I will probably catch a little flak on this posting, but - oh well. Here it goes.
Years ago my pet peeve were mothers who would halt a phone conversation every few sentences in order to talk with (or yell at) their small children.
Continuously. At times I would wonder if it would matter to them if I just hung up - and at times I
did. It was exasperating and frustrating trying to carry on a conversation.
Interrupting adult conversations was something I would
never have done growing up. That was a
big no-no.
Now, decades later, in the world of iPhones and computers and instant communication, I find that a good many mothers will also insist on texting nonstop back and forth to their children while I am trying to socialize with them.
I may as well be having lunch by myself.
I can understand a mother's
need to know her children are safe but - why the need for the constant stream of texting going back and forth - are umbilical bonds not yet cut? I swear, if
this game were being played, I would always win, hands down.
When my niece lived with me for three years while attending University, she enjoyed a freedom she could never have had living at home. I didn't feel it was necessary to know every move she made around the city. She was a wonderful gal and I trusted her judgement. She is now an accomplished, mature young woman with a master's degree and a great job with a lot of responsibility. No harm done.
During the New Year's weekend, my husband's sister and husband were here with their two kids. The son went snowboarding, while the daughter accompanied us as we toured around the City.
Instead of coming with us for the Grand City Tour, my husband's sister
chose to stay on the mountain and sit in the ski lodge the
entire time whilst the son snowboarded - because she didn't know if he would be ok by himself on the mountain. I couldn't figure out whether she felt he would be kidnapped or somehow in danger....
I explained to her that he would not
actually be by himself on the crowded ski hill - and I even loaned him my cell phone so he could send her reassuring texts if needed.
It wasn't good enough. She wanted to
be there *
just in case*........hovering around.
You are probably thinking -
well that's a responsible parent.....
except - This "kid" is 20 years old!
In our province, he is old enough to have been legally drinking for a year. At his age, I was living on my own and travelling to Europe.....getting ready to buy my first house....
all by myself.
I just don't understand it. Some will say it's because I am not a parent.
At 20 years old backpacked through Europe for a month with a girlfriend of mine. I didn't phone my mother the
entire time.
Phones were expensive and scarce and communication service in the parts of Europe we went to was sketchy anyway. I didn't have the money to spare to make that call - today's equivalent of $50 for a five minute call - if you could get a line out.
There were no "cell phones" or "email" or anything else for contacting family in emergencies. When we jumped off the overnight train from Italy to Germany to catch a train connection into France while our forgotten passports carried on up north with the train - we had to problem solve all by ourselves in order to get them back. When we were given incorrect directions and ended up at the end of a rail line in rural Italy with no one to pick us up - we figured out how to get where we were going on our own.
I
did think to send the folks a postcard at one point - but it arrived in Canada
after I got home.
My old roommate from when I was in my 20s (I was already in the rental business!) explains to me that she likes to hear from her daughter when she is getting on the bus from University to ensure her safety, since she says there are too many "pervs" around in the "big city of Ottawa".
I can understand wanting to keep your child safe. And yes, if you are going to worry - why not just text
once if it calms the fears? But should fear restrict activities and strain other relationships?
It's not the once-in-a-while checking in that I am talking about here. It's the
constant texting back and forth - that seems to replace normal human contact - that I am complaining about. It just doesn't seem
normal to me. Always having to keep tabs on the kids every single step they take could be creating unadventurous neurotic children that can't make decisions for themselves.
Personally, keeping
that close of contact with my own mother would have driven me
absolutely crazy. I didn't want my mother knowing every little facet of my life - although I would hazard a guess, since she is now an avid emailer and has a Facebook account, she would have loved to have kept closer track of us if there were such technology in those days - and if it were actually affordable.
Long distance, only several miles away was 75 cents to a dollar
per minute back in the 1960s and 1970s. That added up to a
lot of money.
Getting back to the perv fear of my friend, I don't believe for a minute there aren't just as many "pervs" in our communities as was 35 years ago. I think nowadays, we are just made more
aware of them. When I worked as an RN in the prison system a couple years ago, there were plenty of older incarcerated "pervs" that must have been wandering about on the loose when I was a teen/young adult.
And, while we are on the topic of University - I have had friends that accompany their "children" to their first days of the first semester, and actually attend a "parent" class. They also bought tons of stuff (without consultation of their offspring ) for decorating their children's dorm room....and even went as far as to do that work for them.
I was thinking back to my own college days.....not only did my parents not ever step inside my dorm room......they didn't even actually see the outside of my college/universities I attended. College was 400 miles away from home and I even had to do my own planning to get there on my own steam.
 |
| my dorm room 1st year college '73 |
I don't recall any interest on the part of either parent - they didn't ask about my courses or take an active interest in what I was doing. It was
my dollar that paid for my entire education. I sometimes sacrificed
eating to pay for my studies....and I didn't even think to let my parents know how difficult it was or ask for help.
As a result, I put value on my education and was determined to succeed. I took chances. I problem solved on my own - creatively at times. I had confidence in the decisions I made. I was responsible for my grades, my behaviour and my life.
I bought my first house at age 21 despite my co-workers telling me I was nuts for doing so.....and I made decisions on what direction I would go with my nursing....including moving a thousand miles away to a different country - all without even
thinking of consulting my parents.
So, forgive me when I say I don't understand - and I suppose I never will.
It's a whole different generation growing up nowadays - one that is the product of our baby boomer's parenting style. Whether it's good or not - the verdict isn't in yet as far as I can see.
Time will tell.
Meanwhile - do you mind putting your cell phone away for a half hour while we have lunch?
Thank you!
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This is an interesting article about "
Helicopter Parents" in the Workplace. It discusses the phenomenon of parents of today that get overinvolved with their children - even into their employment years.
