All because of what tomorrow will bring: Preston starts 1st Grade. Rebekah begins her Pre-Kindergarten year of Preschool. And I feel a little bit lost. Somehow I always imagined myself doing this part of my life (staying at home all.day.long with little kids) for many many years. How is it that I already have to share my time with them with "other" people? Preston will officially spend more of his waking hours away from home than at home each week day :( I hope he is ready . . . and . . . I hope I am ready. What am I to do with this time I have without my children? And how do I make the best use of my time that I do have with them? Of course I will enjoy the "break"-- I am not really talking about that. I think I am just shocked that this is where we are. I feel miserable and joyful at the same time. I am so glad they are growing, improving, and gaining independence. I am just sad when I think of how I will feel when they are all grown up and gone. I keep thinking of the oldies song my sisters and I learned to sing for my Great Grandmother's ninetieth birthday celebration:
"Where are you going my little one, little one, where are you going my baby my own? Turn around and you're two, turn around and you're four, turn around and you're a young [child] going out of the door."
Turn Around Written by: Harry Belafonte, Alan Greene & Malvina Reynolds
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| Where did they go?! |
I am almost out of the "very young children" phase and it makes me nostalgic and sad. These have been very fantastic and very difficult years. I will treasure them forever. I am sad that in many ways they are gone. It is no longer possible for me to forget what day of the week it is, or sleep until everyone has had enough "collective" rest (sleeping in was gone the minute I had Preston!) I am no longer in charge of dressing them (I barely get to influence what clothes they wear--I am sure that is going to be gone soon too!) I don't need to spoon every bite of food into their little mouths, they no longer enjoy books and toys they once loved, and they have long since stopped their daily naps. They no longer rush to me for comfort with each and every scraped knee, and they are starting to disbelieve the magic of my kisses. They don't need me to walk the balance beam, or push their swings, or steady their bicycles. They can reach every high surface, unlock every door, and open any container. But-- despite what they tell me-- {"I don't even need a Mom and I don't like you!"} I know that they DO still need me--they just need me differently now than they did then. And oh how I need them!
I need those early morning snuggles and the magic that happens when we read storybooks together. I need those little chats we have each night as I tuck them into bed, and I need to sing those lullabies as long as they will let me sing. I need all of those hugs and kisses, and being told that I am loved bigger than the whole solar system or more than all the grass blades in the world. I need them to reach for my hand when they feel a little afraid, because nine times out of ten I am feeling the same way. I need them to remind me of my own nothingness before God--to remind me to humble my heart because I really need His help so desperately to be able to raise them the way He would have me do so. I need these children to be those perfect examples of being quick to forgive. I still need to learn from their unquestioning and total faith--a simple and pure faith. They only know how to love with their whole hearts and minds-- I need to master this too. And finally, I need them because they encourage me to find joy in the simple things; to take courage in the challenging things. And now I have two big pieces of my heart walking around outside my body--going places I physically cannot accompany them every moment. There really are not words to express the deapth of all of the feelings I have for them. They are everything to me. I earnestly pray for their well being in every area of their lives. I plead for strength, inspiration, and confidence in my role as their Mother. My family is my greatest treasure. I am so thankful to be eternally bound to them. After all-- we have eternity if we will live for the promised blessings. And that means my time with my children will never truly be "over".
