Dearest Gavin

I have been a bad blogger. I am pretty sure I have mentioned before I always hated journal writing in school....well I guess this is kind of similar....sometimes I just need a break!

We as a family have had so much stress in the last couple of months. I am happy to report that we are moved into our new home and are both working again....well I am on vaca this week....(not exactly looking forward to going back!)

Brennan is doing so well. He has had a growth spurt of words. I am impressed by how much he is learning and taking in. He is definitely a little boy now....no more baby.

On the ttc front after the chemical mentioned in the last post we did a couple of clomid cycles with no success, the first cycle was a complete wash because I missed my O (darn PCOS). The second had good timing but was not to be. After that I decided it was just too much for me....it was overtaking my life....opk's multiple times a day agonizing over pregnancy tests. Then we had some major stresses come up, so I went back on the pill. Next time I go off will be to start a cycle at the fertility clinic. The plan right now is for the end of Aug early Sept, but plans change....we all know that.

A friend of mine from church is pregnant. I have been wondering for a while now, but that isn't one of those things you just come out and ask unless your ABSOLUTELY sure...lol. She had her DD a couple months after I had Brennan and now a second is on the way in October. It was completely obvious on Sunday when I saw her. I will admit that zing of jealousy went through me. Not so much that she is pregnant but that having babies is just not easy for us. Some days it seems like nothing in life is every easy.

Brennan and I went for a walk today, spent some time at the park. On the way back I noticed our neighbour was out with her little boy. I stopped to introduce us. The little boy will be 3 in the fall. I am glad to have another boy on the street. I hope he and Brennan will be friends. Anyhow the mom just happened to mention "I am so tired, I just found out I am pregnant"....sigh....there seems to be a lot of preggo's popping up these days.

Well that is about all for an update I think.....

Beta HCG was low....tests are getting lighter....I am expected to miscarry.....chemical pregnancy...af ...what ever you like to call it.

Miscarriage always sucks no matter what....this time I am dumbfounded. Why in the world would HE align everything so perfectly have me ovulate, have that egg fertilized by my "sub fertile" husband just to have it not last? What is the lesson in all this? Don't know :(

I would have rather just ovulated got AF and had been thrilled about that.

I am wallowing in self pity today as I wait to bleed. I bought both salty and sweet snacks and indulged myself by buying a case of Pepsi.

Well my title pretty much says it all.

I have become one of "those"women!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am shocked, in disbelief and apparently pregnant!

At the end of February I finished my last pack of birth control. I wasn't expecting much to happen but wanted to give things a try for a few months. Second week of March I noticed what I thought were some fertile symptoms....

The next week I was at my gyne appointment for my PAP. I was really whiny about my sucky body and gyn agreed to RX clomid for us to use before heading back to the more serious stuff.

A day or so later I notice hey my boobs are sore....maybe by some miracle I ovulated? I was pretty darn thrilled about that. Being realistic though with DH's MFI I wasn't expecting much more. But as I always say O'ing for us PCOS women is HUGE.

Anyways getting towards the end of my LP I decide to use a couple of expired internet tests I had hanging around from when I was trying for Brennan....kind of see something.....so I got some better tests and there was a pink line.

I went for some bloodwork today. For some reason the clinic did not get back to me today or they called after I had already left work....I should know tomorrow if they will confirm a pregnancy.

I am pretty shocked still. I just can't believe we did this the "natural" "fun" way. WOW!!!

If all goes well (of course I always worry since having the missed miscarriage) the EDD will be around Dec 2.....but since I won't go further than 39 weeks I expect a November birth....wow!

Well Brennan was first. Last Wed he was acting a little odd, clingy and then pukey...gotta love chasing a toddler around with a bowl hoping to catch the vomit. After that it was a lot of diarrhea....wasn't completely better till yesterday I would say...and you know I just knew I was going to catch it. All weekend I was feeling kind of iffy....I was hoping it was all psychosomatic...but it wasn't. It was a good thing I ate very light.
I made it into work today and had to leave early. I am so dehydrated and weak I just couldn't do a full day. Keeping up my fluids now I should be ok for a full day tomorrow.

