Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
How is Sawyer's birth mom doing?
I just shared with everyone my first month of being an adoptive mother, here is how Lauren (Sawyer's Birthmom) is doing after a month of being a birth mother. I just love this gal!
http://www.adoptionadventuresjl.blogspot.com/
http://www.adoptionadventuresjl.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
One Month Later
Sawyer is now 1 month old! Wow, the time has flown by sooo fast. The first couple of weeks we realized how little we really did know about not only babies but also emotions that come with adoption. I have nothing to compare Sawyer to in reguards to how a baby should act but I have been told by many people how lucky I am to have such a good baby. He rarely cries and sleeps long through the night. He can already hold his own bottle at times and he has a great attention span. He also is such a good eater and just loves the breastmilk. He eats a lot! He's growing so fast and gaining weight. He's getting a double chin : ) He still is on a breastmilk only diet. Lucy has donated more breastmilk to him and I am sooo extremely grateful for her caring service to Sawyer. It has made a huge difference. Sawyer also has some colostrum donated by another donor from Reno, Nevada. Jeni had some colostrum saved up that she hadn't used for months and didn't quite know why she felt so compeled to keep it. When she heard about Lucy and Sawyer, she offered him some milk also. She felt this was the reason she felt like she needed to keep that milk for some reason. She was so sweet and 2-day shipped it to me just in time for Sawyer to have it for his first meal at home. One thing I didn't expect when I took Sawyer home was all the emotions I experienced this past month. I know what I am about to share is personal but I think it is important for people to know that are also choosing the adoption route. The first week was the hardest. I was so full of guilt. I knew Sawyer's birth family was hurting and I felt like it in some way was all my fault. I felt like the bad guy. I had this beautiful baby in my arms that I absoultly loved and I knew that could have never been if it wasn't for Sawyer's wonderful birth parents that were hurting so badly. It just didn't seem fair. I love Lauren and Jason so much and I just wanted to take them home with me. The next feelings I felt were jealously. I was so jealous of Lauren and Jason. I wish I could have given birth to my baby so bad. Everytime I looked at Sawyer, I saw their faces and not ours. He has their hands, not ours. He has their toes, not ours. I admit, it was even hard for me to give Lauren updates a little bit. It was hard trying to feel like "Mom" when I was often reminded that I wasn't his real "Mom". I didn't know anyone that had been in my shoes and had also done an open adoption that I could talk to so I felt so horrible for having these feelings. I felt like if I said anything to anyone that it would make me look ungrateful and I was so far from being ungrateful. I felt these feelings beating me down and making it hard for me to bond with my baby. Then one day one of the social workers came over and I just unloaded my feelings on him. He told me that all these feelings were COMPLETELY normal. I felt so relieved. He assured me that things would get better in time. The day after he left I met someone this has been in my shoes, twice. She has two adopted children that are both open adoptions. It felt so good to talk to her. We shared stories and she was a major help. She helped me see things in a different light. She told me to continue to be completely honest with Lauren and I have. She understood me so well. I love the love and relationship she has with her children's birth mother's. She said the birthmoms are like sisters or sisters-in-laws to her. I understand that love and I look forward to the day Lauren and I have that sisterly relationship.
Sawyer also love just being held. He cries when I lay him down so that makes me feel like he misses me. He is happy again when I pick him up and hold him in my arms. Sawyer is a special baby. He is helping me feel like a mom more and more every day. I have realized that even though I didn't carry him for 9 months, I am still his Mom. Lauren will always be his birth mom and that makes him extra special because he has not only a mom but a birth mom too. He will always know his belly button is extra special because it was connected to Lauren's belly button.
My life has changed so much in the past month and I am happier now than I have ever been in my whole life. My love for Sawyer and his birth family grow every day. The jealously has been replaced with more honor and more grattitude for them. I feel so lucky to have an open adoption plan. We love you Jason and Lauren : ) Oh and the dogs absolutly love him also!
His next adventure will be next week when we go to Nevada and Utah!
I don't know who all reads this, but feedback is much welcomed : ) I like hearing your thoughts too.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Home with Sawyer
It's been a week since we got to bring little Sawyer home. He is such a good baby. He rarely cries or spits up. He eats so much too!! I still get emotional about things but hearing how Lauren, Jason, and her family are doing brings me some peace. I think about them all the time. I am so glad she has so much support from lots of people, esp. her parents. That makes a world of a difference. Lauren has a wonderful mom and dad that love her so very much. I have known her mom for many years and got to know her pretty well. She is very talented in many ways and has taught me a thing or two : ) I admire her in so many ways.
When we gave Sawyer his first bath, he didn't like it very much. That really is the only time he cries. Today when I gave him a bath he was crying and when I turned around, all the dogs had migrated to the bathroom to see what was going on. The dogs are getting used to Sawyer more each day. I sensed a little jealousy at first but now they are starting to accept him as their own.
Brett likes reading to Sawyer and Sawyer pays close attention to the colorful pages. Here he is reading a book called "My New Boy".
For Sawyer's one week birthday, Brett and I got him a new all-terain radio flyer wagon for him and his pal Bruiser to cruise in. It was kinda chilly outside so we just pulled them around in the house.
We took Sawyer to meet his Great-Grandmother Joy yesterday. She is my Mom's biological mother. While we were there we found out that Sawyer's Great-Great Grandmother is still alive and local. I didn't even know that. He also met another Aunt Sharon and Uncle Jeff and some cousins. Him and his Uncle Jeff share a birthday. Sawyer is getting so much attention from everyone.
