and poorly coordinated cheerleader in smudged and lopsided glasses. "We can do it yes we can! If the right ovary can't do it the left one can!" Sigh. All the good imaginary cheerleaders left me a long time ago to stand in a corner and talk smack about me, wondering if I am ever going to pull through with a win and could they break their contract and go cheer for some 24 year old with low BMI.

Oh man. We just got home from my nephew's birthday party. JJ turned four. Why do I say yes to this stuff? We could have gone yesterday or tomorrow. It was torture. Pregnant women, tiny babies, crawling babies, toddling babies. Everywhere I turned. I spent most of the time staring into my water and wishing it was vodka.

I love my nephew, he is cute,smart, well mannered, dimpled and a Big fan of Darth Vader. I do want to see him for his birthday, but I was an idiot to think I could get through his party.

It was so hard. I felt numb and sad at the same time. I gave a lot of babies the cold shoulder when they smiled at me. Especially a charming little man with the cutest baby afro. He wanted to play ball and I just could not. He smiled, I looked at the wall. I just knew if I played with him I would cry. I let Mr. Mostly play instead. His mother probably thought I was a total bitch.

We only stayed about three hours, the house was still really full when we left. I wish I could be normal. I wish it did not make me die a little inside to be around these people.

Can't wait for Thanksgiving.

My cousin is getting married to a lovely girl today. Mr. Mostly and I are not there. As you know, we had to have the post coital screen yesterday. Then, we decided to do it as much as possible just in case. But because of the test and not knowing what else might come up today, we are missing my cousins wedding. Which is in about 4 hours.

I am resting and hopefully implanting while laying on the couch. Since Mr.Mostly had already taken off work for the wedding he went in to his new part time job to start early. We were supposed to go up yesterday.

I could not think of a lie big enough to cover missing a wedding and also withstand the scrutiny of Mom. Because it will be noticeable that only 50% of her daughters are there.

But I could not miss the test. I hardly ever ovulate, a natural ovulation that the doctor could use instead of forcing my body to ovulate- it is not even a question really. We had to stay home.

So I could have called yesterday but I could not think what to say. I put it off. My sister and I conspired this morning trying to come up with something. I was tempted to just lay it out there, but I chickened out.

As far as sacrifice, I am laying on the couch while Mr. Mostly is out working his first day at his second job. Just a few months ago I was celebrating how well we were doing financially but now we are both afraid of our potential medical bills.

I feel lazy and guilty.

No. No I could not. No one is more tired than me, and if you don't agree, kiss mah grits cause I am tard. T. A. R. D.

After getting up yesterday at 5 to be at the RE's by 7 and then working till midnight I set my alarm for 5:30 and Mr. Mostly and I proceeded to make sweet, sweet love. LOL. No, all I remember is desperately wanting to go back to sleep, and a tiny part of my brain trying to figure out if Mr. Mostly could just finish without me.

Mr. Mostly also told me that no matter what if we get pregnant he he ...........he



he wants me to give up coffee.

Coffee, baby. Baby, coffee. It should be easy, right? RIGHT?

So my very nice doctor took my swab and looked under the microscope. She showed me. There was only one sperm under the microscope. And it was not going anywhere. It was wiggling it's little tail to beat the band, but staying put. So I looked at my doctor and I said "IUI, right"

She said probably. She did also say that hopefully all the sperm had already gone up to meet the egg, but maybe that was just to make me feel better? ALL three of Mr. Mostly's sperm checks showed excellent counts, even if he did have poor morphology. So, I am hoping that the fact that we kept my hips elevated for 15 minutes afterward, and that they had four hours to head for the tubes.

She said it was still possible to get pregnant. I have to go back Friday for more blood work and another ultrasound.

In good news, my thyroid is at a normal level, and while she said that I would be on this pill forever, it would be ok to keep trying. Which is confusing because I know the RE said hold off three months, but she looked at all my notes and it says nothing about waiting. Soooooo, back on the horse I guess.

