Breeder Beware

And hooray to that!

Also Christmas Eve.  The children are out of their tiny minds.

I am doing ok. I did too much on Saturday and I was a little concerned, I also felt a lot less movement over two days but the movement I felt was all near the placenta so I decided after a lot of back and forth that the baby must be hiding. I feel more movement today so that is reassuring. 

We are all getting stir crazy.  Mister does not like me to leave the house or do much and he is right but the walls are closing in.  I went out shopping with him on Saturday( mistake) and to church on Sunday( fine).  Then I went to the grocery store with him because it was the big one for Christmas, that was a mixed bag.  After we got home  I got in bed. 

He is going back out soon for some odds and ends.  I am going to wrap some presents and then go to bed. 

James is talking a bit more, he says"yes, no, up, ma( milk)".  I think he just can't be bothered. Peter took a long time to talk too. 

Did I mention I am tired? 

I had the most minute, teeny, ridiculous spot of what may or may not have been blood( I think so but i had on red flannel pajamas so there is a possibility it was lint.  I should have touched it. EW.). But I only saw it once and nothing since then. I had a little cramping too but it went away so that's good. 

We ordered Christmas dinner catered from Whole Foods, because I trust their kitchen. It was actually pretty reasonable to get Christmas dinner for six adults and two children.  It stinks because I like to do it myself and I can do it better and cheaper but this way no dishes, no cleanup just heat and eat.  And to be honest we are completely overwhelmed just trying to buy and wrap and clean and do regular parenting. It was very important to me that if something happened and I was hospitalized over Christmas that Peter still have as normal and nice a holiday as possible. James is still too little to care, but Peter is old enough to know and have excitement and expectations and I was damned if he was going to miss out.  So it's a very streamlined Christmas, but it's Christmas.  And his grandparents will be here and he got everything he asked for and decorated cookies and saw Santa and wrote him a letter and helped decorate the tree. 

I am giving 25 weeks a big HOORAY! We did not get much news today but we are very happy to be one week closer to ok and farther from Giant Shitstorm. 

I was pretty tense going to the appointment, it has been extremely difficult to try and rest or not do much. Because come on now. Peter will be four in March and James will be two.  It's ridiculous here.  It'd be crazy if I wasn't pregnant let alone pregnant and trying to not do too much. 

So my OB said there is really nothing more they can tell me. That all my blood work was good and the baby is the right size and that I just have to not push myself.  I told my OB that is impossible. It is literally not possible.  So she said to do my best( actually she also said "well if you want to start bleeding again" and I said MY CHILDREN MOVE FURNITURE FOR FUN) and so she said to do my best and we can reevaluate.  I was not really happy with that answer but I see her point.  I do trust their practice.

She said nothing could happen, she said I could get a few weeks off and then have more problems as I grow, it just depends and there is no way to know. She did say I would know if something got worse because I would have pain and more bleeding. So at least I am not as worried about the placenta detaching and me having no clue. 

Honestly I was really hoping she would put me on bed rest so Mr. could just stay home and I would not have to worry about maybe something going really wrong while I am alone with the boys. 

So Mr and I are sticking with what we did this week, with me doing no cooking or driving or cleaning, but we are going to up what I do with the boys.  So today we did a messy Christmas craft( really messy, ice cream cones painted with green royal icing and m-n-ms) and I unloaded the dishwasher and started dinner but did not clean it up.   I feel more cheerful than I did this time last week, though it is extremely hard on all of us but not anywhere near as hard as hospital bed rest and for that I am very thankful.

We're all still here.  Peter has been super clingy and playing hospital.  I am having a lot of problems sleeping because I am able to distract myself during the day and it all sits there waiting to get me at night.  Last night was a bit better because Mr. came to bed very early( for him) and it made me calmer.  I made the most depressing list of questions ever for my OB on Tuesday. 

We are trying to literally buy ourselves time and so are getting take out and a lot of things we would not normally spend money on. Like oreos and lunch meat and take out.  I hate hot deli sandwiches but they have a lot of protein.  I just had turkey and cheese.  Normally I do all our baking, muffins and cookies and breads and rolls. But now we are buying them.  We are doing nearly all our shopping online and are looking at hiring someone to come in once a week or so and clean.  Anything we spend is cheaper than if I did something and started bleeding again and ended up back in the hospital.  We even ordered Christmas dinner catered.  And I am eating a lot.  A LOT.  I don't know if it will help but I figure if staying on a diet helps a GD baby from getting too big, then eating a lot of calories might plump this one up a little bit faster.  And since it's the only thing I can do, we're doing it. 