Last night his Aunt Lindsey and Cousin Knox of his flew in from Tennessee to meet him.
(Here is Cousin Knox and Great-Grandma)
Brett and I are bonding more and more with Sawyer each day. We love him so incredibly much and we are just so happy to finally be parents.
Nap time at the Frandsen's.
Oh yea, one more thing, we went to Grandma's to play some games and when I went to change Sawyer's diaper, his belly button cord had fallen off. Now he can take a real bath!! Sawyer seamed to like playing games too.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Becoming a Mommy : )
This week has been by far the most amazing week of my life. This is the week I became a mother. Not just anyones mother, Sawyer Jonus's mommy. When I decided to be a mother I never thought it would be this wonderful.
I feel extremely lucky that Sawyer's birthmom was so willing to share his birth with me. I realize that lots of adoptive mothers don't get that opportunity so I am so thankful for her. She was in labor for many hours and when the time came for Sawyer to meet the world she let me witness it. Along with me was Sawyer's birth father and his birth grandmother. I felt so helpless seeing her in pain. I wish I could have taken the pain for her so she wouldn't have to. I had tears streaming down me cheeks the whole time. When he came I went to the other side of the room to get a camera when all of a sudden I heard my name being called. I turned around to the doctor handing me a pair of scissors to cut the cord. That meant so much to me that Lauren and Jason chose me to do that. (Oh man I can't even write this without crying.) I felt so included and honored.
When I saw little Sawyer for the first time I wept. He was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I felt so undeserving of this little body in front of me. He had big eyes and lots of hair. He had the cutest little cry. I counted all his fingers and toes and watched the hospital staff do their job. They told his birth mom that she would get 2 bracelets that match the one on Sawyer's ankle that would give people total access to him. One was for her and the other was for someone else. She gave it to me. The fact that she would give it to me was so sweet. I was honored to wear it. I watched them weigh and measure him and takes his little footprints. He didn't cry much but his big eyes wandered everywhere. He was curoius to see his new surroundings.
Lauren held him first, then Jason, then me. When Lauren held him you could she in her eyes how proud she was. I watched how she looked at him and I could feel the love she felt for him so strongly. Her smile was so big.
Brett held him next. He was so filled with joy. Watching him hold his son for the first time was absolutly priceless. Sawyer looked directly into Brett's eyes trying to figure out who this person was. Some of Sawyer's grandparents and Aunt passed him around nest. Everyone that held Sawyer that day felt the joy we did in different ways. Sawyer put many smiles on peoples faces that day. That room was so filled with love and a spirit I can't explain.
I feel extremely lucky that Sawyer's birthmom was so willing to share his birth with me. I realize that lots of adoptive mothers don't get that opportunity so I am so thankful for her. She was in labor for many hours and when the time came for Sawyer to meet the world she let me witness it. Along with me was Sawyer's birth father and his birth grandmother. I felt so helpless seeing her in pain. I wish I could have taken the pain for her so she wouldn't have to. I had tears streaming down me cheeks the whole time. When he came I went to the other side of the room to get a camera when all of a sudden I heard my name being called. I turned around to the doctor handing me a pair of scissors to cut the cord. That meant so much to me that Lauren and Jason chose me to do that. (Oh man I can't even write this without crying.) I felt so included and honored. 
When I saw little Sawyer for the first time I wept. He was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I felt so undeserving of this little body in front of me. He had big eyes and lots of hair. He had the cutest little cry. I counted all his fingers and toes and watched the hospital staff do their job. They told his birth mom that she would get 2 bracelets that match the one on Sawyer's ankle that would give people total access to him. One was for her and the other was for someone else. She gave it to me. The fact that she would give it to me was so sweet. I was honored to wear it. I watched them weigh and measure him and takes his little footprints. He didn't cry much but his big eyes wandered everywhere. He was curoius to see his new surroundings. 
Lauren held him first, then Jason, then me. When Lauren held him you could she in her eyes how proud she was. I watched how she looked at him and I could feel the love she felt for him so strongly. Her smile was so big. It was also beautiful watching Jason hold him. I could see how proud he was also. Sawyer looks so much like him so I wonder if it was like looking at a mini him when he held him. I was fillming all of this so Sawyer can see it for himself someday. I want him to see and know the love his birth parents have for him always.
When it was time for me to hold him, I just balled my eyes out. He was absolutly precious in every way. I experienced a new kind of love that I had never experienced. My heart was so full of love and I thought it was going to explode. I was holding an answer to thousands of prayers and an end to all my pain and suffering. I was holding the future and that sad past had just been washed away in an instant. He was so worth the wait. He looked at me with those big brown eyes and I felt his love. I felt his trust in me to take care of him and love forever. While holding him everything just made sense...finally. It was clear to me that this is the way it was supposed to be all along. Lauren and Jason are such wonderful people I wouldn't doubt if they agreed to do this for us in our pre-existance. They gave Brett and I the gift we could not give each other. What a special gift!
Brett held him next. He was so filled with joy. Watching him hold his son for the first time was absolutly priceless. Sawyer looked directly into Brett's eyes trying to figure out who this person was. Some of Sawyer's grandparents and Aunt passed him around nest. Everyone that held Sawyer that day felt the joy we did in different ways. Sawyer put many smiles on peoples faces that day. That room was so filled with love and a spirit I can't explain. For the rest of that day, Brett and I left the hospital so Jason and Lauren could have some time alone with him which is perfectly understandable. That gave us a chance to do some final preparations for his arrival home. We got some little sentimental gifts for Lauren and Jason. That night Brett and I also wrote them letters. It's so hard to try to express your grattitude for something of this magnitude. Brett and I will always feel inadequate for not being able to repay them for the wonderful gift they have given to us.
