A lot can happen over 4 years, and it certainly has. We became foster parents and have seen many children 0-3 come through our home. Many infants. In a way having these babies have been healing for my heart and made my heart happy, although it is always difficult to say goodbye, I am glad to have been able to give my love to these little ones.
I had come to a place in life where I was feeling a sense of acceptance of how things were, our journey with infertility, loss and growing our family. Acceptance of the fact that I was getting older and it was time to move on and to be excited to do things with our older children and perhaps have a honeymoon finally!
Then out of the blue our lives were turned upside down. The week after my 39th birthday I was expecting af and she wasn't coming. I had been having some spotting which I had experienced before the worlds crappiest af and I though I was in for another doozy, but it didn't happen. I took pregnancy test and it was surprisingly positive!
After all we had been through I was 99.9% sure we would miscarry in the first couple of weeks. I even told my boss really early just in case. After several days of positive tests I eventually made an appointment with my family doctor and had him send a new referral to my ob (I had previously been re-referred to talk about ablation or hysterectomy!)
During the first few weeks I had two episodes of spotting and I was so sure things were not OK. When we had our first ultrasound right before Christmas I was expecting bad news. To my surprise there was a baby measuring right on track with a heartbeat. I balled in the ultrasound room. Shocked.
We made it to our NT scans and we appeared to have a healthy baby. My OB and I decided to go ahead with a preventative cerclage which was placed at 13w3d Feb 1/19 and progesterone suppositories which I started at 16 weeks. I had pretty much bi-weekly ultrasounds with the MFM from 16-30 weeks. Each time I went for an appointment I held my breath waiting to see some sort of cervical change in the wrong direction. Every ultrasound was good. I did have two episodes of bleeding, one at 23 weeks which was super scary and the other at 30 weeks. Both times everything checked out.
We decided to keep the gender of the baby a surprise, and to be honest the whole experience was so surreal, I couldn't believe I was actually pregnant and there would be a baby!
At 36w1d I had my cerclage removed, my cervix immediately dilated to 4cm which means I was right all along. My cervix is weak, from the damage I had during Brennan's birth and that is why we lost our Gavin. My OB and myself though I might deliver at any time so I stopped working, my scheduled c-section was booked for July 30 at 39 weeks but we didn't figure we would make that appointment. We actually made it to 37w6d before I went into labour.
I went to labour and delivery with mild contractions every 3-4 minutes. I was 5cm at first check. I signed my consents for surgery and sat back and waited and then waited some more when I got bumped by an emergency. Then labour kicked into high gear with painful contractions that eventually were every 2 minutes lasting 1 minute each. I was barely coping. They brought me gas and air but they didn't and I didn't want narcotics to make me and baby loopy. I felt so much pressure in the front and felt like if my water were to break I would feel better. Well my water broke in a very explosive manner soaking everything and that's when things went a bit crazy. They rushed me back to the OR, I remember the OB on call say "she's pushing" and by the time they had me on the table in the OR baby was pretty much ready to be delivered. The OB had me start pushing and also used vacuum assistance, I think they were having some trouble with baby's heart tones. The OB kept saying 1 more push. I can’t remember how many times she said that but I couldn't help but think how many times is 1 more time! Finally I felt that "ring of fire" thing, and baby delivered. Liam James Robert was born at 12:41 am Tuesday July 23, 2019. I heard him cry (the best sound ever), I heard them ask DH to cut the cord and then they whisked baby away to the warmer. He had low first apgars and was a bit floppy but he was brought to me after a few minutes and put on my chest. I delivered the placenta and then they gave me a local anesthetic to stitch up a third degree tear. The delivery was the complete opposite of the calm gentle c-section I had been hoping for but my recovery has been pretty good and likely easier than if I had had a c-section.
It still feels so crazy that after 9 years I finally have my rainbow baby! He came when we were least expecting it. He truly is a blessing and a miracle.
"I've given you the best that science has but don't forget miracles happen, don't you stop trying"
~ a quote from my reproductive endocrinologist.