Well the post coital test is scheduled for tomorrow morning. ICK. The fabulous thing is OVULATION!!! The scary thing- we have to do it with no birth control. Scary because in the bajillion to one odds that we conceive(excuse me while I laugh bitterly) what the hell does that mean in regards to my thyroid problem?

I asked the nurse and maybe she did not understand my problem? Maybe I did not understand my problem? I have been on the thyroid medicine exactly three weeks today. I am feeling a little, um conflicted.

Waiting for my blood work results. I am so tired. My appointment was at 7 this morning. I work from four to midnight. sigh. They said my lazy egg was bigger so hopefully I ovulated or am going to very soon.

Depending on my results we might have a post coital test tomorrow. Goodbye last vestige of privacy. Yuck.

I got a phone call at work today from the RE's office. They said I missed my appointment. I told them I had no idea I had an appointment and had called them and left messages three times asking for my bloodwork results till I felt like I was being a pain.

She said according to my bloodwork I did have my period and it looks like today is CD14. I told her (run Breeders, run now) I thought maybe I had ovulated because I have a lot of EWCM. So I am going in at the crack of dawn tomorrow.

I hope they don't expect me to pay for this mysterious appointment, because I did not know one thing about it.

I am full all the time and I hate it. I know, I should be happy because I hardly want to eat anything and have to really force myself. It' s just that I feel like I ate Thanksgiving dinner all the time. I can't eat my stupid hypoglycemia mandated snack because I am F.U.L.L.

Full dammit. Today I had two glasses of water, two slices of Ezekial bread(that is a reallyreally grainy bread) with no sugar added blueberry jam and all natural peanut butter. I had to force myself to eat the second piece of toast and a cup of coffee. That was between 8 and 9 because I have to space out my medicine.

Then I did not want lunch but I knew I had to eat something so I had a sugar free non fat hazelnut latte and half an organic, no trans fat etc etc almond apricot bar. That was at 4 because I needed to take my metformin.

For dinner I had a cup of home made soup with a pretzel and a cup of water, and a handfull of whole grain goldfish that was at 7 p.m.. It's now 1 a.m. and I still feel like I just ate.

So am I a freak? Did I eat a normal amount and I was just eating like a pig before and now I am normal?

I think about money all the time. Silly Breeders, it's because I am afraid we will run out not because I want a new handbag or a spree at Sephora.

I was brought up in a family that thought it was Not Nice to talk about money. Sure, there were the turn the heat down shut the lights off warnings, but I had no idea what we spent a month or what my parents saved. In my extended family, being poor was unfortunate because then it was Not As Nice at your house. That was the atmosphere, money was for bills yes but also for pleasure. You worked hard and played hard.

When Mr. Mostly Darling and I decided after a lot of thought that I needed a job that was not as stressful or physically demanding as the job I had, I took a 60% pay cut. It felt hard, but also kind of like exercising. We were doing something we felt was right but also sucked while we were doing it.

I spent about a year looking sometimes casually and sometimes aggressively for a new job in my field. Well none were to be found, not with my new parameters of a forty hour week instead of a 70-80 hour week. In that field it is hard enough to Get a job, you are supposed to want to spend all day every day there.

As time went by, our bills went up. Partially because everything was getting more costly and partially because I was making a lot of lifestyle changes. Organic food, safe cleaners, fresh fruit and vegetables. It is very cheap to eat crappy food, or even semi healthy food. But when you really commit to eating raw nuts and organic produce and dairy it can double your food bill. Not everyone in the infertility world believes you need to eat organic, but I have done my research and I think it is better.

Sometimes the organic option is cheaper, or the same or such a small difference that it is inconsequential. However, sometimes not. I know I went from being able to spend 40-70 dollars a week to feed both of us(not including our restaurant habit) to about 80-120. Which is not terrible, but it is more. Then there are doctors bills, and my former eighty dollar a month EPT habit.