The following day we went back to the hospital and we were given our own room. I got to feed little Sawyer and it felt so nice. I also got to change his poopy diaper which wasn't so nice! Lauren let me make all of Sawyer's medical decisions such as vaccines, circumcision, etc. One thing that I remembered so well is when Jason let me hold Sawyer and called me his mommy. That felt so good to hear. I could also see that Lauren and Jason were genuinely happy for us. I really didn't want to cause them pain by being around them much because I thought that seeing us would be painful and a reminder of what was to come the next day. I wanted them to enjoy their time with him without us being a distraction. However, I was wrong. They were happy and supporative for us. They liked seeing Sawyer with us. That meant a lot to us. That night Brett and I spent a lot of time with Jason and Lauren alone. I loved that. We talked for hours and just got to really know each other better. We read them our letters and just could feel that they were as grateful for us as we were for them. We talked about the future and hopes for Sawyer. Jason has a love for cooking and has agreed to make Sawyer his first birthday cake. We could not have asked for more perfect birth parents.
On the last day, Sawyer's Aunte Ana brought him a cake and we celebrated Sawyers arrival. We had some friends come and take some cute pictures. As the day went on I could sense sadness coming. Brett and I went to our room and gave them some alone time with Sawyer. While we were in our room I just started crying so hard. I have felt a lot of pain in my life. Having my father die wasn't easy by any means but somehow this was just as painful. I can honestly say I have never in my life felt pain so strongly for another human being. I just knew how hard this had to be for Lauren and Jason and the thought of them hurting was killing me inside. They aren't just Sawyer's birthparents, they are 2 people that we love and respect so much. I had already seen Lauren in so much pain in childbirth and I knew her signing the adoption papers would be more pain. I didn't want her to have anymore pain. I know that she did it all out of love for Sawyer. The love she has for him is so strong and unbreakable. Not many mothers and fathers would do that for their child. I was feeling so guilty, like I was the cause of their pain. I love Sawyer's whole package and that includes the people that gave him life yet I felt like I was the one causing their pain. I was going to get to finally be the happiest I have ever been but at the expense of someone elses happiness. It just didn't seem fair. I talked to the social worker at the hospital and she told me that all those feeling I had were totally normal.
When the time came for me and Brett to sign the papers, we had been told by the social worker that Lauren and Jason could either leave the baby in the nursery and leave the hospital or bring him to us personally. Shortly after we signed them, Lauren, Jason, and Lauren's mother came to our room to bring baby Sawyer. I knew they wouldn't just leave him in the nursery and they didn't. There were lots of tears but no good-byes, just see-ya laters. Lauren picked him up out of his bassinet, her and Jason kissed him, and then handed him to me with tears in their eyes. When they handed him to me I was so overwhelmed with grattitude. I thought back through the past few days and was so grateful for the whole experience. They didn't have to let me in the room for Sawyer's birth, but they did. They didn't have to let me cut the cord, but they did. They didn't have to give me a baby armband, but they did. They were so unselfish through this whole experience and I can't thank them enough.
It's been 5 days since Sawyer's arrival and he is home with us. Brett is holding him right now and we finally feel like a family. Sawyer is the most loved and wanted baby in the whole world. We sometimes just stare at him in unbelief that he is actually here with us. We love this little guy so much and want to cherish every moment. I film everything so I can always remember it and share it with Lauren and Jason. We love it when he smiles at us and when he sleeps. We love feeding him and yes we even love the poopie diapers. We love his hair and his little button nose. We love his long toes and his cute little hands. When I hold him I like him to hold onto my pinkie finger.
I am so grateful for adoption and all the love and support from everyone. Through this whole process there was conformation after conformation that this was the right path for us. I have learned so much from this about love, life, compassion, forgivness, selflessness, and faith. I know the best way we can pay Lauren and Jason back for this selfless act is to raise Sawyer to be a wonderful young man and make them proud. We will try our absolute best. I love you Lauren and Jason. Thanks for taking the road less traveled with us.
If you would like to see Sawyer's story from his birth parents side here it is. Leave them some good comments : )
http://www.adoptionadventuresjl.blogspot.com/
If you would like to see Sawyer's story from his birth parents side here it is. Leave them some good comments : )
http://www.adoptionadventuresjl.blogspot.com/
Friday, November 13, 2009
Adoption is all about love.
The day finally came and I thought it never would. I am going to try to answer all the questions I've been asked over these past few days the best I can. First off I want everyone to know the purpose of this blog is to educate people on the wonderfulness of adoption. Sawyer's birth mom and I feel very passionately that God has led us to each other for many reasons and one being to share our experience with others that may have misunderstandings or negative views of adoption. My blog is open to the world and we hope that maybe we can help a young girl who may be contemplating abortion because she feels there are no other options for her. We figure if we can save at least one babies life, then all this is worth it.
