Dearest Gavin

A lot can happen over 4 years, and it certainly has.  We became foster parents and have seen many children 0-3 come through our home.  Many infants.  In a way having these babies have been healing for my heart and made my heart happy, although it is always difficult to say goodbye, I am glad to have been able to give my love to these little ones.
I had come to a place in life where I was feeling a sense of acceptance of how things were, our journey with infertility, loss and growing our family.  Acceptance of the fact that I was getting older and it was time to move on and to be excited to do things with our older children and perhaps have a honeymoon finally!
Then out of the blue our lives were turned upside down.  The week after my 39th birthday I was expecting af and she wasn't coming.  I had been having some spotting which I had experienced before the worlds crappiest af and I though I was in for another doozy, but it didn't happen.  I took pregnancy test and it was surprisingly positive!
After all we had been through I was 99.9% sure we would miscarry in the first couple of weeks.  I even told my boss really early just in case.  After several days of positive tests I eventually made an appointment with my family doctor and had him send a new referral to my ob (I had previously been re-referred to talk about ablation or hysterectomy!)
During the first few weeks I had two episodes of spotting and I was so sure things were not OK.  When we had our first ultrasound right before Christmas I was expecting bad news.  To my surprise there was a baby measuring right on track with a heartbeat. I balled in the ultrasound room.  Shocked.
We made it to our NT scans and we appeared to have a healthy baby.  My OB and I decided to go ahead with a preventative cerclage which was placed at 13w3d Feb 1/19 and progesterone suppositories which I started at 16 weeks.  I had pretty much bi-weekly ultrasounds with the MFM from 16-30 weeks.  Each time I went for an appointment I held my breath waiting to see some sort of cervical change in the wrong direction.  Every ultrasound was good.  I did have two episodes of bleeding, one at 23 weeks which was super scary and the other at 30 weeks.  Both times everything checked out.
We decided to keep the gender of the baby a surprise, and to be honest the whole experience was so surreal, I couldn't believe I was actually pregnant and there would be a baby!
At 36w1d I had my cerclage removed, my cervix immediately dilated to 4cm which means I was right all along.  My cervix is weak, from the damage I had during Brennan's birth and that is why we lost our Gavin.  My OB and myself though I might deliver at any time so I stopped working, my scheduled c-section was booked for July 30 at 39 weeks but we didn't figure we would make that appointment.  We actually made it to 37w6d before I went into labour.
I went to labour and delivery with mild contractions every 3-4 minutes. I was 5cm at first check. I signed my consents for surgery and  sat back and waited and then waited some more when I got bumped by an emergency.  Then labour kicked into high gear with painful contractions that eventually were every 2 minutes lasting 1 minute each.  I was barely coping.  They brought me gas and air but they didn't and I didn't want narcotics to make me and baby loopy.  I felt so much pressure in the front and felt like if my water were to break I would feel better.  Well my water broke in a very explosive manner soaking everything and that's when things went a bit crazy.  They rushed me back to the OR, I remember the OB on call say "she's pushing" and by the time they had me on the table in the OR baby was pretty much ready to be delivered.  The OB had me start pushing and also used vacuum assistance, I think they were having some trouble with baby's heart tones. The OB kept saying 1 more push.  I can’t remember how many times she said that but I couldn't help but think how many times is 1 more time!  Finally I felt that "ring of fire" thing, and baby delivered.  Liam James Robert was born at 12:41 am Tuesday July 23, 2019. I heard him cry (the best sound ever), I heard them ask DH to cut the cord and then they whisked baby away to the warmer.  He had low first apgars and was a bit floppy but he was brought to me after a few minutes and put on my chest.  I delivered the placenta and then they gave me a local anesthetic to stitch up a third degree tear. The delivery was the complete opposite of the calm gentle c-section I had been hoping for but my recovery has been pretty good and likely easier than if I had had a c-section.
It still feels so crazy that after 9 years I finally have my rainbow baby!  He came when we were least expecting it.  He truly is a blessing and a miracle.

"I've given you the best that science has but don't forget miracles happen, don't you stop trying"

~ a quote from my reproductive endocrinologist.

I apologize.....four months is a long time to have neglected my blog.  I am not even too sure where to start.  A lot has happened.  Maybe I'll do a little point form and then elaborate on some of the points another day.

I found a fb group of local parents of children with adhd.  The "leader" is a co-ordinator for the local learning disabilities association which has offices in a specialized school, so she is able to host meet-ups there.  I decided to go to the next one and took B with me.  They had a games room and an animal room which was a big hit.

So I've been slacking a little.  Since the last time I wrote a few things have happened. First off, more crappy stuff...dh had a minor collision one morning he only hit a parked car but still at fault of course. I was pretty mad about the whole thing.  I also had some social/friend issues. I decided to just let it go....I don't have capacity to deal with stuff like that. It just seems like over and over bad stuff happens it's very frustrating. Certainly not helping my mood it seems like I can't stop thinking about how things don't ever get any better and that I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life.

I am tired.  Last night was tough, B not wanting to co-operate by doing our work or taking his pill.  It's so frustrating.  I refuse to spend hours sitting there waiting for him to try.  I put my timer on for 10 minutes and when that was up I said ok that's enough.  Boy did he ever get mad.  I later gave him a second chance at his insistence.  I waited for 5-6 minutes to see if he would do anything and nothing.  So I put the white board down and said that's enough I'm going to bed.  W came home shortly after I told B to go see his dad and take his pill.  That didn't happen.  He went to his room.  Later came back to our room with his cot, blanket and pillow and went to sleep.  The kid woke me up through the night moaning and groaning.  I thought he was sleeping on the floor.  Then I awoke to him basically sleeping on his feet with his head beside mine.  I pulled him into the bed.  I already told W no electronics today. He will be mad.  We do need to get it under control though.  It's just so easy to let him do it because then he's occupied and my depressed self doesn't have to make much effort.  Way to go parent of the year!

 Its been over a week since my last post. I've had sufficient time to cool off, don't get me wrong I'm still not overly happy about the situation but then that seems to be a theme for me.

The one thing I ask?  Be home on time so I can leave for work.  If you're running late give me a call or answer your phone! There is nothing more frustrating or worrying sitting waiting for someone who doesn't pick up the phone.  I barely got a parking spot at the train and I will very likely be late for work.