I had to get creative. I have embraced coupons and CVS. We don't go out to eat. We don't buy things. We don't go to the movies. It's because we are terrified that our medical bills are going to break us. Right now it is ok, but like we know(no not you breeders, I know you got pregnant after doing nothing more than shaving your legs) infertility costs a scary amount of money.

Plus we are trying to buy a house. Saving money for a down payment has been awful. Close to impossible with my medical bills and the general way the cost of everything from food to gas to electricity has gone up.

My therapist(150.00 an hour) validated me(insert ironic eyebrow lift) by saying the different career was the right choice because stress makes your uterus contract. So we are expected to pay for something RICH people have problems paying for while saving for a house while not forcing our family to deal with our reality while the economy nose dives. And I am supposed to Not Stress while I am doing this-hey don't forget acupuncture and babymoons!

Now don't get me wrong, we are not starving or freezing. We have money left over at the end of the month. BUT maybe that will change depending on what drugs I need and that is the scary,scary thing. The not knowing. Maybe twelve dollar Clomid will work. Maybe we will need a heavy hitter like Follistim. We have splendid insurance, but still. I worry. Mr. Mostly worries.

Where Breeders piss me off is when they say "why don't you just adopt?" Oh Breeders, sometimes I want to smack you.

Mr.Mostly gets very cranky when we get the bills. "Getting you pregnant is costing us a fortune!" True. I am always afraid to open our mail from Cigna. I don't know why I am being so negative today. I think it's because we visited my father.

He does not understand our money problems and does not agree with or support my job choice. He cannot believe that we are not living the comfortable life he is, and was Very Unhappy to find out Mr.Mostly got a part time job to help out.

Dear Breeder,

I saw you today, in a chic pregnancy outfit. Freaking glowing. I did not ask you if you needed help. I went the other way and left you alone. What else could you need, when you have everything now? It is really, really wrong of me to ignore customers and I do not care. Find your damn pregnancy book yourself.


Dear Breeder,

I saw you today, with your tiny daughter. Freaking happy. I did not ask you if you needed help. I went the other way, because I could NOT stand to be around you.

Dear Breeders,

Sometimes I hate you.

Well I missed a post yesterday. I worked early and then went straight to my Dad's for dinner. Yum! The best food is food I don't have to cook. They gave me my belated birthday presents- a sweater and a bird feeder complete with a 50 pound bag of birdseed.

We love watching the cats watch the birds. That right there is a good time. Especially when Mr. Naughtypants goes berserk with bird lust and throws himself at the glass. Run Run Boink!


Anyhow that was yesterday, a little wine, a little eggplant, mmmm and then cherry chocolate cake with fudge icing. droool people there is a hunk in my fridge right now and I am gonna chow down on it tomorrow.

Strangely my RE never called back to tell me my blood test results. So I suppose they were not earth shattering. I have to call tomorrow. That is all that is going on here, I am pretty pooped because I have been burning the candle at both ends.

No matter what Mr. Naughtypants says, peanut butter fudge is Not For Kitties.






Yes, yes I did give him some anyway. You try telling him no. Arhhghghh now he is eating my feeeeeeet, Maybe he thinks they are some new kind of fudge? Naughty Mr. Naughtypants.

I had my ultrasound and blood draws this morning . I am so freaking tired. I worked till almost midnight yesterday, got to sleep by maybe a 1:30. Then up by 6:30 for my date with the wand of badness. My ovaries are not doing much of anything, still. Nice.

I spoke with the nurse and she believes my random bleeding might have been a real period. Wow. She said the condition of my lining (Breeders that would be my UTERINE lining not say, my pool lining) led her to believe it could have been AF. Wow. Could ovulation be far behind??? Probably.

Anyhow they drew more blood and are checking to see what my hormones say. Also they are checking to see what my thyroid is doing. And, they are re-running my Tay Sachs test. However I am not worried, since Mr. Mostly is not a carrier for Tay-Sachs or cystic fibrosis. He does carry the gene for neverpickinguphissocks and also nevereverknowingwhathewantsfordinnereventhoughyouhavetoeateverydamnday.