Adoption is all about love. Adoption is also not how it used to be. Lauren and I have decided to do an open adoption over a closed one. The adoption agency we worked through are doing less and less closed adoptions because they found open adoptions to be more beneficial to everyone involved. Closed adoption is when the birth parents sign over their rights with out every meeting their childs new adopted parents and agree to never see the child again. Open adoption is a plan in which the birth parents and adopted parents form a relationship and the birth parents will still be in the childs life. They may not see the child every day but they will get updates, pictures, and videos often and even see the child every now and then. The amount of contact between all the parents is established by them and based on what feels comfortable for everyone. Open adoption has been proven beneficial to help the birth parents and the child because it doesn't leave anybody wondering what if or why and provides closure.
Brett and I wanted to do an open adoption from the very beginning of our journey. We didn't want our child to have any question of why he was placed for adoption or wonder what his birth parents were like. We wanted him to have closure and peace of mind getting answers to all his questions. We attended an adoption conference recently that had a panel of birth mom tell their experiences. All of them did an open adoption and all of them were very much at peace with their decision and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I asked some of them if they regretted their decision and all of them quickly responded 'No, not at all." They knew they couldn't raise their baby they would have liked to and they wanted a better life for their baby. One girl knew that in order for her to raise her child she would have to put her child in day care all day so she could work to support her. The thought of that sickened her. She wanted her child to be raised by 2 loving parents that would give her baby the life he/she deserved. Some people view adoption as an easy way out but in reality it isn't at all.
In order to adopt a child, potential adoptive parents have to be thoroughly interviewed by social workers, have a home study, background checks, FBI fingerprinted, complete medical screening, adoptive parenting conferences,etc. Not just anyone is a good candidate to adopt a child. Brett and I spent about a month filling out paperwork and doing our screenings. They not only want to know about your life but all of your extended families lives also. Another thing you have to do is to create a profile for birthmothers to see. I didn't have to make one because I already knew my birthmother and so it wasn't necessary. Once the adoptive parents are chosen and the birth parents relinquish their rights, the adoptive parents still don't get parental rights. When Lauren and Jason signed over their rights, they signed Sawyer over to the agency. Brett and I are on probation for 6 months after the papers are signed. The agency will come do several check on us to make sure we are bonding with Sawyer and everything is going ok. After 6 months, Brett and I will hire an attorney to finalize the adoption in court and the agency will sign Sawyer over to us. That will be when we can get his name changed and get his social security number and such. Many people have asked me how much everything costs. It all depends on the agency and race of child you are wanting to adopt. I know that sounds crazy. At some agencies, sawyer would have cost anywhere from 30-45 thousand dollars. The agency we used was one a non-profit agency through our church so we were able to get it for a lot less expensive. Since our church does not have a paid ministry, all the tithes goes directly to building churches, helping the needy, adoptions, etc. The fee for our adoption was 10% of our previous years gross earnings and no greater than $10,000. So, even if your a billionaire, the adoption would only cost $10,000 max. The agency pays for all of Laurens medical bills, hospital stay, ect. Anything that has to do with her and the baby they will pay for. If there are complication with the baby after he is born before Lauren relinquished her rights, the adoption agency would pay for his bills; thank goodness he was so healthy : ) Some baby's have cost the agency many many thousands of dollars. If a birthmother changes her mind and decided to parent the child, she would not have to repay the agency a dime. They also provide birthmothers with attorneys if they want one when signing papers free of charge. The birth parents have to wait 48 hours after birth before they can relinquish their rights but once they sign the papers, there is no turning back.
I will write a new blog soon about our hospital experience. It was so spiritually beautiful. I discovered a new type of love for so many people. Keep your comments and questions coming. I will be glad to answer them. Now my son is waking up and needs his momma : )
Adoption is all about love. Adoption is also not how it used to be. Lauren and I have decided to do an open adoption over a closed one. The adoption agency we worked through are doing less and less closed adoptions because they found open adoptions to be more beneficial to everyone involved. Closed adoption is when the birth parents sign over their rights with out every meeting their childs new adopted parents and agree to never see the child again. Open adoption is a plan in which the birth parents and adopted parents form a relationship and the birth parents will still be in the childs life. They may not see the child every day but they will get updates, pictures, and videos often and even see the child every now and then. The amount of contact between all the parents is established by them and based on what feels comfortable for everyone. Open adoption has been proven beneficial to help the birth parents and the child because it doesn't leave anybody wondering what if or why and provides closure.
Brett and I wanted to do an open adoption from the very beginning of our journey. We didn't want our child to have any question of why he was placed for adoption or wonder what his birth parents were like. We wanted him to have closure and peace of mind getting answers to all his questions. We attended an adoption conference recently that had a panel of birth mom tell their experiences. All of them did an open adoption and all of them were very much at peace with their decision and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I asked some of them if they regretted their decision and all of them quickly responded 'No, not at all." They knew they couldn't raise their baby they would have liked to and they wanted a better life for their baby. One girl knew that in order for her to raise her child she would have to put her child in day care all day so she could work to support her. The thought of that sickened her. She wanted her child to be raised by 2 loving parents that would give her baby the life he/she deserved. Some people view adoption as an easy way out but in reality it isn't at all.