Other than that....same old same old....

So yeah I have been quite worried over the last few weeks. To put it shortly I am worried about DH's job. He had an incident last week and he was "suspended" for a day with no pay. He is back at work but I don't think he is out of the woods especially considering the poor economy. The company could use this incident as an excuse to get rid of him. Now is really not a good time for that.

Our new house is coming right along. We had to list our condo the other night as our house is on track to be ready in less than 90 days.....insert wide eyed shocked blinkie here. We spent the entire family day weekend cleaning and moving things out to a storage facility so we can have this place looking as show suite as possible with 3 people and 2 cats living in it.

On my way in tonight I happened to see a couple moving out. They said the first person to come through their place bought it within 2 weeks. That is encouraging. But it is discouraging that since yesterday our sign and 3 others have gone up outside. I guess we are heading into the spring season. Our place is not yet on the mls nor are two of the others on the sign. We have a couple advantages with our place. The best one being we have two parking spaces. We are also on the top floor on the north side (doesn't get so hot) We also have a much more spacious laundry/storage room. The other suites just have closets. I am very interested to see what other suites are on the market now.

Ok an on to the good good news. My friend K from my infertility group here in Edmonton....I have mentioned her before. She and her DH went through unexplained IF and the works in terms of treatment. They decided in the fall after their FET not to persue IF treatments anymore.

Well a couple weeks ago she let me know that they are now adopting! Turns out another member of our IF group has a nephew and his g/f became pregnant. They choose to put their baby up for adoption and our friend connected the couple and K & D together in January they all decided to go ahead with the adoption.

Well the EDD was March 10, but dr's were not too sure I guess, BM was measuring large...and guess what her water broke this morning!! K & D are going to be parents!!!! Either today or tomorrow. I am so thrilled for them. Everytime I think of them I either tear up or have some silly stupid permasmile...lol

Of course there are things to pray for. That the labour and delivery go well, and that everybody is healthy. For the next 10 days as this is the time the birthmother has to change her mind.

Most importantly I think the birthparents really need some prayers. I have not been through this type of situation myself but if I had to imagine myself giving up my baby I know it would be probably the hardest thing I ever had to do.....even if I knew I wasn't ready for the responsibility. This is such a wonderful thing they are doing and yet heartbreaking at the same time.

Well the good new is my tubes are clear and my uterus looks good.....the other good news is that it didn't hurt anywhere near as much as the first one....Whew.

Dr did have to fill my uterus with contrast fluid twice as the first time there was no drainage from my tubes. DR said it was probably my tubes being spasmodic. So he refilled my uterus a second time and that time the fluid came out of my tubes...TG!

I am glad to have that over with!

So we had our app't with DR M this morning. It was pretty good. We had a little chit chat comparing our parenting experiences....his little guy is about the same age as Brennan and of course Dr K (his wife) is Brennan's Urologist. It appears that all kids Brennan's age love to play with phones, remotes and laptops...lol. I told him about the Einstein's laptop we got Brennan and he said he needed to go get one too.

Ok well onto the ttc stuff. We did a little history review, discussed Brennan's birth. He said that I shouldn't have any issues with my cervix and that he definitely recommends a repeat/scheduled c-section. He said the likelihood of my having a successful vag birth are about 30%

We discussed the fact that we would like to give it a few months before moving on to injects + iui. He was totally ok with that. Told Will we needed to BD 5-6 times a week....ah I don't think I am up for that....of course he was joking TG and suggested 3 times.

So here is the plan. I have an HSG (booo) scheduled for this Thursday. He said since I had the c-section he needs to check and see if there are any adhesion's in there that may be a problem or may have blocked my tubes.

I will be staying on BCP's for at least a month longer in the meantime I will start back on metformin....850mg 2x per day. Once I am done with my last cycle of BCP's. We will see how things go for a few months.

I have a standing order for progesterone tests at the lab so every 35 days I will get bw and if no O start prometrium and then a new cycle.