So I am waiting on that. Mr.Mostly is at a Guitar Hero party, Guitar Hero-ing and most likely eating empty carbs and salt and drinking beer. Two can play at that game, I HAD EMPTY CARBS! Yum! With salt! And Fat! In the form of Chinese food! mmmmmmmm

I never did finish How I Got Here. It is not something I like to dwell on but it is a fact and has really changed the person I am today.

Well I know darn well where I left off. I was clinging to the side of my bed sobbing because I knew something was wrong. The woman I am today would have Demanded to be seen and Demanded a blood test and Demanded progesterone. Who knew? The girl that I was trusted doctors and believed what they told her. "Don't worry, bleeding is common. We'll see you in a few days."

I asked when I got there if I needed a blood test and they said no, that they relied on the test I took at home. Everyone kept congratulating me. But I did not want to hear it. I just knew something was not right. I wanted so desperately to believe my doctor, I let her reassure me. Never, ever again. She told me it was very unlikely that anything would go wrong and that my cervix was closed.

We sat in her office and I read through my list of questions I wrote down from the internet. She answered them mostly to my satisfaction. I made another appointment and went home.

I spent hours and hours on line looking at what my baby was doing. I thought for a moment about when the baby would be coming out and my brain went "whoa! NO" and blocked out, actually slammed a door shut on that whole part-choosing instead to think about new baby smell and names.

I had a very very short time where I was blissfully, ignorantly happy. Then more bleeding. Bleeding bleeding bleeding. Some people dearly loved by me tried to reassure me, that bleeding was common. Hell, bleeding IS common.

Sadly the blood was redredred and moremoremore. My doctor had me leave work and drive to her. She sent me for an emergency ultrasound. I played a lullaby cd on the hour drive to my doctor and told my baby that I understood if for some reason our time together was over. The technician was a callous bitch and took a phone call during my exam. Yep. Mercifully most of what happened that day is a blur.

I lost my mind, and my innocence. I was totally unprepared for this. I think it is outrageous that women are not aware of how common it is to miscarry. What I remember from that time is just a whirl, ultrasounds and blood tests and crying and staring at nothing. Praying and praying and praying it was not true.

But it was true. There really was a monster waiting in the dark. Mr. Mostly Darling was an angel, he was not as affected as I was, but I think it would have been harder if we had both been so devastated.

I think the hardest thing for me was my "natural miscarriage". Nothing like constantly seeing reminders of your dead baby in your underwear. Doctor Satan's office would not tell me what to expect, would it hurt? How long would it take?

A friend I spoke with told me to call their ob/gyn and I did. They made an appointment with me, they looked at my ultrasounds, they were much kinder. Mr. Mostly went with me and held my hand.

I remember a few days later my new ob gyn called me at work and said "I have good news."

Instantly I thought(hello I said I lost my mind) my baby was still there and it was all a terrible mistake and everything was magically fine. No.
No, the good news was that she was telling me it was not a tubal pregnancy. Well I guess that is good news, but it just seemed like a smack at the time.

More blood tests more ultrasounds to make sure everything was going back to normal.

I had joined a new club. The lost my baby club that has so many members but it is a big secret. You only find out how many people belong after you join.


Being the way that I am, I asked New Doctor if we should worry about infertility. No, she said give it another year.

A month or so later I was still fighting over bills from the ultrasounds that were too high and I got something in the mail.

An admission packet from the hospital telling me all the things we would need to do to get ready for our birth. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO ANGRY. I called and a woman explained the packets were sent automatically by the hospital associated with Doctor Satan and I pointed out that, you know possibly that was a Horrible Idea.

I crawled into a pretty big hole around then. It took a long, long time to crawl out. I will continue How I Got Here in a few days maybe.