In order to adopt a child, potential adoptive parents have to be thoroughly interviewed by social workers, have a home study, background checks, FBI fingerprinted, complete medical screening, adoptive parenting conferences,etc. Not just anyone is a good candidate to adopt a child. Brett and I spent about a month filling out paperwork and doing our screenings. They not only want to know about your life but all of your extended families lives also. Another thing you have to do is to create a profile for birthmothers to see. I didn't have to make one because I already knew my birthmother and so it wasn't necessary. Once the adoptive parents are chosen and the birth parents relinquish their rights, the adoptive parents still don't get parental rights. When Lauren and Jason signed over their rights, they signed Sawyer over to the agency. Brett and I are on probation for 6 months after the papers are signed. The agency will come do several check on us to make sure we are bonding with Sawyer and everything is going ok. After 6 months, Brett and I will hire an attorney to finalize the adoption in court and the agency will sign Sawyer over to us. That will be when we can get his name changed and get his social security number and such. Many people have asked me how much everything costs. It all depends on the agency and race of child you are wanting to adopt. I know that sounds crazy. At some agencies, sawyer would have cost anywhere from 30-45 thousand dollars. The agency we used was one a non-profit agency through our church so we were able to get it for a lot less expensive. Since our church does not have a paid ministry, all the tithes goes directly to building churches, helping the needy, adoptions, etc. The fee for our adoption was 10% of our previous years gross earnings and no greater than $10,000. So, even if your a billionaire, the adoption would only cost $10,000 max. The agency pays for all of Laurens medical bills, hospital stay, ect. Anything that has to do with her and the baby they will pay for. If there are complication with the baby after he is born before Lauren relinquished her rights, the adoption agency would pay for his bills; thank goodness he was so healthy : ) Some baby's have cost the agency many many thousands of dollars. If a birthmother changes her mind and decided to parent the child, she would not have to repay the agency a dime. They also provide birthmothers with attorneys if they want one when signing papers free of charge. The birth parents have to wait 48 hours after birth before they can relinquish their rights but once they sign the papers, there is no turning back.
I will write a new blog soon about our hospital experience. It was so spiritually beautiful. I discovered a new type of love for so many people. Keep your comments and questions coming. I will be glad to answer them. Now my son is waking up and needs his momma : )
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Anytime now : )
Here he is. He is almost ready to meet the world. I guess he didn't want to be a halloween baby afterall. My guess is that he will come on the 3rd of November. Sawyer's birthmother is going to pop if he stays in there much longer : )She has another doctor's appt. monday. Hopefully he will have some good news for everyone.
Lacii Smith and Shadi Smith threw me a baby shower last weekend and Sawyer got lots of great stuff. Here was the yummy yummy cake. Leslie and Lindsey did a great job designing and decorating it. I will post more pictures of the shower later.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sawyer's Milk Donor - Lucy
I had heard that adoptive mothers can sometimes breast feed their adopted babies if they take a hormone called domperidone. As soon as I heard this I was at my doctor's office as fast as I could so I could start taking the drug and get a milk supply going. At the doctor's office I was told that this drug is no longer approved in the United States and if I wanted it I would have to get it from Canada. This was a devastating blow to me. I have a career in the medical field and so I know how beneficial breastmilk is for babies. I was feeling so sad that I would not be able to provide something so nutritional to my future little baby. I called around to various mother's milk banks to see how much it would cost to purchase it and I was told it would be about $4.50 per OZ. That is crazy expensive. There is nothing wrong with formula feeding, it's just that I know how much healthier babies are when they are able to aquire antibodies in mother's milk that is not in formula. I am very big on natural or organic foods as well. I also didn't want to ask Sawyer's birth mother for it because I know how hard it would be for her still being in high school all day every day and I thought it might be hard emotionally for her also. She's already giving me the greatest gift I've ever wanted, I can't be greedy.
We became friends on facebook and myspace and she has taught me so much about motherhood and babies. She would send me updates on how much she pumped and so I knew I was going to need a bigger freezer to put it all in. Brett and I had a deep freeze that my mother had given us when she moved and I had just given it away about 2 weeks earlier. It had sat in my garage for a couple years and we never even turned it on so we gave it to someone who would use it. I was mad at myself for doing that but there was nothing I could do. I went back to craigslist to see if anyone in the area was selling a deep freeze for a reasonable price. No Luck. We looked online and went to different appliance centers to find one within our budget. No Luck. After a long day of searching with still no luck we just gave up and decided to spend the money and get a brand new one again. We were on our way home when I heard from a long time friend, Sarah Vickers that I hadn't heard from in a while. She was wanting to sell the deep freeze in her garage to buy a new laptop for school!! I couldn't believe it. It was small like we wanted and in perfect condition! We got a great deal on it too. I was again so grateful.
It has been over 2 months since Lucy has started donating to me and my freezer is filling up quickly with food for my baby. She has donated me over 732 oz's of milk so far. That is enough to feed Sawyer for a whole month straight on breast milk alone. I never ever thought she would be willing to donate me so much. I was thinking she would maybe donate me a few bags that I could give to him one feeding a month for some antibodies here and there, but never this much. She will never ever know how much this means to me. I thank God for her every day. I know it is a lot of hard work and sacrifice on her part. She has been my reminder that there are still some very good people out there. I think I needed to feel the sadness and guilt of not being able to provide milk for Sawyer for a reason. I had to know what it felt like so I make sure I help someone else not feel that same way someday. If I ever give birth to a child, I will definitely pay it forward as Lucy has done for me. I'm sure my little baby won't mind sharing his lunch with someone else just like Lucy's Kacen has shared his lunch with Sawyer. Lucy may not realize it, but I will always consider her a very dear friend. We were total strangers and now she will be a part of my life and Sawyer's life forever.
