Ripples and Sunshine

I really shouldn't be online-- I need to study, but I figured I'd better write to Dr A first, as according to the instructions on the letter. Which got me to explore the E Lit website, and be amused at the new pictures of lecturers =D And then I began to browse next semester's modules.

If Metafictions was not situated in the evil 9am-12pm slot (on a Monday morning! Hello?) I wouldn't have second thoughts about taking it, at all =( But looking at my unintelligible, unreadable squiggles on my lecture notes for both my 9am classes this semester... =(

The department is evil *sob* Even the two cross-listed EL modules that I wanna take are 9am seminars! And all their exams end really late *stomps about in utter annoyance* Like when everyone finishes exam, you haven't start your first paper yet. Gah.

I have this crazy urge to take a level 5000 masters level module again. Someone please tell me to 不要做傻事。

But I must say I'm really glad my exams start late this semester-- wouldn't have made it alive otherwise, given that my last deadline was just yesterday morning. Need time to mug one lor.

Speaking of which, must sign off now. 1am! And I'm two texts behind schedule!

Take care you all, and stop procrastinating! Hurry get back to your books (after you leave a note, that is =D)

I'm DONE. *beams* Now I can start studying like for the first time this semester. My first essay-free week--almost.

As if to remind me that this isn't quite over yet, last night I saw a letter from the Dept of E.Lang and Lit. And because I don't often get letters I opened it with some enthusiasm (yes, even in my mid-essay stupor) and was informed of a successful application for my independent study module, and instructed to contact my supervisor ASAP.

The first thing that came to mind was "Huh?" with the question mark, and then "Huh." with the full stop, and then "Huh!" with the exclamation mark. You must understand that the rest of my vocabulary had to be reserved for my ongoing essay then, so that was about as articulate I can get.

But now that I'm free--temporarily, of course-- it's both quite exciting and unnerving at the same time, this official confirmation letter for the ISM. I got my Children's Lit! And Dr A! =D But I really have no idea what to say to her now, really...

"Dear Dr A... Guess what? I haven't really decided what texts I want to do yet. Please don't kill me. I haven't talked my brother out of burning essay questions for me yet."

So yeah. More news on that another time, after I've summoned enough courage to speak to Dr A.

The other exciting thing that happened this week was the release of PSLE results. This year we have an astounding 294-pointer topping the level, and 15 pupils with aggregate scores between 286-288. Because there are so many of them this year, ST decided they were no big deal really, so we don't get our usual interviews with top student #2 and #3. So sad, hor, to score like 286 and people say "aiyah, 15 other people did as well as or better than you, what."

I guess that's why minimum entry scores for mid-range secondary schools have been rising, like everything else in Singapore-- bus fares, GST, property prices-- and neighbourhood schools have invariably become brand names, reaching new highs with sparkling new value-added aggregate scores.

Very scary. Spent one-and-a-half days of my non-study break carrying out research, interviews and lengthy discussions on which school to pick for my brother. It is during periods like these that you realise that kind of extensive network of friends/relatives/unknown sources your mum has. Even more powerful than my own network of schooling friends =X

I still feel a tad blah about skipping open-house talks to do essay--it's really quite fun to explore schools, you don't usually get to do that-- but my parents did manage to attend a couple and everything's decided as of now: brother is quite content, dad is approving, and mummy is convinced enough to sleep easy, so that's that.

So. On to the exams, and then to hols! (and ism proposal)

Writing essays can draw blood.

Writer's block now. I look at the essays-- I wrote TWO versions of a thousand words each--and think, huh, now what?

I still have 8 more pages to go. Been doing this for days. Hours and hours before the computer, for days.

I really really need to study. I haven't studied for the whole bloody sem because I was writing essay after essay after essay, and even up till my study break, even up till now... I'm not free of essaying.

My notes look so unfamiliar, so unfamiliar, I won't know where to start when essaying ends. Essay doesn't even look like it's ending. It's wringing brain juice and tears and it's still not done. What else do you need to wring from me, blood? The sheer agony. I feel capable of gnawing through a cable with this sheer nervous energy. Or yowl at the top of my voice, with all the passion of a deranged person.

I feel this wild distant sense of fear of all these files atop my table, unarranged, untouched throughout the semester.

I want to say, why don't you just kill me already, but then the little brother says if I die he'll burn essay questions for me to do anyway, so I've scraped that alternative. The horror.

Head's killing me. Need to conk out, and write again ere morning comes.

*cries*

I want to study now, now, now.

Not churn out a 12-paged term paper due during the exam period.

It's gonna be midweek and the anxiety is driving me mad.

Random pet peeve surfaced in the midst of writing, so I thought I would blog it anyhow. I refer to no specific incident, because this has nagged at me for years, because this would keep happening, darnit. And if you think this applies to you then it does, so take it anyway you want it.

I am sure God made people to be worthy creatures-- people who are great friends with character and talent and warmth and other finer little details that makes everyone so very unique... and thus infinitely lovable and of value to every friend of his.

I don't understand why people, self-centred creatures that we are, ironically become blind to the best qualities in ourselves, and subsequently condition ourselves to believe that we are less, and poorer, and worse than we truly are.

And hence become deeply miserable.

Strange, that we should be the ones causing our own downfall. Is it so hard to love yourself a little more?

You know that one glorious thing about non-stop essay deadlines?

I looked genuinely slimmer in my JC graduation dinner dress than I ever had in the few years in between... And those irresistibly pretty spag-strap dresses in boutique shops can be worn without particularly drastic rude awakenings from the initially-imagined result. *squeals* All hail the new phenomenon!

Methinks the double-essay for the week was the clincher, and do not know if this state would last till the next major dinner/wedding/concert event.

Ah well. Cheap thrill, for the time being.

I heart my new classic-European-style black-and-white dress =)

Saturday, 3am:

Charm: *WAILS* IT'S GONNA BE MONDAY ALREADY! HOW!







Saturday, 3:10am:

Essay question: The pursuit of happiness, as a facet of the Enlightenment, was ultimately frustrated by the turbulent and often contradictory human desires it sought to mobilise. Discuss.

Definitely. Personally speaking, my pursuit of happiness is frustrated by the turbulent and often contradictory desires that the essay question excites in me.

Such desires include the impulse to run away screaming, bursting into tears on the spot, and bemoaning, at the top of my voice, the lack of Enlightenment that secondary readings offer.

One

In times of multiple deadlines, recite mantra: I'm not stressed I'm not stressed I'm not stressed.

Repeat until you get used to the idea.

Two

Now the Question For The Near Future revolves around whether or not I should submit that ISM topics form on Monday. Should I do an independent study module? Or should I just take modules? Next sem's modules are really not all that bad, actually. I could take two English and two Lit modules, then maybe I won't die from doing essays. I shall go bug Suhui and Sumi and see if they want to take 4000s =D

HOW? To do or not to do ISM?

Three

As a random, wholly unrelated side note, I think both Jia En and I are uber excited about next year's VOIII (already!), judging from the email we've been spamming the comm with over the last three days. (Probably an honours year syndrome. It's the only thing that I don't feel guilty working on in the midst of other deadlines.) Yay I heart my comm, K-box junkies, carnivores and herbivores, "let's go!" squealers and all =)