I am doing pretty good with not googling.  It has been very, very hard to try and "take it easy".  James is crying and slapping at the door to go out and Peter is pleading that I not rest and come play.  So obviously that is super awesome. 

I am afraid every time I wipe.

Mr. took the boys to visit family today and soon I am getting in bed. 

I am really looking forward( sort of) to seeing my regular Dr. on Tuesday and finding out some more answers.  Like..bed rest? Is it bed rest? Because if they want me to take it easy there is no way that is happening without Mr. staying home. There's just no way.  Even with him home it is still kind of chaotic.  At least with high blood pressure and gestational diabetes I could monitor and know that at least my blood pressure and blood sugar were acceptable.  But there is nothing to be done now. Just wait.  Maybe it will get better and maybe not.  I am not a passive person.  This is making me crazy, especially because I feel fine.  But I also don't feel safe. Even if they tell me it's ok I don't think I'll have even the illusion of safety til the baby is on the outside. 

Yesterday was 24 weeks.  And that is GOOD. Because last night I had some bleeding and my OB sent me to the hospital and it looks like I have a partial placental abruption.  Soo for now I am fine, the baby is fine and the bleeding has stopped. And maybe that'll be the end of it.  I don't know.  I had a steroid shot today and am going back to the hospital for another tomorrow and then we are all going to my OB on Tuesday assuming a quiet weekend.  I am tired.  Also, do not google placental abruption if you want to enjoy the fact that your ob let you go home.  Google = No. 

Mr is going to work a half day tomorrow since no one would commit to if I needed to go on bedrest.  Then he is going to work Friday and Monday though we are canceling all our weekend plans so that I just lie around and hopefully everything inside me stays inside me. 

I only go two hours of sleep last night since I saw the blood before bed and then was not done with everything til 2 30 a.m. and then like an idiot I said "no thank you" to the very fine sleeping pill I was offered.  BAD CALL. I was up til after 4 and then up at 6 so I could take my thyroid medicine so I could eat breakfast at 7 so I could be ready to go to the hig risk dr and get a transvaginal and a regular ultrasound and meet with the high risk dr. So perhaps I am a bit disjointed right now. 

23 weeks tomorrow.  I feel a bit of movement every day.  It's reassuring but not like the 'HEY I'M HERE" that I had with James.  Stupid placenta. Anyhow mostly I am dreading Friday.  Mom will find out Friday.  I just can't stand it.  She's such a miserable, ghoulish, narcissistic, selfish( I know, covered by narcissistic),mawkish millstone around my neck, she's awful.  She's AWFUL. I've had 23 lovely weeks of no mom.  I'll have 15 weeks of "dear, you look TERRIBLE. Do you feel terrible? No??? Look of disappointment. " Are you very tired? You look SO tired. However will you HANDLE three children? chuckle.      "You are always so crabby when you are pregnant." Knowing look exchanged with my sister as they communicate my insanity at being annoyed by being told I look terrible, exhausted and will soon be unable to cope with my family.

Anybody who has read my blog for any length of time knows my mom is not a milk and cookies, comforting, normal level of crazy mom.  I am so tired of her.  I refuse to take responsibility for her happiness and to pander to her anymore. 

I am dreading everything about Mom finding out.  The nagging and the nicknames and just her special brand of bullshit in general. Mostly I am deeply afraid the baby will die.  And then I will have to deal with my mom.  The Bereaved Grandmother, clutching her hands and demanding to star in The Baby's Funeral- a play in three acts- starring Mom.  I am more afraid of something happening and then dealing with mom than I am of something horrible happening.  I can handle that.  I can't handle what I know my mom would do.  How she would be. ALWAYS.  Always poking.  Always.  Always starring in her own dramatic play.  I talked to my OB about it. I guess because the insane planner part of me wants her to know that if something goes down mom will swan dive right into the middle as happy as a pig in shit, rolling around in delicious tragedy.