One night I was at work and I was feeling particularly sad about not being able to provide this for him and I thought to myself, if I was to ever miraculously give birth to a child, I would find an adoptive mother or a mother that was unable to breastfeed and I would donate my milk to her. That thought would not escape my mind and it replayed itself over and over. To some women it probably would not have mattered if their child had formula or breastmilk, but to me it does matter. Missy Booker, one of my co-workers, noticed my gloominess and asked me what was going on. I told her my dilema and she brought up a very good point. Suppose there was someone out there that felt the same way I did about breastmilk for my baby that would be willing to donate to me. I knew their had to be but where the heck would I find someone like that. It's not something you just randomly ask someone. Then I didn't know if she was joking or not, but Missy suggested I look on craigslist. My first thought was NO WAY! I can't feed my baby someone's milk that I don't even know. There are way to many crazies out there and I didn't want Sawyer to get some kind of disease. Missy encouraged me to just give it a shot and look anyways. So I did and guess what, I found what I was looking for.
It was an add posted in big letters saying "DONATING Breast Milk". I couldn't believe my eyes. The add was posted by a lovely girl name Lucy Eades. She had donated to a family once before that had adopted a baby and now she wanted to do it again after she had her 2nd child. She had already been a regular milk donor to the Mother's Milk Bank of North Texas so she had already been screened, tested, and approved to do so. She also included that she was a non-drinker, non-smoker, and non-drug user. When asked why she would donate, her reply was, "I am very passionate about pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. Besides why not help a baby in need if I can?" Lucy produces crazy amounts of breast milk and has an over active let down. Her son refuses all bottles and so all the extra milk she makes she donates. It was kind of late when I found her ad and so I was anxious to call her the next day. She had just posted the add 5 days earlier.
I called her the next day and left her a message. She called me back a little later and we talked for a while. I told her I was adopting a baby and I told her how I felt about wishing I could have breastfed my little baby. She made it clear in her add that she would not donate to just anyone so I even wondered if she would do it for me. I don't know if she could just sense my desperation or what, but she told me she would donate to me. All I had to do was send her the bags to fill. She didn't want any money. I was so relieved and extremely grateful at the same time.
We became friends on facebook and myspace and she has taught me so much about motherhood and babies. She would send me updates on how much she pumped and so I knew I was going to need a bigger freezer to put it all in. Brett and I had a deep freeze that my mother had given us when she moved and I had just given it away about 2 weeks earlier. It had sat in my garage for a couple years and we never even turned it on so we gave it to someone who would use it. I was mad at myself for doing that but there was nothing I could do. I went back to craigslist to see if anyone in the area was selling a deep freeze for a reasonable price. No Luck. We looked online and went to different appliance centers to find one within our budget. No Luck. After a long day of searching with still no luck we just gave up and decided to spend the money and get a brand new one again. We were on our way home when I heard from a long time friend, Sarah Vickers that I hadn't heard from in a while. She was wanting to sell the deep freeze in her garage to buy a new laptop for school!! I couldn't believe it. It was small like we wanted and in perfect condition! We got a great deal on it too. I was again so grateful.
It has been over 2 months since Lucy has started donating to me and my freezer is filling up quickly with food for my baby. She has donated me over 732 oz's of milk so far. That is enough to feed Sawyer for a whole month straight on breast milk alone. I never ever thought she would be willing to donate me so much. I was thinking she would maybe donate me a few bags that I could give to him one feeding a month for some antibodies here and there, but never this much. She will never ever know how much this means to me. I thank God for her every day. I know it is a lot of hard work and sacrifice on her part. She has been my reminder that there are still some very good people out there. I think I needed to feel the sadness and guilt of not being able to provide milk for Sawyer for a reason. I had to know what it felt like so I make sure I help someone else not feel that same way someday. If I ever give birth to a child, I will definitely pay it forward as Lucy has done for me. I'm sure my little baby won't mind sharing his lunch with someone else just like Lucy's Kacen has shared his lunch with Sawyer. Lucy may not realize it, but I will always consider her a very dear friend. We were total strangers and now she will be a part of my life and Sawyer's life forever. My message to all breast feeding moms: Next time you look at your healthy little bundle of joy, the same one that looks into your eyes every time you feed him/her and then falls asleep from the full belly you gave them, remember us adoptive mothers. I know I'm not the only woman out there that has had to feel like they are starting off motherhood not being able to provide something so nutritious for our little baby. We wish we could. We wish we could have peace of mind knowing that our little one could go to the grocery store or a meet and greet and not worry so much about our baby getting sick from having a weaker immune system. If it wasn't for Lucy's generosity, I would still feel that same sadness. Lucky for me, I don't anymore. Thanks Lucy : )
Monday, October 19, 2009
Adoption Story Part III- Getting ready for Baby!
We soon found out that the baby was going to be a BOY!!! We were so excited. We could now call him a he instead of baby. Now he just needed a name. We narrowed it down to Jonas, Sawyer, and Liam. We wanted his birth parents to pick his middle name if they would like to. A name is something that stays with you forever so we wanted his name to have a beautiful meaning behind it from his birth parents and adopted parents. Brett and I experimented each name a different day to see what just seemed to fit the best. We finally agreed that Sawyer would be his name. We both always liked the name and we liked that it was kind of unique. His birth parents thought long and hard about what name they were going to pick for his middle name. Finally they came up with JONUS. It was a name that we were considering to name him only spelled differently. Jonus is a mixture of letters from both their names. I thought that was cute and clever. 
