Dearest Gavin

Before G I used to take and have lots of pictures printed. I have album upon album of B's first two years. Since then the only photos I have uploaded for printing have been for my inlaws and the ones I printed of G.  I haven't removed the pictures from my cameras memory card since before Christmas 2009.  Every picture taken since then is on that card or on my phone.  In comparison to the first two years I have been a bad bad mommy.

I finally took the time last night to upload all of the pictures from that memory card and the iPhone file on the computer to the store so I can get prints or maybe just a cd.   Choose not to upload the pictures from my brothers wedding 2 years ago....they separated this year...

I look back on the pictures from nearly 3 years ago.  B was still such a baby.  I know he was turning 2 but so little.  Even though I have witnessed and been involved  these past 3 years I feel in a way like I have missed them.  Grief and ttc have robbed me of really enjoying the child I do have.  Now he's getting ready to start kindergarten.  My big boy now.  I am still stuck on the same cycle of dashed hopes and disappointment.

Signed us up for this years Walk to Remember.  Our Third.

August 30 will be three years since our successful cycle when G was concieved.  I often wonder if there is anyone else out there still trying 3 years later.  7 failed iui, 1 failed ivf, several failed rounds of clomid and letrozole, and to top it all of on the 2 cycles that didn't fail resulted subsequent miscarriages.  When is enough enough?

I know I am only 10/11 dpo but I feel I am out.  That test the other day must have been bad.

I go back and forth in my mind about this whole ttc issue.  I still melt when I see pictures of babies but at the same time I often think maybe we'll be better off to just have B.  B is going to be 5 in 2 months.  If a new baby were to ever arrive she/he would be so much younger.  I am not saying they couldn't be close but it would have been so much different if G were here.  They would have been playmates and hopefully good friends as adults.  It's just not the same with siblings who are several years older. I know this first hand as the next closest to me is 6 years older.  My oldest siblings have grandchildren where I am still trying to build my family....yes I am a Great-Auntie 3x over.

Things came to a head this week with BIL lets just say I had to "lose it" and now I am afraid I appear to be the bi*ch DIL.   But I stand firm that it is absolutely not our responsibility to front the cost of BIL living here.  Especially when the in-laws asked us to not kick him out.  Whatever our house our rules.   Of course the whole thing has me stressed out.

I am also stressed about Brennan's school the tuition (because we just bought a new car....more payments!  Another source of stress)  But the place is in a pretty serious position. It's all in the news and I happen to have some additional info because they are clients of my firm.  Anyways they assure us there is a contingency plan in place (I hope so).  I wanted to send B to this school ( a private Christian school he went to k4 there) because they offer full day K5, small classes etc.  and B being the busy boy he is I know he needs that little bit extra to get a good start at his student career.   I did check into public school but since registration starts in March the only school I could get him in is the one my neighborhood kids are assigned to....which happens to be way out of the way and scored poorly on standardized tests, so not really a good choice either.

Still plugging away at my psych course.   It is taking much longer than I had hoped.  I am 3 months in still have 1 unit to read and do the test, an journal critique, paper, and exam left.  It hasn't been easy finding time/energy for this between everything else in life.  The thought of nursing school excites and scares me and stresses me out.  I often wonder if we'll ever make it happen.

Must have been a bad test.  All of today's are definately BFN.   Still early I know I think I am 10 dpo ff thinks I am 9 dpo.  Lots of af like cramping today.

A few more days we'll see what happens.

OK I know I am only 9 dpo and these old CBE (I got with the pack of opks) are pure crap which have in the past given me a thin blue line evap.  I kind of see something here thicker than an evap line.  

Original


Increased saturation


Vivid


After 10 minutes


I think after this long ttc I see lines in EVERYTHING!!!!  We shall see as the days past maybe this will turn into something more and maybe not.

Got a pos opk today.  Let the "fun" begin....and then on to the tww!

We visited some show homes tonight.  They are always so neat and tidy....no clutter.  It really makes me want to thin out the clutter in my own home.

I think it might be time to get rid of some clothes....even the maternity clothes that have been sitting in my closet unworn for 2 years and 7 months. I think I will keep the shirt I wore the day he died.....and thats it.

I may never have another pregnancy and if I do I've lost a bunch of weight the stuff will be too big anyways right?

I'm in a bad mood and a bunch of little things are going wrong which just make my mood even worse.  Friday night we went to Costco.  They gave me back someone else's card at the register.  I didn't notice till yesterday.  Tried to go back today to fix the problem and they were closed....I guess it is a holiday today.  Have to go back again tomorrow......annoying!
Had the tv/internet people in yesterday to fix an issue (for dh)....which of course took two hours and then created further problems for me having to reset everything for the new router.
We took B to try mini golf for the first time today.  We went to the mall and of course parked on the complete opposite side from the mini put.   Hello largest mall in the country.  Hole 7 I knew B had to pee. I asked dh to take him "he can wait". Uh no I don't think so I could see a wet spot on his shorts he obviously wanted to play more than pee.  I don't carry around a diaper bag with a change of clothes anymore.  I basically had to flip out in public to get my DH to take B to the bathroom.  Why didn't I take him myself you ask....well he denied needing to go of course and he's much to big for me to pick up now. When they got back I asked B so does that feel better "yes" said he. Grrr.  
We got home and I decided to take a time out and read.  B and dh playing a game on the wii.  Dh comes to me to tell me the power is out.  Well none of the outlets are working in one room (the bonus room). So who has to check the breakers....MOI...I tried flipping some switches eventually got in touch with bil who happens to be an electrician. Tried what he suggested...nada...he figures it's sloppy eletrical work (that's reassuring). Our home is 3 yrs old bil figures new home owners warranty will cover this but I am not so sure....at least not according to the certificate I have....years 2-10 is structural only...I will call tomorrow but I am betting bil is going to have to come and look at the problem.....thank goodness for bil's with skills one electrician and one who is computer competent. 
I am on "vacation" this week.  What does this mean....me and B at home DH at work.  Seriously we never get to vacation every year something new comes up....fertility treatments, family visits, new jobs etc.....can't take holidays when you haven't yet earned any because your at a new job (again!!). 
 Speaking of computer competent Mr I have an opinion about child rearing even though I have no children BIL is still here....1 month already....enough said!!! 
I know this stuff is pretty petty but grrr....it's enough to really put me in a bad mood.  I know your reading this DH....it would be nice if you could open your ears and listen to me....I am not an idiot....I knew our kid had to pee....and secondly take some initiative instead of letting me deal with all the crap  this is our home not mine OURS!!  oh yeah that gates still needs to be fixed too.
Ok now that I have that rant/vent over I can share something good.  I got 38/40 on my most recent unit test for my psych class.  I have two more units to do one more article critique, a paper and then the exam.  It's somewhat exhausting doing the student thing along with the employee/wife/mother thing.  It's going to take a bit longer to finish than what I had planned.  I haven't handed in my first article yet....it's done but I am just not so sure about it and the apa style....it's been 10 years since my last university course...I guess I am lacking in the confidence department.