I have a rec for day3 b/w for whenever I am ready to start a medicated cycle. Dr M also mentioned that in a few months all the effect of the bcp's on my hormones will be completely gone and more than likely my hormones will go back to their old ways.

Will of course needs a new s/a he will just need to do it within the month....i.e. before I go off the pill cuz there would be no point if his boys have deteriorated more.

I just send my boss an email and broke the news that I will be off most of Thurs and all of Friday (my last HSG hurt like H*ll). Fortunately my temp is still around and can take care things.

I feel simply exhausted. I had to cover the reception desk 4 of 5 days this week. Doing that along with my own work plus a run -in with a certain co-worker...it just sucks.

Our receptionist has not been wonderfully reliable as in she has taken more sick days than what she has to take. But apparently she is the best of the 7-8 the office went through while I was on mat leave.....so in other words we would like her to stay....well I know I would because I end up covering.

I like K she seems to be a nice person. We have talked about stuff including ttc. My boss confided in me that K was pregnant and now having a miscarriage. My boss has never btdt has not been pregnant or has any children. She didn't really know how to relate. She figured I might have some experience seeing I have a child. Well I have btdt it actually brings back a lot of memories of that time.

How upset I was, how I wanted people to know so that they could understand but knowing that people who have not btdt just don't "get it." Even my mom gave me one of the one liners you should never tell anyone that just had a m/c.

I do hope K is feeling better at least physically...I know emotionally it takes some time.

Last week I downloaded a song off of Itunes "Well With My Soul" it is a remake of that old hymn "It Is Well With My Soul." I remember way back only a few weeks after Brennan was born the three of us were at church and the Pastor speaking that day told the story of how that hymn came to be. Well me and my post-partum blues completely lost it. I usually hate to cry in front of others but I couldn't keep it in. The story was so freaking sad. Well I really like this new version. But the message is the same...Whatever my lot, you have taught me to know, it is well, it is well with my soul. If Horatio Spafford can "let go" and give it to Him then I know I can too.

Ok I didn't post about my appointment with DR M that is because it didn't happen! I had a call on my home machine on Jan 6 saying he had to go out of town unexpectedly and they needed to post-pone my appointment. No big deal just short notice. It was kind of bad timing with the merge at work anyways. I have been rebooked for this coming Tuesday.

My sister and bil are about to get a new foster baby. This one is pretty brand new. The DR figures she was 4-6 weeks premature and is still in nicu as a grower feeder. The one difference with this baby and the others my sis and bil have adopted/fostered is that is baby was NOT exposed to alcohol or drugs during the pregnancy!!! One thing this baby will NOT have to deal with. Anyways the baby is expected to be discharged this coming week.

I really don't know how my sister manages......that is a lot of kids!

Well that is how I felt today. Today was the first day of the new firm. It felt really busy but it also felt like I didn't get much accomplished.

We are all still getting our bearings with the new order of things. It will take a little while. The way things are being done seems to be a turn backwards. So many forms to complete for every little thing.

I am still very unsure of my new role in all of this. A lot of the work I did will now be handled in the main office. Maybe I will be given new tasks I don't know yet. I still have lots of stuff to do for the old firm. Unfortunately that stuff is really not very exciting. But it is a task that I can sit and listen to music and not have to pay too much attention. But I see this task getting bigger and bigger, more and more keeps arriving and so far I don't even have the time to look at it at all. I hate it when there is work looming over me. Where I can see it but can't get to it.

Well I arrived home today with a huge headache....I wonder if it might snow? But it seems to be one of my normal "cluster headaches" bring on the Advil.

We start our EDO's this month. I am using mine Wednesday. That also happens to be the day I see my RE. I have so many questions for him. I am curious to know what type if any testing we will need to get done before ttc. I will get back on Met which is a good thing and bad. Side effects not so good, but it means I can get off the pill and my skin won't explode.

I have been conversing with vbac advocates. I really don't think I will find a vbac friendly DR for my situation but it is nice to dream. I will be happy enough just to be awake during the birth.

AH my little guy is done his diner so it's time to log off.