The first thing we bought baby Sawyer was a huge 5ft stuffed giraffe. Brett and I have always been animal lovers so we wanted his room to be an African Safari theme. His room was so fun decorating. We didn't want anything too cutesie either. I took a pen to paper and started to do some sketches. I wanted some stimulating colors with artistic flair. I got my design and just started painting away. It was so different being able to shop for baby stuff for ourselves this time. I didn't even know where to begin. We bought a crib and put it together the second we got it. I ordered his bedding and made his little bed and put extra pillows under his bed for the dogs to lay on. It took us about a month to get his room all done and when it was finished we were so excited. His book shelves are full of books and toys just ready to be put to use. Brett and I go in there sometimes and just sit with the dogs for no reason. Sawyer's birth mother is so wonderful about making me feel like I am experiencing the pregnancy with her. She tells me about his hiccups and tries to describe what they felt like. She told me about how when he heard certian music or when she would read to him he would be really still like he was trying to listen. She would send me pictures of her pregnant belly and tell me how she was feeling at different times. Her and I talk often and she tells me about things going on in her life. What is really weird is that my body started changing with hers. I think her hormones were rubbing off on me. My mind is telling my body that something is about to happen. I really enjoy talking to her and everytime I do it just makes my day. It's definately a perk to having an open adoption.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Adoption Story Part II- Could It Be??
Shortly after I got off the phone with the social worker, I talked to one of my good friends and co-worker Jamie Adams. I told her about our decision to adopt and she was really excited for us. Well, she went and told another co-worker of ours about our exciting news and this co-worker just so happened to have a daughter that was looking for a home for her baby. She and her boyfriend were already working with an adoption agency but had not yet selected parents for their baby. Within a week from the time that we decided to adopt, this co-worker called me one night and asked me if we were really pursuing adoption. I told her definitely " YES". God works in mysterious ways... doesn't he? We talked for a while and she said she would talk to her daughter and get back with me. She asked if we had made a profile yet through the adoption agency we were using and I told her I didn't but I did have a facebook that she could view if she would like. My heart was pacing about a million beats a minute. Was this really happening? Could this be the reason why I couldn't go through with the invitro fertilization? I didn't want to get my hopes up so I kept an open mind about things. That night I let things sink in for a while. The feelings were overwhelming. It felt so good and I felt a sense of sadness relief for the first time in a long time. I didn't know if it was going to work out with her daughter and us but I did feel more confident that this was the route we were supposed to be on. It was time for me to take my foot off that door I had be forcing shut for so long.
She talked to her daughter and told her about us and she went and looked at our facebook. At gladney they told her when she saw the couple for their baby, they would know. Her and her boyfriend wanted to meet us but her mother wanted them to look at other profiles just to make sure we were the ones they wanted to meet. I told her the agency we were using and the agency provided her with hundreds of profiles to look at. They didn't really like any of them. After some time went by we started messaging each other on facebook so we could really get to know one another. We asked lots of questions and were completely honest with each other. We saw pictures of each other and over some time got to know each other pretty well. Finally we decided it was time to meet. I was SO nervous to meet them!
I knew a lot was riding on this meeting. We decided to meet in a public place to do something fun... kind of like a double date thing. Before I went to meet them, I did some research from blogs of people that were adopted. They listed a bunch of questions that they wish they knew about their birth parents. I didn't quite understand why they would want to know answers to some of those questions because some were pretty odd but later I understood why. It was my back-up plan to break the ice if there was some quiet time. Finally that day comes, June 30th, 2009. That is a day I will never forget. We decided to meet at main event in Fort Worth, Texas and then we would leave from there to get some dinner.
When I first saw them, my first thought was how cute they were. I could feel love for them already starting to grow. They got in our car and were really quite at first. We first acknowledged that we were all nervous and decided to get over it so it wouldn't ruin our night. We asked lots of questions and they asked lots of questions and we got to know each other well. I even asked them some questions from my list I brought. I remember on question in particular that really stood out. It was what their favorite smell was. Her answer was the smell of old books. She liked to open them and get a whiff of the insides. I thought that was a unique answer but I know one day if we are the parents of their child and we saw him sniffing books we would know where he got it from. After dinner and some bowling we decided to go to The Purple Cow for some dessert. On the way there they were texting people on their phones. Later we found out they were texting each other. We went inside and sat down and ordered our milkshakes and they asked us some more in-depth questions. Finally they looked at each other and then looked at us and asked us if we would be the parents of their unborn baby. Brett and I were both in shock I think. I could feel my eyes welling with tears and the inside of me wanting to do cartwheels right then and there. I couldn't speak. These two people just told us the best news we have ever heard and I couldn't think of the words to say. We eventually told them we would LOVE to be the parents of their child. That was one of the best days of our lives. I felt so lucky and honored that they would choose us. Why us? I'm not sure. I am just ever so grateful that they did. They gave us something to have hope for. We had forgotten what that felt like.
