The Business of Baby

Dad,

One year ago today, you left us for good. Leaving us completely broken-hearted. Life is not the same without you, and never will be. We miss you everyday - the sound of your voice, your smile and good advice.  I have no one to to call when my faucet leaks or my car makes funny noises or I need advice on the myriad issues that come up in life. You always had the answers.  My world feels unbalanced - as if the very foundation is gone. 

We have grieved the past year, but we have also grown. You will be proud of us, particularly of Mom. You always managed the finances and things in the house. It has been a huge learning curve for her, but with our help she is now paying bills online, pumping gas in the car, learning about her finances and Medicare plans, etc. 

The year was tough, but as it draws to a close and we mark the one year of your passing, I have a sense of peace and acceptance. I have a strong feeling that you want us to move past the pain and focus on the future. Beanie has been home on break and we have spend everyday hanging out and having a good time. During this time, I felt you smiling down at us. I realized that our being happy is the best way to honor you.

Mom, Beanie and I went to church this morning, sat for a while and lit a candle in your memory. It was emotional but we left with  renewed energy. In the evening we had dinner at your place with the rest of the family. We got food from Pan.da Ex.press - your favorite :-) 

I remembered the last time you and I were together was going to PE about a week before you went into the hospital. I was going to pick up dinner and asked you to come with me for a drive. On the drive that night, I asked how you were doing since you had started your new oral drugs. You said you were doing okay but you wished you did not have to deal with the cancer and the back issues together. I told you how sorry I was that you were going through all that and what a wonderful a Dad you were, how everyone you met loved you and how you went through several tough times in life with no fuss. Looking back, its strange that I said all those things to you that evening, but I am glad I did since we never had the opportunity later.

We will miss you each and everyday, Dad, but we will remember you not with sadness, but by focussing on the lovely memories we have.

You will always be our guardian angel. Love you to the moon and back, Dad.

It was a very different Thanksgiving this year.

Last year the whole family was together - my Dad, my Mom, my sister and her husband and kids and Beanie and I. It was a lovely evening with my Sis cooking the big dinner. My Dad was doing good and I remember he ate well and we were all thankful that his treatments were over, and he would soon be starting his new oral medication.Things were looking hopeful.

It was our last family get-together :-(

This year we enter the holiday season with a lot of sadness. 

My niece and nephew were unable to make it home, and my Sis did not want to have a big dinner. She told me she wanted to keep the memory of how past Thanksgiving used to be. I offered to have it at my place simply because Beanie wanted to celebrate TG. At first that was the plan, but then it changed with my Sis and BIL going to meet my niece, leaving just me, my Mom and Beanie.

We decided to go for lunch to Cracker Barrel. They serve a fairly decent TG lunch, so that it what we did. Beanie hated the food so had a sad face throughout which did not help and quite weepy by the end of it since the pumpkin pie had almond flour, so she could not eat it. I had anticipated that may be the case, so had a small pie at home for her, but still there were tears and "feeling sad". I personally think in her own little way she missed my Dad and did not know how to express herself.

So, that was Thanksgiving. Not to mention I had my annual weeks long cold which turned into a ear infection. Fun!

Now on to Christmas.

Last year on Christmas day, I was in ICU holding my Dad's hand, dreading what was to come.

None of us want to celebrate Christmas this year.

My sister is not doing decorations, nor Christmas at her home even though her kids are coming home. We are not doing gift exchanges for the adults, just for the three kids. Well my sister's kids are adults, but you get the drift.

Beanie, being a 6 year old, is super excited and so I have to muster the courage to do it all for her. I know my Dad would want me to.

So, up went the Christmas tree and the lights yesterday. She is jumping and happy while I am broken and sad inside.

Since my niece and nephew (+ his girlfriend) will be in town we are planning to spend Christmas at my sister's lake house. It will be nice to get away for a day or two and we will eat out at a restaurant therefore, no cooking. Plus the Lakehouse will not have any Christmas decor.

We will head there on the 25th late morning. Beanie will get her Santa gift at our house under the tree. We will do the family gift exchange at the lake house. That is the tentative plan so far.

Today, I was to take Beanie for her Santa pics and sleigh ride, but it was very cold. Thankfully they re-scheduled for Thursday when we will have more seasonal temps.

I have got a head start on Beanie's gifts this year, so that is good!