2012 has had a lot of ups and downs for us. It was a very difficult year in terms of moving, readjusting, grieving, growing, learning, and self-discovery. I have learned so much and I am finally in a place where I feel I can comfortably grow and be my best self yet. 2013 is my year. Bring it on ;-) Before I leave 2012 there are a few things I wish to leave behind. Things that I let consume me and bring me down too long.
1) Guilt. Guilt is something I am so tired of struggling with. Some would say that the kind of guilt I have is a good kind of guilt and that it's because I love my Birth Families so much that I have it. My guilt is the guilt of being the Mom while my boys Birth Families miss out on so much. The guilt of feeling like its my responsibility to make sure that they are always happy because I get to benefit so much from what is paining them. Anytime they are sad or depressed I have programmed my brain to automatically think it is because of our adoption plans or because I did something that upset them.... most of the time it isn't at all. I care SO much about them and I crave to know my Birth Moms are at peace with their decision and happy. They both have told me several times that they are :-) It is time for me to stop feeling like the bad guy and to fully embrace this divine role. The way I hurt for them does NOT reflect how much I love them. I love them so much more! I do trust my boys Birth Moms and in doing so I need to also trust that if they have a need that I can help with, that they will let me know. That if I did unintentionally do something that hurt them that we are secure enough in our relationship to talk about it. I love our open adoptions so much but it time to squash the guilt. Squashing it doesn't mean I quit caring about their hearts, it just means I'm replacing a negative energy with a positive one... like gratitude :-)
2) Caring so much about what other people think. I am not perfect and I worry about everything. My house gets messy, my laundry piles up, and yes.... my kids do get crusty boogers on their shirts. My kids are getting older, making more messes, and if it means they are having a fantastic time then let the piles get bigger. For a lot of people in my social circle, our adoption plans are the only one they know of...especially for an open adoption. I have put my life on display for the world to see and I always wanted people to get a good impression of how beautiful adoption really is. However many times I felt like people were "observing" my parenting or "studying" my boys as if to see if they were truly happy or if I was truly cut out for the job of being their Mommy. If someone thinks I'm a crappy Mom or has a problem with my being alive then thats their problem. I need to get over it... boogers on clothes are cool!
3) I am allowed to vent sometimes. Venting does not mean I am ungrateful. There are some out there that think that I should never be allowed to have bad parenting days or never complain about anything that has to do with my kids or being a Mom. My youngest son just went through 10 months of severe colic. Any one that has ever had a colicy child knows there are days where you just need a break. My oldest son is in the terrible 3's and woah!! it came out of nowhere. I love my kids so incredibly much but having time to recharge my batteries and clear my head makes me a better Mom to them. I shouldn't feel guilty for that just because my Motherhood came to me differently.
4) Feeling Enough. I struggle with wondering if I am a good enough Mom to my boys. A good enough wife to my husband. I wonder if I live up to the type of Mother my boys birth parents thought I would be when they chose me to be their childs Mother. I sure hope so. My boys are so loved by so many and while their Birth Parents may not be around every day, I do my best to love them for the both of us.
5) Really Feeling Like Mom. For me feeling like Mom took some time. Being Mom wasn't something I felt like I could just take away from their Birth Moms but more so something I need to wait till they could give it to me.... when THEY were ready. They were the first Mom. They carried their babies for 9 months and just because they gave birth and delicately handed their babies to me didn't mean their motherhood ended the second the adoption papers were signed. Some may see it as an end but I didn't. Being their first Mom, they made a lot of decisions for their baby while they were Mom. One of the hugest and hardest decisions they made as their Mother was choosing an adoption plan for them. They suffered tremendously after they left the hospital. Any Mother would. They put their own feelings aside for the sake of their child.... as any Mother would. For me feeling like Mom happened when they sustained me as Mom. For one Birth Mom she sustained me as Mom at the hospital when my son was born and for the other Birth Mom it took more time than that. I do not feel that there is only room for one person to be Mom in my boys lives. They still love my boys as a Mom would and still care about them as a Mom would. I love it!! In my eyes they are still Moms. It is something we all embrace in different ways and in different roles. I am Mom and their Birth Mom's are their Birth Moms. Together we are Motherhood :-) Even though they have both fully sustained me as Mom, I still have struggles in different ways. When my youngest son had the colic, I really questioned my role as his Mom. I saw him cry nonstop it seemed for years and had no idea why. I felt like as his Mother I should have been more in tune with his needs to be able to soothe him and make him happy when really I was clueless on what to do. I felt like I failed at that part when in reality there was nothing that could have been done. It was just something he needed to outgrow. I interpreted his crying as his hatred to me and it took a little longer to bond with him that I'd hoped. However... GOOD NEWS... he is a much happier baby now and every day we grow stronger and stronger.
6) It's ok to be 30 :-( I am dreading it. I turn 30 in July and I just feel sad about it. Woe is me... blah blah blah.
7)Loving Myself More. I am very hard on myself and quite critical. I need to shut up and be nicer to Sawyer and Jamison's Mommy... and Brett's Wifeeee!! I do plan on exercising more and getting in shape. My body feels polluted and I wanna feel more alive!!
8) Try More Home Cooking. I love having dinner with my family at the dinner table every night. I get comfortable with certain meals and make them over and over. I'm going to spread my wings and try new foods :-) NomNOmNOM!
9) Be a Better Friend/Listener. It is hard for me to pursue a friendship. I am a deep thinker and tend to be drawn to other deep thinkers. I tell myself that nobody could ever understand my life so therefore I don't have time to invest in a short lived superficial relationship. I need to stop being a weirdo and embrace what a new friendship could become. Maybe we could be united by our differences :-)
10) Letting Go of Pain. It's time. There are things in my life I have held on to farrrr to long. There are trials I've had that were the worst hell of my life and I've held a grudge for farrrr to long. There are things I've done that I deeply regret and it's time to forgive myself. Things I've took for granted and things I wish I could do over. Enough is enough and these bad things will no longer define me. I am not broken.... I never was. It's taken me a long time but I can finally see why some of the painful things were so necessary. I've grown in ways that I could never imagine... and then some. Goodbye crappy times.
Ahhhh.....I already feel better :-)
Bonus) Be a Better Wife. I am going to strive to be the best wife I've ever been. I love my hubby so much and appreciate all he has done for our little family. I am such a lucky woman and he deserves to be a lucky Man.
Like I said... 2013 is my year :-)