Shortly after they blessed us with that wonderful news, her dad came to pick them up. We hugged and said good-byes but really it was just the beginning. When they left, Brett and I just sat in the restaurant and cried. We were just so happy. I don't think they will ever know how grateful we are. We even got to take home a menu from the diner to always remember that extra special day. Later that evening we started texting each other back and forth and our relationship just grew.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Our Adoption Story
After many years of hurt, frustration, and what we thought were unanswered prayers, our lives are about to change in a way that I thought may never be possible. Many years we struggled with infertility. It was disappointment followed by devastation over and over again. We spent thousands of dollars and went to numerous doctors to try to figure out why we were unable to have a child. Every doctor we went to told us the same thing, "You both are perfectly normal and healthy". We had every blood test possible, many different radiologic procedures, and I even had surgery to try to explain this problem. Yes, Surgery! They have to rule out EVERYTHING and they did. We went to different fertility specialist and tried different procedures and they all failed. We decided we would save up the $10000 dollars and have our final attempt and trying to become parents. The doctor we met with was one of the top 10 in the nation so we had high hopes. He has an 85% success rate and that was awesome. We set a date to start taking the hormones and we were excited to try this new journey together. When that day came, I had a really bad feeling about it. I was so confused. I couldn't understand why I had these feelings after wanting this for so long. I prayed long and hard about it but the answer was still NO. We decided we would put it off for another month and see how I felt about things then. When a month passed and it was time to start taking those hormones, the sick feeling came back. I was so frustrated and mad! "Why now", I thought. Brett and my mother tried to convince me I was just getting cold feet but I knew it wasn't just that. I was so sad and felt absolutely hopeless. It wasn't fair. One night I was extremely upset about passing up my opportunity to do this because it just didn't make any sense. I kept flashing back to 2 weeks earlier when my sweet cousin brought over a little girl that she babysits that was adopted. I looked at this darling little girl and thought how lucky she was that she gets to have such a wonderful life all thanks to a loving birth mother that wanted her to have a life she couldn't give her. Then I started thinking about all the tons of children that need homes. I had to decide if what I wanted was to be pregnant or be a mother and the answer was, to be a mother. Then it came to me, I knew we needed to adopt a child.
We always talked about adoption, even while we were dating. We just thought it would be later on down the road. All those years of trying to get pregnant I knew that adoption was an option but it was not a path I was ready to go down. I viewed adoption as giving up and an admission of failure on our part. I was uneducated on the subject and so I fought the idea. I had my foot pushed firmly against that door. I didn't know if it was because I was afraid of the unknown or if the thought of the millions of obstacles I would have to face to adopt intimidated me. I still not sure what it was that led me to have the change within that I needed to decide to adopt. Was it just time, was it just defeat, or was it God helping me see things through a whole new window? What ever it was, I am indeed grateful for.
The very next day after we got the courage to start our adoption journey, I started checking out various adoption agencies. It's amazing how expensive some agencies are. When I found a good, promising agency we scheduled a time to meet with a social worker to help us finally become a family. On the phone with him I asked him how long it usually takes a couple to find a match with birth parents. He told me usually around 2-4 years! I was so sad to hear that but I wasn't just going to give up. I was full of strength and I was going to find a way to make us a family even if it was going to take us 4 years. He also told me sometimes people find their own birth parent by getting the word out to everyone they know and that might know somebody who is looking for a good family for their baby. I just knew that if and when it's meant to be, it will happen.
Right away we decided we were going to immerse ourselves in adoption and learn as much as we can about it. We decided from the beginning we wanted birth parents that we could relate to. We wanted them to know the real us. Not some doctored photos and cliché profile. We wanted them to know the un-edited true Brett and Candace. We also wanted to do an open adoption. I did a lot of research and found open adoption to be to most happy and healthy for all parties involved. I didn't ever want our baby to have unanswered questions. I also couldn't bare the thought of a birth mother always wondering if she made the right decision and never getting any closure. I didn't want her to wonder every time she sees a child in the grocery store if that could possibly be the child she gave up. To us, we see adoption as a very self-less thing. For birth parents to give up a child so their baby can have a better life is the absolute most loving, self-less thing in the world. How do we have the right to be selfish with the baby she gives us?
We always talked about adoption, even while we were dating. We just thought it would be later on down the road. All those years of trying to get pregnant I knew that adoption was an option but it was not a path I was ready to go down. I viewed adoption as giving up and an admission of failure on our part. I was uneducated on the subject and so I fought the idea. I had my foot pushed firmly against that door. I didn't know if it was because I was afraid of the unknown or if the thought of the millions of obstacles I would have to face to adopt intimidated me. I still not sure what it was that led me to have the change within that I needed to decide to adopt. Was it just time, was it just defeat, or was it God helping me see things through a whole new window? What ever it was, I am indeed grateful for.
The very next day after we got the courage to start our adoption journey, I started checking out various adoption agencies. It's amazing how expensive some agencies are. When I found a good, promising agency we scheduled a time to meet with a social worker to help us finally become a family. On the phone with him I asked him how long it usually takes a couple to find a match with birth parents. He told me usually around 2-4 years! I was so sad to hear that but I wasn't just going to give up. I was full of strength and I was going to find a way to make us a family even if it was going to take us 4 years. He also told me sometimes people find their own birth parent by getting the word out to everyone they know and that might know somebody who is looking for a good family for their baby. I just knew that if and when it's meant to be, it will happen.
Right away we decided we were going to immerse ourselves in adoption and learn as much as we can about it. We decided from the beginning we wanted birth parents that we could relate to. We wanted them to know the real us. Not some doctored photos and cliché profile. We wanted them to know the un-edited true Brett and Candace. We also wanted to do an open adoption. I did a lot of research and found open adoption to be to most happy and healthy for all parties involved. I didn't ever want our baby to have unanswered questions. I also couldn't bare the thought of a birth mother always wondering if she made the right decision and never getting any closure. I didn't want her to wonder every time she sees a child in the grocery store if that could possibly be the child she gave up. To us, we see adoption as a very self-less thing. For birth parents to give up a child so their baby can have a better life is the absolute most loving, self-less thing in the world. How do we have the right to be selfish with the baby she gives us?
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